Post

Hello - And So Glad Being Here

Since my daughter decided to stop talking with me two years ago I have developed the near habit of crying when I drive.
It is the one place I feel able to just let down. Some days it is a great release, some days it feels like a beating. It is every
day.

I had spent what I thought was one of the better week long visit with my daughter, her husband, and my grandchild. She seemed overburdened since she was working on an advanced degree. She seemed a little distant, unengaged, and preoccupied. As usual, I tried playing with my grandchild, bought a pool and some other fun things. We had a great time. I cleaned her house, did laundry, tried being useful and supportive.

The day I left, she became colder and my granddaughter, while playing on the phone, "imitated" her mom by "talking" to a friend saying how her mother was driving her crazy and she couldn't take it any longer. What is interesting is that they live a 24 hour drive away from me. She calls me with regularity through the day when I am not visiting. She called me when she had long 1.5 hour commute to class and I'd keep her company even though I could have easily done other things. I wanted to support her.

The day I flew out, I called at the two points where I usually did during the flight: at the transfer point and when I arrived home. She didn't take my call nor did she return it. No problem I thought. Several days later I finally reach her husband who tells me that she doesn't want to speak with me any longer. That our relationship has suffered tremendously for the last 10 years and she demanded her space...she'd be in touch within a week. WOW. I was blown away. I haven't heard from her since.

She has moved to a new state without giving me her address. Gifts (birthday, Christmas, etc) go unacknowledged that I send to my grandchild. It has been 2 years. TWO years. Without a reason. Without an excuse. Without fanfare. How incredibly self-centered I find this at this point in my life. Rejection. Gut level rejection with an ample serving of betrayal. Her father, pretty much cut out of the same cloth. Raised her on my own, no emotional or financial support. She and I did very well. Shortly after high school she started acting out, so this is not the first time I've been kicked in my soul...it is merely the longest time.

Thanks for listening. It is painful living through this. I appreciate being able to express myself here.
Scoopie13 Scoopie13 56-60, F 3 Responses May 28, 2012

Your Response

Cancel

I have wrorked as a problem solver for others all my life. I am having extreme difficulty functioning right now because I cannot adapt to not being in my daughter's life, and trying to act like everything is fine when I feel like dying. So, I thought I would make some posts that might help a little, although, I don't think anyone can offer any solutions. I'm sure you have thought of just about everything. Here's something I learned the hard way.<br />
<br />
I was blind to the fact that my daughter felt in competition with me growing up. I never thought for one minute that my plans to raise her right would wind up working against her and me. It has come to light that I must make my daughter feel inadequate. And I think this is something she has always fought, yet i had no idea. Of course, that was not my intention. It has gotten worse and I think now it is hard for her to maintain her equalibrium around me. I realize now that all I did to "help" her has made her feel oppressed, not loved. I feel now that she must think I show her up by expressing myself. I have so much regard for her as a person that it never occured to me that she could feel that way. Sometimes kids need to feel in control and not have us come in and show them that we are better than them. You don't mean it that way, but they take it that way anyway, some kids.<br />
<br />
Sometimes being with someone who has that primal connection to you, like a mother, can stir up uncomfortable feelings that some people just react to without thinking, and then they just, literally, run away from it. She may feel pressured to be as on top of things as you are and can't deal with it. That's not to say it's rational, but that's how supressed feelings work in humans. <br />
<br />
I also have learned that she was feeling as bad as I am now for her to have pulled away from me. I was lucky for a while that she would open up and talk to me. But now she lives with her boyfriend and has shut down that open channel. All I did that I was sure was good, wasn't. So, not only is the present hell to live with, now I realize that everything I did as a parent was just a lost cause. Even though she is a fine person in every way. I guess that's all I might have to live with. It's not enough, and I do not want to join the legions of hurting parents.<br />
<br />
I have read dozens of books on self help and dozens on psychology to understand what makes people tic. I found no answers to the present though. I try to reverse things by complimenting her, but it seems to be too late. She has never known how much I admire her and respect her. She's better than me, but she can't see it. I believe that her identity is compromised around me, and there is nothing I can do about it now.<br />
<br />
Maybe it helps to hear another point of view. My mother simply kept sending me cards and letters occationally when I was sort of out of touch. She never expected anything in return, just kept in contact, nothing heavy. I was able to see that and resume our relationship. I was very busy, too.<br />
<br />
I'm sorry for your pain.

yes you are not alone..... my son for some reason, has chosen to ax me from his life... we got a long when he was growing up,<br />
<br />
<br />
when he got into his mid 20s, he changed... now im treated like i am a bad person, like you, i have supported him through thick and thin.... . i grew up with parents who dont give a dam .. i didnt want to be like that with my child... but it seems to have back fired on me .... <br />
<br />
you are not a lone .... (((((hugs))))

You are not alone. I know how you feel. I have just been uninvited to my 40 year old daughters wedding. You know in your heart you have been good to her. Don't let her hurt you anymore.....move on and find ways to be good to yourself, give yourself some special treats, buy yourself a present, join a new group and make new friends. Take a trip to a spa or resort and enjoy. Hugs to you and may peace suddenly come upon you.<br />
Your new friend,<br />
Islandwisher