2 Daughters Who Ignore Me (mom)

We aren't estranged but almost. I have 2 adult daughters (ages 45 & 40) who still act like teenagers around me. I thought it would change when they became moms. Much of the time they simply ignore my e-mails, phone calls, etc. or answer a week or longer later. The oldest daughter cannot keep from yelling at me &/or criticizing me if we are together for more than a couple hrs. It's so disheartening! The younger daughter simply ignores me & almost all of my gift-sending, e-mails & phone calls. I was the LAST to find out she'd bought a house recently. Same with their pregnancies. It hurts! I went back into therapy to deal with my pain some yrs ago. But this history of blaming me for the divorce from their dad has gone on for 20+ years. I do not know what to do to break this toxic cycle. Altho not perfect, I feel I was a very loving mom. I never thought my sixties & maybe beyond would be like this!
michelephoto michelephoto
66-70, F
4 Responses Jun 22, 2012

Reading the posts on here makes me realise that there are many parents /grandparents that are in the same boat. I too feel your anguish. My daughter and myself had a very close relationship. Better than the "usual mother daughter" relationships you hear about. She got married 3 years ago and 6 mths prior I left her father a marriage of 25yrs. I too thought I would keep things from my children however I wonder sometimes if that is the way to go. I often think of this and still come to the same conclusion. I done the right thing in protecting my children of what was going on between their father and myself. Anyway very much the same as you ladies. I am feeling very very hurt and pushed aside. My son-in-law's family seem to be the bees knees yet I am left and pushed to one side until they want something. Even then its posted on Facebook for me to see for me to then respond. If only her friends would see how it really is and not by the posts she puts on there. There is so much I could say..... however I have chosen to say nothing as it has caused me alot of grief and upset.

I understand your pain. I have been totally rejected by my daughter whom I was the go-to person for the first 26 years of her life. Now I don't even get a response to my repeated requests that we communicate in any way she wants. Her father had an affair when she was 11 and I raised her by myself, put her through college and graduate school. Now her father is back in her life and has convinced her that life with me was unbearable and I am to blame for our divorce. She has chosen him and his side of the family and I am devastated. Recently she became engaged and I only heard of it through my son. I am not invited to the wedding. I never thought this would happen to me because I am totally and always have been, devoted to my children. It makes me feel like an inadequate mother and I always thought I was doing a really good job. I just hope the pain goes away some day.

I was close to my daughters as well. They were the lights (3) of my life. But my ex husband virtually abandoned them for 4 years. They were so hurt, and I did everything I could do to comfort them (including counseling.)
Later, my ex resurfaced in their lives. Instead of admitting that he had relapsed back into drugs, (I know for a fact, that he was actually selling drugs,) he told my daughters that I had kept him away from them.
The truth doesn't matter. They have soothed the pain of abandonment, by blaming me for their experiences with dad.
The pain never seems to end.

Somewhat similar situation for me, U R not alone! But I have learned to take the cruelties doled out esp. by eldest with more than a grain of salt! Therapy helped. Time helped. And my mate!! Also, because I still feel a "need" for daughters I have "adopted" 2 daughters who are 38 & 46 who need a caring Mom & R either real orphans or their Mom is overseas. Both relations R solid & truly a big blessing to all parties. So I have taken care of myself!

Just an update from michelephoto: it has gotten a little better. It's not where I would like our relations to be but better is good! The older one has always been more of a "problem" simply because she verbalizes her old (30 years!) feelings. I have learned to accept it.

Hello I have alot of the same problems as you two do but my daughters younger. My only child (daughter) is 22 yrs old. I had to separate from her dad when she was 11. She was my girl till she got to the age, where her dad in her eyes, is the greatest. I could of had him removed but I did not want to do that in front of her. I figured she would hate me for that. I did not want her to have to leave her home either. One of us had to go, he wouldn't so I had to or its a very unhealthy marriage for more years and very unhealthy for my daughter. I figured we both were adults we can both continue raising my daughter. I moved a block away. Hardly took anything.The real hurtful hell set in, the ex removed my house key off my key ring. I could of called the Police, I didn't cause again I did not want my daughter to see that. The ex told his family, he threw me out cause I cheated on him, tried filling my daughters head with bullshit stories about me, bought her anything she wanted hoping she would stay with him. He totally wanted me wiped out of my daughters life. I have tried getting all 3 of us to go to counseling, talk get things straightened out. The ex tells my daughter that I want her to start seeing a shrink. She threatened me if I force her go to a shrink, she will hate me for ever. Family, friends have told me, don't worry about it, carry on, she will realize the truth, etc.... and things will get better between us. Its 10yrs now and still I am in same boat, very poor communication and nothing is straightened out, or solved. My daughter has told me, when she was about 14yrs old, that she knows why her dad said or did things it was to keep her around him. My daughters relationship with me has grown very distant. Its not the way I want it but I have no choice but to accept it. I hear nothing for my Birthday, Mothers Day. Christmas, I have gotten a gift from her so far. It feels like thats will probably end too. I have never forgot anything about her, I try phoning texting, dropping things off and 95% of the time it is ignored. It seems like when she really needs something she will get a hold of me briefly. I thank God, my daughter is very sensible, smart and in her 3rd year university but I have suffered so much emotionally all these years and my heart still aches daily. Reading your posts has the tears heavily flowing. Its looking like this is the future for me too, the lost daughter. I don't know what to do, tell me how you guys cope daily with this.

