My Estranged Son

I also have a 29yr. old son who has estranged himself from me for 7 years and it still hurts like mad.

I  am British, living in the US with my American husband. I was married before, to my son's father for 21 years. In all that time, he was abusive and lazy and into smoking pot every day if he could get it, more trouble if he couldn't, and only keeping a job for a few weeks, leaving me to work full time nights as a nurse, to bring in money for food and bills for us all. My son grew up very troubled and with a temper. He even ended up spending a year in prison after fighting and injuring another guy, just as his father had done before I met him. I spent every weekend driving to him for a visit, to keep his spirits up,, taking him money and other things that he was allowed to have, until he came home. The number of times my ex. threw him out of the house after yet another argument, I couldn't count how many, and the number of times my son told me to leave him. In the end, I met someone online, in a support group, but he was in the US,.and was also having marital problems. Neither of us was looking for anything but support, someone to talk to who could understand. We became good friends, talking every day, until one day my friend said he was flying to the UK to see me. It was wonderful and we were so good together, enjoyed each others company. He gave me the courage to leave my husband and get a divorce, he did the same . After he went back, he asked me to move. to the US to be with him, and we eventually got married, I have never been so happy, so loved and cared for.  Since that day my son will have nothing to do with me. Periodically I try and send him a message via facebook because I don't know where he and his father live now, all I get back is that his mother dies years ago and then a mouthful of abuse, just like his father used to do. My son encouraged me to leave my ex but when I did, he turned against me. I know its probably because I moved out of the country but my husband even offered to sponser and pay for him to join us here, he refused,  he was with his father and wouldn't leave him, which is ok too, but why estrange himself from me? He knows the pain he is putting me through and he doesn't care. How can I close my heart to him? God kniws I've tried but the pain is always there. Was I really such a bad mother? He was 22 yrs. when I left, old enough to cope with the divorce and accept it, but he doesn't want me to be happy clearly. How does everyone else in my position cope with the pain? Can problems like this ever get resolved and if so, how?

Its somehow good to know that there are others in my position although I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone else.
angela3000 angela3000
6 Responses Sep 18, 2010

Yeah it hurts. There are no words because they are suffocated with the tears that clog my throat. I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy, not even the father that did this to my son and I.

I live life one minute at a time and pray that some day I can look into his beautiful blue eyes that are framed with my long lashes. In those eyes we could see past the pain and go forward into a new chapter.

My son who is now 24 yrs old yesterday and not talked to me in 3 yrs after my Mom died and is listening to my sisters poison she is giving him because she inherited Moms house and did not follow Moms wishes to split it since my Mom refused to put in in writing and wanted to trust my Narcissistic Sister and legal drama of having me arrested when she framed me when she told me to come over and get my things at Moms House---put my son in the middle and cop coached my son to lie on a report stating that I threatened him and my sister. Never happened and I was walking on eggshells. My son and my sister enjoyed the Power they got when they both had me arrested at the corner while waiting for my friend to help me move. I never made it to Moms house because I was arrested in my car while waiting for my friend and my son became a part of it. My sister told me specifically time and day to come over and then Cop arrested me at corner while waiting. She lied of course and my son followed her lead. Never even fought for house since Mom secretively put it in her name years before she died and the statue of limitations is over. Sister never had a funeral or even a church service and never goes to cemetary while I took care of Mom for years as much as she would let me while she lived high off the hog out of state and abandoned her kids when small. I have no knowledge why Mom would do this except that my sister manipulated my Mom and let her believe she is easy going and is not interested in house and of course she will split everything and Mom fell for it but refused to put this in writing even though I reasoned with her. Mom abused me in front of son and I allowed my son to witness this so he did not respect me. I compromised my self respect in front of my son so he could have a relationship with his Grandma because he would resent me if I did not bring him there to visit.

