Bad Trip

I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. I've finally had a bad experience with MDMA.

It all started in December during finals. There was this stupid thing at my school with people running around in their underwear in the freezing cold for no good reason. I don't know why I went. I met a girl there with whom I stayed in contact. She begged me to take her to a rave. After she asked several times, I decided to be friendly and consented. I kept my word and we agreed to buy our tickets online. Shortly after I realized that I had just committed to taking a total stranger into a situation in which I will be vulnerable, but she seemed like a nice person. I've been really busy this semester like always and didn't have the opportunity to get to know her. The week before however, she asked to meet for coffee. I went down to Culver City to meet her, and she could only stay for a half an hour, which was weird but ok. She goes to school, she's vegetarian, and she speaks three languages, so I assumed she must be halfway intelligent. She had also noted cannabis use. So I figured, ok, seems like my kind of person. After that I ended up going to Venice and randomly met up with some friends I haven't seen for ages at the drumcircle, which brightened the day. We were dancing down the street banging drums and freaking people out. Then on Friday I met up with them again, and the weekend got off to kind of a bad start. I was going to a club called live to see my friend's band. I brought a good friend with me. Now I'm ******* serious, not 10 minutes after I got off the 10 freeway, I somehow I was in Hermosa Beach. WTF. It's like we were abducted and dropped there. It took over an hour to get back. I had someone with me and we were in no kind of altered state, so this was not just some delusion. When we finally got there, the band had just got off stage, but we sat around and had an intelligent conversation over drinks for a while. Then one of my friends' sister slapped the girl she brought and most of the rest of the night was full of bad vibes and trying to keep the two of them from clawing each others eyes out. Totally not peace and love. :-

So the next day was the day of the big dance, How Sweet It Is. Now here is how MDMA is supposed to go. You meet up with friends who are going to roll at the same time as you and you go to a large party, usually involving electronic music. Now a rave, as I define it, from late 80s/90s culture is a discreet party out in the middle of nowhere or in an undisclosed location which is revealed to the invites just before it starts. This is to prevent law enforcement interference because MDMA is banned by the federal government, and because these gatherings are usually without permit. This type of event is rare nowadays and has been supplanted by extremely large public parties, attended by big name DJs and put together by Insomniac and other corporate ********. It seems most people under the age of 30 or so actually think this is a rave. So of course they nominally ban and check for illegal substances, but everyone who goes knows that MDMA use is still the focus of the event, it's extremely easy to sneak in, and you'll usually be solicited or asked several times for pills throughout the night. The event is usually conducted on some kind of fairgrounds dressed up in a semi-psychedelic fashion.

As for company, it's ideal to bring a drama-free boyfriend/girlfriend/fuckbuddy/intimate friend with whom you can fully experience the 'love drug' in an appropriate manner in public, but a tight-nit group of mature but youthful/upbeat friends who you can trust to maintain peace at all costs, love unconditionally, act with unity, and respect each other's boundaries and feelings is also just perfect. You need to have the kind of people who you can trust to pick you up when you fall down, help you walk when you're stumbling, and pull you out of dangerous or stupid situations. New age hipsters who dominate the subculture surrounding the drug came up with the acronym PLUR to make it easy to remember the key words of this ethic, no matter how ****** up you are. You would think this would be universal knowledge within this subculture, as the drug, the ethic, and the music all go hand in hand as the basis for these parties. Though after being strangled by some ******* who wrestled me to the very front of the colliseum at EDC last year, I'm already aware this is not the case. I have not had any majorly bad experience at these parties otherwise. Though it's possible to experience ego emotions such as jealousy, envy, or fear at the sight of such things as couples making out while you're solitary, people you perceive as better looking or better dressed than you, girls 'out of your league', or the fear of others' sexual advances etc. But a large part of the spiritual growth one achieves at these events is in letting go of these defensive thoughts that our larger corrupted society has implanted in us to agitate and exploit ego to sell their products and to maintain the gender/class control system. Eventually us sages will conquer these demons with undying love, but that may be too late to save our civilization. The use of psychedelics such as MDMA in a ritual or positive atmosphere makes this transcendance process much easier.