I would suggest waiting. It's no fun waiting! And we have the advantage, tho it is very painful, of realizing the shortness of life & how silly, stubborn or stupid our daughters R for ignoring us. We wait to give them attention & love. If we never reconnect, they will some day realize their stupidity. Sad but true. My situation has improved but not enough.

I just don't understand adult children anymore. I was a better mother than my mom but we always treated her with respect and never yelled or put her down and her 7 kids always remembered her on special days and visited her. Your daughter sounds like mine. Maybe we did too much for them. I don't know. I haved helped my daughter so much financially and emotionally and she is the rudest person I know off. I helped her when she had her baby, bought her a car, gave her money, babysitted and spent thousands on my granddaughter and her. Even though she is 37, I still fall for it when she wants something from me. She doesn't do it as much now since she makes more money than I do now. I feel like a puppet. I love my granddaughter very very much so I don't break it off with my daughter totally but it is hard to be treated like I am a piece of crap. The times I have needed help since my husband died, none of my kids were or have been there for me. I don't know why we allow ourselves to be mentally abused. I guess it is because we love our kids no matter what but it is a one sided deal.

I try to think back on how I was with my parents. I was close and alway there for my mom but it was painful for me to be around my dad because he had always been abusive with my mom. Nonetheless I never cut him off or stopped talking to him. My daughter, to whom I was the go-to person for the first 26 years of her life, has completely shut me out. She is 28 now and has chosen her father's side of the family although I never felt she had to choose. Why couldn't I be part of it too. When my husband had an affair and I divorced him when my daughter was 11, I raised her by myself and saw her through college and graduate school. She now has a good job and has recently gotten engaged although I heard of it from my son. I will not be invited to the wedding. I never thought something as painful and strange as this would happen to me. I just hope tomorrow is not as painful as today and the days before.

I hear you. I keep hoping the pain will end, but it just goes on and on. I can't imagine what on earth, would make it stop.

I'm so so sorry marimagi! My pain has lessened, most of the time I accept my outsider position in the family. (Please read my other replies to others responses.)

I hope I do not shock all of you but because I have a profession which allows me to lecture at universities, mostly abroad, I like to talk to women who want to follow somewhat in my footsteps. Guess what I am recommending & sometimes shocking these students with the recommendation that if they really want that career they should remain childless! I do not regret having had 2 daughters BUT if I had it to do over: A. I would certainly NOT marry at age 20. B. No kids C. Devote all my time to my craft. I am a visual artist & artists R & need to be selfish to succeed. Except for my grandchildren, being a mother in the end has NOT been fulfilling. All I gave was not appreciated & may never be. Being an artist is what my parents raised me to be & I think being a Mom also + divorced just pulled me & my kids apart. So I tell would be parents NOT to ever expect any return or thanks. Yes, it is mostly a one way street in the USA.

I know exactly what you mean. My wife pass in Oct 2013, since then I have heard from my step-daughter once to say thank you for the Christmas gifts that I gave her and my grand children by the way she 39 when her mother was still alive she would come over when she needed something like MONEY and her mother was dying of cancer. now that my wife is gone I don't see or talk to my step daughter. Her oldest just graduated and the party is not going to be at my house. what a shame. My son brought over his daughter once and that was on fathers day.
He thought he would bring her over when my wife was on her death bed and it scare the hell out of her. I received no support from them two at all and he's 38. At least I'm getting something from my oldest. I know most people don't feel the way I do But I WILL NOT beg for their love and affection. This is what I did if they want it this way. So be it I can't change Generation Y I know and so do they how to behave they were never brought this way. I hope this helped in some small way. Good luck to you in the future and I hope you get what you want. I'm afraid words like
self-center Me and it's not fare is in their volcabuary.

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