I Am the Wiser For It.

  Thomas De Quincey defined marriage as "a union between two persons, who lived in harmony so absolute with each other, as to be independent of the world outside.

My idea of a true marriage is a mutual bonding of two individual souls. Nothing to do with legal contracts or religious ceremonies.

We didn't have that.


WiseOldOwl WiseOldOwl
56-60, M
18 Responses Oct 4, 2009

Water soluble :)

Aquadhere then?

LOL, I don't want to get stuck with some one.

LOL you need to shop around when you're choosing adhesives...

Yes, it is rare, though I have seen it and it's something worth striving for I think.

Doing much better these days thanks roj.

WOO, I take it things are better now? Sounds like you gave it a pretty good go, both sticking at it and aiming for change. That would take discipline.

About influencing each other's personalities - there is only so much we can do at the end of a decades-long marriage. Still, personalities do have an impact on one another, but that happens mostly during the adjustment period at the beginning of a relationship. This is why starting relationships can be such an uplifting experience, like a higher class of self-improvement.<br />
Oh, and EP - the ability to share my thoughts and get peer support does have an influence on me. I'm grateful for this kind of growth, and it comes when I did not expect it any more.

even shakespeare talks of "a marriage of two minds".<br />
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thanks woo<br />
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justme52, I think sometimes what we want is best found if not looking for it. It can still happen in this life.

That would, I bet you'll be very careful in the future.

Oh yes, there is only so much you can do. That's why we parted.

WOO, I hear you. My parents had a marriage just like that, being independent of the world outside. <br />
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The only thing about that was that they didn't really connect well with others because they turned inward perhaps almost TOO much at times. <br />
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Needless to say, that set a pretty high bar for me for the terms of what I hoped for for my own relationships...with, shall we say, very interesting results.<br />
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I think anything is possible within reason, but I agree with AgeingThinker, there is only so much you can do with someone's established personality traits - if they are very much set in their own ways and those ways don't work with you, there is likely not very much you can do.

I think communication can change traits. If a friend can identify a trait why not listen and heed, or at least think about it?

Communication cannnot change essential traits of personality. Especially for mature people whose character has been formed long ago. It helps understand each other, but that's about it. <br />
This for me is horrible. Finally, the mortgage and the "super" (retirement fund) seem to balance each other in my favour. I survived the recession and I even managed to pick up new skills. There is les pressure, and things are going for the better. And now, just now, I suddenly cannot take it any more. This is it.

AgingThinker, that's pretty well where we ended up. I tried to talk, but she didn't want to make changes. She didn't seem to understand what I was about. We clearly were not communicating.

how beautiful and how sad....<br />
Me and my wife tend to be independent of the world outside. We do this together. Yet, we are both profoundly unhappy. We are able to talk it through with one another, but we are unable to change it. It is a heavy burden to carry. Very heavy.

Yes, it would be. I've seen the joy in others that have that connection. So I know it's possible.