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7 Years.

Okay. This is the first time I've ever shared a story of mine about this. I have a long and sorry past and I am only 14 years old. I will most likely put it all out because honestly, it feels good to have a clean slate sometimes.

To begin, I would like to say that I have a very good mother. Honestly. But at one point, she got into some very minor legal issues, caused only by my father and she went to jail when I was a a baby. She got back when I turned 1 year old. I do not judge her for that. It was simply a writing bad checks charge, and only because she was working 2 jobs, and all her money was going into taking care of me, and having to buy drugs for my father, who beat her if she didn't do so.
Now I will say this for all who would like to say it was her fault for not leaving at the first abuse, but you do not know her childhood or her self esteem or her life or her head, so please do not judge her nor me. I just want to talk about this WITHOUT being judged.

At one point in time, My father owned alot of guns. He is one of those government haters, conspiracy theorist kind of people. At one point, he put the barrel of a gun he had in my mother's mouth (this was before I was born) Luckily, he did not kill her, the next day she sold his guns and got beaten for it.

Well, my mother told my father she was pregnant. He kicked her in the stomach and told her to have an abortion. She of course declined.
They lived together after I was born and from my birth to 7 years old, I witnessed my father abuse my mother. He would slap her, punch her, shove her, pin her against the walls, slam her head into the fridge, spill food on her, spit at her. A few occasions, I was sitting next to her because obviously I was a scared child, witnessing a 6'0 man screaming at the top of his lungs and punching the walls out of anger, and food did get dumped on me as well.
I was never abused by him, but he was fairly strange, I will give him that.(I will address that in a moment)

When I turned 7, my mother was given a black eye. Most of the time, he never left marks on her. He wasn't stupid, he knew how the system worked. No marks, no proof. My mother photographed her black eye and called the cops and had him taken away.

We went through his bedroom, he had a collection of barbie dolls where he had actually taken super glue and make the actual real anatomy for a female breast on the dolls. (Sick, I know.)
He had a **** collection, and urine bottles, though his bedroom was only a few feet from the bathroom. Now of course, none of this is okay for a child to be seeing, but I had stumbled in to play videogames since he'd allowed me to play videogames, and of course, I'd stumbled across that. No worries, that's not what sticks in my mind.

That same night we'd kicked him out, I had dance practice. When we arrived home, he came walking out of the bedroom. When he emerged from the back hallway, I knew in my gut we were in trouble. I knew. I am not and was not a stupid child. I am wise beyond my years because of my experiences, I like to believe.
So Then he proceeded to stay out in the livingroom with us, yelling at her, telling me that I was going to end up in a foster home because he was going to kill her and go to jail. (That not being the first time he'd said that directly to me.)

So he kept us hostage in the livingroom for well over 4 hours, not letting either of us leave the room. It wasn't until he went to the bathroom that my mother quickly called the cops. He walked out when she was just hanging up and he questioned ME who she was on the phone with. I simply said the "Time lady" Which was this service my small town had that gave the weather, temperature, and time and date. I used to like calling it to mess around as a child.
Now of course, he didn't believe me, and it did anger him, but the cops came quickly.
I don't really like to think about what would've happened if the cops didn't show quick enough.

Now today, I am 14 years old. After that, I was in a major carwreck that permanently broke my mother's leg. We have been homeless once, and that was because my mother's boyfriend kicked her out on the streets, and my mother called my father to help and he only agreed to take me. My mother would rather have me with her and live in a homeless shelter for a few days until she could case her check, rather than send me with him.
I was bullied recently in school just a year ago, I cut my wrists only for a short period of time, have NOT done it since, and after that, My outlook on the world was fairly pessimisitic. I did not believe there were any good people in the world, and if there were, with my luck, I wouldn't encounter them.

I was abused by my neighbor, a teenage boy who was a year older. He constantly brushed off the incidents with "Roughhousing" and that they were accidents, but I don't know, sometimes when he knew I was in pain, like when he'd wrestle me, he'd never let up.

He and the girls at school who were bullying me texted me one day and laced into me, telling me that I deserved to die and I was a Wanna be s*ut, among other nasty insults. (Don't ask, that's their nonsense logic.)
T
his DOES round back to my father.
My father was informed of the bullying situation and obviously because I was losing myself so much, that I was so desperate for attention from the neighbor boy, that I was constantly out for approval and I had very low self esteem. You know as well as I do what Bullying does to you.

He simply said "It's no different than what any other kid goes through."

So my mother handled things as always. She pulled me out of that school and I was put into homeschooling.

My mother and Father are still friends, despite the horrid past, though I don't know why.
The whole 7 years, she wanted me to have a father because she grew up without one but by then she realized it was better to have no father than to have a sh!tty one.

Now they still talk and he occasionally visits. There has been one small incident that does not make me comfortable, linking back to the 'barbie doll' obsession.
(He has also had an obsession for disney stars, like Selena Gomez. He is a 45 year old man. He has no business concerning himself with teenage actresses.)

He was at my house one day, in my bedroom, watching me play videogames while on his laptop. I noticed he wasn't paying me any mind, which I'm used to because I do not think he cares about me, because he never calls to check on me, he can go weeks without calling, and when he does call, he never asks about me.

He was sitting on his laptop and he went out to get a drink. Mind you that my mom has just completed college, and she is going to do something in the Criminal justice field.
I, being the little detective that I am, sensed that something was off. I quickly locked my door, just in case, learning from the 'calling the cops on him' incident, and got on his laptop. One window, he was watching a tv show on Netflix. The other window however...
Was Bing images. Of "small boobs". Yes. He was searching that WHILE in the room with his 14 year old daughter.

No, he has NEVER tried to touch me in any sexual manner, besides that image search, and one snide comment he made while drunk, which my mother knows about, nothing has occured.

Now, to bring this to a close, I will say this. I do not love my father. Who could love someone like that? I do not feel any attachment to him what so ever and I'd like to say that my mother thinks I need a father in my life when truth is I don't want HIM in my life. It's easier to live without him rather than have him barging in and out of my life. I have told her that and we are going to court to get the child support that he willing pays court ordered and cutting all ties with him, I hope.

Now, you may think whatever you want, but it feels really good to just get this off my chest.
Most of you are probably thinking that I've had a tough life, like many many kids in the world, but I am proud of it.
It's made me who I am today.

And to give you all an update, back in March of 2012, I met a really nice person, he's my best friend, he's the best person in the world. He's nice, respectful, kind hearted, inspiring, positive, trustworthy, and perfect. He takes care of me,and vice versa, we care about eachother alot, he is a true friend. We talk every single day, all day long until we end up falling asleep on eachother, and he does not judge me. He has severely changed my perspective on the world, I believe that there is good everywhere, and you just have to avoid the bad people. They aren't all bad. And my friend is living proof of it.
Honestly, he saved me. I was heading down a dark, hateful path and I most likely would have commited suicide at one point, possibly if things got any worse.
I hated life, and my friend made me love it again. And I'd like to say that he changed me but he didn't. I think he found a way in life to restore me to who I originally was. He helped me find myself again. I like to believe he is a gift from God, because without him, I don't know where I'd be right now.
(And yes, I'm crying right now writing this but only because I count my blessings each day that I'm alive, that I have my mother, and that I have Nathan, my friend, whom I just merely stumbled across. That's what I believe is fate. You don't see it coming until you get smacked with it and it changes your life.) :)

Now as for my father and mother, I live with my mother full time, full custody. He barely visits unless he needs something from her and I am encouraging her not to speak to him anymore.
She is a little more messed up from the ordeal than I am. But I have one small problem with the entire thing.
A few times, during the course of the abuse, she asked me if we could leave. I said no. I was 4, 5 or 6 at the time. I said no because I didn't want to leave my dad.
I feel just really guilty for that. Honestly.
Should I?
I'm really sorry for it, I wish I could've taken every hit for her, and I wish that we would've left sooner, but everything happens for a reason I guess. I just shouldn't have been so naive and stupid and oh so selfish.
But I know that's probably irrational thinking, but I can't help it.
Thank you for reading, honestly, this felt good clearing the entire slate and talking about everything.
And, for those of you worried, if you are, I will not and have not cut ever again since the 4 times that I did it while in school, and I have self esteem, self confidence, and I am happy. I live in a stable home now, I have 5 wonderful dogs, and I am immensely grateful for my mother and for Nathan, and for my home and animals.
Lovelifebeforeitsgone14 Lovelifebeforeitsgone14 13-15, F 2 Responses Oct 12, 2012

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You sound really brave and yes you do sound very wise like you have good perspective for someone your age. You're only 14 and you still have a chance to confront these feelings that you have so you can live and enjoy. It sounds like your father was a **** poor safety net. Just remember it doesn't have to be this way and when you confront and overcome the demons haunting you you will see that you're even more wiser and stronger. Mail me if you want to talk

No, child, you should let go of any guilt which you feel, as it's entirely misplaced. Your mama made the decision, with your counsel; you did not. Not even Texas considers a child, of such tender years as were then yours, capable of forming the requisite intent to commit a crime like murder. How, then, could that same child sort through the ramifications of such a fateful question as that which she posed to you? It's a measure of her own then-shattered sense of the world, that she even conceived the notion to ask it as she did, in such manner that you might take any portion of that guilt upon yourself. As it is, all that you've written here, as it stands, even without filling in the dread details, is testament to the promising nobility of your own soul, that gratitude for those blessings which you have is on evidence in the presence of that degradation to which you bore witness.