The first time I rolled was at a private house party with my sister and a couple of her friends after a faire. We watched the Party Monster Shockumentary which was amusing. One of her friends is a dumb, ugly ********, which was kind of annoying, but whatever. I took three pills across the night, which was a rather large dose for a first time, and I'm sensitive to most things, but the individual pills were rather weak. I discovered the meaning of the epithet 'rolling' while I was literally rolling around on the floor, touching my face in unbelievable extasy. My sister and I finally opened up after a lifetime of general conflict and abuse. In total, it was a positive experience. The second time I rolled was with my ex-girlfriend's sister's friends, who were acquaintances who pretty much became my friends that night. They were extremely nice people and I had an awesome time. In retrospect, I'm beginning to realize that the mood and general experience seems to be largely dependant on the environment and the people around you. I have never tried rolling alone, and never plan to.

As for the trip, to anyone who uses psychedelics or are interested in the subject, I recommend reading the works of Dr. Timothy Leary, who pioneered the American custom of using drugs to unlock higher parts of the mind, especially his work titled The Psychedelic Experience, based on the Tibetan Book of the Dead. Written by Tibetan Buddhist monks, who have experimented with entheogens in the remote (and now in diaspora due to persecution by the Chinese) temples of the Himalayas for centuries, as a manual to the afterlife, these ancient scriptures describe how a trip goes, how it's supposed to go, and provides mantras for guiding it in an optimal direction. The trip, induced either by a mind altering substance, proper ritual, or both, is in fact a type of death, hopefully a partial deconstruction of the ego which will return one to the path of happiness and facilitate spiritual progress in rejoining with the great unity that you might call God. At the onset of a psychedelic experience one transcends the self and the mind completely, all thoughts and mental constructs disappear and for a moment one is truly free from this retarded game of struggle and suffering that we collectively delude ourselves into believing is reality. In the severaly damaged American culture, the ego generally pulls one out of this phase of the exerience almost as soon as it begins, out of fear of the unknown, since we fail to teach our children the true meaning of death, and because of the extreme attachment to the material world, conditioned in us by a lifetime bombardment of advertisements intended to educe shame and guilt for selfish motivations. As one begins to come down, the second phase involves re-entering the game in an altered state, usually involving hallucinations of external beings such as angels, demons, aliens, etc. It is this phase that typically lasts the longest and is most familiar in popular culture. In your childhood, you've most likely had this experience with or without drugs, but you likely do not remember. And finally, as the entheogenic substance of choice or your ritually excited neurotransmitters begin to wear out, one descends into the third stage of attempting to regain "sober" consciousness and return to the game of suffering. This phase is of course, the least desirable, and it is especially important to have a sage/shaman/priest/DJ/good friend guide you back to reality in a supportive manner.

