I Group For Parents of Estranged Children

Abandoned

By: Beaner59

Written on September 8th, 2009

It's late, I'm alone and despondent, I weep for my son. I miss him dearly and don't understand why he abandoned me, his dad, his brother, whole family, home. What can he be thinking? We had a good life, we supported his music efforts, scouting, friends. We took vacations, we laughed, watched movies. Sure, he screwed up -- doesn't everyone? We forgave him, he knows that -- your supposed to forgive and forget, beside it wasn't criminal--just stupid adolesent shenanigans. Then he went into the military service, met a girl, married. We supported all of that. Love and family, we're Irish it's what you do.

The phone calls trickled to nothing. No e-mail. No correspondence. Nothing, not from him, not from her. We know they are doing well according to her parents. But he never calls home. Never. Not when his brother graduated high school, swore into the Army, finished basic training, is facing deployment. We were all there for him. I don't understand. I cry when I'm alone. I try not to cry in front of my husband (his father of course) because he is sad too. Then that makes me sadder. I miss my son like air. I just want to hear his voice. I want to see his face. Time is too short. I'm 50, why would he abandon us like this? How can he just go on day after day after day without wondering about us or calling us.

I've prayed and it's been answered: Silence. I've cried and it's been answered: Silence. I worry, I cry, it hurts so bad I want it to end. Sure I'm angry, what if I write a letter, I'M SO ANGRY YOU ARE SO RUDE! What have I got to lose? You guessed it: Silence. Why? Anyone? Why does a child do this to his parents? I'm not getting any sleep tonight.

By: Beaner59

Age: 46-50 , Female

3,592 people have read this story

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29 responses

takemeawayfromthis

I am 62. My children ages 42, 45, 46 have abanded me. I was a stay at home MOM all their life, to care for them because noone could take better care of tem than myself, my husband went to bowling leagues, went fishing, partying, and never spent any tme with them. 3 yrs ago he decided he wanted a divorce because he decided (after 45) years he was in love with his junior high school girlfriend he hasn't seen in 45 yrs, We now have been married 49 yrs. He had a bad illness and was paralyzed so I took him back to take care of him. The kids wanted him in a nursing home. Well, the kids didn't see or talk to me for 6 months, as it was my fault???? Now, after 2 years later, he is dying. They have undermind every decision I ave made, they found he has brain damage going back at least 15 yrs. They drive 6 hours to see him, will NOT inform me of how he is, or offer for me to go, I am loosing my site, and can't see to drive 3 hrs there and back, Nor do I have a car that will make it. They will not contact me in any way, They have decided to "side" with their dad, who is telling them lies about me, and they believe him. I have never said or done anything to them, just loved them, and took care of them, alone. Now????.......I quit my job to care for him. No income, no family..My lfe has been a complete lie.

Feb 10
1 like
cistabella

Just remember its not you its him and whats going on with him the parents of her say hes okay but there not in his head he might be upset or confused at this time but i promise he loves you guys please trust me i have a horrible mom that use to hurt us a lot and tell us she hated us and wished we were dead now shes trying to tell me that my sister and i were switched at birth and to never talk to her ever again needless to say shes cracked lost her mind but i still love her even though she dosent love me anymore. you cant change the past just try to get by day by day even though it hurts you have to be strong and pashent he' ll come around again just dont loose hope and stay strong.
Always lonly