My son exclaimed one time to me "Problem Mom is that you are too good and you let people walk all over you!" Out of the mouth of babes! Now he does not respect me and when I set healthy boundaries, he shuts me out. He is always trying to get money from me and I refuse now to give him any. He was able to weasel out his College Fund and gambled it all away on football internet gambling in front of me to hurt me intentionally in front of me stating, "Mom look $3,000 with the push of a button. I tried to plead with him to stop but he would not until it was gone. All the years as a single Mom saving for him since birth for college, a house, a business and he blew it away with the push of a button. I told him I still love him and forgave him but that was all the money I had and that is all he is getting. If he chose to gamble it away because of his anger towards me that is his decision but he will not get any more. I had to be at peace with this. This was child support money that I put in a separate account for him over 20 yrs. I would not be surprised if he did not give his manipulative alcoholic Dad some of it. He may have gave back the very child support money I fought so hard to get for 19 yrs of not paying. My son hated that I brought him to court for child support, but this is all part of self respect, accountability and responsibility and my son resents me that I did this but it was the right thing to do. My sister bad mouths me to my son on this too and made it out to be that I am money hungry for instilling self respect and responsibility. I only got $15 a week hardly enough to dent his check and he never paid until the arrears added up over 19 yrs and he won a lawsuit and he had to pay with interest. He blamed me to our son for his credit being ruined over the years and my son wanted me to not enforce it. The Judge let him slide and he never got in trouble for not paying child support for 19 yrs and then the Judge turned on me because of the Stress and took my son away from both of us and he was placed in a foster home because this Judge refused to enforce her own orders or take away visits even though he was abusive to our son, she would not believe me and our son was put in the middle. Awful Family Court, ruined my life and my Job because I had to keep going for 19 yrs and missed a lot of days for work and eventually got fired even though Work supposedly can't do it---they did and found another reason to fire me. My son was in middle even though I did not want him to be....His Dad had no problem putting him in the Middle and the Judge supported the ex in his manipulative behavior when he stated I cannot go into his driveway or in front of his house to drop my son off and he would not come out for 3 hrs at a time and I had no witness to this because no one wanted to get involved. My son felt rejected that his Dad did not want to see him and sent him away and when he took him he infiltrated him with violent TV, heavy metal music and Violent video games because he know I was against these and he did not care what happened to his own son because he was out to hurt me thru our son. So know our son is messed up and he defies me that I cracked down on child support all for the sake of self respect and not allowing his Dad to abuse me. I will not allow others to abuse me any more. It is poor role modeling for a child to witness this. They respect you when you respect yourself.

Your son sounds controlling and manipulative and probably has role modeled your ex's behavior. When you grow up in a dysfunctional family, this will happen. Your mistake is that you tried desperately to accommodate your ex and your son witnessed this abuse. So he figures why not continue to keep the peace?? You demonstrated at that time that you do not value your own Self-Respect in front of your son when you dealt with all the crap your ex put on you and now your son does not respect you because you did not respect yourself at that time. Parents do all kinds of things to "keep the peace" and allow our ex's to manipulate us in front of our kids. Forgive yourself and apologize to your son thru a letter because you allowed yourself to be the "doormat" all in the name of peace in the family. Apologize to your son in a letter that you compromised your dignity and self respect and your son had to witness it. He must have felt helpless in an abusive situation and did not know how to better it. Us parents are not perfect so be easy on yourself and forgive yourself and apologize to your son for putting him in a position to have had to experience your loss of dignity all in the name of trying to keep the piece and allowing him to feel helpless and in the middle. Tell him in the letter that you were not making good choices for your own self respect and that you are sorry he had to witness this but you love him and want a relationship with him and you want to move on and hope he could heal from this experience of witnessing his Mom lose her self respect and him feeling scared and helpless in the situation. Apologies often do wonders and it lets your child realize you are human and make mistakes and can only do the best you can but you do love him and you want to move on because now you have self respect and dignity and you are happy and you want him included in your life. Do not use excuses or put down bio Dad because your son clearly does not want to be in the middle. This is about your relationship with your child and you want HIM included. If he still chooses not to accept your open invitation--you cannot control his behavior and just periodically let him know through letters and gifts thru mail that you love him and want a relationship with him and RESPECT his Decisions. He wants you to demonstrate that you respect his decisions as an adult too. Very important that you respect his decisions and gentle reminder that you love him and you want a relationship with him. Demonstrate Boundaries that you Love Yourself too and will live by your convictions in a peaceful way. Pray, Pray, Pray and be persistent with God and then He will make it happen with time.

I pray for you and myself and all like us whom have tried and for some unknown reason don't have our children in our lives.Be strong that is what I am trying to do but am failing for the most part most of the time.I pray for peace for you.
God Bless

I don't have the answer to give you. It has been 6 1/2 years since my 23 year old son decided I was dead. God gave me peace for many years and about 2 months ago I discovered that I am going to be a Grandma. You literally could have knocked me over with a feather and I haven't stopped crying. I began searching the internet to find answers and was actually quite surprised how often these children bite the hand that feeds them literally. I have a wonderful relationship with his 2 sisters and pray to God that I never lose them all. As for Grandma, I will be happy for now with my Grand dogs.

I wish you peace. It is so hard but you have done what you can. Cope with it by enjoying every day with your husband and making new bonds with others. You were not a bad mother! There are some terrible parents out there who still have the love?? of their kids, but the bottom line is that you r child wishes to lash out. Do not let him destroy your life.