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Estranged Adult Child

I am the mother of an estranged adult child who I have not seen in three years.  I am hoping to reach out to other parents are experiencing this painful experience to share and to support one another.

atshemi atshemi 56-60 97 Responses Mar 19, 2009

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I'm thankful I just now found this site. They say "misery loves company", and I guess it is some small relief to know there are others who are going through a similar situation. It has now been over 2 years since I've had any contact at all with my daughter. She's my only child, and will be 35 years old later this year. I'm 62, and, to be completely honest, I'm not really sure how to feel toward her, after what she has done. To make a long story shorter, she severely abused her only child, my precious little grandson, and he was subsequently taken away from her and adopted. Knowing the horrible, atrocious things she did to that precious, adorable little boy, I honestly don't know if I can ever forgive her. But, that being said, it is HER choice to not have contact with me. She even went to court and told the judge that her mother is dead! This got back to me through her friends. I don't even know where she is living now. That's the way she wants it. I wrestle with thisvevery single day, and what to do, how to feel qbout it. She was never abused when she was growing up ~~ quite the opposite. We didn't have a lot of money, but she was given lots of love by her parents, and ither relatives. For the life of me, I can't figure out HOW she could so severely abuse and neglect that sweet, precious little boy! Drugs? Well, that was a factor, but I've known other people who were on drugs, and they didn't abuse their children. I just can't come to terms with this situation. Has any ither parent had a similar experience?

Is there a group/Association for parent of Estrange Children online or in the San Francisco Bay Area someone can recommend.

My husband s estranged son is in hospice with only days left! He will not speak or acknowledge his father ! We found out Zbout his son illness by someone's post online! He is estranged from his son and daughter both who are in their 50's. These adult children refused to acknowledge their father since he stopped bailing them out from poor choices they have made over the years. The most recent when his son was arrested for the fifth time and his father refused to bail him out! My husband loved his kids. He always took care of them and they have always been takers! this is so sad.

I experience this estrangement and it really is harder with the holidays; yet it is just plain the pits all the time. My youngest son begged us to move down here and save his marriage. I knew his wife was pretty volatile. They had the two girls at the time and both my husband and I decided to put our home up for sale to enjoy the girls. To be close to them and be a part of their lives. We did ask his wife how she felt about us moving to their city. Oh yes, please do!! We lost our butts on the sale of the home, buying one where we live and all the stress involved. To make the story shorter, I was abused often by her accusations and where they came from was out of the air. I hadn't been with her that much, yet she wanted to make a stew and keep the girls from us. Then they had another baby and I wasn't able to hold her, as she would purposely take the newest to others and pass me by, even when I would practically beg. Well, it has been over a year and I haven't seen them. We lost our oldest daughter in Jan. of this year and both ignored me and the children weren't to look at us.
Our younger daughter was at the funeral and began this same treatment of us. We were ignored and her children that lived with she and her husband ignored us. I died over and over during that time and have tried to let it go and go on. I am volunteering to read with a little boy at a school. Putting myself in other areas that may help, but this is the most hurtful shunning I can not imagine happening to people. I wouldn't wish it on them, let alone any enemy. The cruelty should shake me off of the ordeal to make amends again, as I have. It always goes back to the estrangement. I don't have to say anything, do anything, just to live is enough for them to be so cruel. We did our best as parents and provided help when they needed it. Money was given, cars bought,, etc. We never expected anything back, just loving them and having them in our lives was enough.
I am so very sorry for all you are feeling and dealing with. Share as much as you can, because I am here for you, as many are too. djc64

I too am estranged from my 33 yr old son which is sooo hurtful so I know your pain. He is now having a baby in January. I have not been a part of the pregnancy. He also threw a baby shower for his wife so I guess I won't be a part of the baby's life which is so cruel. The holidays are coming and I won't go to any family party that he and his wife attend because I can't bear the pain. It is difficult to continue with this situation and pity you and anyone else who is going through this. Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

We are trying to respect each other within this support group and I truly do understand the pain of the holidays coming. I don't know how to put two and two together anymore. My mind wanders and my thoughts go to the negative, which is hard to stop. We have heard of "Release Control" and there is where I am stuck. I still want to control what I can't. The Serenity Prayer always came in for these rough times, but so many memories are crowding in. God help us!! I respect and support you very much.

I am so sorry for you and your situation. I too have an estranged adult child who I see periodically because he chooses to show up for events pertaining to his sister. Seeing him is so upsetting for me because he never acknowledges I am in the room or that I am his Mother which is very painful and heartbreaking. I pity you because not seeing him for three years must be hard but I really don't know what that is like. It is a very tough situation because the adult child has all the control and chooses not to talk to us and act like we don't exist which is so cruel and hurtful. Everyday I wake up with the pain of not having him in my life and don't know how I can go on and continue with him out of my life. I constantly pray to ask God to help me carry my cross and to give me strength because no mother should have to do through this. There aren't any words to describe how we feel. It is just a pain that never goes away. We have to try to live our lives though as difficult as that is. Do you know why he is out of your life?

Since my adult son chose to estrange himself from us nearly three years ago, I've searched for support and solace from a number of sites and could not find a story as close to my own as yours. The way in which you have described your situation and response is the way I live each day; thinking about him upon waking and before sleep, hoping he is in good physical health and hoping that one day I will be pleasantly surprised by some form of contact. I should say here that the estrangement began shortly after he had made a decision to return home to our city after living abroad for many years. We do not know what was packed in the emotional baggage he brought back and I doubt we ever will as he is a very private individual and once a choice is made to 'turn the page' on a situation or person, there is no going back. I have apologized for whatever I might have done to incur his decision, but can do no more.
He refuses to answer phone calls, email or texts, though he is in contact with his older brother. My husband and I do not know what caused this decision on our son's part as we do not present the usual divorce, mental/physical abuse, drug, alcohol scenarios. On the contrary, we are blessed with a very long term marriage, our other son and daughter-in-law whom we love dearly and moderate professional success. We are not wealthy, but appreciate what we do have and have always shown our sons all the love and care of which we are capable as we worked to bring out the best in each of them. They are both professionally successful, creative and interesting young men. My husband and I have gone for counseling, but were told that the problem is not ours to treat; that our son must come forward to own his behavior towards us. Of course, this has not happened, despite a letter we were advised to write by the psychologist and which received no response. Like you, our estranged son shows up at family gatherings, but only if his brother arranges it. And like you, he is friendly and charming to everyone there but my husband and I whom he does not engage in conversation at all. Ironically, when he lived abroad, contact was regular; now that he lives within a few miles of us, he will not respond to our invitations for meals or holiday gatherings unless his brother acts as go-between. Needless to say, this is getting tiresome for everyone and I try not to quiz my older son for news of his brother. I have told my son and daughter-in-law that I trust them to share anything important as they see fit. The last thing we want is to estrange both of our sons. One final comment; I've come to believe that this situation will carry on for the long term and that some health issues that I've developed are due to the stress it has caused. Sorry to tear off your ear, here, but I wish you a good resolution to your situation and welcome anything else you'd like to share here. Thanks.

I just made the decision to cut off my father, I've cut off his abusive (mentally and physically) wife (step-mother) for years now.. considering cutting out the rest of both of their families, everyone except my brother.Don't need the chaotic religious bullshit. For some reason, they are extremely good at complicating my life and always seem to have an ulterior motive.

P.S. - From what I've learned in life, if you believe in God, you are mentally unstable, believe in things that don't exist and have a broken epistemology that is like a repellant to people who want wholesome fulfilling lives.

God doesn't exist, the sooner you realize that, maybe the sooner your kids will come back.

I'm sorry you feel that way. It probably was a good idea for you to cut yourself off from you father and his wife if you feel they have been abusive to you. You need to have peace and find a way to heal. Have you thought about some counseling? My ex-husband was abusive to me and counseling did help after I removed myself from him. I wish you well. Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

Thank you for your kinds words. I think about what having a loving caring family would be like everyday, sort of depresses me, being a young man still trying to find his way, I don't show it, but the pain is still there.

I've managed to land myself an incredibly high paying job I am excelling at that is stable and provides more for me than I could ever ask for out of a job with an outstanding positive boss and great coworkers.. this makes me happy, sort of a way that I proved to myself I was worth something.. whereas when I was younger, my parents reinforced notions that I was weird, and talked too much, wouldn't sit still, had a loud mouth and wasn't going to amount to anything in life because I wanted to have fun and would end up in jail.. Stupid *** parents.

Life has treated me well since I left my parents but there are still holes in certain aspects of my life, maybe I can attribute the odd feelings of emptiness to maturity, but I think it's more than that. My step mother was evil, extremely mean, mentally abusive like no other.. Used her belief in God as justification for my punishments, left me with a childhood I wouldn't wish on anyone, I've found that over time my experiences with the woman have made it difficult for me to establish relationships with women in general, which as a man, sucks.

Don't get me wrong, I am very introspective and reflective so I try to fix these shortcomings by asking questions and trying new things to enlighten my perspective.. but there's still that looming feeling of dread whenever my Dad wants to talk to me, and it always reminds me of how great things could've been if my parents hadn't fallen of the wagon.

When I read most of the responses from parents and other adults, I can't help but wonder if these people writing here are as crazy as my parents, because if they are, I completely understand why their children has abandoned them.

Being a parent myself I must say sometimes we make mistakes. No one gave us a handbook how to be a parent. I just did what I thought was the right thing and perhaps that wasn't always good for my child. Sometimes parents repeat their upbringing because that is all they know. I can admit I made mistakes and have asked for forgiveness but my son won't let go of the anger. I have decided to leave him alone and hopefully both of us could find some kind of peace in our lives. No one wins in these situations. The child is in pain and so is the parent. Sometimes the situation seems to be so big and overwhelming that both parties just give up which is a shame. I've tried to fight for my child but he wants no part of me. I have to move on. It sounds as though you are moving in the right direction with your life even though it hurts. No one should put up with abuse from anyone. Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect.

My son at 19 years old and he will be 22 in October, said he needed to disappear for a few years. He said I love you mom but I need to do this. He said he would show up sone day on my doorstep.
Every Christmas and his birthday wich is October 11, 1991 is very hard. :(

I'm a Mom too of a 33 yr old son who wasn't so nice about leaving. I know the situation is painful and sympathize with you as it is a horrible feeling not to have your child in your life for any reason. Since he was 19 when he left, maybe he needed to sort things out in his life. At least he left on good terms. I guess I would just pray for him to resolve the issues he has so he can come home. 19 is a difficult age for teens. I wish you well. Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

I'm sorry for your estrangement and know it must have been hard on your son's birthday this year. I suffer that myself every year on my son's birthday. I always acknowledge his birthday some way but I get no response. Next year I will stop the birthday wishes and give him what he wants. The holidays are coming too which will be hard. He is also having a baby the beginning of January which I am not a part of. I'm sorry for all the parents going through this because I know how it feels.Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

I am new to this... My son who has lived with me for 19 years has suddenly decided to live with his deadbeat dad who has done nothing for him and his brother. It all started about 5 months ago when his dad was supposed to pick him from school and couldn't because he didn't have gas in his car. I may have gone a little over board with my anger but it is what it is. I have since apologized number of times. So it all started from there - he went to spend the night and then the weekend and then the week and 3 weeks later he calls me saying he was at the house wanting to get the rest of his stuff with no forewarning to his intentions or anything. I told him I was busy and he would have to come back later. When I got home I let him know that I was home. I felt it coming and I pulled all his stuff that he had bought with his money together and put them in a duffle bag. When he came back with my ex in the car I did not allow him to go in. I was outside I popped my trunk and handed him his stuff. He went thru it and said he had stuff missing so I told him I would look and set it aside and he could come back later. He was upset and refused to leave - my neighbor saw my distraught and called the police on them because they would not leave. <br />
Police came but of course they could not make me let him in so they had to leave - and it was all down hill from there. He has refused to communicate with me. I had minor surgery and prior to the incident we had agreed that he would drive me back home. He did not show up nor called to let me know that he would not be driving me. My inexperience younger son who now refuses to talk to him or my ex. <br />
He also moved with his dad because his dad lets him drive his car around and he had already totaled my car so I was very hesitant in letting him drive.<br />
I hate this situation I am in. In reading the below post from 'iknowhatyoumean' I am understanding a little. Because I have tried to force him to talk to me by showing up at his job and he has never disrespected me but he does ignore me which still ends up making me feel like crap.<br />
This past weekend was his birthday and the last time he will ignore me because I am not going to put myself in that situation anymore. He knows how to find me if he needs me. <br />
There are so many things that I could go on and on...<br />
I recently starting praying again because I had sort of lost my faith (I'm catholic) so I started again.<br />
Any advice and is welcomed. This is very hard for me. I had giving my all to both of my boys for 19 years and I am so hurt and devastated.

This is becoming a growing phenomenon. Presently one out of three children are doing this to their parents, and this means there are now a vast amount of parents who are living in agony. It's worse than if the child had died because there is no closure whatsoever. You're not able to bury your child with love, mourn them with love. Your child is giving you the silent treatment and is acting as if you no longer exist, as if you are beneath them, not good enough to even work on having a relationship with. Because this has been so devastating to me, I have done some extensive studying regarding this and learned that it is the worst form of abuse that a someone can do to another person. I also learned that when a parent is constantly trying to beg to have a relationship with a child like this, the non=responsive child gets a thrill out of it, and the behavior continues. If you aren't allowed to have a relationship with your child or your grandchild, if you don't know if your grandchildren are getting their cards, money, and presents because you can't talk to them, and aren't receiving any thank-you cards from them, you need to disconnect. By no longer responding to the cruelty, by not constantly begging for attention and by just ignoring it and going on with your life, your child will then have to decide if they want to come to you to re-establish the relationship. If and when they do, you then tell them that you do not deserve to be treated like that and if they decide to treat you like that again you won't be chasing after them as before. You will always love them, and you will always be there for them when they decide to have an adult relationship with you, but you won't tolerate being abused. Parents of estranged children are being treated as if they don't deserve to be in the lives of that child and their family, and those parents need to not pander to their children's terrible behavior EVER! If the parents did do something wrong, apologize for it, but you don't need to have to whip yourself over and over again for it. You should be forgiven if you have asked for forgiveness. If that child isn't willing to forgive, then it's no longer your problem - it's their problem. You don't need to continue to grovel for their love and approval, and you don't need to be their whipping boy/girl any longer.

I've learned all of this the hard way. I almost died. The ambulance took me to the hospital and the doctors said I was within 24 hours of dying because my calcium levels had dropped so low as to no longer sustain life. After a week's stay at the hospital, and 4 days stay under a nurse's care after the hospital, the kids still didn't care. My friends and had called my children to notify them, and they were met with a wall of coldness and uncaring that stunned them. My mother was actually afraid to contact my children because they've been ignoring her, just like me! My doctors actually told my friends that my children's nonsupport and coldness during my crisis was actually making me worse! Having your children treat you this way, I've learned, can make you ill enough to kill you. I've met people who have had heart attacks from having their kids treat them this way, and others who have been thrown into such deep depression that they wanted to die. Been there, done that!

All of what I've read here resonates in many ways, especially in the ways that parents' hearts are broken. There are so many different excuses for children to become estranged, but it often boils down that the child doesn't have the maturity to want to establish an adult relationship with their parent, and haven't realized that families aren't supposed to break up, but remain supportive of each other. Parents may divorce, we may have differences, but we are still flesh and blood. Parents still love their children, and the children - knowing that, shouldn't try to throw that back in the parents' faces in order to hurt them.

Sadly, my own brother has children who are doing the same thing to him. It breaks my heart!

I know I don't actually belong here since I'm not a parent of an estranged child, but I am an estranged child looking for advice for how to reestablish contact, and you might be the ones to talk to.

My father has sexually abused my mother for many years, and she's always relied on me to be her friend and confidante about this, starting when I was in fourth grade. When I became an adult, due to the ideas I had imbibed about how relationships were supposed to work, I ended up in a string of sexually abusive relationships myself. Finally, two years ago, I built up the self-respect and strength to rid myself of the last of these men. But somehow, and I don't even fully understand why this happened, I found I couldn't contact my parents any more. My heart felt like it was burning and being squeezed through my throat when I tried to call or write an email. I have no desire to contact my father. He abused or is abusing my mother, he enjoyed hurting our pets when I was growing up, and he's an unrepentant alcoholic. And while I can intellectually understand the circumstances that made him the way he is, I do not want people like him in my life any more. It's only now, after two years of no contact, that I no longer wake up terrified at night or get irrationally angry if someone touches my skin. Not contacting him is the right choice for me.

But my mother. I don't think I can be the emotional support she's always wanted me to be, any more. I don't know if I have that strength in me. What I want is to be able to say hi, how are you, just be in touch without having to relive the fear and disgust and shame that pervades that household. Fear and disgust and shame that my mother still has to put up with--and it feels wrong, selfish of me not to want to provide her at least with the outlet to vent about him--but I just don't. I want--and it's like chasing a unicorn, this kind of stuff just doesn't exist--I want to be able to have a normal mother-daughter relationship with her, where it feels like she cares about me and we talk about things. Even if it's selfish of me to recontact her wanting a less turbulent relationship, how do I go about doing that?

I couldn't wait to leave home, for the very same reason that you describe here! Wow! My mom married my stepdad when I was 5 and knew that he was extremely abusive to me. I told her that he was sexually abusing me as well, but she chose him over me. This caused a terrible rift in the relationship with my mother, and my stepdad would actually do everything he could to keep me from talking to her on the phone. When I had kids, she was only allowed to come visit me one time without him. I didn't want him in my house, around my children as he was a *********.

During the years when my children were growing up, I had my children send their grandma cards to celebrate all holidays, as well as presents. Grandma refused to accept anything unless her husband was included. Eventually, I started including him because he asked me to forgive him for everything he'd done to me, and I was able to let everything go. I still didn't go visit them or take my children around them, and they didn't visit me. But our relationship was so much better than it had ever been as we were treating each other with respect for the first time. My mother used to rage at me, scream at me and put me down all the time until I told her that I would no longer tolerate it. I told her that when she could control herself she could call me, and I always told her, after I said that, that I loved her. I ended up being the adult in the relationship, but I found that by setting limits we were able to have a truly great thing happen.

Now we are in contact EVERY SINGLE DAY! She lives across the country from me, so I don't ever get to see her in person, but we Skype once a month, email back and forth every day, and talk on the phone several times a week. If something happens that makes me uncomfortable, I just remove myself from that for the moment, gather my emotions until I'm able to speak to her without getting mad, and then express to her how I feel. She used to not be able to handle that, but she does now!

So I advise you to find a way to have a relationship with your mom. My relationship is really great now, and even though it's at a distance I feel really good about it! GOOD LUCK!

Hi
I am a mom with an estranged 23year old daughter for the past 2 years.
I found out that my husband her stepdad was grooming her all these years for a sexual relationship. 2 years ago, I found texts from my daughter to my husbands phone. They were intimate and from that point in there was no doubt in my mind tvat they were together. I filed for divorce. She has adamantly denied the ****** but yet continues to live with him ( he is 50). When her brother and I confronted her to try and "save her", we were met with anger and hatred.
I've cried for years for her. I've emailed hundreds of times saying how much Iove her and that I did not know this was going on. I tell her I will be here for her always and will help her through the healing. I never get a response to voicemails or emails.
I've had to accept that this is what she wants right now and I can't rescue her.
Every breath I take is so painful. I have 3 other children but I am not complete or whole without one of them. The relationships between she and her siblings are strained and filled with hating me and blaming me for these accusations she claims are untrue.
We know the truth. She may make the decision to never reveal and and therefore never heal or get the therapy she deserves.
I hate that my ex has done this to her and hate that she doesn't have the courage to leave.
I pray all day and do my best to totalky put this in gods hands but it's not always easy. I wAnt to trust and believe that God will handle this and bring her back to me but at times my human ness gets in the way and I feel the hurt the betrayal the wanting to die.
I have to remind myself that God does not want us to feel this way. He wants us to hand over our unbearable pain to Him.
Like everyone else here, I never expected this future with my daughter. I gave her all I had and was the best mom I could be.
I harbor no anger towards her as I've come to know that her stepdad groomed her for the end result if taking over her mind, soul and body. Now she's too shamed to come forward although we would all support her.
Does anyone else have estrangement from sexual abuse/******?
It's the worst pain I've ever felt to know she chose him over her family that loved her and never hurt her.
I know I am powerless and until god chooses to intervene, we will continue estranged.
I ask him everyday WHY ME? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?
She has always been my whole life
I worry about her future and her keeping the secrets that destroy her soul her happiness abd her family relationships
We are all broken
She refuses to get therapy as I think at this point in time she's so brainwashed she knows no other life but the one she shares with a ********* that I entrusted her to
After years of trying and getting no response I've finally given up.being estranged from my daughter has made me mentally, physically and spiritually sick
Most days I want to die because I can't protect her or sane her from the abuse
Yes she's 23 and an adult but inside there's a child screaming in pain from the years of abuse
Why didn't she come to me or her siblings? What keeps her there? I tell her. In emails no matter what we will love her unconditionally and that my doir is always open.
Today was my 3rd Mother's Day without her and the pain is as deep as her first betrayal.
Does anyone have a similar situation ?
Thank you for all the lists and support on this site
Tonight is the first night I haven't felt so alone

The site blocks out words like ****** and molester, but I think you understand what I'm saying.

My stepdad tried to do that to me, even asked me to marry him, but I loathed him and was terrified of him. I tricked him and told him I wanted him to tell my mother what he wanted to do, as I had tried to tell her for years what he had been doing and she wouldn't believe me. So he sat down and told her that he wanted to marry me, and she BLAMED ME! You are obviously a much more mature mother than that, and I wish that I'd had a mother like you! Your daughter doesn't even realize what a blessing she has in you. You are doing right in placing this in God's hands. I totally understand your agony. After the drama of my mom feeling sorry for herself because she said that her husband didn't want her but wanted ME (Ugh, as if I'd want HIM!), I moved immediately out of the house. Our relationship was strained for years and years, and I later learned that he had told many people that I had come on TO HIM! As if a 5-year-old child would ever want to be molested! Your daughter is in a very dark place right now, but I have to commend you for being the normal one here during all of this drama. The stepdad is the sicko here. If he was doing this while she was a minor, could he prosecuted for it? He should be listed as a sex offender because as she grows up he will do it to their children or neighbors' children.

Just let your daughter know that you will always be there for her. That's all you can do right now. Forgive her for behaving this way, as she doesn't know what she's doing as is under that evil man's influence. When she gets her ability to think for herself back, I'm hoping she come back to you. Bless you!

How do you deal with this because I am going through the same thing and am not doing too well with it.

The only way I've been able to deal with it is by studying the phenomenon and realizing that it's happening to more people than I ever realized. I've met so many people who this is happening to, and listening to their stories has helped. Also, no longer trying to get my kids to talk to me, no longer sending them cards, money, and presents has helped me as well.

chattyqueen, you had a father or stepfather who abused you and your mother chose him?

If that is what you're going through, then I feel so badly. I had to learn to forgive both my mother and stepdad, who are now both elderly. This has relieved so much for me, and now I no longer have terrible feelings towards them. They have had bad feelings about what they did to me, but I tell them that I have forgiven them, and I truly have. Others in the family have been angry at them for what was done to me, but I can now truly tell them to not be angry on my account as I have been able to let it all go. It's a very freeing feeling - to no longer harbor that anger inside. The -perpetrators still feel angst about it as they come to the end of their lives, but it isn't my place to judge them. I can truly feel sorry for them and have learned to care for them and their feelings.

I believe that once I was able to let that anger and hatred go, my whole life became so much happier and I viewed things in a much more beautiful light. We can't force a parent to chose us over their spouse, but sometimes, when we grow up, we can find a way to have a relationship. It may not be perfect, but it's certainly better than the one we had when we were growing up.

I applaud you for finding a way to figure your parents and to hear you are doing much better because you forgave. My son is estranged from me and cannot figure whatever it is he is angry about even though I apologized. He is holding on to angry and I can tell it is eating him alive. He is not big on communicating so that is most of the problem. He can't even begin to express how he feels which is sad. I only wish he could be like you and learn to forgive and let it go because life is too short. I'm happy for you and continue to live in peace. Thank you for sharing your story.Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

1 More Response

i have 2. 2 years for me.... :(

My son of 24 has shredded me for leaving his father 11/2 years ago. He is cruel and disrespectful. My daughter of 21 chooses to have no relationship with me either. I believe their father has discredited me and they believe him. I am angry and just desire to move on without feeling this pain any longer. How can I shelve this power my children seem to have over my heart.

I feel your pain I too am going thru with my two daughters and the youngest is the leader. I want to move on and turn my head the other way. I no longer want the abuse to the heart or to my mind. We as parents can get lost and sometimes we don't come back and I want to live. I did the very best I can do with what tools I had as a single mother and if it is easier to trash me, place blame , etc., instead of showings their appreciation and genuine love then I don't want them in my life anymore . Sometimes tough love needs to take take over and shield our hearts so this is where I start my healing

Deniselaboy, you are doing exactly what all of the counselors are saying that you should do in response to this kind of behavior!

Deniselaboy and Chandraflewelling, I understand your pain. Our children will always have a hold over our hearts, but the pain and agony we feel every time we reach out to them and they are nonresponsive, do not return our phone calls, do not thank us for the many gifts, loving cards and letters, gift cards, emails and texts, is just another stab of our hearts. We constantly send boxes, cards and money to our grandchildren and they are never allowed to call us on the phone, never send us a thank you card, etc., we never even know if they realize the numerous gifts are from us. Our estranged children could just keep the money and gift cards, rewrap our presents and say they're from themselves so we don't get credit for trying to have a relationship with our grandchildren, and we become total ghosts to our beloved grandchildren. We are non-existent. I've read in several psychiatric papers that one of the cruelest things a parent can do is to keep their children away from their grandparents - unless there is a known ********* involved, which then makes it a necessity. Otherwise, a grandparent enriches a child's life like no other person can do, and it is cruel to do this! It is also very cruel and inhumane for a child to give a parent the "silent treatment" and this is considered one of the cruelest forms of abuse known. It tells the parent that they aren't worthy of breathing the same air as every person on this earth, that all of their efforts to raise that child were for naught and were entirely unappreciated. Holidays come and go without hearing from these children, and when you are sending cards and gifts to them without even a phone call or a thank you, it only breaks the heart of an estranged parent even more and makes them feel as though life itself is no longer worth living.

The only way to stop the constant hurt that accompanies each and every time a parent does something for an estranged child without a response, is to quit doing things for them. Quit trying to contact them, quit sending them cards, letters, money, gift cards, boxes of presents, etc. Quit telling them how much you love them and want to have a relationship with them. They already know that. Once the barrage of attention from you ceases, they no longer have the satisfaction that comes from hurting you and they have to then take the time to look within themselves as to why you suddenly quit seeking their attention. Or they might even respect you for no longer begging after them when you receive nothing back.

You will find that you are suddenly at peace - that is what I found, and I have had other people in this situation tell me exactly the same thing. I have found an amazing amount of people who are going through the exact same thing, and the ones who quit trying to seek out the attention of their children are the ones who have found peace.

But only YOU can determine how far gone your situation is. If your child NEVER contacts you no matter how hard you try, that would be your greatest clue.

If you are a single parent (either mother or father) who were the one who was always there for your children and the other parent was NEVER there while they were growing up, be aware that if the non-supportive parent is an ugly, vindictive person with an ugly, vindictive family like in my situation, they will make sure - once your children are adults - that they are filled with lies about you. If this family has a lot of money, like in my case, they can bribe them as well. Also, the parent that was never there for that child becomes very desirable because that child was never wanted or shown attention before and now they are suddenly getting all of the attention in the world. Suddenly, the parent who has always loved them unconditionally and who sacrificed everything for them, becomes unimportant to them. The parent who was never there for them is suddenly the all-important one. I've learned that this is a common phenomenon, as these adult children are simply not thinking in an adult manner. They are thinking with their "child brain" which became emotionally stunted from the time that their non-supportive parent left their life, and they hunger for their attention putting all reason, loyalty, and love for the other parent aside.

The only way to break that or the pain that is happening to the estranged parent is to stop trying to change things. You simply can't do that while the adult child is in this state. They have to grow up emotionally and mentally. No matter how hard you try now, you won't be able to break through that brick wall that they have built to keep you out.

If one of the children has a mental health issue (bi-polar, now refusing to take her medication) and is deliberately trying to lie to break up your relationship with your other children - such as happened to me - it is very important to remember to proceed with caution with the mentally ill child. If they are chronic liars who are doing everything they can to break up the family, you will know that you can't trust them with ANYTHING, and trying to treat them like a normal person will be done at your own peril. Please tread carefully there.

You need to quit responding to their disrespect. Quit chasing after them when they ignore you. Quit sending them cards, money, and gifts when they ignore you. If their dad is alienating them from you and they choose to believe him, there is nothing you can do about it. But by constantly chasing after them, you are giving them the power. You are the parent here, and you are NEVER to be treated with disrespect. You have to teach them that, even if their father is teaching them differently. They will learn the lesson and will eventually want to talk to you about it. But you need to stop responding to their rudeness and neglect.

Your answer resonates with me the most. It was tolerating disrespect and emotional abuse that I left the marriage for and in hindsight I can now see how disrespect has been learned behaviour that my children have exhibited. I cringe with shame at their behaviour and even though I love them deeply I am also blindsided because my perception of our relationship was that my son and daughter loved me and understood why I left. It's been two years now. After reading your response I agree that acknowledging them anymore is counterproductive. Thank you.

Chandraflewelling Dear, My heart leapt when I read your response! I immediately recognized that you and I have been through the exact same thing! My (ex)husband was extremely disrespectful towards me during the marriage. He refused to teach the children to do anything for me on Mother's Day, and his excuse was that I wasn't his mother. Oddly, I was the one who did everything for his own mother on Mother's Day as he did nothing. I was the one who made sure everyone in his family was recognized for every birthday and holiday. He hated all holidays. I did everything to keep him close to his family, yet one of his many sisters accused me of "stealing our brother from our family" when I married him. He was so cold to everyone, including his kids. His own family was a huge contributor with the disrespect shown towards me as, while I was married to him, they made sure to let my children know they disliked me and they treated my kids like outcasts. After the divorce, my kids told me that they would loudly and openly say the most horrible things about me until my children started crying. After my kids grew up, they were given material possessions from this side of the family as long as they quit talking to me, and so the horror continues. While the children were at home, they were my loving children, but once they were out of the house, he and his family closed in and showered them with their wealth and hatred towards me, and my kids forgot about all of the sacrifices I had made for them, and all of the good times we'd had. They forgot about all of the abuse from their father towards me and them, and suddenly their father is "a really good guy", whereas before he was so awful that they wanted nothing to do with him. I always bought him cards and gifts for them to give their father for holidays, always remember him despite the fact that he never came to see them. It was 7 years before he even saw the house they lived in while in middle school and high school, and that's a long time to waste! He's a very rich man and could have taken the time to see them, but he chose not to. He even chose to not pay full child support for about 1-1/2 years, so I really had to struggle to make ends meet. All the while, he continued to teach the kids to disrespect me. He told them that they didn't need to do any chores around the house because he was paying child support. He told them they didn't need to do what I told them to do because he was paying child support! He thwarted my ability to parent my children - whom I had full custody of because he was ruled as an unfit parent for reasons of child abuse by the State! Yet now, because he gives my children expensive houses and lots of money, and I have spent every last penny on my kids and have NOTHING LEFT - I am no longer useful to them. He has made sure that they don't respect me at all, and they have forgotten everything he did to them and to me. I don't understand how that happened when they used to appreciate me so much. I do know that he is a sociopath, and is very clever in how he deals with people. He pretends to be such a nice guy when he's really very cruel. Refusing to co-parent with the other parent is one of the first no-nos that you are taught when you are getting a divorce! I went to that class before the divorce, but he refused to go to the class that was mandated by the court system. How is it that one parent will comply with the court system and the other person will just thumb their nose at it and will then be able to win over those kids in the end? I have court documents that show everything I am saying here is true, but my oldest daughter is now denying that any of this happened! She is slandering me in this regards in order to get closer to her father and his family, and they are rewarding her. My family has watched this with dismay, as both of my children have also become estranged from my side of the family - not just from me. Knowing that my family knows the truth, I guess they don't want to be confronted by them with the facts, but want to continue to live with lies. It must be easier to live that way. Yet people who have seen my children tell me that there is an emptiness to their eyes, an unhappiness in their faces. They are trying to portray living happy lives (they live in different states and neither of them have a relationship with each other), but people tell me that they can see a disconnect there, a falsehood portrayed. Maybe they are fooling some, but not others. Maybe they are only fooling themselves? I, personally, believe that when you are doing something that deep down inside you know is wrong - when you are disloyal to a parent who has always been there for you when the other parent wasn't - you have to feel you are breaking up inside. You know you are doing wrong. You may try to justify it. Maybe you get a nice home or a car, and it seems great at the time, but your conscience will eat away at you. You can NEVER be a truly happy person because you have done something that is so fundamentally dishonest! How can you, as the child, ever correct it? You would have to admit you were wrong! How would you do that and yet continue to reap the benefits from the abusive parent who is now rewarding you for being disloyal to the one who has always been there for you? How do you ever look in the mirror and ever TRULY contemplate what a horrible person YOU HAVE BEEN for treating that parent in such a way? Kids who have done that don't want to acknowledge their mistake because the horror of realizing what a horrible person they are is beyond their ability to deal with!

Yet when they tell us all of our mistakes as a parent, we humbly admit them and apologize. Our relationship with our children is more important to us than keeping our mistakes close to our vests. Being a part of our children's lives is what we want, and if they want us to repent for anything they feel we have done to ruin their lives, we gladly do it in order to make things right.

One time I visited my youngest daughter at college. I was horrified to see that her apartment looked like what would be on one of those TV shows about hoarders. The place was so filthy that I started cleaning after a few hours as there wasn't a place to sit or clean dishes. I was supposed to stay with her for the weekend, but there wasn't any room to sleep. She couldn't even use her bathroom sink because she had filled it with so much junk. She became angry with me for trying to help her and then said, "Mom, don't you know that the reason I'm like this is because of you? You're the one to blame for this!" I had kept my home clean while my children grew up and wasn't a hoarder, so I couldn't understand what she was talking about. None of it made a lick of sense. Our kids blame us when they are adults, for any faults that THEY have when they were taught to be responsible as children. As adults, they don't want to take responsibility for their own actions. I think that when one parent decides, while they are growing up, to interfere with the other parent who is their sole caretaker/nurturer, the kids are bound to have some pretty weird problems.

If one parent has been disrespectful to the other parent, and if their family is disrespectful to that parent as well, there will be a problem with the child if that child isn't mature enough to realize that it's wrong to treat that parent in such a way. The disrespected parent needs to have people who are willing to be advocates for them and willing to stand up against their mistreatment. If they don't have that, they need to get counseling in order to learn how to do that for themselves and to surround themselves with people who will affirm their worthiness. It took me a long time to learn this. I wanted to always be a part of my childrens' and grandchildrens' lives, but no one should put up with disrespect in order to be a part of things!

Thank you for your story. It sounds heart breaking. It's been 2 years and I am finally realizing that this is so complex. It can be about so many things and we can get so stuck in the why that we get trapped. Perhaps my ex is a sociopath , perhaps my kids are too, perhaps they aren't and my ex is supplying them with everything they want during this egocentric stage. In any event the estranged parent has no control and the job we have is to surrender. It's a long process that does not or will not alleviate the pain or the loss we have for the children we love.

Take up believing in God and brainwash yourself like every other person in this retarded *** world. Otherwise, keep reaching out to fix things.

5 More Responses

Hi atshemi, I too am the mother of an estranged adult child, 27 year old son. I have not seen him for 3 years. I got divorced from his father 12 years ago and remarried 3 years ago. My son and husband don't get on at all and my son blames my husband for 'kicking him out' of the house when he was 18. However, this really is not the case as my son's behaviour was the cause of it and he was given the chance to improve it, but chose not to. Up until last Christmas (2012) I used to get a birthday card and Christmas card. But last year he told my mother that he wants nothing more to do with me because 'I chose my husband over him'. I still send him birthday cards etc and cheques but he does not take the cheques. I feel really sad that there is no prospect of any reconciliation - I guess as long as he continued to acknowledge me as his mother (by sending birthday cards etc) I held out hope that the situation would improve. I now hear that he has bought a house and is getting married next year. It is very painful, I have tried counselling which didn't really help. I guess I just have to get used to the situation. The only way I can describe it is like a bereavement - without the body. It is reassuring that I am not alone in this - and I really feel that hearing similar stories from other parents - who can genuinely empathise because they are going through it too, does help.

Nudnika, My heart goes out to you! I understand exactly what you're going through with the grief process. An actual grief counselor is actually the best way to go than a regular counselor as they are trained in handling this kind of loss. It is EXACTLY the same as if your child had died. When my youngest daughter told me, when I had driven a long distance to be with her for the weekend at her college apartment, that she didn't want me for her mother, blamed ME for the fact that she had become a hoarder when I had been the only supportive parent in her life, I left her apartment in tears. I drove home, crying the whole way during that long, long trip. If a semi truck had hit me, it would have been a blessing. I had lost my daughter and she had made that perfectly clear to me. Going to work on Monday morning, I was in the midst of the grieving process, and when my boss asked me what was wrong I burst into tears and said, "I just lost my daughter." Everyone assumed that my daughter had died, and I didn't have the strength to tell them otherwise, nor did I know how to explain anything different! Because it was a death - but a death without a funeral. I didn't have anywhere to go to mourn this horrific loss. I had been FIRED AS A MOTHER! How does a child do this to their mother? How does a parent, one who thinks of the well being of their children every moment of every day, put this to rest? Where are the mourners to support you, the memorial service, the tombstone that you can take flowers to so that you can talk to that child's spirit and recall all of the beautiful times of their childhood - when all they want to do is to forget all of the happy times and throw you away? A grief counselor is the only one who can help you to get past such a devastating loss - one that people with normal children will NEVER understand.

Our situation is pretty new but just about driving me nuts literally. First she met a man after having been divorced 6yrs. Within 2 weeks she started cutting things out. My picking up my 9 yr old granddaughter. Now it's you can't see your granddaughter, but if you SEND the Christmas presents she'll make sure they get to her. (after she takes our tags off and she puts new ones from her on). This granddaughter was so special to us. We really helped raise her. I can't go to dance recital, school functions etc. Thanks for listening; ON THE VERGE.

My heart goes out to you, lostgrammy. I feel your pain too. My daughter has cut me out of my grandchildren's life as well. I can't even talk to them on the phone. She won't answer my phone calls on their birthdays, and they don't even send me thank yous for the big boxes of presents at Christmas or the cards filled with money and presents I would send throughout the year. I finally realized that I needed to stop trying. I found out that daughter has slandered me to so many people in the city where she lives that if I wanted to, I could actually take her to court and sue her! (I have documents that prove that what she says are lies, but wouldn't take her to court because she's my daughter.) I hope that your daughter is NOT lying about you to your granddaughter as that would be intolerable. Many times a new boyfriend/girlfriend or in-law will be so controlling that they will demand that your child not have contact with you. It's their way of controlling your daughter and grandchild. You might want to check to see if he is a ********* - go to your sheriff's county records and check the listings for sex offenders to see if he is on there. Many people date them without realizing they are. I don't mean to alarm you, but it makes me wonder why she's suddenly cutting you out of her life, and I have to think it's the new boyfriend. Be brave and let us know how you're doing!

I, too, am a lost grandma, Lostgrammy. I'm so sorry for your loss. After going through several years of not being allowed to speak to my grandchildren despite all of the presents and money I sent to them, I had to finally stop. I realized that they weren't getting a thing. It's better to open savings accounts for them that their mother will never be able to touch, and when the children are old enough to contact you, give them the money then. If you are on a fixed income and don't have a lot of money, if they ever do contact you (realize that your daughter may have told them that you are deceased) you can let them know that you always wanted to be a part of their lives and that this broke your heart. Keep a journal where you wrote to your grandchildren and have a trusted friend or relative know where that is so that they can give it to those children when they are 18-21 and are away from your daughter. I know several people who are doing both of those things. Also, those who were not allowed to be a part of their grandchildren's lives do not put their children in their will, but put their grandchildren in their will and they inherit the money once they turn 21 or older and once they read the journals or a letter about the estrangement, given to them by a lawyer or family member/friend.

Ive been estrainged from my son for four years. in that time i have suffered three heart attacks and open heart surhery. I'm in Christian grief counseling which had heped a lot. i finally had to decide to move on with my life. i cashed in my retirement, sold everything, moved, got a new job and stated a new life. it was the hardest thing to do but i can't let this literally kill me. i know that in God's time He will reconcile us. God does not want strife in a family. i found a strong men's group at my new church. Its been hard at 50 to start a new life but its exciting at the same time. i am now a counselor at a college and love helping my students. The pain is subsiding and my health has greatly improved. I am trusting in God and finally moving forward. One day God will bring us back together.

This is fabulous of you absolutely and my wishes for the best that god will bring to you

My adult daughter holds a grudge since I divorced her father when she was 9 and has never forgiven me, she thinks he was a great dad, she is now 34 I am in the dog house as she keeps bringing it up, I am 70, her dad died 8 yrs ago, guess I should have been the parent that died instead.

Frances, I am glad that you are still with us. God has a plan for all of us believe in him

No dear, she should be serving a life sentence, just like any other criminal, because she has emotionally murdered you. In fact it would be much kinder to just put us out of our misery, but they couldn't get the ongoing pleasure that way. Keep it up little ones---one day when you meet your maker, you will have to LOOK
HIM IN THE EYE AND EXPLAIN YOUR BEHAVIOR. What a day that will be! And all our tears will be wiped away.

Franca5, What an awful daughter to not understand that although YOU couldn't remain married to her father, it was appropriate for her to be loving to BOTH of her parents. She may be 34, but she is very immature. Both of my daughters are in their 30s and they are extremely immature as well. I almost died last year - while I was in the hospital, the doctors said that I was within 24 hours of dying. My neighbors called for the ambulance, and once they learned what had happened to me they called my family, including my daughters. Both of my girls let them know that they could care less. One child lived in another state and the other lived 4 hours away, but she wasn't about to come to my bedside. I was in the cardiac ward because my heart slowed down drastically. I wasn't even 60 yet, but I have a health condition that has made things touch and go several times in my life, but my daughters have never cared. One daughter had a friend of hers who I have never met post vicious lies about me on Facebook. My friends defended me and were horrified because of my condition. I then asked everyone to never contact my children again regarding my health or even when I die. If they don't care about me while I'm alive I feel that they shouldn't be notified of my passing.

The last few years have been difficult, but things became much easier when I finally quit trying to have a relationship with them. They never called me back, returned emails, nothing. You can't have a one-sided relationship even if you are her mother.

You are 70 years old! My mother is going to be 77, and I would NEVER treat her the way your daughter treats you. We have had our ups and downs, but I cherish every moment of her life and would never allow her to feel bad about anything. Even during times when she tells me she was a bad mother, I do not allow her to say that as I forgive her for anything in the past. In order to have a good relationship, you must never hold a grudge, and your daughter shows that she simply doesn't want a good relationship. God bless you. You shouldn't be alone at 70 years of age!

My step-daughter is estranged of us. She joined us full time when she was 7 after her mother died in an auto accident. It was rocky from the start as her maternal grandparents, with whom she and her mother had lived, perpetuated the idea that she was "ripped from the family who loved her and made to live with people she didn't know." Up until then, my husband had spent a week with her every month to be sure he was a part of her life. After she came to live with us, my mother passed away and I began drinking heavily and because of my addiction and my own family issues was not able to be the mother she needed and my husband is not a nurturing person and has a deep seated dislike of the grandparents which he took out on his daughter. Needless to say, in high school she began hanging out with kids who did drugs and had dropped out of high school. I didn't bother to get to know them or their parents. In her sophomore year I got sober and we slowly began to build a more positive, loving relationship. I was amazed by how much I truly cared for her. She continued to be a good student and in her senior year it all came to a head when she got pregnant. Her father could not deal with the situation and what relationship the had completely disintegrated. I keep trying to convince them that we could use the experience to grow stronger as a family. While I was out of the country on a trip they had a huge fight and she left to live with her unacceptable boyfriend. When I returned a week later, we gave her the choice of coming home or going to her grandmother's. She chose the latter. In hindsight, I think she may have known she needed to change her friends but felt trapped and wanted to save face. By leaving, she was able to do that. Over the next few months, fueled by her grandmother's anger at us, communication dwindled to the point that she refused to give us tickets for graduation. Thankfully, she is in college - paid for by a settlement from her mother's death. Two years have passed. I send cards on special occasions and periodic letters with news of the family. She has not responded to me but has reached out to her half-sister, my daughter. My husband is still angry and hurt and unable to forgive and has given me his blessing to pursue my relationship with her. I am afraid she cannot separate us yet and I'm hoping she will eventually. I know it will take time and it is uncomfortable being vulnerable and reaching out over and over and receiving nothing in return. I have offered a sincere and humble apology and taken responsibility for my part. I pray for serenity, courage, and knowledge - and I have hope. Good luck to us all!

i too am the parent of a estranged adult child, in all my moments raising her, did I ever think that this would be my fate and horrible burden to carry around, I wear the pain loss and sadness and grieving everyday, and every hour. It is a strange loss to cope with, you hope for her happiness and success but no longer even know her.
I am trying now the tough love approach, I get emotionally drained from trying to contact her and then wait for the No response, wanting to throw my phone away, silencing it hoping when I look at it next, she would have had a change of heart, and answered. The resason for the the estrangement? She was in physical and emoitional abusive relationships for 5 years, we were always supportive and tried to help. NOw her life is at a standstill as far as growing as a productive and self supportuing adult
and she knows we feel she has to try to stand on her own, we praise her and try to build up her confidence. I feel she know inside that she has to get things together, but if she hides her self away and shares nothing, we don't know what is going on.
BUt her hiding out, is a big red flag even though she cant see that.....I love her, would die for her, and want her to be happy and able to take care of herself. but miss her every moment, and wonder how she can ever have success relationships since she shuns her parents, who are the 2 people in the world who love her the most.