Feb 5
1 like
ravgirl

~~~hi- i had a thriving business and was active and healthy until last year-in January of 2011 i just couldn't do it anymore so i had to give it all up and as painful and depressing as all that was- nothing compares to the heartbreak of being abandoned and rejected by my oldest daughter for a year now. it started with an email full of accusations and misconceptions that she won't let me clear up for her because she won't answer any texts or emails or phone calls. i am baffled. we were close and now-nothing, i am so tired of crying and blaming myself. i actually think this will literally break my heart.

Oct 15, 2012
1 like
pattygirl18

same thing but my son never screwed up He was a role model.. I cry with you

Oct 8, 2012
1 like
Lonestar777

Amazing how so many are affected by this after our sons married a Jezabel. I can surely understand all of you. Irarely ever talked about it cause I thought i was the only parent in the world who had a a child that hated her and I was embarrassed to tell anyone and now I feel better finding a group like this? Are we really a minority or is it like I said, many do not talk about it?

I myself am so sensitive anyway which really can be a very bad hting. One day tho, our kids will go through what we have. Im just afraid cause I dont want to be alone and not have anyone and will need someone to help take care of me. It scares me.. It really does but I have been praying alot that the good Lord will take care of all that.

I guess I will post my story maybe tomorrow. I can see that I am really going to love you all. I am glad I found you all in here.

Diana

May 14, 2012
1 like
Beaner59

After nearly 7 years of little contact, dwindling to no contact we (husband and I) made the decision to jet to the state where the estranged son lived and we knocked on his door. While he was happy to see us, we weren't allowed inside the house and the wife wasn't able to visit with us at all. This spoke volumes but also, without words I felt the love I've always felt for my son. We knew we did the right thing and hubby and I left on an upbeat note that WE did what WE needed to do and thus flew back to our state. Then I started the mental process of moving on keeping the love for my first born son intact, but knowing I had to heal myself or die in the process that consumed my life with unanswered questions. We had him for the best years, she had him for the rest of the years. Talking with friends, prayers, anything to alleviate some of the pain that shadowed my daily living I worked on lifting up and then resolved to visit him one more time to let him know that as long as I'm living I love him, but cannot continue to pine and yearn and that I forgive him for not calling, writing, e-mailing, face-booking, etc. Dad and I will always welcome you home. Then a miracle happened a year ago. The sons marriage dissolved, he packed up and drove home to us. But this is not a movie script where everyone hugs and move on. No, it wasn't that easy, we had to address a lot of time lost and our pain and hear answers to the questions of why? In light of all this, the truth does come out and while he does not lean on the excuse of PTSD from the Iraq war, it was/is part of the problem. We are all healing now and with love we can move on. What I've learned is you will never learn how to "unlove" your child no matter how badly you've been treated, and that when you take the higher road you're going to endure the hurt longer and harder because "easy" isn't an option. Hang in there. Never give up. Treat yourself well and with respect. Find a friend or friends you can rely on to cry, laugh, huffle-puff about your dilemma without judgement because you will need to blow off steam because if you are being shunned, it is one of the worst things a human being can do to another. Carry happy memories in your heart, believe in your love and move on.Its hard, no doubt about that - but you deserve to be happy with or without your child(ren) in your immediate life.

Apr 28, 2012
4 likes
- Lonestar777
  I TRULY am happy for you!!! It gives me some hope, although I am hoping for something alittle sooner than eight years!
  : )
  
  May 14, 2012
  1 like
- jhirshmanmd
  OMG! Your story is so similar to mine. My older estranged son (one of 2), has PTSD from 2 tours in Iraq and lives in Houston but has refused to give any family member his address and I haven't seen or spoken to him in 3 or 4 years. I'm starting to lose track. I recently found an address for him and my plan has been to fly to Houston and just show up. I am so encouraged by your experience. Knowing I have to be realistic and decide what I want to get out of this. There are no expectations that we'll magically start communicating again. My feeling has been that, like you, I just need to be in his presence, face to face to feel the connection and unending love that I believe is mutual regardless of his issues. Healing myself and moving on is my goal. I lost me brother 2 years ago at age 58 and I feel fortunate to be here and healthy and know that none of us are promised a tomorrow. My 20 year old son just flipped on me 5 months ago after his entitled and manipulative girlfriend (and the only girl he has ever dated) got angry with me when I refused her something that she had the nerve to ask of me. It escalated and with the help of my ex husband, my son has completely turned on me. I insisted that we had to meet face to face to talk as a condition to give him one of the cats now that he is moving out of the dorms and into an apartment. He came with an entire typewritten page of complaints, resentments and notes on what a terrible person I am. We met for 21/2 hours and he proceeded to assassinate me as a parent and as a person. He had distorted history and fabricated accusations and portrayed me in a way that I don't think anyone in my life has ever seen me. I followed all of the rules and acknowledged that this was what he experienced, biting my tongue because so much of it was absurdly warped from reality, took responsibility as the parent for everything, apologizing for all of it and that I love him and always will. None of this helped. He was filled with rage and resentment and delivered his character assassination with venom and disdain and finished with saying that he doubts that we can ever have a relationship again. I was destroyed, having no idea whatsoever that he felt this way. We had clearly been close and there is no validity to 90% of what he said. The next day I wrote 44 pages refuting everything he said with slews of examples and evidence to counter his claims. I have no intention of sharing this with him but it was cathartic and validating for me. I am stunned, devastated and still in shock especially because now both of my children have cut me off, even if for very different reasons. I don't have a spouse or even a boyfriend to lean on but I have good friends who have been great. I am working very hard to carry the happy memories, knowing in my heart that these were real, and trying to look forward to the next chapter in my life with hope. Thanks for sharing your story and advice.
  
  May 28, 2012
  1 like
17GloMon

I drove by my son's house today. The place has really changed, & I'm thinking he may have sold his house and moved. How sad is that not to know where your only child lives. He hasn't spoken to me or any of my family in 3 years. My heart is broken. He has a son, my grandchild, who will be 3 next month. That makes 3 years of missing every precious thing a baby does. I have tried so many times, in the beginning, to see the baby & give him gifts, ect. only to have the door slammed in my face. When asked what on earth I could have done to deserve such treatment, his wife usually talks over him about some incident that has been blown way out of proportion. She is very domineering & seems to have convinced him that I am the enemy.The only traumatic thing that hapened was that his father & I were divorced when he was around 13. I realize how hard this must have been for him.....but at the same time know that my ex and I never talked against each other to him & have always shown respect for the other. I just can't understand how he can make the choice every day not to see me,or even just arrange for me to see my grandson.

He was raised in a loving, respectful

environment with lots of close relatives. I don't think I will ever get over this. I am deeply depressed, am in therapy & doing everything I possibly can for my health but still am told that I am at high risk for a heart attack if I don't figure out a way to deal with this. But the pain sometimes is just overwhelming.

This situation, like the death of a child, is taking its tole on my present marriage. I am really in a bad place!!!

Apr 23, 2012
1 like
- Beaner59
  I hope you can find comfort in knowing others care about this situation. We never stop loving our children do we. I pray that you and others find peace.
  
  Apr 28, 2012
  1 like
jwolfe4888

I am recently estranged from my daughter and I completely understand your feelings of abandonment. I cry every day and night while I think to myself how could my only child treat me this way. I hope things for you get better, I will pray for you.

Apr 18, 2012
1 like
bluejay2fly

I have told my story a couple of times about how I lost all 4 teens and preteens. They were mean and selfish and had no respect for adults. I think the ziet geist promotes selfishness and encourages people to be have no compassion for others. I call it the Hurray for Me and F... You syndrome. I also think consumerism reinforces this mentality by promoting the idea that when things are no longer useful throw them away. Tragically, we have the same mentality with people and relationships.

Feb 22, 2012
1 like
- artistgirl1
  bluejay2fly
  I was amazed when I saw someone mention that "zietgeist" nonsense....my son got into that, and I have never really understood it. He is estranged from me....he is a high school dropout, addict and has mental health issues on top of all this.,...won't take meds.
  He is 19, just became a father in November, and I get concerned for that little girl whom I have not even met yet. The mother of this child, my son's gutless girlfriend, basically lets him rule the show....he says "jump" and she says "how high" type of thing.
  I had taken her to Alanon, over a year ago, hoping it could help her in separating herself from his world, his addiction, but he just roped her back in.
  I have not seen or talked to my son since last spring 2011. He was selling script drugs out of where they live, plus stealing from his father's money saved.....his father is the enabler and took both of them in after I had kicked my son out and gotten a restraining order on him.
  He had stolen my savings, at 17 years old, and I found his pot, etc., paraphenalia all over the place where we lived. He would climb in the windows instead of using the door, and I was living alone with him by that time.
  I was concerned now for my safety as well as any further money getting stolen.
  I have been in AlAnon for many years and thank god for that! It has taught me how to have the strength to do what I have to do in order to maintain my serenity and wellbeing in general. So, I had to kick him out. Very sad!!! He is my only child and we used to have nice long chats together and many laughs.
  He is also into this horror rap group called "ICP".....they call themselves Juggalos. Anyone ever heard of this nonsense? These characters paint their faces like clowns and "sing" rap type songs that glorify rape, murder, etc.
  My son was not raised in a home that was anything but caring....I was always there for him, throughout his many residential school attempts as well as any court proceedings. He was firesetting by age 12, and we had no idea where all that behavior stemmed from.
  From then it was downhill gradually......he was diagnosed with ADHD, Bipolar and Conduct disorder. Now, the last I heard, was that his doc thinks perhaps it is Schizoaffective disorder.....who knows!
  The fact remains that he has cut me off and never even called when the baby was born. His father, my ex, refuses to stand up to this son of ours and let him know how cruelly he is behaving. I have been through many of the stages of trying to come to terms with this estrangement thing....the disbelief, the grief, the depression, etc. etc.
  I have accepted it as far as being able to shrug my shoulders and just say "who knows why!" but as his mother it does go through my mind often as to if there is any chance that he will get a grip and want contact.
  He is controlling, for sure, so I don't want any part of that......but at least just a general type of thing, calling to say hi once in awhile, and meeting (finally) my new granddaughter is all I would want....at least it would be a start.
  I am going through the phaze now whether or not I should send a birthday card to him and let him know that no matter what has happened with him in the past, I love him. That I have a gift for him and if he would like to pick it up, I'd meet him for coffee somewhere...keeping it in a neutral location is a good idea I feel.
  That's a big question...should I reach out or not. Ignore the birthday or not.
  I am thinking about starting a support group in my area for parents who are estranged from their children....helping them to climb out of victim mode and become healthy survivors. It is so helpful to be able to share our similar situations with one another and hear other points of view.
  Well, anyone who would like to respond, please do so. This is horrendous for any of us...who would ever think that a child would estrange themself from a good, decent and loving parent. Boggles the mind.
  
  Mar 17, 2012
  1 like
pattismith55

I am very sorry and feel for you. My 38 year old son has been "missing" for 18 months. He has moved away, changed his email address, phone, blocked me from Facebook. I dont know where he lives or how to reach him. The last time I talked to him was when he slammed the door in my face leaving me shocked and in tears at his door step. I'm not sure what I did, and I live every day with the fear that I will never see him again. Its almost as if he died, but he is out there somewhere choosing not to have any contact with me. He has also distanced himself from his brother. I miss him every day and every night and constantly pray for the day when he changes his mind and just calls me. I hurts my heart more than I can describe.

Jan 16, 2012
1 like
waknipe

I feel all of your pain. My wife and I are totally devastated. We had the perfect family until he married over a year ago. We have our first grandchild that we have only seen a half dozen times. We have not seen his familyin overseven months.All praise be God, I am a cancer survivor, however this seems to be the worst thing that has ever happened to us and our family.

He was reared froma family full of love. Who knows why, the day will come when he realizes what he has done and I truly feel sorry for him and his wife.

When his son is of legal age and our family reaches out to our Luke, I wonder what lies wil be told. The truth always comes out.

My prayers are with each and everyone of you that is going through this.

Bill K.

Jan 12, 2012
1 like
waknipe

I feel all of your pain. My wife and I are totally devastated. We had the perfect family until he married over a year ago. We have our first grandchild that we have only seen a half dozen times. We have not seen his familyin overseven months.All praise be God, I am a cancer survivor, however this seems to be the worst thing that has ever happened to us and our family.

He was reared froma family full of love. Who knows why, the day will come when he realizes what he has done and I truly feel sorry for him and his wife.

When his son is of legal age and our family reaches out to our Luke, I wonder what lies wil be told. The truth always comes out.

My prayers are with each and everyone of you that is going through this.

Bill K.

Jan 12, 2012
1 like
yaknbik

This is weird. My son is estranged also, but only after he meet a young lady in college and married her. We had the most perfect family. Our other 2 sons have become distant, too. My huband and I have mourned and cried until I can not do it anymore. Emailsand phones calls r ignored. I have met many parents in this same predictament. We have a life to live so we have decided to take care of ourself and put our energies to better things and love more people. I never stop reaching out to my sons and never will, but we parents must have a good quality of life and go on. Every day is a test in life. There r alot of hurting people in this world tha will receive our love if our own children l not. We need to keep praying because our kids are hurting and scared of something.

Dec 2, 2011
1 like
yaknbik

This is weird. My son is estranged also, but only after he meet a young lady in college and married her. We had the most perfect family. Our other 2 sons have become distant, too. My huband and I have mourned and cried until I can not do it anymore. Emailsand phones calls r ignored. I have met many parents in this same predictament. We have a life to live so we have decided to take care of ourself and put our energies to better things and love more people. I never stop reaching out to my sons and never will, but we parents must have a good quality of life and go on. Every day is a test in life. There r alot of hurting people in this world tha will receive our love if our own children will not. We need to keep praying because our kids are hurting and scared of something. Belinda

Dec 2, 2011
1 like
Nunnayobiz420

I don't think any of us deserve to be treated this way by our children.

All we can do is know that we are the victims in this, and must find our way from victim to survivor.

In my case, there are also lil' grands involved. I miss them terribly, & all the plans i had for us in the future are now gone.

I pray for those little babes everyday, knowing they're being twisted by corrupt, hateful creeps.

While i miss my son, & will always wonder how he could do this to us, i have also lost any regard for him that i had, & that was a lot. I don't know if i even want to know him anymore, & won't...as long as he's with the nutbag he's with.

Oct 29, 2011
1 like
tish53

I'm so sorry we all have the same thing in common..

almost 4 years ago my eldest daughter stopped talking to me and got her youngest sister on side...the middle one although isn't estranged I rarely see or hear from her because of her own issues..

just over 12 months ago my son (with whom I was very close) took his life and I can't believe the way my 2 EDs kicked me while I was down....(and still am)

I am alone and resolved to the fact that it will be this way until I die..

like 'desperatemum' above I too wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up...

I don't understand how I raised children with such a cruel, vindictive streak in them...

I don't deserve to be treated this way....

;(

Feb 11, 2011
1 like
desparatemom

I am a mother of two sons, and a stepdaughter, none of them are, or have been talking to us, first off my step daughter stopped talking to us simply because she was still in high school living with her mom, we had myspace at the time, and had added her to our list, we noticed that she was staying up til all hours of the night, she had her own computer in her room, her grades were failing, and she was missing alot of school, so my husband decided to call his ex to inform her of what was going on, as if she should know, but she really didn't care one way, or the other, so she told her daughter what her father had said, which turned her against us, my husband wanted to have a sit down talk with her, but she refused, we sent her christmas gifts, only to have them returned to us, next is my 27 year old son who is bi-polar, he was doing well taking hids meds, and seeking counseling, he is on disability due to his anger issues, he married a woman my age, and she talked him out of taking his meds and seeking counseling, from what