The Life Changing Mistake

It only took one thing to screw up my life, thoughts, beliefs, and feelings. I made a mistake that I will forever have to live with. I am a very impulsive person. I do things without thing them through, but that is no excuse for doing the things I do. One night in early December of 2012 my life changed with one single hit from a blunt my brother left downstairs. One hit won’t hurt anyone. I thought to myself. I grabbed the lighter from my pocket, lit it, took one hit as I intended. Instantly I was in hell.

The only thing I could see was the lights on the tree in the front yard. All I could hear was high pitched sounds. My head was moving and I had absolutely no control over it. Hell. I am in hell. My thoughts are what had me scared the most. I COULD think. I could talk to myself rationally. It had seemed as if it only affected my body and not my mind. I was trapped inside of my own body and I could not get out. Calm down. I reached for my pants, but I could not feel them for I had no feeling in my body. Finally, I told myself; this is not real. Get up. Get the hell up right now. I began to yell at myself inside my head. I stood up, grabbed the door knob, and yelled “DAD? DAD? DADDY? CALL AN AMBULANCE! CALL AN AMBULANCE! CALL AN AMULANCE!”

My mom had sat me down in a chair and tried to talk to me. Nothing came out right. It was useless to try to talk. I still didn’t think I was alive. I grabbed my mothers’ hands and I mumbled to her “Do not let me go, please”. I couldn’t actually feel the touch, but I could feel the warmth coming from her hand, and it soothed me.

I didn’t get in trouble that night. But one thing is for sure; this memory will cease to haunt me in my every waking minute. Not an hour goes by that I do not think about what it will be like after I die. Will I become nonexistent? Will I go to heaven? Will I go to hell? My religious beliefs are messed up because of this one mistake. I am scared if I do not repress this memory I will be in a mental institution by the age of 20. I believe that if I wasn’t able to tell myself the things I did, I would be dead or in an even worse mental state. My punishment will last forever.

bunny022012 bunny022012
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 9, 2013

Yo I'm 18 and in college. I smoked a tiny bit in high school, and then started smoking basically every day over the summer after I had graduated. And continued to smoke every day for the first two months of school. I've always considered my self atheist, but always open to the thought of a god. I'm also a very deep thinker, especially when high. Long story short one night I was laying in bed and started thinking about death, god, the point of life and basically thought some pretty nasty thoughts that I had never thought before. I instantly felt sick to my stomach and I had my first anxiety attack. I felt sick to my stomach. I put on a coat an went outside to calm myself down. I started thinking about suicide (not that I would ever, ever, do it) but I kept thinking that it's the only way to not experience hurt. (What's weird is I have had a great life for the most part, so idk why I was even thinking that) the next day I decided to quit smoking. I couldn't go a minute with out thinking depressing thoughts and getting that feeling in my stomach. Nothing felt real, i kept questioning if i even existed! i slept a lot, didnt ear much, and was super withdrawn. This lasted about two to three weeks, but was significantly better after the first. Long story short I still smoke but take tolerance breaks often, it's not good for your brain over extended use, and it's not good to forget what it's like to go through life not high. And yes my little weed induced psychosis, as terrible as it was, went away. If you tell your self your going crazy, it only gets worse. Stay away from pot for a lil while, think positive thoughts, and know its only temporary. It takes years and years of chronic smoking to cause irreversible effects to your brain, so you shouldn't have anything to worry about