Adult Son Was Always Difficult

The day after he was born a staff nurse came and visited me. She said that she had been working with new babies for over 30 years and she wanted me to know there are some kids right from the start that are just harder than others. My baby was one! He cried the loudest, slept the least.....and I shouldn't feel I was a bad mother b/c he was just going to be a challenging baby. Well, he became a challenging kid and is now a challenging adult. Always resisting every rule. Ah, but funny and good looking. Now at 37 years old, in his second marriage and Dad to my 7 year old granddaughter. He has an anger issue and I spoiled him terribly. I think he abuses alcohol and drugs. He has been arrested a number of times and spent 2 months in jail for DWI last year. He owns a retail business -- a Head shop! He has lots of tatoos....which I hate. In spite of all that, we had a loving relationship and stayed in touch regularly until a couple of years ago. His first marriage lasted 2 years. Following the divorce he hooked up with a friend from high school days and that is his wife for the past 9 years. She is a female version of him. I met her when she was 14, giving kids a ride home from the skating rink. Noticed a really "mean girl" aligning with another girl in the car to bully the 3rd girl in the backseat. Low and behold, this girl would become my DIL some 11 years later. Since my son's marriage to her, each year he became more distant and rude to me. My interactions with my grandchild are criticized but they wanted me to babysit all the time. We had a blow up at Christmas. I'd left several messages on their home phone voice mail about getting together for the holiday. No response. Finally reached my son on his mobil phone a couple of days before and he said they'd be around but I couldn't nail him down to making any plans. So, upset, my husband and I just went to a movie and out to lunch. While we were gone, my son had phoned seeing if we wanted to drop by. I returned his call and we had a tense conversation followed by a series of angry emails. Its now May 18th; I haven't seen my son or granddaughter since Thanksgiving.....during this period of time all of us have had our birthdays, and there has been Mother's Day. I am so frustrated and disappointed. The emails my son sent were so hurtful. He said he was "emotionally" abandoned as a child, neglected, over-punished.....that my values are stupid....many other outrageous things! His dad and I divorced when he was 6 and he had been the center of my world growing up...never denied a thing and incredibly spoiled. I even paid cash for his house -- all he pays is taxes and insurance -- and gave him cars and great vacations while growing up. I am disgusted with him and I strongly believe his wife is at the heart of the fault finding. But, regardless, we are now estranged and I cannot overcome my anger and disappointment. I don't want to grovel to re-connect with him because I believe my toxic DIL wants that. Also, I am furious. But this is my only child and there's a granddaughter, too....
OyVeh OyVeh
61-65
May 18, 2012