we've seen they are both dabbling with darkness witchcraft, atheism, and/or satanism, we texted each other every now and then, but the texts started becoming abusive, to the point where i had to put up boundaries with him, i told him i did not want to hear from him any longer until he got back on his meds, and got some counseling, this has been several months now, and still have not heard from him, and last is my 23 year old son who is in the Army, he served his first tour in Iraq, and now is serving in Afghanistan, his wife have had our issues, she and her family are living here illegally, she and i aren't getting along, and now my son has shut us out of his life completely, i've done all i can to make amends with her, but she won't have it, i've done all i can think of doing to make things right, but so far there's been no response, i am heartbroken to say the least, i am about to lose my mind over all this, i am existing day to day, not working due to my depression and anxiety, it's gotten quite severe lately, everyone i ask advice tells me to just get over it, and move on, well it's not that easy when your son is in a war, we recently found out he had been hit while he was there, we are always the last to know...i don't know what to do at this point, perhaps just give up all together, which leaves me in a deep depression to the point where i don't even want to get out of bed, i'm at a loss here, i'm desparate, praying that nothing happens to him, i have beeb having horrible mood swings, i'm a mess, sometimes i wish i could just go to sleep, and never wake up....

Jan 24, 2011
1 like
- jhirshmanmd
  See my reply above to another post. My older son did 2 tours in Iraq in the early and most violent years and was in combat. That alone, like your son being in Afghanistan, nearly destroyed me, fearing the worst. So for you to experience those fears and on top of that being cut off by him is nothing short of devastating. I'm not at all surprised that you are depressed and anxious. I went through that myself when my son was in Iraq the first time and we were speaking and close then. It not only doesn't help when people give that advice, it's downright enraging! I know you feel so alone with all of this and your situation is complicated so a lot of people just don't get it. They may mean well but it's a very isolating situation. I hope you are getting professional help. It won't change the situation but it will help you with finding ways to cope with all of this, and most likely take the edge off, at least, the depression and anxiety. I take antidepressant and antianxiety medication and it has helped tremendously. If you are getting help and you still feel like this, find a new doctor and therapist. I too have spent days in bed not showering or brushing my teeth and feeling like I didn't want to live anymore. You may find yourself living day to day even with professional and effective help, but at least your days, as you face each one, may allow you to choose to push yourself to get up and do something to distract yourself from ruminating about all of it. Seek out people who validate that you are a good and worthy person who doesn't deserve this. Tell them that you're not looking for advice. What you need is support and people who genuinely care about you and treat you with respect and dignity. They are out there. It may take a little time to find them but there is no chance if you don't get out of bed. It took me a long time to realize all of this myself. And it isn't easy to take these steps. It is downright arduous. But try for one day in a week. I started going to a wellness center for back problems which also compounded my depression. What I found there even more than help for my back, was unbelievably kind and supportive people some of whom I've formed close friendships. They have their problems too and we support each other. That helps too. Helping someone else and focusing outside yourself. Again, I am completely aware that this is all easier said than done and at this point you may feel like all you can accomplish is maybe getting out of bed. I've been there. But I urge you not to give up. Not all doctors and therapists are good. Keep looking until you find someone who can really help you and continues to keep working at getting your depression treated and not just giving you the same medications over and over that haven't worked. Use these online supports and maybe you can get a referral to a therapist through these sources. It's too bad there isn't a live support group but looking at demographics we seem to be spread out all over the country and even people from other countries. Remember, God didn't put you here solely to be a mother. And you are not alone.
  
  May 28, 2012
  1 like
sandichristenson

I am the mom of 7 lovely children, 3 grandkids. My 32 year old daughter that I have been estranged with, has decided to get my other children to hate me, they are even calling her mom/ They are grown adults, so I truly believe my daughter has some serious mental issues/ I have 1 son who is still in my life, thank God, and his daughter. He knows how disturbed his sister, is/ I am so worried that my other children will become mentally ill, calling their sister, mom/ Heartbroken and worried/

Sep 30, 2010
1 like
MayMirabella

Posted by May on 4/4/2010 11:10:13 AM

I can relate to issue of parents being abandoned.

Our son is now 30 years old. When he was 28, he suddenly stopped answering emails, returning phone calls, sending or replying to text messages. And this was after a carefree, fun, loving phone call that was quite normal and quite usual on Thanksgiving. All was well and he ended the conversation with " I love you" without us saying it first.

To our knowledge, nothing happened and nothing changed. But when we tried to call him before Christmas to invite him to stop by over the holiday season, he never responded. That was Christmas 2008. There were no arguments, no major or minor events between us, and all was quite normal.

At first, we worried he might not be well or suffering a personal or financial crisis. But a few months later, he accepted our Friend invitations from Facebook. He simply does not reply to anything we post from time to time and zero contact.

We always gave him tons of space and we were always polite and respected boundaries and we never lectured him. It was not a matter of religious or political differences as sometimes that is a cause for a situation where the adult children choose to separate from the parents and sometimes, end the relationship.

He was very good to me when my parents died and he even volunteered a greal deal of time to help us get their house ready to sell and helped us move and so much more.

Up to the point where the contact ended, he would contact us via text message a lot. His work schedule prevented a lot of visits and time in person but he was fairly prompt about returning messages that we would send even if only by text or a brief email.

He tends to be self involved and self centered, though. That we could never deny. I do believe he has taken our kindness, our respect for him, for granted.

We are just mystified as to why the contact stopped. We tried everything. We did not bug him about it at all. We were careful how often we tried to reach him. We tried to limit the messages so not to annoy him.

I am a psychologist who is totally bewildered and astonished as to what has happened.

Apr 4, 2010
1 like
- jhirshmanmd
  Your story is so similar to mine with my 29 y.o. son. Just recently my 20 y.o.son stopped communicating with me when his very entitled and manipulative girlfriend got angry with me. After 5 months of no contact except for a few obligatory replies to my texts we met 2 days ago to talk. Referencing a full typewritten page of complaints, he proceeded to entirely assassinate my character and my parenting. My ex-husband also has played a role in this. I was astonished and devastated to hear what he had to say after what I thought was a mutually close and loving relationship. He vastly distorted the past and fabricated things that just never,l ever occurred. I spent 2 hours listening and acknowledging that although I saw it differently, I understood that he experienced it that way and that I am sorry that I hurt him and that I love him. At some point I realized that I was experiencing verbal abuse. He disregarded my apologies and my acceptance of responsibility for how he experienced things (as far from how things really were), and gave me no opportunity to speak aside from these brief comments. It wasn't intended by him to be a dialogue to begin to understand and try to start to heal. He clearly so it as an opportunity to rage at me and blame me for everything bad in his life. In spite of following all of the guidelines in dealing with an estranged child, things went from bad to worse. He said he doesn't foresee that we can ever have a relationship again. Based on his character assassination of me and his lack of response to my following all of the rules to approaching the estranged child, I tend to think this is likely to be the case. I clearly have no control in this situation. He has adamantly made up his mind and his castigation of me was made with a manner of hatred, loathing and rage. I too am mystified by how he turned on me. Yesterday I spent hours and hours handwriting 44 pages of rebuttals and scads of examples that dispute his claims and show that he hasn't always felt this way about me. I have no intention of sharing this with him as it will only put him more on the defensive and fuel his rage. But it was incredibly cathartic and validating to review all of this. I was so destroyed after that meeting that I started to believe that maybe I was a terrible person and a failure as a mother and that I didn't see myself of life accurately. My few surviving relatives and good friends assured me that I wasn't a terrible person or mother and that in fact it was quite the opposite and helped me regain my footing. I also have a 29 y.o. son who did 2 tours in Iraq and was in combat and has PTSD but refuses to get treatment. We had been very close and in frequent contact until after he graduated from college after his 1st tour and right before he was to leave for his 2nd tour he suddenly cut off contact with me with absolutely no identifiable reasons. He had already stopped communicating with his father and brothers and all other relatives. But we even had 3 long phone conversations while he was in Iraq each costing me $800 and $900. Money well spent I felt. He experienced and was involved in numerous atrocities and traumas and I was the only person he told of these things. He has a lot of guilt about something that happened and shared that with me as well. When he was graduating from college I was trying to make my travel plans to go to the graduation and being ADD, he typically kept neglecting to find out the exact dates of both the university graduation and the business school ceremony. I finally asked him, in a very neutral tone, if he didn't want me to come. (He told his father not to come). He immediately replied in a frantic voice that I had to come and that if I didn't "it wouldn't mean anything!" I did go and when his father called and asked me what he should do, I told him to absolutely go to the graduation. We went and all went well and just 2 months later he stopped communicating with me. How does one go from if I didn't attend his graduation it wouldn't mean anything to severing all communication. He did email me a few times after his return from the 2nd tour in Iraq but then went silent again. He has poked me several times on facebook at random and I just poke back. I know he is successful in his work and has a great job in Houston but he has refused to give any family member his address. Aside from my theories about the role of his PTSD in all of this, it is baffling. So the recent alienation of my younger son has really been a blow. Following his brothers example (he just finished his sophomore year of college), he has refused to give me the address of the apartment to which he is moving. So, after sharing this very long story and getting back on point, I can feel your pain. I am a psychiatrist and I too am at a loss. My thoughts are with you.
  
  May 28, 2012
  1 like
yucca13

Hi B.I am also the parent of estranged children. My two younger daughters have cut me off for five years now. I thought when their brother died in 2008 it might make some difference - thought they might have a bit more empathy then. I do not have a guilty conscience about raising them. Like many parents, we sacrificed and did whatever we could for our children. Two of them appreciate our efforts and two don't..I have had my own relationship glitches with my own mother but I would never cut her off. I couldn't be that cruel.

Sometimes I can't believe these self-righteous, egotistical, marcisisstic people are related to me. I have such a mixture of dislike, love, frustration and grief that it really is hard to keep my mind from driving me crazy. These girls seem to want me to admit line by line just what I did to them in their younger years that was so harmful. B.S. I refuse to do it and don't know if it would make any difference anyway. They have a very strong need to be right and I don't know if they will ever outgrow it. It may be too late already because i don't feel as if I like these people for creating so much pain. Val

Jan 18, 2010
4 likes
- cadyempr
  I also have a daughter who things I should be held accountable for the hurt that I caused her 25 yrs ago, when her dad and I divorced. I worked 3 jobs and put myself thru college. Her Dad chose to leave us and become somewhat of a distant father. He was verbal and physical abuse w/me and started on her. I protected her as much as I could from this. Now I am the one paying the price not her father. She says I have to be held accountable for what I did. She will never appreciate the stuff that I did do for her. I was always there for, supported her and stuck with her no matter how cruel she treated me over the years. When will mothers evere get a break?
  
  Aug 16, 2011
  1 like
LostInThePastStorms

I was a child like that to my foster mon..but it was just me and her and are relationship was not very connected..i went to california and left when I was 16 from hurt.. But do you ever think it might be his partner he is with...women can be quite controlling...He loves you..your his mother...always will be...just do what you can do and be with your other son who is going to deploy soon. I hope you hear from his soon. Just remember your his mom...trust me he thinks of you everyday.

Sep 15, 2009
1 like
fungirlmmm

I am sorry for your loss. Have you reached out to him. The wife is talking to her parents so when you talk to them maybe you could mention that you would like to hear from him. Maybe he doesn't have the money to call? Maybe he feels you have wronged him in some way. You won't know unless you call him or get in touch with him.

Sep 9, 2009
2 likes

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