All the professionals; (therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists , DR.s all say to use the tough love. Well here it is Christmas 2013, and my husband tried an e-mail one more time. We are not going to send all of our granddaughters gifts 5 miles. We told our daughter, we need to see our 9 yr old grandchild. No answer. How does one do Tough Love when we are talking our children and grandchildren. We get close to trying for quite awhile and then....
The worst thing of all is where does our 9 yr granddaughter think we are or what happened to us?

Weirdly, I feel better knowing I'm not the only one out there dealing with this. I sure empathize with everyone. Most of you seem to have a real circumstance, I do wonder if it isn't my daughter's girlfriend that is the real issue but I feel like that's unfair. I have to believe that for whatever reason, my daughter has made her own decision to make me nothing in her life. I admit to moments of thinking that I wasted my time being the perfect at home mom now that I'm single and underemployed. She sure seemed to like me when I had money. That is wallowing however and pointless so now I am trying to figure out how to fill up the hole that is left.

Go on full steam ahead your circumstances sounds very familiar, yes, as long as we were working bringing in the money and paying for everything things were ok..... Well I have to get hard and get living for me and this is what we have to do in order to go on living happily. Give it to god ask him to take care if this for you and get some happiness

I am also in this painful situation. ..since july this year
Four months feels like four years.
Its a pain no one can understand unless you're in
The same situation. My emotions are driving me crazy
I hope we all find some inner peace...Regards to you all.

The first year is the worst because my kids were young when it started (a custody battle their dad started re 3 of our 4 sons to avoid child support). People would tell me things would better when the 3 I lost grew up and that they would never lose their love for me but it didn't help ease the pain. They were right--2 of the 3 I lost for 5 yrs. came back but 11 years later, it's the one who didn't that breaks my heart. Just try to make a life for yourself so the child has a home to return to.

Hello,
I am sorry about your situation. I too am a mother of a son who got married two and half years ago and is angling for an estrangement because his wife is extremely difficult to deal with. For the past two and a half years, he has not been at our family dinners for the Jewish Holidays and this is because his wife claims she hates my cooking even though I really cook well and have for over 25 years. She claims that my house smells when I cook and she also does not like my husband. We do not interfere with their lives and are fairly gentle loving people. My son did not stop this behaviour of hers from the start and believes he needs to be loyal to her and abandon us. Now they have a beautiful baby girl who we have very limited visitation and my husband is not allowed to hold the baby because in her twisted mind, she thinks my husband is a poor influence. If we do not do exactly what she expects, she cuts us off completely and has written us horrible emails letting us know that we will not be trusted to baby sit and that my husband does not deserve to be a grandfather. My husband and I have gone for counseling to cope with the situation. There is also a doctor that we keep in touch with from San Francisco Dr. Josh Coleman who specializes in this. We have used his strategies and although they helped for a short time, my son's wife finds something else to get upset about and verbally abused my husband. We decided to write a letter to my son expressing our feelings but not saying anything derogatory about his wife. However we let him clearly know that we are not putting up with this abuse. We told him that we want to be active grandparents and have a lot of love to give.
We also have given gifts for the baby but we are expected to have gift receipts in case she does not like the gifts.
I too am looking for support.
You can call me Ronnie and email me anytime. It is painful and you are really in a bad position because I at least have some contact with my son. You can find Dr. Coleman on the website. He also conducts telephone conferences on various topics. Life is too short for this .

I am sorry to see so many women in the same boat I am in. It is baffling. My daughter has always been estranged and it started when my very manipulative MIL began showing her with very expensive gifts as a young child, calling her frequently when I was not home and telling her I was "nosey" and not to share their conversations. My then ,husband, would not man up and tell her to stop calling inappropriately or discuss any gifts she wanted to give for appropriateness ( one was a trip to Mexico at 16). I was always the "bad guy" for approaching her nicely many times about this.

Needless to say, I made a big mistake marrying her son, who was just as manipulative and controlling as his mother. My daughter and son were loved conditionally; if he got something out of giving them attention. He too started with the showering with gifts and would not discuss with me first.There were not too many times he and I were on the same page in how to raise our kids. My family was bashed continually and if I were to contact them or they came by to see me I got the cold treatment, yet his family was given loads of attention.

After my son graduated, he left home immediately to get away from his Dad. I stayed close with him even though he would not see his Dad. I returned to school and worked fulltime to finally complete a degree I had set as a goal many years before. During this school period, my husband had multiple affairs. When I discovered them, he l lied about them, telling our adult children I had a "breakdown and it must be related to menopause". I left the state, got a contracted job for 6 months and tried to regroup and figure out how to move on. Seeing the house of cards fall and realize my husband was not remorseful was difficult. I survived and worked but had to give up the school. I was hit, for a period of a few weeks, with severe depression and when my son would call I would burst into tears and tell him I felt like I had no reason to live. I was not suicidal but in shock, far away and without much support.

I regret that so much now, placing him in a terrible position and wish I could take back the fear it caused him. Long story short, my daughter started calling wanting to know if I was in contact with her brother. Apparently the MIL heard through my daughter of my distraught period and took full advantage of my son's sadness and got him to therapy where he was told I was way out of line and he should cut out contact.

The divorce granted me 50% of all monies accumulated and this did not go over well with my ex. In the divorce proceedings my daughter wrote a nasty report into record of how I was a terrible mother and she would never speak to me again until I returned "every penny" of her Dads money. I got an e-mail from my son several weeks after the divorce stating verbatim that he would cut me off till I gave their Dad back "every penny". Neither will believe their Dad was unfaithful nor that I deserve 50% of what I worked for .....

This was 3+ years ago and I have had the phone slammed in my ear, e-mails and Facebook blocked, a son married and a grand-daughters' birth occur but I am not allowed to be part of any of this. They both stated that because of me they now have to "take care of their Dad" he will not work and blames me for that...it's so bizarre I can laugh now but my grown kids are so enmeshed, to them, it seems to make sense to them. I pray they will get to the truth and it's on God's time not mine.

I have since gone back to finish the degree, try to be grateful for surviving and pray daily for my children, the MIL and the ex. I used to send cards for birthdays and holidays but when their Grandfather ( my Dad died last year) and they did not even acknowledge his death. After that, I decided that although their father/ MIL have a great deal of control, I taught them right from wrong, loved them unconditionally and will always love them but must now heal and take care of my health. They are adults now. I will not try to continue reaching out any longer. It hurts to the core but life is not fair for many. I try to help others who are hurting in different ways and stay close to my sisters.

To those of you in my boat, my heart goes out to you, I know the pain but also know we have lives we must develop, a purpose, even though it's hard to see at first and we are deserving of respect and love. Try to forgive and take care of yourselves. You all have a purpose beyond being mothers. You will survive. Thank-you, Atshemi, for staring this support blog. It is helpful to see we are not alone in this estrangement from our children.
I

I am so very sorry and surprised that many of us Mothers are being subjected to the pain and abandonment of what were supposed to be our loving children. I have two Sons they are early and middle forties. For over 20 years I was a juggler trying to make them happy by giving money paying rent bills even financing an Automobile from the Auto Dealer. As soon as it was driven off of the lot my oldest son turned into the snake that he must have always been and failed to pay one Car note. I was stuck paying the note and insurance. My son hid the car from me so I couldn't turn it in and finally I found the car and snatched it. I had to call the Police on him because I was afraid he would beat me up.....That has happened twice before. My Youngest Son got on Drugs and stayed on the Crack for over 15 years...The horrible things I went through with him would take 10 years to tell you. The theft the lies I even lost my Home trying to save him from Jail. I have moved to another City and the youngest has followed me here and I now plan to ignore him like a stranger and live my Life. I hope things get better for you too. God Bless

While all the responses have a similar note - your attitude was helpful - not to put any other response down. There is the same flavor to all. I was curious if all the responses would be women - and it seems they are. Maybe that is because women care more about/or admit caring about the relationship with their children. My husband has the same (or similar - for maybe different (on the surface) reasons. It almost seems like women can do no right in parenting.

I know I made mistakes - but few of us are perfect - and many people have disrupted lives due to divorce, etc.

Your saying: life is not fair - is true - we can't expect what we want. And it is also true that we must have a purpose beyond being mothers. Maybe we are too wrapped up in owning our role.

This doesn't take away from feeling like a death has taken place - but I do know other women who have really lost a child - and they have found a way to go on living. It really IS God's time - not ours. Thank you for sharing.Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

atshemi, Find happiness, hope, love and fullfillment in an additional source. Do not wait for her to make you happy. It is sadly, your job and mine to find that fullfillment. Work on you. Work on being happy and fullfilled. Then if she does not reconsile with you, you are still happy and fullfilled. Happiness attacts happiness. Go back to your 20s and 30s. What did you love and want to do? Do it now. Strive for it. Work hard and tirelessly for it. When you arrive, she may be there with you. Our children are not responsible for our middle and late year happiness. We are. Find it.

I have been estranged from my daughter for over 7 years.I feel a pain and aching that i wasn't aware existed. I have signed myself into a "hospital", been on many drugs, weekly therapy-sometimes twice/week. Sometimes I think I will just die with no effort on my part. And sometimes, I wish I would. My daughter's now husband, sexually abused her sister (15at the time, he was 21). he then sexually harassed her for TWO years, asking her to show him her breasts. Oldest daughter reacted by saying"mom, no one else will ever have me". That's when I knew he had been emotionally abusing her. She stayed w/him and has 2 children w/him. She has cut all ties with her sister, father, step-brother and myself. We were told 7 years ago either pretend by'just making the best of it' or there will be no relationship. My youngest daughter was abused, I would never turn a blind eye to that. Oldest daughter will not/can not admit to the emotional abuse she must endure, not only from him but also from his mother and sister.
I love and miss my daughter so deeply

An almost identical story as mine.
the pain is horrific, no real logical reason given....!
How do you cope?? especially when mother and son were very close.
Could my son have undergone" help"by a hypnotherapist.?
Otherwise ,could we,his parents,agree to meet,explain arguments and iron out differences.How could our son literally reject us? We have done nothing but support him at difficult times.We have always praised him when he shared good news with us.He was always so affectionate towards me as his mother and towards his father,my husband too. I find it unbearable and very sad to imagine that his behaviour is FINAL ?! I suffer physical intolerable pain due to this estrangement from our one and only child ! He is all we ever devoted our lives for.
All we ask for is contact to be renewd and an expression of love and consideration to be shared and reciprocated by us and our son.

I am too. Need to talk to someone who knows what this is. Please help. Beth

Hi Beth my name is Denise and it hurts doesn't it? Turn it around Beth you are worthy and you are loved I am here Beth and as you can see your not alobe

I am the mother of a 30 year old daughter who married a German and she will not answer her very close family's letters, e-mails and has virtually disappeared. She is an intellectual but the story is book worthy. After 5 years of no communication, I cannot stand this treatment and I will be visiting the town in September. This is very unusual behavior of a very very close child who has just gone silent. I am 58 yers old and our family is dumb struck. We have tried communicating with friends of hers but to no avail. Let's talk. Kay

I have been dealing with this for 13 years. My daughter met a retired navy man, 26 years her senior, a very controlling man,and when they were married, they cut her dad and I out of their life.It has been terrible at times and sometimes I function quite well.I joined a Bible group 3 months ago, and when it was time for prayer, the leader mentioned my situation.He did not ask my permission. From that moment on, I have heard 10 people prayer every Tuesday for me and my daughter and I have completely lost control. I finally realized that this was a constant trigger so I have told them that I need their support, but please, pray for us in private.I am sorry it got this far, for their sakes as well as mine because I know they were doing it out of love for me.I am sure that is why i was unaware how much this was affecting me in a negative way. But, in order to live some sort of healthy life, I cannot tolerate triggers.This much I have learned about myself.

Marytje

I had a similar experience. One church associate claimed she heard my daughter discussing how she was sexually active, and when I got to the prayer mtg. I heard people praying that my daughter would stop having sex. It is amasing what some people will consider help. You need to ring this to the attention of thePastor. Not nice. Hugs.

God does not exist

Have two Grandsons from son I haven't seen and have been involved with my daughters two kids until last week,She has been trying to fight with me on and off about the stupid stuff and this is a result from having to tell our son he can't come back until he changes his ways...I guess she didn't agree so since Jan of this year been non stop bitching,and fighting

I hear you...Have two adult children who are estranged...It has been so devasting,hurtful and many tears have flowed

"Pain is inevitable, misery is optional". I stopped self inflicting emotional wounds regarding my relationship or lack there of with my two adult daughters. Instead I am grateful for the wonderful relationship I have with my son. Put all of your thought and energy into what you want and put no thought or energy into what you do not want.
Forgiveness is a powerful thing, for me forgiveness is giving up the notion that things could have happened differently and when you understand how hard it is to change yourself you begin to understand what little chance we have of changing others.
And a gem from a former first lady Eleanor Roosevelt "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent".
Sending love and peace to all who wish to receive.
Dora

What if you don't have someone to go to and put all your energy into them.?

I am with you Dora,
My youngest daughter is almost 24 with a 4 year old child, she would not work, she lied all the time to me, she stole from me and when I finally put my foot down and said no more, she refused to act like I was alive, we have been "here" many times in the last 3 years. Last month she stole at least $800 from me so I decided it is time to let her grow up, and wow, it hurts like all get out. I have cried buckets of tears and I now must move on with my life. I have 3 adult daughters, one did this until she was 30, my life is better without her. My middle daughter "Amy" is my one true gift from God, as her sisters point out she is perfect, while she is not perfect, she does show me the love and respect all parents that did not neglect or abuse their children deserve. I gave my all to raising my children until they were 25, I did without much so they could have plenty, I think I spoiled them and that is something they have to just get over without me. I plan on not letting them ruin my life, after all, I know I did my best.

Typo: my daughter is almost 25.

I would search you heart and soul for things you enjoyed before you ever had children. I myself enjoyed bike riding, kyacking, camping, walking, reading, woodworking, making stained glass and craft. I am 57, many of these things I gave up to raise my children, I have renewed my love of ALL of them, I cry for 5 minutes almost everyday and then I make myself go do anything to get my mind off from it. An idle mind allows your self conscious to dwell on your problems, but a busy mind does not have time for such nonsense.

1 More Response

Hi, I've been reading everyone's stories with interest and sadness. I'm actually trying to find a UK woman who's estranged from her daughter for a Mother's Day piece I'm writing for a Saturday broadsheet. If anybody would be interested in going public with their experience, I would very much like to hear from you.

I am English living in the USA. Did you want someone living in the UK - it wasn't clear to me

Hi, sorry for not being clear - I need the woman to be based in the UK. Thanks for your interest.

Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

Hi, I am interested to know if you finally wrote your piece about estranged mothers . could you send me the link if it was finally published? my estranged daughter lives in England, and I am English, and read UK newspapers. This subject is pertinent to and i would be interested in your findings.
Thanks

Hello Atshemi. My 40 year old daughter refuses to speak to me or accept any form of communication because I got upset with her one day due to her self neglect and addiction to prescribed pain killers. I am heartbroken and feeling misunderstood and powerless. I am open to supporting others and accepting much needed support for myself.

Regards Christina

Learn to let go ..painful yes ..but in you and your daughters interest .
Make your bounderies clear be tough i know you love her but her issues must be addressed and while shes not listening and being angry ...walk away...like the naughty step...your always in the background ..good luck and much peace x

walk into a supermarket...today there is too much choice and my friends it dosent stop there . familys used to stick together or starve ...thats gone ...xxxx so has any respect for or the meaning of MOTHER

I understand! It boggles my mind how a child (adult) can treat their mother with such lack of respect! However, it has been predicted that this kind of thing will be happening all over the world, as it is displayed in this very web-site! Right? I am feeling sad for all of us here. Look up Matthew 10:21! "Children will rise up against parents and cause them to be put to death". However painful but predicted! This is no surprise that this is coming to pass. All they need is an excuse to behave in this selfish and self centered evil fashion. I have always believed that what goes around, eventually comes around. Hugs to you and to all! Hang in there. Nothing goes without notice from the Almighty. Have faith that things will change! God Bless You.........

I feel your pain. My 24 year old son, a US Marine officer, is in the process of shunning my family and me. The behavior is escalating, and I am at my wit's end. His father and I divorced when he was 5 years old, but remained united, for the most part, in raising our only child, however my ex is extremely passive aggressive, and left all the disciplining, serious talks, unpleasant parenting tasks, to me, ie; if I grounded my son from the car for coming home after curfew, the punishment would not be carried over to his father's home. My son's father is also wealthy, which I am not. My son is very much like his father in that he is a right-wing, religious conservative, both politically and socially, which is very different from my view. My son also seems to be misogynistic and dismissive of female accomplishments, which is unlike his father. Even though he has chosen a military career and a lifestyle that I don't understand on many levels, I support him and have told him how proud I am of his accomplishments. I adore my son and have always told him and shown him this in every way possible. He tells me that he loves me, but his behavior is hard to reconcile. He comes in town and stays with his father and family, visits with that side of the family, but doesn't even tell me he is in town. This has happened twice. After not having seen him since last March, he decided to spend a few hours on Christmas Eve with my family and me, but behaved so rudely (refused to hug anyone, kept his coat on the entire time, never cracked a smile and gave the whole family one gift to share: a book entitled, "Being a Marine Corps Officer".) that by the time he left, everyone was almost in tears, including my mom, his 86 year old grandmother. I have asked him repeatedly if is there is any reason that he is becoming so estranged and he says, "NO", yet the behavior is getting worse! He has been in town for 10 days (staying with his dad), is leaving tomorrow, and won't be home till some time next year. I don't know what do and I'm feeling confused, helpless,hopeless and sick, at this point.

I do understand where you are coming from. When my son was young we had a great relationship but after he left home and married, he never saw us, never called us, showed no interest in his dad and me at all. His wife invites us for the holidays but he is like a stranger to me. It is hard to believe I gave birth to him. He has now decided to dump us completely and stick with his in-laws! Hope that works out for him. I never see my 3 grandkids either and they all live faily close by! You can choose your friends but you cannot choose your family. So true.

my hearts with you all...the pain is overwhelming...but my take on this is like all relationships some people are prepared to put the work in some just arnt...some people skip from relationship to relationship without a thought to the broken familys or responsabilitys they leave behind and some kids think its ok to bin there parents...the fact you risked your own life and wellbeing for them to draw there first breath means nothing the self sacrifice from mother to child is the most wonderful aspect of all life truely amazing....
God bless you all

I am the mother of a 35year old son my only child I. I have 2 grandsons that I have never seen. This happened all over family gossip my heart aches. It is 4years. My husband died when my son was 7 . I'm sick over it. I feel for you. Patty

Please flag post made by women like ELLEN. Most parents suffering the loss of their kids through divorce are already in enormous amounts of pain and depression.

Because the experience is about the person writing about their situation in an already horrible time. No one needs to come here at the end of their rope and read **** like yours to ush them over the edge. YOU are the pain in the ***, ELLEN

Says here " Please respond with authenticity, support, and respect" But how about if I just want to respond honestly? I just got kicked off one site because I said some of the moms were a big pain in the *** and deserved what they got.

There is a special place for people who rub salt in the wounds of others. You need to be sent there. Nobody wants to read your hatred

You are so correct. I'm in my mid twenties see the bullshit in each and every one of these posts.

Stupid.. people on here think "God" will fix their issues. How can something that doesn't exist fix an issue? Oh yeah, brainwashing.

I am a single mother of a newly turned 18-year-old daughter. She is the love and light of my life. She has been in the gifted program since the second grade and I have always preached the value of education at home. I am completing my doctoral studies now but for the past eight years I have been an editor, writer and reporter for the news.
My daughter never liked the fact that I had to balance so many jobs at one time-I now see that I was working all of the time although she was home most of the time-I was typing away...
About a year ago...crisis happened and the bottom fell out of our lives. My mother passed away and instead of dealing with it in a brave manner...I resorted to abusing pain killers. I used the excuse of my old knee pain and doctor prescribed medication to justify it...I was so addicted that I called in my prescription early and was arrested.
The Lord blessed me and I do not have a criminal record and it is behind me but my daughter has not wanted to move back home since the event happened.
She has been living with my sister nearby-but my sisters and my daughter all abandoned me during the worst time of my life.
For the past year I have been to therapy and reflected on my life...I can now say that my life is manageable and no longer overrun with workaholic living and addiction.
How do I get through to my daughter who has been living with me her entire life and does not want to talk to me?
I send gifts, letters, flowers, texts, emails and anything else you could think of to get through....
I am at my wits end and do not know how to communicate - how to mend the broken hearts-how to show her that she can trust me as her mother.

I felt so relieved reading all the blogs above that I'm not the only one in this situation. I really agree that we have tried to be the best parents in every way that we know of but somehow when our children are grown adults, something happens and they forget what we have done for them. In my case, my husband's culture had a lot to do with alienating our first daughter who does not live with us anymore, and now our youngest daughter who shows no respect at all but still lives with us. I'm in the middle of all our arguments because I'm more lenient that my husband. Lately though I've gotten tired of the whole thing. I've lost my job due to these problems about 8 months ago and for the first time in my career have no desire to work again, although we need the money badly. I guess I'm heading towards depression. However, lately I've started to agree with my husband because my two daughters are crossing the line. My husband is now at a point where he says "he's done"....he doesn't care anymore. He could care less about them anymore because of the disappoints he has been getting from his daughters. Anyways, I'm praying and wishing something changes and I have to change my outlook in life and be more positive really for myself and my husband. I have come to realize that they are grown now and can have their own life.

God Bless everyone for their suffering and hope that everyone's situation changes for the best....

Trying to be optimistic about the future.....

I have the reverse situation. I am an adult child who is estranged from my parents. I tried to reach out, but they refuse to have any further relations with me. They are extremely toxic but I wanted to do the right thing by contacting them and was rejected. I would like to find a support group for adult children with this problem. I wish my parents felt the way you do.

I'm in the same situation as you. I've been trying to find a group for adult children and haven't found a single one yet. I wanted to ask if you have found a group yet. Thanks.

My solution is to adopt adult kids like you who want a relationship! I have all this love that I want to share and I desperately want to be included as a real live family member. I keep thinking maybe I should run an ad "superfluous mom needs new child" :)

I was trying to find a group which has a forum, my daughter stopped talking to us in 2009 also, Hmmm was that the year for the world to change these young people? She had a baby march of that year. We have two boys who are older in their 30's now and have involved us a great deal with their children. Had they not, I think I would have been in a place by now.
We were so close with her. So we thought. She won't tell us why she is so mad and won't have anything to do with us. But I needed to find a group to try to find some support from others who have gone through this also or maybe who's adult child is now talking to them again. As I am sure we all have a long story. We've had a fairly normal family life. Have been active in church and tried to be a good parent, but as anyone knows there is no perfect parent. As our daughter will find out when her only child is a teenager and young adult. We do feel there has been some lying involved, I tried to call, I left messages of love and missing her. Our grandson who will be four in March doesn't know who we are. I do believe there is emotional problems that she will not counsel for. She has told a family member that she has counseled, but the counselor told her to stay away from us. We are a Christian family, who try to be there for each other when in need. We do not say no to babysitting the other grandkids. Due to fear of this happening with our sons and their wives. Our one son said it would never happen with them, I said we never thought it would happen with our daughter. We have three other grandkids. She knows how much we love them and spoil them with love. I cannot put myself into situations anymore where she is, she won't talk or even say hi. I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown or maybe it's happened. I have tried. But now I have to let go, She is very prideful and stubborn, she has to be in control of things. She recently had surgery made the choice of going home the same day, and is paying for it now with fighting infection off, had two other sugeries. I took two meals, went to see her in the hospital, called. She did send a thank you note signed it love. But will not talk to us unless we say something first. I believe how she was living her life is playing into this. But I just can't handle being treated like this anymore. I emailed my pastor to ask if I can use the fellowship hall for a group meeting for parents who are also going through what I am. I just feel there needs to be a physical group in our area to meet with for comfort and support. I want to try to find a counselor to come and have speakers for encouragment. I don't know if anyone else has tried to get a support group together or not, if you do please let me know. I live in PA. Our daughter did not have a bad childhood. And after she married we tried to be there if she needed us. her husband wasn't a handy man so my husband was always willing to go help his daughter. We would talk most every day, not every day. We would have lunch at her house after I was done working some weeks. She would come over for breakfast Saturdays, her husband had to work, Her dad made breakfast for us. As we all know none of us are perfect, but she won't even give me a the respect of telling me why. A family member said to me, don't worry about why, it's in the past, I am sorry I can't go on without knowing why. But it hasn't stopped me from trying to keep in contact with her. But I have had enough. The bible states to honor they parents. If we would have been abusers, or verbally abusive, and tried to hurt her physically, there would be every reason to shut us out.
I will read the other posts, I hope I can find some encouragement in some of them.
Deb

Recently, I caught my adult daughter lying about me. I'm not sure what she said, but often, she has tried to turn my friends against me. I made a friend in the small town my daughter lives in, and for no reason at all, this friend stopped talking to me. Finally, I confronted her and drew boundaries. I will not live the rest of my life compensating for her childhood, which was totally dysfunctional. I was 20 when I had her, and no family to lean on for support. I had to grow up, and had no idea how. Consequently, she suffered. I researched her behavior and found she had an attachment disorder, but the treatment for it was very expensive. I am proud of my daughter in most ways. She is married to a very good man and is a stay at home mom. Her son seems to be mentally and emotionally stable. I believe she broke the abusive cycle, and for that, I am happy. I also have a younger daughter, but I was much more affectionate and loving toward her because by that time, I had grown up some. We have a very close relationship, and I wish I had the same with my older daughter. I'm positive we didn't bond like we should have. As she was growing up, I was the target of her anger and she often tried to make me look bad to teachers, my friends, and other adults. She is still at it.
It really hurts not to be able to have a relationship with her and be a grandma, but I just can't take it any longer. She acts as if she loves me, but behind my back, it is obvious she does not love me. When I confronted her, she became very angry and said I was crazy and needed help. She hit the below the belt more than I would like to admit. Her anger told me she isn't over her childhood as much as she claims.
I mourn her childhood, but what can I do? The past is the past, and it can't be changed. As bad as I feel about her childhood, I cannot tolerate the lying. I just don't know what to do.

I too have an adult son, 26 years old to which I am estranged.I divorced his father after a 25 year marriage,because he was just a hateful drug abuser.I dont think he blames me, because he knew what he was.my son was 21 years old and living at home with his dad.Do I blame myself..yes.But I have come to the point afte meeting a wonderful man, that with or without my son in my life...it goes on.Now I have a beautiful home,and I am happy for the first time in my entire life.I wish he could be happy for me too.

My father physically and verbally abused me and threw me out of the house, my mother just let the abuse happen and drank. That was 20 years ago. Every time I had ever tried to fix things I was met with denial, excuses, religious zealotry, insults, name-calling and even more garbage. I cut contact with them when I had had enough after twenty years. Any parent out there who can't EVER accept that they have hurt their kid shouldn't be surprised when one day the kid stands up and says I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.

I. Have been trying to be a part of my daughters life since she was born 33 years ago when I was 16 her mother used her as a weapon and drove me to the point were I tried to take my own life when I saw my daughter for the first and last time when she was 24 she said she didn't want a relationship with me cos she didn't want to hurt her step dad's feelings. She now has 2 children whom I have never seen. I think about her first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I can empithise with every one who has posted on this site and hope that one day your pain stops

puzzledmother<br />
I am in the same situation my daughter has not spoken to me for 5years and my son only rings when he is trying to find out information about his brother whom he does not speak to. Thank goodness his brother and I are very close and he is a wonderful son,just gave me a 4wheel drive ute. Apart from this we tend to focus on our children that wont have anything to do with us but they forget that one day the grandchildren will grow up then we will be able to then contact the grandchildren. Thats what I am hanging out for I am now not interested in having a relationship with my daughter as trust has gone out of the window. Best of luck to everyone but stop blaming yourself live your life and be happy show them we can still enjoy life

amen sister!

Woooohoooooooooooooooo...Amen and Amen some more! Do the happy dance and know that GOD and HIS angels ARE with each of us and to the children who have broken the commandment to Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother...there ARE consequences. They are NOT in control, someone else is and they are all in for a rude awakening because HE will deal with each of them in the appropriate manner. Put your TRUST in GOD and move forward with your life, even through those days there will be emotional sadness, and remember....GOD LOVES YOU and HE will never disown you! :)♥

I just wanted to add one thing. I think partly it is a new generation because so many people say they would never disrespect their parents the way some of our children are now doing. My mother was at times a bit out of control and did some things that hurt me, but I still loved her and would never treat her the way my two girls are treating me. I was there for her and I do not regret it at all.

I agree with you-----it is a new generation. My mother was a wonderful mother. I was always clean, well clothed, fed, etc. She too had her ways. She was very possessive and wanted to be the center of our attention. If she'd call me on the telephone and the line was busy, it was because I was talking about her to my sister or one of my friends (a neighbor) who was about her age..Now that I am older, I look back and feel bad for her, as I realize she was alone, sickly and had no one else that was close to her beside her kids. No matter how mad she made me, and sometime we had some big arguments and didn't talk for weeks, I never ever would have shut her out or estranged myself from her. We always mended our differences and would go on for along time without a problem. Though my mother had her ways, spanked me when I was a child, dug her fingernails into me, etc., the good outweighed the bad. She took me all over to zoos, museums, amusement parks, movies, carnivals etc. and we always had a lot of fun. We would take long walks, stop and talk with neighbors, and so many other fun things. Those are the things I remember. I choose not to dwell on the negative, as like I said, in other words, there was much more positive. I would not want another mother-----God rest her soul! I miss her! If she knew what my son was doing and how much he is hurting me, it would have broken her heart. So I understand just what you are saying. Our mother's were lucky to have daughter's like us and we were lucky to have them. Too bad our children don't have respect for us! I'm sorry for your pain. You are not alone. Mine son is estranged from me for one year, four months and twelve days. I have a two year old precious grandson, whom I haven't seen since he was about 8 months old. My heart is broken and my body is falling apart. I am not well either, so this is life.....

