I Understand Why,but It Hurts Like Nothing Else In My Life !!!!

Its been 6 years since i have had a meaningful conversation with my eldest daughter i am a 49 year old father and she is 24. unfortunately i deserve whats happened to me .i wanted so much more for my kids i grew up in a alcoholic home with my mother and father my mom grew up with a dysfunctional mother and father and walked out of my grandmothers life for 15 years .i was overly strict and very depressed when i raised my kids i did identify with them and  eventually i stopped thinking of them as kids i felt like they understood me and that we were on the way towards becoming parent child friends when they grew up . what i missed was that i overwhelmed my first born with my emotional baggage. my wife was out working her rear off getting a college degree and was trying to prepare financially for our semi retirement i was feeling rejected by my wife after years of cleaning up my act. i know i shared to much of my fears with my daughter i was dealing with depression anxiety attacks, diabetes i now know that i scared her . I really love my daughter so much. i know what it is to be scared i would do anything to change this or atone for the pain i have caused but i know that this estrangement is what makes her feel safe i had the exact same feeling about my mom i was releived when    she died so that she could not hurt my kids or wife how ironic perverse and wrong that i ended up doing the harm i loath myself and frankly i have been indulging in to much self pity.Both my girls say they don't want me around their kids because i am so intense i actually can understand this and support it even if i wont see her again now if only i could stop hurting so i could move on but every time i think i have a handle on this situation i loose it all over again and go into severe depression i get along with my 21 year old daughter far better but i have trouble focusing on her i feel that isn't fair to her and that's why i need to move on so i can be there for my wife and my youngest daughter  THANK YOU FOR READING ANY ADVISE IS WELCOME
19rick62 19rick62
46-50, M
1 Response May 21, 2012

Hi,<br />
Have you tried talking with your doctor about your depression and anxiety? There are supports with presc<x>riptions and talk therapy which may help you too.<br />
Im reading a book "When Parents Hurt" by Dr. Joshua Coleman and am finding it very helpful. Try the forum on his web site too. If your kids know you are trying to take the edge off your intensity perhaps you can rebuild a relationship with them and in turn your grandbabies.

MANY THANKS I JUST RECEIVED WHEN PARENTS HURT 2 DAYS A GO AND ALSO RECEIVED ANOTHER BOOK FROM NANCY RICHARDS CALLED HEAL AND FORGIVE , AND HEAL AND FORGIVE 2 IM HOPING TO STOP GOING INTO THE SLUMPS AND BE MORE SUPPORTIVE OF THOSE I HAVE NOW . I WANT TO ENCOURAGE YOU TO KNOW IT ISN'T WHAT THEY SAY YOU ARE ON THE OUTSIDE THAT'S IMPORTANT ITS WHATS COMING FROM YOUR REACTIONS THAT MATTERS .THAT IS A TALL ORDER TO NOT REACT TO THE WHAT IF'S IF ONLY'S, AND THE GHOSTLY ACCUSATIONS OF SOMEONE WHO WONT EVEN COMMUNICATE WHAT THEY THINK WE DID WRONG .
THANK YOU FOR REACHING OUT IN YOUR PAIN TO HELP OTHERS PLEASE KNOW IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE