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Trying To Understand What I Did Wrong?

I am the mother of two adult daughters, one is 34 and the other just turned 20. My first experience with estrangement came years ago when my first daughter decided what seemed like overnight that I could not be in her or my grandchildrens life anymore, up until that point we were very close and I struggled for years trying to figure out what happened let alone missing them and worrying.I kept asking her why and she would be very vague and say things like well you need to do soul searching and would not just come out and say how she felt. I always felt like it may have something to do with her father, I divorced him after 20yrs because he was emotionally and physically abusive to me. After the divorce he was bitter and became very determined to keep me out of any family matters. I began to think he had tried to alienate her. Anyone who has been in an abusive situation knows that the one abusing is usually an insecure person and will continue to emotionally abuse in other ways, I felt like maybe my daughter wanted to protect him for some reason. I have no idea what he has said to her but I started to see other things going on too, for one her fiancee whom she had lived with for years was somewhat controlling and they are quite strict with the children, my daughters first child was born with a cleft palatte and needed alot of surgery and support, but I could see that there was some partiality going on between his own children and the first one but I did not meddle into that. I am big advocate of the child abuse protection plans and he would come close to abuse when he disciplined them, I still was upset but would just go home and worry about it, it seemed maybe her boyfriend may have wanted me out of the picture too..so it left me wondering what to do. Really, there was nothing I could do that I hadn't done, I cried and begged and pleaded with her to talk to me and wanted to see the kids and she kept refusing, still to this day I do not see them and once in a while run into her but she will not speak to me. It hurts alot. But, I think I just buried these feeling so deeply in order to cope that I finally made peace with it and hoped that God would help me. Shortly after all this took place I was very ill with cancer and became disabled and was having a hard time fending for myself and taking care of my other daughter who still needed me.Our lives change quite dramatically but I still took very good care of my youngest child. I had to stop working and filed for Disability and after waiting along time I did receive it. We moved from the country into town where it would be easier to get medical help and all that. My daughter did well. Soon she became 18yrs old and although she was always a handful(she is ADHD) she became more rebellious and for the next several years it was an on and off thing with her, she was good for awhile and then get a boyfriend or something and just run wild again. But..we made it to age 20 and I thought things were better. She met a nice guy and she did start settling down a bit and was content with him and started growing up some more. She moved in with him when she became pregnant a year ago. Recently, she gave birth to my new grand daughter "Sophia"! All the while she was pregnant we talked and laughed and really enjoyed the time we had getting ready for the baby. we anticipated how she would look and all the fun we could have with her and so on. My spirits were up and I started feeling better and was very excited to make this fresh start with her. Her boyfriend is a good provider, somewhat controlling I think and never has much to say to me, but I treat him well and respect him for being a good father. Well, right up until the last week before she had the baby, I was talking to her about being in the delivery room and helping her and her boyfriend get through the labor and all that. She then informed me that I wasn't wanted at the delivery,,her boyfriends mother, and her boyfriend of course and her sister would be there. I was a bit hurt over it but as long as she had  help I would manage, I did like the idea of her sister being there because she had just started getting back into her life when she became pregnant and I wanted that to flourish, they are 14yrs apart. Everything went well. But now a month later has passed and the bottom fell out of my bucket again. Her whole attitude changed when she went home with the baby, she would cut me short if I called and made it nearly impossible to see the baby.. I have seen that little girl only 30 minutes of her whole life and am really upset over it. She is pulling away from me just like my other daughter did, except this time her dad is not in the picture so I am picking my brain trying to figure out what is going on now! If I do get a chance to talk to her it is very short and I have to walk on eggshells or she gets mad and hangs up on me or screams at me on the phone because I question her change in plans regarding me being a part of things, I feel very excluded. They live with her boyfriends mother and she is nice and seems fair but I  don't know her real well, I resent the fact that she gets to babysit and do all the good stuff and I can't even get a visit. But I try very hard to keep things on an even keel , because I fear I could lose any hope of not seeing this child at all if make too many waves. things come up or are said by the mother of her boyfriend and sometimes it almost feels like she is rubbing it in, but it could just be me, maybe she is just happy. Like they are making plans to all get a family portrait done and personal things like that. I have done so much for all of them in the past and supported them when things were tough but I am confused now because they don't need me so I feel invisible. I pretty much don't call there anymore because my daughter threw a fit saying I called to much, but it was because she kept saying she would call me back and never did, I wanted to know how the baby was and talk with her but I feel like there is an underlying problem and I can't put my finger on it. Maybe you could see this objectively and help me out. thanx for  reading sorry I did not intend on writing a book , just got carried away. 
jwow54 jwow54 51-55 3 Responses Aug 12, 2011

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I agree with Nottobeforgotten. Sometimes, you have to take a stand and if people (whoever they are) start walking over you, TELL them what you think and if they can't be bothered to change, leave them to play in their little sandpits until they grow up.<br />
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In the meantime, go out and have fun!