Being estranged from your children is like mourning their death. It is so very painful. My first born child (a daughter) did not get along with my husband after divorcing her father. I will say, my husband was more to blame for this than she was. However, I feel that I did not support her enough at times because I was afraid my interference would only make things worse. I regret how I handled the differences between her and my husband. She is also gay, but I never let that bother me. She had two children by artificial insemination and I truly wanted to love them. Her partner at the time also had children and I made the mistake of not treating them the same as my blood grandchildren. Thus, she stopped having anything to do with me. She never even came to see my Dad before he died, or my Mother who suffered with lung cancer and died. It has been aproximately 8 years. My second daughter and I were very close. She was always there and very caring. My marriage was not very happy and she made a point of trying to include me with her and her husband to give me some happiness. Then she had her first child and I agreed to babysit full time. After the birth of her second child, I also agreed to babysit them both. I had them for 8 years and 5 for the youngest. She became involved with her sister-in-law and her husband who plays in a band. There was a lot of drinking and partying and I believe infidelity on her part. She turned away from me also. She also took the boys away from me and I grieved for a year. She eventually got into a huge fight with this sister-in-law and for 6 months she stayed away from the bars and began to renew our relationship to a point. She did not want to be around me much but used me as her babysitter and I did it just to be close to the boys. Then she made up with her drinking friends and began to live that lifestyle again. I told her I would not watch the boys while she was out with her sister-in-law and back in the bars again. This made her very angry and she has not talked to me for three days and will not allow me to talk or see the boys. I feel this will become permanent as long as she is involved with this bar crowd. I do have one bright spot in my life and it is probably what is keeping me from going off the deep end. I have a son, who is the light of my life. He lives with his girlfriend and she is a good person. She and my son give me time to be with them and it is especially dear because they are younger and at an age when they are more prone to spending time alone. I don't know how you can raise your children and love them so deeply and have them not even care about you. My children have been my life, but now I only have the one son that is my saving grace in this cruel world. I hope that all of us can find some peace and closure. It is so very hard.......

I too am left with one son. My youngest has disowned me. But I did research and now know his behavior is selfish and arrogant and typical of someone with a drinking problem. He's been arrest for dui twice within the last two years. Has went through a divorce and is living the musician lifestyle, while holding down another job. He has made bad choices in his life and just WON'T learn from them or listen to anyone who tries to intervene about his drinking. And yes, he has called me some nasty hurtful names all because I suggested to him that I wish he would not drink so much and of course, that only made him madder, which is also typical of someone defending their drinking lifestyle. I have also had to realize that his future is very grim if he doesn't seek help. But, I have LEARNED to LET GO and let GOD deal with him. He HATES me and I will only see him if HE comes back to me and apologizes. I made one LAST attempt at reconcilation with him and he SLAMMED the door in my face and on my heart. Disowned me AGAIN and plain told me (via text) that I am no longer a part of his life and to get the f.........g HINT! So, I am respecting his wishes and when his life continues to fall apart, if he doesn't change his ways, I will continue my prayers for him. I have LET GO and he no longer controls my feelings. I truly feel sorry for him, yet; I am MUCH happier now and TRUST that GOD will take care of him FOR me. :)♥ "Amen"

I too am experiencing terrible pain I have a son whom is now 24 he has not spoken to me for 3 years, I have tried emailing him - to which I get angry replies, wishing me dead etc, texting - same thing and very hateful remarks if I call him. I too do not know what I have done. My other child, a little girl, was kidnapped from me by my ex husband around the same time and he refuses to let me speak to her. I blame all of this on my ex husband, he suffers from narcissim and has abused and attacked me so many times, in the end I left him and took my daughter with me ( my son was not living with us at the time). During the following divorce hearings in court it became apparent that I was going to win custody of my little Lara, that is when my ex took her away. I think about both of my children everyday and ache to see them. One day I will, I have to hold onto that hope although I am not a religious person, I do pray and I think it helps. It also helps to keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings. I have made the decision to move on with my life rather than do something silly, I have recently remarried and had another child and that side of my life is happy, I will never turn my back on my other children and will fight especially for Lara to be back in their lives. I agree with a lot of the other postings on here. I dont know WHY, if I did I know I could sleep better at night. Just be strong, and believe in Karma like I do, what goes around comes around. One day they will all come back to us.

I understand. And GOD has given me a strong heart and spirit to go on. Yes, I have bad days.....holidays, birthdays,... but I just go inside my heart and can feel the love of GOD there....comforting me. And KARMA's a REAL good lesson teacher too! It DOES exist parents. EACH of our children have consequences that they WILL go through because of what they did. It's like ... The Mother's Curse, ya know? What it REALLY is.....is karma. What goes around comes around. Someday THEY, in turn, shall know the SAME pain of being estranged/disowned by THEIR own flesh and blood. It WILL happen and they have NO clue as to what they each have wrought upon themselves by their cruel actions. They are NOT in control of any of us, like they so arrogantly believe they are. They are each in for a rude awakening by their heavenly FATHER.....and believe me, HE is the EXPERT on tough love. HE will do what is appropriate for each child who has broken HIS commandment to HONOR Thy Father and Thy Mother. That's the way HE set the world up. For every action, there is a reaction. Revenge is mine saith the Lord. So, let go and give them to GOD and let HIM deal with them in HIS own way and time. When my son told me I was DEAD to him................a month later, he was sitting in jail..got arrested for a DUI the second time within two years. NOW, he is on probation and subject to a breathalizer test at any given time and if he fails it's off to jail with him. And I had sent him an email last May 31st telling him of my concern about his drinking and how I worried he would end up in jail etc. Uh huh............and that is EXACTLY what happened. JUST like I told him, it would. He NEVER listens! And he's 37 years old!!!! And he just recently told me to get OUT of his life and I am NOT welcomed in his home etc. Gee -- I wonder what will happen to him THIS time? So -- you see -- GOD is watching and deals with our children in HIS own manner. We just have to LET GO and TRUST in HIS wisdom. "FATHER KNOWS BEST"♥

my heart goes out to those who desire a relation with your children!! my son trey is 27 who i have spoken to twice in 2.5 years, he lives in the streets of Oakland Ca.... i raised him to be Gid fearing respectful, he's smart,but woukd rather live in the streets,homeless rather than get a job, or go to school .....he drinks, does drugs. im sure he has some type of mental disorder, that has to be the reason right? Often times i ask myself where/what did i do wrong?? i divorced his mom when he was 10, yet i remarried and raised him from 10-14(the foundation years)...he luced with his mom till he was 17, he came back to live with me sr year of high school after being caught stealing radios... got him in school cool enough to get him in Howard University in washington DC... doin a good job right?, i guess not, he gets on academic orobation, evicted frim his apt, arrested for trespassing(trying to get his clothes in said apt smh), cones back to cali... live with my sisters, his mom, and my mom, i even got him 2 apts with his cousins, and they got rvicted for not paying rent!! whats a dad to do? told him @ 25 youre on your own, thinkin it would be a kick in the butt to get hus life started, but its only bern downhill ever since! i feel like such a failure, hence this post! the kicker is this, today i hot a call from his mother thinkin he is the john doe they have in the morgue today, says fits his disc<x>ription, i dont think so, but my problem with me is if it is or not i have NO feeling whatsoever, because that person IS NOT my son!! He's gone already!!

I can understand why you feel the way that you do. All ANY of us wants is to have our children to grow up and be respectable human beings and be an asset to society in general and to treat us with dignity and respect. Some kids just don't appreciate what we parents have done for them. They seem to grow up with a sense of entitlement. YOU owe me crap. NO. Doesn't work that way.
I imagine that you did ALL that you possibly could for your son, and ARE a GOOD parent. I know I sure am! Although his last text message to me, said that I am the WORST F----g parent EVER and he wants me out of his life. Typical alcoholic's response. Blames his predicament in life on everyone else and refuses to take responsibility for his actions. His friends can SEE what he is but he is in denial. Is on probation already and subject to breathalizer tests at any given moment at his home and if he fails it is off to jail! I've stated in other posts on here that I FINALLY learned to LET HIM GO and LEARN THE HARD WAY. I recently sent him a loving letter that I mailed out to him on GOOD FRIDAY along with a prayer. I opened the door and he just slammed it right in my face and broke my heart FOR THE LAST TIME. No more tears for me. I threw up my hands and said..."He's ALL yours GOD. Do what you gotta do!" And.....I KNOW that GOD will do just that. He has NO idea what is in store for him and what he has brought upon himself by dishonoring his mother who made sacrifice after sacrifice for him and who even went HOMELESS for him so he could pursue his musical dream! I have done ALL I can support him and THIS is what he does? No ------ it's over with. He's in GOD's hands now. Let's see him slam the door in HIS face! :)♥

Try 14 years - my (only child) son emailed me at work way back last century to tell me - 'I'm alive - no further communication necessary'. That was how he ended our close relationship up until that day. That's the very last I heard from him. No reason. I have no idea why he chose to cancel me (his loving mother) from his life, as he never gave me his reasons. This is one of the most difficult things to come to terms with - not knowing WHY. I have tried ever since then, too many times to count, to try to contact him either by phone, emails, cards, letters, presents, even money, but have had not ONE reply. He has totally and completely ignored me. I feel like I am non-existent/dead in his mind now. When is the pain too great to continue bearing and when is enough enough? Do I keep on hoping? This also can be too painful to bear.

SAME here. My son told me .."You are DEAD to me"..... (Hug)♥ You were a GOOD mother and GOD knows that! Unfortunately, our sons have failed to SEE that. LET go and LET GOD. It's more than difficult to do but just BELIEVE that GOD is looking after him. Everything happens for a reason in this life and it's so hard for us to understand WHY. Yet, we must hold on fast to GOD's promise to be faithful to us. Tears will cleanse your soul. Remember YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. Your son made a wrong choice and someday he will wake up and realize what he has done. Just BELEIVE...Angels Be With You..♥

It's so depressing to know I am not the only one. What has happoned to our children ? Do they think our childhood and parents were perfect?

Okay from what I get out of these posts is that there many different situations. I am a mother and yes as soon as I had my daughter I started to reflect on my childhood. I might be guilty of that but My mother harbored her feelings of adequacy. And as she stubbornly couldn't let go of these insecurities then after her manifestations I started to look at things very differently. All her divorces and boyfriends and trials and tribulations looked less sympathetic. I not saying I have been the best child but I am her child. With my daughter it's not what she doesn't give me it about what I can't give her. Knowlege and security.I know about forgiveness because I have forgiven my father for not being there or fighting for me. As a matter of a fact were friends today. She hates that. Doesn't mean I agree with his life path! But why I am here now on this blog? I would love to have the chance to forgive her for not talking to me and working out our issues like adults. She totally is disrespecting MY family as time passes. Precious time still.... I understand everyone needs time to heal. But give me a break.! I wish I was my mother. Grow up and I mean that in a good way.....

I'm so sorry, I have been dealing with the same thing. I had my son at an early age, 20. We were very poor for a few years but my son was showered with love by me, his father, my parents, and his other grandparents. He was the first grandchild on both sides and he was downright adored. His father was emotionally and mentally abusive to me but I stayed for my son. Looking back, I wish I'd left him and will always wonder if my son would have been better off. I divorced him 2 1/2 years ago and the abuse toward me in the home during that 6 month period prior to me moving out was unbearable. My son witnessed it but seemed to hold it against me. Well he seemed ok for a while when he came to love with me but then he stopped going to school or doing his homework. A few months before graduation, he decided he was done with school and refused to keep his attendance or grades in a place to enable him to graduate. That summer, I caught him dealing marijuana out of my house. I grounded him and made him spend the next month with me constantly. <br />
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This seemed to help for a bit. He said he wanted to repeat his senior year, but shortly into it, he started his antics again, not getting to school on time, not doing homework, refusing to get a job, and coming home all hours of the night. <br />
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My ex urged me to kick him out so he would go live with him and he would 'straighten him out'. So I did. That was 1 1/2 years ago and he hasn't spoken to me since. Needless to say, my ex hasn't straightened him out one bit. He is still not working, comes and goes as he pleases and is dealing marijuana. All thus while his father is a police officer. When I spoke to my ex recently about it and told him that he should not be allowing that, I got a text from my son that I am disgusting for trying to get him kicked out of there too. <br />
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I never said that to my ex, I told him to search his room and insist and ensure that it's not happening in his house. But he has helped to poison my son's mind. <br />
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Now he won't even speak to my parents.they are so hurt by it, they cry all the time. So do I. I never saw this coming. He was always such a good kid, never gave me any problems at all...until 17. I try reaching out to him all the time. I send him gifts and I hear that he enjoys them but I never get a 'thank you' or acknowledgment of any kind, I miss him so much. We always had a close loving relationship and I really miss that. His friends and even his girlfriend all tell him to make up with me but he is so stubborn and refuses. It's killing me.

Don't feel alone dear soul.My 37 year old son does the same thing towards me. I too, sent him Christmas presents, a birthday card with his birthday money like I do each year. NOTHING. No thank you....nada! So - I recently sent him a very nice and loving letter in a round about way apologizing to him if I made him mad and asked him to forgive me....(LAST MAY 31st when he disowned me and declared me DEAD and told me he never wanted to see me again.......and I thought he doesn't really mean it! I had sent an email to him telling him of my concern about him drinking as he had already got a dui..and I was told that he was an alcoholic so yeah I love him and was WORRIED that he would go to jail!).............so I would send him a text once in awhile telling him have a good day...love ya....etc. And then a friend of his contacted him who is a former alcoholic and THAT just set him off and so he sent me some very CRUEL texts and I was told that I am NOT welcome at his house and I was thee worst F.....g parent ever and take a f......g hint and just get out of his life for good!!!!......Well.....hey....like yourself...I TRIED. But after those cruel texts my GIVE A DAMN IS BUSTED!! So, I just threw up my old hands and told GOD.."He's all yours. Do what you gotta do!" I NEVER thought I would be 62 almost 63, and lose one of my children while they were alive. NEVER in my wildest dreams. So -- LET GO and LET GOD. Move forward with your life. Don't let your child ROB you of the joy that GOD wants you to have in your life and that you DESERVE!

I am an adult that has not spoken to her father in 12 years. I have tried... Sent cards and pictures of his grandchildren.,. But nothing. Some cards written by his wife...but nothing real. I am the one who grieves while wondering how a parent could do that...it hurts so much.... Especially today on fathers day. My kids don't know him and I really don't either. I do get the joy of seeing him on Facebook in pictures with his step children and their kids...I think I should just move on but being rejected hurts forever

You "parents" should ask yourself WHY. Why dont my children want anything to do with me.<br />
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The anwer is easy you are ****** parents, im sitting in the reversed situation I am a 26 year old woman, an di want NOTHING to do with my parents, the have hurt me and used me more than word can say. Nothing i EVER do is good enough, nothing my fiance ever do is good enough. My father phisicaly abused me,, and i was well in my f20's. My mother just sat there as he did this. My mother hit me with a fist thje one time coz the MAID told her i was having a sexual relationship with my boyfriend. Now you tell me, is that what you people call parenting?