Hi Jwow, <br />
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I could write VOLUMES on what I've been through with CHILDREN, ADULT DAUGHTERS...It has been a NIGHTMARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...<br />
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I have an oldest Dtr, 45, who is "here"/nearby, just got out of PRISON sheeeeeeesh...but she is EXCEEDINGLY NEEDY and hustles everyone.. She has real needs but she can't fix them herself and refuses to get MENTAL HEALTH CARE......TROUBLE IS........I'M AGING NOW, I am sick, handicapped, BROKE, homeless, NOT A SOUL to help (due to some tragic domestic issues recently).......BUT THAT DAUGHTER IS TOO CAUGHT UP STILL, IN HER OWN WORLD TO BE OF ANY HELP.......she talks a good rap and I think she means well, but she is a MENTAL HEALTH PRETZEL. When I'm around her and she is in one of her NEEDY moods, MY ANXIETY is kicked into HIGH GEAR....I swear, all I do anymore is SOB...........I've been abandoned LITERALLY and Emotionally by my kids...I may as well be some bum stranger on the street...HOW QUICKLY THEY FORGET!!!!!!!!<br />
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The Youngest allegedly GOLDEN CHILD dtr...JUST STOPPED SPEAKING TO ME more than a year ago. She lives far out of state...AND YES, IN BOTH cases I GAVE AND GAVE AND GAVE TO THOSE TWO when they were IN DIRE STRAIGHTS..... I've BEEN there for them emotionally, physically, socially..FINANCIALLY---but I did NOT meddle or show up on their doorstep or BEND THEIR EAR with MY STUFF..I gave them space to arrange their own lives.....One like I said is a MISFIT in that she is ALWAYS ALWAYS IN TROUBLE and needy/begging. The other is the oppositie of her, the youngest but she appears to be a ►SNOB◄...<br />
The YOUNGEST Daughter, whom I thought had all of her ducks in a row, intelligent etc...HAS TURNED OUT TO BE A BACKSTABBING COLD HEARTED ANGRY MEAN SMUG SNOT........I'm SO UPSET with her, the EXPLOITER of families and good will.........that since she refused to help me when I was HAVING A BREAKDOWN here with the PSYCHOPATH i got tangled up with--I've GIVEN UP on her. ....I'VE NEVER MEDDLED in their affairs, generally always took their side, gave all I had until I WAS IN DISTRESS..but kept my mouth shut....AND ADORED/PLAYED with their beautiful children .....I brag about those children; my oldest has one adult son, my grand. My youngest has two teens out of state, I do have their photos but NONE of them have anything to do with me and GOD FORBID they'd bother to come and give old MA a hand with a DAMN THING..............I've inquired of late to my youngest, but ZERO reply.........I'VE STOPPED BEGGING--her behavior is just plain RUDE.<br />
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I'm SO HEARTBROKEN. I wish I'd never had any kids...Um well then I'd not have a HANDSOME adult grandson, so...whatever....

Wow your story is trully sad. I dont know maybe your older daughter has issues against something you have done with your girls or hers or because her husband brainwashed her. Whatever the reason you have raised this girls very badly...or they are just bad girls. i would have been thrilled to have a respectful loving parent help me with my children when they were young. unfortunately and fortunately i had very involved in laws....They are only helpful when they keep their opinions to themselves...usually they would cause my husband to be mean or unhappy with me. Now after six years of marriage...my husband has finally stopped listening to them and our marriage has thrived. If you want to be a grandma it doesn't need to be biological...Help out any lonely single mother just make sure she is a good person unlike your daughters who have no value for you. value yourself . There are plenty of girls who were like me who would have loved someone who cared about my children and me.( My mother is sickly and she is depressed so she was emotionally and physically unavailable unless i visited her.)

I'm sorry that you felt like I raised them badly. I always prided myself on being a good mom to them. I was married for 20yrs so my first daughter was raised in the abusive home which may have alot to do with her behavior, the difference is that she is just quiet and not disrespectful to me, she just shut the door on me and that was it. My mom died in 1999 and I miss her so much, but she was always nearby when I was raising my second daughter and I was divorced at the time so I worked extra hard to ensure that she had a good upbringing,,my mom always told me what a beautiful mother I was. So, like I said before, Im a bit confused why you would think I was a bad mother. Both my girls are good girls both have a good education my first daughter is a reg nurse and my other daughter has never been actually a bad person just recently shut me out of her life with the baby.