Wow I couldn't agree more. My father completely fcked up my life when I was in High School, he made me so sick on a daily basis, going so long without the ability to function normally that it took my entire fcking life down. Fcking shthole incompetent idiots all have one thing to say, we just loved you and tried your best. Your best isn't good enough when your completely fcking incompetent. Fcking scumbags, there's a reason your kids hate you. You did more than just love them, you ruined their fcking lives with your incompetence you fcking idiots.

i feel for you and really wish you peace in your soul.....
All estranged children have not come from abusive homes its all walks of life for all reasons if life was that simple to place everyone in the same box we as a race would be to stupid to understand anything.
Hatered...anger..all very destructive emotions ...all you will achieve is to destroy yourself sweetheart I do hope truley you can work things out ...god bless...a mother of estranged adult kids x

I think i wouldnt put up with this behaviour from a friend why should you from a son.

sounds very draining and not much fun at all. Its easy to blame other people for things that go wrong.

unfortunately, i have so much in common with the others here. after his third freshman year of high school, i sent my son to live with his father and grandmother - 5 hours away. i had become afraid of him, and was concerned for the safety of myself as well as my younger son, who was seven at the time. now, i have not spoken to my son in nearly a year. he visited last summer, and during this time his bicycle was stolen. he accused me of stealing it myself, as a way to limit his freedom while he was in my home, and now still does not talk to me. he is constantly telling others i was an abusive parent, which is not true. he was born when i was 19 years old, and i spent my entire adult life on improving my education and our lives - for him. i am not sure what to do now - do i give up on the hope he will come around and want a relationship with his mom? it seems like it causes me unbearable pain to continue to hold out hope. he does not hold this kind of hatred toward anyone else in the family. my younger son is now 10 and talks to him daily. he idolizes him, and when i try to set limits, he responds by telling me, "this is why he doesn't like you." i feel as though my rules are quite reasonable - basically, doing homework and typical childhood chores (such as feeding a pet), and being respectful to other people. i desperately want my son to be a part of our family, but his manipulative and attention-seeking behaviors make it nearly impossible. he flies into an uncontrollable rage anytime i have tried to establish any sort of boundaries or limits with him. i guess i am not sure where i should draw the line, and walk away from the situation. he is now 18, in his 6th year of high school, despite being coined as "academically talented" during his earlier years of school, he has no job, cannot drive, and blames me for nearly everything wrong with his life. i can't help wondering where i screwed up so badly, and i fear if i do not figure it out, will my younger son take this same path? i do not want the younger one to be influenced by the impressions of the estranged older child - he is a straight A student with everything going for him, but really looks up to his older brother, believing everything he says. i fear i will look like a real jerk if i just throw in the towel and cut my losses with the older son, but i do not know what do at this point.

has anyone had a change in their situation at all since posting?

Dear God there are so many of us. I never knew there was anyone else with this problem. I'm so sorry because I too know your pain. I too am estranged from my son and because I divorced his father. He was an alcoholic and I hid it from the children for years.I think now that they are older that they know deep in their hearts that it was true. And he went through a program to stop drinking. So there was my proof, but…..here I sit estranged from my son for 4 years now. I've been estranged from my mother for years now because she's crazy. I tried to be a better mother than mine was to me. I gave them everything and did every field trip in school and baked cupcakes till I could have them coming out my ears. This is a horrible situation and what is the answer really? All I do is pray for him to come back into my life and to realize that it was something that had to happen. Bless all of you and I'm here for support if you need it.<br />
Same Boat.

I feel your pain...reading your post was like reading my own.I pray too...maybe some day...

Appreciate and sympathize with everyone on here. Can't help but think this hurt is destroying me and harming the people I love who love me in return. Our 23 yo dtr is pregnant with her 3 child to an abusive 30 yo loser boyfriend. She moved out of our home mid way senior year of high school and that's when the constant pain began. Not sure what I did to cause such hatred from her. I loved her and our other dtr as much as a mom can, their dad worked 2 and 3 jobs so that I could stay home with them and bring them up the way I was, by a loving mom 24/7. We sure didn't have money but she had everything she wanted. We paid for her to go to college for a yr and a half until one day she talked so nasty to me I couldn't take it anymore. She has moved back in with us 2 times in the last 6 mos. while filing a PFA against her bf. I became so close to our beautiful grandsons, it tears my heart every time I think of them. They loved me too and were so happy to be here with us. She was astranged for 6 mos last year also when she had called me crying because of the way her bf treated her (I thought only verbal at the time), I drove to their home and told him off in front of her and when I left she was going to kick him out. I apologized, sought counceling and did everything they asked of me to get back into their lives. When she had the PFA's against him I was the go between dropping off and picking up the boys with him. I even hugged him because he seemed sincerely sad when he had to hand them over. Everything was going along fine with me having the boys 1 or 2 days a week here to watch and his mom the other 2 or 3 they worked. I lived for those days!! My husband would not allow him at our home and this was a problem with them that was later used as an excuse for not coming over at all by our dtr. Jumped thru all kinds of hoops (me) and then I wasn't asked to watch the boys one week, two weeks, finally get a call to see if I can come over at nite on the weekend to see them. They wanted them to have a routine of only going to his mom's now. I was working (home health nurse) and driving when I found this out and called my husband sobbing. He ended up saying nasty things to our dtr and she wrote a long email telling us how terrible her home life was and how she will not waste another second on us and has no respect for us. My husband and other dtr are not nearly as upset as I and insist I move on with my life. We have a house full of toys, furniture, swingset, carseats, sandbox and so on that I have to sell and I just can't stand it. I see those wonderful little faces in all of it and smell their special smell and my heart just aches like I didn't believe possible. I wish so much my mom were here so I could talk to her about this. How I loved my mom.... Never, ever thought this would happen to me. Always put my babies first and thought they'd always love me. I was so wrong.

My 33 year old son is an addict. He went bon a binge in Oct, 2011 and I haven't heard from him since. His codependent girlfriend can't live without him. She can't live without him, takes him in until they have a brawl, she kicks him out only to take him back when he cries to her. She calls me when they have a fight crying to me about the depths of his addiction and the wrongs he's done to her. We've put up boundaries to her calls keeping them extremely short saying this is your relationship with him. When she asks if we have heard from him, we say that is our relationship with our son. We've tried emailing and phone with no response. I don't know if he is dead or alive, but I'm gaining and maintain strength from support groups and counseling. I live one day at a time and pray to my higher power. I surround myself with positive people and ask for help when I need it. I'm glad he's not living with us and pray he finds his way. Karen1026

I just recently became estranged from my son who is 20. There have been many instances of disrespect and anger in our home and this is the 3rd time in a year and a half he has been asked to leave our home because he has been drinking and got violent. Expect this time the cops were involved. I know he has to find his way and being on his own is the best thing, but my husband and I are hurting alot because we had to make him leave. I am so worried that we will never see or hear from him again and I already hate Christmas but this is going to be the worst.<br />
Anyone have any advice for me? Part of me blames myself for not being a good enough parent but I have always been there for him.

Broken, I feel fo you, my daughter is doing worst, this last week she is being worst, has hit her own father physically, and is making life he'll for all of us at home, I love her, but I can not feel close to her at all, twice this week we have driven her to the crisis center, but my husband can not make himself forced her out the car, he fears we won't see her for a long long time, and maybe never, I
I'm so confused I just don't knot what to do

My daughter has not spoke to me in two and a half years. Haven't heard my granddaughters voices. Have left voicemails inviting for djffeent reasons, months apart nowI am told if I write, text, call, that I will be arrested for harassment.I have never been arrested, can't risk it. I know my granddaughters don't think I care about their birthdays kn November and December but I do, I really do. I even gave my oldest granddaughter my Beatke card collection 3 years ago.this is so unfair. k have no brothers and sisters, my husband died in 2002. There was no fight that brought this on. She just doesn't want me in her life and has threatened me with legal action if k call. it's killing me inside. he pain is deeper in that 8 was a foster child in North Carolna after my mother moved back from Illinois. I didn't see my grandmother for 6 years. what can I do?

Dear Cathy57: there seems to be very little you can do at this stage except to get on with your own life and count your blessings. One day things may (or may not) change for the better. But remember that for many of us forgiving our parents for what seems to be their shortcomings is a very difficult task. It might take several years at least. As long as your offspring are alive and well there is hope. In the meantime what you can do is build a new life of your own and try to do something worthwhile.

My heart aches for you, but you need to take care of yourself now. My 33 year old son who is an addict stopped contacting us. His codependent girlfriend believes she can fix him and maintains contact with him. Since she is so manipulative, we put up strong boundaries with her which cut off all information from her. Since she was so ill herself, calling when SHE couldn't take it any more, we felt what she had to say was not reliable or helpful to any of us. In fact her calls to us upset us terribly even more. When her name appeared on my called ID, I dreaded it as she only called with bad news. Now I can focus on myself and try to improve my life through my higher power and support groups. It hasn't been easy, but it has been worth it. Good luck and have the serenity to know you have support. Karen1026

My daughter has not spoke to me in two and a half years. Haven't heard my granddaughters voices. Have left voicemails inviting for djffeent reasons, months apart nowI am told if I write, text, call, that I will be arrested for harassment.I have never been arrested, can't risk it. I know my granddaughters don't think I care about their birthdays kn November and December but I do, I really do. I even gave my oldest granddaughter my Beatke card collection 3 years ago.this is so unfair. k have no brothers and sisters, my husband died in 2002. There was no fight that brought this on. She just doesn't want me in her life and has threatened me with legal action if k call. it's killing me inside. he pain is deeper in that 8 was a foster child in North Carolna after my mother moved back from Illinois. I didn't see my grandmother for 6 years. what can I do?

Sighs, my situation is not exactly the same, but reading this makes me shiver as it is seem to be heading that way<br />
<br />
She was diagnosed bipolar, and have been refusing to take meds for so many years<br />
<br />
We are totally like strangers, she treats me like i'm nothing and just today after barely getting back from the hospital 2 days ago, says she wants to go and be on her own, with no feelings whatsoever<br />
<br />
I fear if she leaves, I will not see her again

Sad but true,I too belong to this unfortunate club, my only daughter has not spoken to me for a year, so I know how much this hurts, especially when you have no other children and the Holidays are upon us. Being a daughter myself I know no matter how tough my mother got I never disrespected her, got mad, yes, for about an hour, cause I loved her. I know all you who hurt and how much you hurt, did nothing to deserve this kind of treatment. Shame on this children for they really don't know how to love. I pray they get healing from our Lord. And I pray for us to find comfort in knowing that we did the best we could as parents. Our Lord loves us all and knows exactly what is going on. Stay close to him and trust in him that all will be taken care of in his time. I pray for patience for all including myself. God Bless.

When my daughter graduated from college, we did not see each other for four or five years, she<br />
never called, never contacted me at all. Even at the college graduation ceremony, once it was over I stood there alone to talk to her and she yelled over at me "I am going out with my friends", walked out the door with three other people. I watched the kids standing and talking with their families, then Iwalked away feeling pretty foolish. I told my mother when I got home (it was out of town) that she did not need me anymore. It was so true. It was only about phone calls for money during college. After that four or five year period, I remarried and she called after hearing about my marriage from my mother and wanted to visit. I was shocked and when she came by was uncomfortable. She did not want to talk with me alone, she wanted to stay with her husband and my husband instead. I though maybe when I went into the kitchen she might talk with me a little, but she did not come near me. After that visit I really never heard from her for maybe another five years, then a phone call. Mother got sick, we talked a little then. After mother died, she came to the funeral. That was eight years ago. I have never seen her since. I have called her myself several times and she is nice but brief. You can tell by the indifference and the sound of her voice she cannot stand to talk to me. She is cordial but said she is very busy. I got the message but the older I get the more it hurts. There is nothing I can say or do. The wall has been put up. My mother said the same thing and told me that she did not understand why she wanted nothing to do with any of us. My husband told me when he met her the first time that she seemed so distant he could not understand it when he could see how hard I tried to talk with her or laugh with her. I felt when she went to college she was done with us. It has been hard all these years. I am 68 years old now and I doubt I will ever see my daughter again. I hurt so bad but I must go on. How nice it would be to have a child you could talk to and would call you and treat you like you mattered. I really never knew that since she was in junior high school. She has many friends, seems to care for them very much, that is all I have really heard from her how great this one is or that one is. I know I am not very educated or rich and I am sorry for that, possibly that is something she respects. I kind of sometimes feel that way. I miss and love my parents so much and we were close, she was raised around that. I wish I knew what I did wrong so I could apologize but she does not get into deep conversations the few times I have talked with her. Everyone who has a child who talks with is so blessed. Be thankful for that.

I have a Son who will be 18 years old this month. His mother and i weren't married, in fact only dated briefly. As a boy i got to baby-sit him and loved that time. All i can do is try to speak to his Grandfather, as i know where he lives. It is very upsetting, to the point of pain, almost maddening to be excluded from his life. It just hurts to have never received a card, letter or even a phone call from him or his mother. Thanks to everyone here for sharing their grief. It helps to know others struggle with the same problem. I am still finding my spiritual path. All i can suggest to others is pray &/or keep a positive spirit.

My story is not about my own child, but my niece. There were so many dysfunctions and sicknesses going on over the years, I can't even describe them all without writing a book. Suffice it to say this child was born when I was 16. I'm now 45. She abused my children (5 years her junior), and anytime we confronted her or her parents, she was never held to blame for anything. Fast forward 20 or so years; she started having children at age 18; had two beautiful daughters. They were over at my mom & dad's house (their great-grandparents) or my sister's a lot of the time, esp since their father had a hunting accident, nearly lost his life, but did lose his leg. He got on pain pills and apparently became quite violent at times. My great niece left a message on my sister's phone, crying with her father cursing in the background. My sister called the police. After 6 and almost 9 years with these children, they were yanked from the arms of my parents and sister. When my parents tried to see them to tell them they loved them at the school, my niece came screaming out of a friend's vehicle, accusing them of trying to kidnap her children. My parents are on SS, as is my sister. But yes, she'd figured out their evil plan to kidnap them and go on the lamb... leave their homes and live off the fat of the land somewhere. Since then, my parents aren't interested in their other grandchildren or me for that matter. It has instilled such a sickness borne by broken hearts that I've ever seen. Although my niece has cut me out as well, she did speak with my son, telling him she didn't regret her decision, as my parents and her mother all abused her growing up. She forgets one thing: I was there. She was nothing but spoiled rotten. She stood in a courtroom, spewing her lies to the judge. When the judge asked if she'd let the girls go to my parents' house, she said, sometimes. He shook his head. Did she not realize she was either A) lying or B) admitting she's an "unfit mother?" The last straw was apparently when my niece's father found out she was talking to my son, he wanted to "seal the deal" so to speak. He showed up at my parents' house, threatening my father's life, and telling him to watch his back. He then turned around and concocted a story that my dad had noticed him on the walking trail near his home, and told him to stay away. This worked. My niece bought it hook, line and sinker, and now my son can't even speak with her. It's important to know that if it hadn't been for the two protective orders, my father had never been in a courtroom before. I feel so helpless to do anything but to watch them fade away due to broken hearts. I will never forgive my niece for doing all this to them; and I hold very little hope my parents would live long enough to see their great-granddaughters again. It breaks my heart too, and I have a family of my own to care for. This actually makes things worse, as my sister has recently told me that I didn't lose MY family. I beg to differ. These are my family too, my family is broken.

My story is not about my own child, but my niece. There were so many dysfunctions and sicknesses going on over the years, I can't even describe them all without writing a book. Suffice it to say this child was born when I was 16. I'm now 45. She abused my children (5 years her junior), and anytime we confronted her or her parents, she was never held to blame for anything. Fast forward 20 or so years; she started having children at age 18; had two beautiful daughters. They were over at my mom & dad's house (their great-grandparents) or my sister's a lot of the time, esp since their father had a hunting accident, nearly lost his life, but did lose his leg. He got on pain pills and apparently became quite violent at times. My great niece left a message on my sister's phone, crying with her father cursing in the background. My sister called the police. After 6 and almost 9 years with these children, they were yanked from the arms of my parents and sister. When my parents tried to see them to tell them they loved them at the school, my niece came screaming out of a friend's vehicle, accusing them of trying to kidnap her children. My parents are on SS, as is my sister. But yes, she'd figured out their evil plan to kidnap them and go on the lamb... leave their homes and live off the fat of the land somewhere. Since then, my parents aren't interested in their other grandchildren or me for that matter. It has instilled such a sickness borne by broken hearts that I've ever seen. Although my niece has cut me out as well, she did speak with my son, telling him she didn't regret her decision, as my parents and her mother all abused her growing up. She forgets one thing: I was there. She was nothing but spoiled rotten. She stood in a courtroom, spewing her lies to the judge. When the judge asked if she'd let the girls go to my parents' house, she said, sometimes. He shook his head. Did she not realize she was either A) lying or B) admitting she's an "unfit mother?" The last straw was apparently when my niece's father found out she was talking to my son, he wanted to "seal the deal" so to speak. He showed up at my parents' house, threatening my father's life, and telling him to watch his back. He then turned around and concocted a story that my dad had noticed him on the walking trail near his home, and told him to stay away. This worked. My niece bought it hook, line and sinker, and now my son can't even speak with her. It's important to know that if it hadn't been for the two protective orders, my father had never been in a courtroom before. I feel so helpless to do anything but to watch them fade away due to broken hearts. I will never forgive my niece for doing all this to them; and I hold very little hope my parents would live long enough to see their great-granddaughters again. It breaks my heart too, and I have a family of my own to care for. This actually makes things worse, as my sister has recently told me that I didn't lose MY family. I beg to differ. These are my family too, my family is broken.

As others have said, I had no idea that other parents were feeling similar emotions.<br />
<br />
My youngest daughter ran away when she was 17 - just a few days before 9/11 happened. For an entire year we didn't know whether she was dead or alive. On her 18th birthday, I got a call from her, and we spent most of the time crying. Her older sister and I have visited her once, and she visited us for a couple of days. We text once in a while, but that's it.<br />
<br />
The pain, even after almost 10 years, is staggering. I miss her so much. Many days I just want to die, but to do so would hurt my oldest daughter. I've tried prayer, fasting...but it seems as though God just isn't listening.<br />
<br />
Thank you everyone, for letting me know I am not alone in agony.

As others have said, I had no idea that other parents were feeling similar emotions.<br />
<br />
My youngest daughter ran away when she was 17 - just a few days before 9/11 happened. For an entire year we didn't know whether she was dead or alive. On her 18th birthday, I got a call from her, and we spent most of the time crying. Her older sister and I have visited her once, and she visited us for a couple of days. We text once in a while, but that's it.<br />
<br />
The pain, even after almost 10 years, is staggering. I miss her so much. Many days I just want to die, but to do so would hurt my oldest daughter. I've tried prayer, fasting...but it seems as though God just isn't listening.<br />
<br />
Thank you everyone, for letting me know I am not alone in agony.

It is so sad to read how many of us parents are going through this heartbreak stuff with our children and the lack of understanding why, my son also refuses to speak to me for 3 years now.<br />
There is a Christian DVD called "Fight Club" and its worths the fight by Andy Stanley, It gave me more understanding of the situation.<br />
If a child does not want to engage with you , let go until they have dealt with their own emotional baggage, but let them know you love them no matter what.<br />
Do not let the devil come to seek and destroy your mind and ask for God Blessings over your life and family .

Right now all I am feeling is the pain.....This has slowly been going on with my daughter for 6 years. Ever since she married. She married a great guy with a great family. I think that is part of it. We had some issues although normal things... I thought once she had her own children it would get better, she would realize what being a mother was about. It has only become worse. She now has a 4 year old and a 2 year old. No matter what I do I do wrong. And they are very small things. If it wasn't so heartbreaking it would be funny. I do not try hard enough to call the kids on birthdays and Christmas...and yet she won't answer the phone. I send gifts and yet never know if they made it. The down fall was for her four year old, I only tried twice to cal her on her birthday. So I got racked over the coals for that. For the first time I stood up to and said, "I am not taking this anymore from you." I hung up. From that she cut off all contact. We live in Northern Oregon, she lives in Southern Calif. We were down there over a month ago to see other kids and she refused us to see her or the kids even though we almost had to drive right by her house on the way home. I got a hold of a great book called When Parents Hurt. And read that once we got home...I began to let go...and to begin the full on board morning of the death of a child without the love and support of a funeral..... I wrote her one last email and ended it with if she every wanted to try counseling....I would be willing. Much to my surprise she wrote back two days later, had talked to a counselor through our church and wanted to try it. I flew (by myself to Calif, I am afraid to fly) I had to stay in a hotel. And did 5 straight days of counseling. It was horrible. The counselor was my daughter's age, not married, no children . She bought into all my daughters anger. All my daughter did was use it for a platform to tell someone else, in front of me, how horrible I was. I had no defenses knowing anything I said she would go ballistic. I sobbed the entire week. But get this...she said what a bad mother I was and she did not want me around her most precious things which were her children...and yet....Every single day after the counseling she asked if I wanted to come be with the kids....(while she ran around) Two different days I watched them all day while her and hubby went on long dates. I felt used but wanted to be with my grandchildren. In therapy the counselor gave my daughter the term "pursuer." about me. Like I was a stalker. My daughter set up boundaries that I could not talk to her, email her, or any contact. Because she wanted to make sure she got a free baby sitter during the week she told me I could have contact with the kids. When I left to come home I felt beaten up. It was horrible. I sent my granddaughter two text and then asked if we could skype with her. My daughter once again went nuts and wrote several emails and said I had broken the agreement of the boundaries and I would never seen any of them again. I have cried all week long. I have been sick and to the emergency room with kidney stones which I have never ever had. I am to the point of falling apart...........and fear I will not recover.............I miss my grandchildren...I could have endured this if I would allowed to have contact with them....My daughter knows that................My gosh, non of us is perfect we all make mistakes but I feel like I am being abused by a child who was never abused...............My heart is broken....

Right now all I am feeling is the pain.....This has slowly been going on with my daughter for 6 years. Ever since she married. She married a great guy with a great family. I think that is part of it. We had some issues although normal things... I thought once she had her own children it would get better, she would realize what being a mother was about. It has only become worse. She now has a 4 year old and a 2 year old. No matter what I do I do wrong. And they are very small things. If it wasn't so heartbreaking it would be funny. I do not try hard enough to call the kids on birthdays and Christmas...and yet she won't answer the phone. I send gifts and yet never know if they made it. The down fall was for her four year old, I only tried twice to cal her on her birthday. So I got racked over the coals for that. For the first time I stood up to and said, "I am not taking this anymore from you." I hung up. From that she cut off all contact. We live in Northern Oregon, she lives in Southern Calif. We were down there over a month ago to see other kids and she refused us to see her or the kids even though we almost had to drive right by her house on the way home. I got a hold of a great book called When Parents Hurt. And read that once we got home...I began to let go...and to begin the full on board morning of the death of a child without the love and support of a funeral..... I wrote her one last email and ended it with if she every wanted to try counseling....I would be willing. Much to my surprise she wrote back two days later, had talked to a counselor through our church and wanted to try it. I flew (by myself to Calif, I am afraid to fly) I had to stay in a hotel. And did 5 straight days of counseling. It was horrible. The counselor was my daughter's age, not married, no children . She bought into all my daughters anger. All my daughter did was use it for a platform to tell someone else, in front of me, how horrible I was. I had no defenses knowing anything I said she would go ballistic. I sobbed the entire week. But get this...she said what a bad mother I was and she did not want me around her most precious things which were her children...and yet....Every single day after the counseling she asked if I wanted to come be with the kids....(while she ran around) Two different days I watched them all day while her and hubby went on long dates. I felt used but wanted to be with my grandchildren. In therapy the counselor gave my daughter the term "pursuer." about me. Like I was a stalker. My daughter set up boundaries that I could not talk to her, email her, or any contact. Because she wanted to make sure she got a free baby sitter during the week she told me I could have contact with the kids. When I left to come home I felt beaten up. It was horrible. I sent my granddaughter two text and then asked if we could skype with her. My daughter once again went nuts and wrote several emails and said I had broken the agreement of the boundaries and I would never seen any of them again. I have cried all week long. I have been sick and to the emergency room with kidney stones which I have never ever had. I am to the point of falling apart...........and fear I will not recover.............I miss my grandchildren...I could have endured this if I would allowed to have contact with them....My daughter knows that................My gosh, non of us is perfect we all make mistakes but I feel like I am being abused by a child who was never abused...............My heart is broken....

I feel your pain. Haven't heard from my adult son in 9 months, after a barrage of crazy emails. He will not respond to many attempts to contact him. I guess it's because the courts and judges removed my custody and visitation rights in 2002, for no reason.

Our son also is refusing to speak to us, I sent him a text for x-mas, told him we loved and missed him, no response, very much in pain for the holidays, I told him, in a previous text a month or so ago how much he was hurting me, with the silent treatment ignoring, he just doesnt seem to care, how can someone do that to someone, he says he loves me, after i tell him i love him, This whole thing started over something so petty, Hes also not speaking to his sister, or her kids, ages 4 and 8, they still have the x-mas gifts for him and his wife from 2009, Ive even mentioned the gifts from last year, I cant cope with this much longer, Ive tried to set up a get together, so we can talk, he tells me hes just to busy for that, dont know what else to do :( nancy

My ex-mother turned my 17 year old son against me. I haven't seen him in three years. My sister cut off all contact with our ex-mother and moved far away with her son. Me on the other hand would never have thought someone could be so selfish and cruel. She showers him with money, cars, and whatever he wants. I on the other hand raised him to work hard for the things he wanted in life. She told him I was wrong and he sided with her. I have moved to another state after my attempts to contact him but she blocked them all. I hope she rots in hell then I hope and pray my son will come back to me. I'm sure he has been damaged with severe mental hatred for me because of her, but I and keeping the faith that love conquers all. I never thought I'd live to see the day where someone's mother can turn their only child against them. Life can be so cruel. To all my other EP friends who have experienced the estrangement of your child, keep the faith and know one day they will come to their senses and realize what is right.

I'm sorry for all of you , and wish you peace of mind<br />
I,ve had a difficult relationship with my 28 years old daughter since she was 13....<br />
She lives far , hard times , and she blames me . After a tough year , we stopped communicating and I'm not allowed to speak to my grandson.<br />
I cried my eyes out , felt guilty ( yes , I've made mistakes , but repaired them ) and then......I started looking at things from a different perpective : <br />
1) blood relation doesn't mean you get along<br />
2) when a child has grown into an adult , you've done your job <br />
3) some kids are just "like that "<br />
4) from a spiritual point of view , our kids don't belong to us<br />
So, we need to move on , love them without ties , and try to be happy.<br />
Merry Xmas to all wonderful parents out there , you are GREAT !

Song Title: "Blood is thicker than water"<br />
Hear @ URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wuYXasJgv3A<br />
<br />
A song about estranged loved ones...

I came from a close famiy, unfortunately I was not able to provide that same structure for my own kids. All 3 of them have had kidney transplants, all with many serious medical problems, my husband and I are in the process of a divorce after 37 years, he was abusive and diagnosed as a sociopath, now he lives alone in a baron apartment. My kids are all adults, and all seem to hate each other, my daughter undoubtedly dislikes/hates me, if I don't cater to her, she always threatenes me to not let me see my granddaughter. I know that will happen, It's more than I can bear. She is 4 and the only glimmer of calm I feel is with her around. Life is just to hard, there is nothing temporary about my situation.<br />
They are wrong when they say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It is always formost on my mind, just have to get my stuff together.

no no non. please respond to me.

I have not seen my only child, my son, since December 2008. For most of 2009 I was allowed to phone him approx every 4 weeks and If I tried in between he would hang up.We had always been close but I always fostered him to be independent also.However he made some questionable decisions about attending family gatherings in order to be at his partner's family, including my father's last Christmas.We knew it would be his last as he had Alzheimers and was very frail.My son informed us that he had told his partner he wanted that Xmas with his Pa, we didn't pressure him, it was his decision but of course she cried and emotionally blackmailed him to be with her family in another state. Since then he was rude, dismissive and angry towards us although up till then we had not even spoken to him about it.I did however ask him what was wrong and why he was avoiding us.Well you'd of thought I had attacked him! So defensive and angry. So I backed off to give him space, figuring he's an adult and has to live with his decisions. So I sent him a birthday gift in June 2009 as usual but had no acknowledgement but could not bring myself to send anything to her in August.So my next phonecall to him he was enraged and his voice was just like the possessed girl from The Exorcist, saying Don't ever phone me again, Don't come near me, forget my numbers, I don't want anything more to do with you.I very calmy replied, That's a pretty big call to make with your own mother and I would like to know your reason.He then said, You're not even a nice person and I don't even like you. This is a boy raised as as an adored single child, planned for, focus of our world, lots of loving extended family, not materially spoilt but always given our time and attention. We travelled, had nice homes, good schools and his Dad and I were happy for his first 15 years until his dad was unfaithful and I left 5 years later, the year after my son left to join the army. I personally am very angry with him as I don't deserve this.He was raised with good values especially in how to treat people.I nursed both of my parents, his adored grandparents, at home when they died, having given up work etc. I believe I have only set good examples for him and am frankly shocked at his behaviour. We think he may have PTSD but don't know for sure.I am left with no way to contact him, no knowledge if he is well or getting any help and at times my grief has almost overwhelmed me.I don't want to die but I would welcome the respite from the ongoing pain.

My heart is so sad for you, but, having gone through this ordeal myself with my own daughter I know freedom comes with acceptance. I had a funeral and truly buried her. It was the only thing I could do. Don't take this on yourself. I had an extremely difficult childhood and never abandoned my parents. I adore them to this day even though they were alcoholic and neglectful. It's personality and choice. I can tell you these kids suffer as much or more than we do. They lack the maturity we have. Perhaps God will use this experience to show us that our lives are not in others but in God. You are not alone.

Be strong, forgiveness and love is all we have left in these instances. PTSD is more prevalent that anyone cares to address, and you know it seems to me that losing a child to their shunning us as parents gives us some sort of PTSD too and IT HURTS BIGTIME. I know how you feel, it is all too much. Hold on to your happy memories, love what once was and find a new path. It isn't giving up, just moving on to healing.

I really feel for you. I know that they are adults which makes it all that more hurtful. Some people say that you must have done SOMETHING. Like my sister, who does not understand at all. I have racked my brain regarding my son, anything that we could have done wrong. I cannot think of anything but good things. My husband and I are baffled. My daughter knows what my son is thinking but says she does not want to get involved. The best mothers day gift I could get would be just to , and I would leave him alone. This is a very hurtful and heartbreaking thing to go through. I think only a mother can really understand. God Bless and take care.