If one is especially attached to the material world or foolishly undergoes this journey in a non-supportive setting, the first phase is likely skipped entirely, the second phase may consist of frightening or negatively perceived hallucinations, and then finally struggling to return to reality. This may be due to subconscious issues that the subject failed to work through prior to the trip, ignorance of the the process described above, or negative social stimulus or 'drama'. Unfortunately, there was a ton of drama at How Sweet It Is. The evening started off just fine. It was a long drive there. I wasn't in the mood to talk much, and we just listened to music most of the time. Then the annoyances began when I turned onto the 215, San Bernardino had failed to succesfully direct traffic, and there was about a mile and a half line that I waited in for an hour and a half, just sitting there burning gas. But we made it and found parking on a backstreet. It was around 10:30 by the time we had gotten dressed and entered the park. We explored a bit and got pizza. She realized she didn't have any money once she had ordered so I payed for her. Then while we were eating I began trying to contact my friends. The first major burn of the night was when it turns out that the main person I know in the group I was meeting couldn't get in beause her boyfriend's ticket had been jacked. So then I tried getting ahold of her friends (the same people who accompanied me to TAO), but the defacto leader was barely conscious at the time. We tried to get into the building we thought he was in several times, but the building was "at capacity" the entire night and guarded by five mounted horsemen. What a ******* rip-off. There were just bad vibes all around that party. So we wandered around looking for them for an hour and a half until finally we encountered them. The girl and I had been getting along just fine up until then, though neighter of us had been very chatty most of the night. So we got our pills, which I payed for by the way. The effects of MDMA tend to kick in about 45 minutes to an hour after oral consumption. After trying one last time to enter the guarded building and being chased away by horsemen, we spent the rest of the night by the DJ out on the grass. It was kind of chilly, but a sometimes convenient side-effect of MDMA is raise in body temperature, so things were feeling just right. My friends and I were re-acquainting and telling stories, and even though they had already had drama of their own concerning the lost ticket and such, the atmosphere had become jubilant by now. I pulled a joint out of my shoe and passed it around. So just as I was starting to open up and go around saying nice things to people, my companion went into ***** mode. I said to her something along the lines of "sorry the first half of the evening was so lame, stuck in traffic for an hour and a half, and looking for my friends for an hour and a half, and me being all quiet and introverted, but everything's cool now. I really do enjoy your company, do you enjoy mine?" And then out of nowhere she started saying "I don't like you" and walking away from me, and then avoided me like the plague the rest of the time she was rolling. Whao, wtf. If it was a girl I was trying to get with, it would at least make sense. I could see how that type of behavior might be justified if I had kept trying to make out with her and she just wasn't into me, but this was completely out of nowhere. I had barely even touched her besides leading her around through the crowd by the hand. She's kind of fat, pig-nosed, and has a weird looking face, so I'm not attracted to her in any sense of the world. I was just being friendly in taking her here and introducing her to my world which she had begged me to do. So my trip and the whole night was just ruined from then on. Plagued with nonsensical thoughts of betrayal, rejection, abandonment, etc, my trip on the first pill went straight into phase three and didn't last very long. In a type of desperation to regain my well-being, I took my second pill. I didn't realize at the time that introducing more of the psychoactive substance while in a now non-supportive environment was a very bad idea. These were 'triple-stacked' or very strong pills. Now an unfortunate side-effect of MDMA is bruxism (teeth-grinding) and trismus (lockjaw). The MDMA molecule has not been properly engineered to minimize these effects because it's legitimate develpment was cancelled by the federal government decades ago (same fate as stem cells until recently). Injury from these effects is prevented by keeping something in your mouth, which is why you see people walking around with pacifiers (not just because they're trying to regress to a child-like state).

I rolled harder than I ever have. I literally shredded my pacifier until there was nothing left, then I went to work on my brand new neon scarf, shredding tears into that as well. I remember noting, 'this is the real reason people wear scarves'. A bit of humor during a time of mild trauma. Much of the night is a blur. At some point I remember entering into an REM (Rapid Eye Movement) state, and stumbled around watching the world vibrate. For the first time ever, I was in the negative state of mind euphemized as 'e-tard'. The ***** didn't even give a **** when I was stumbling around in a barely conscious state, falling on the grass. Thank ******* Goddess I had friends around to help me get through it and drive me home. So then coming down on the car ride home, we were all talking about coming out to our parents and such, and I think she got a slightly better picture of who I am. She sort of half heartedly apologized for her behavior earlier and claimed that it was because she's "had bad experiences with men taking advantage of her in the past." No ******* excuse to ruin my night. I would like to hope that she didn't realize what she was doing to me, but her behavior was just so unusual, and confusing, and ungrateful, and hurtful, that I can't just let this go. I drove her a 150 friggin miles to San Bernardino and back, bought her MDMA and her pacifier, bought her food, and was ready to guide a young soul through her first time in this experience. After providing everything to give her an amazing time just out of kindness for a supplicant acquaintance, she decided to do everything possible to ruin mine. Perhaps I had failed to explain to her the philosophy and ethics of what we were doing. Perhaps I was being foolish in trusting a stranger to behave properly in such an immersive initiation. Perhaps I was foolish to initiate someone I don't know and trust while I myself was in a vulnerable state. Or maybe this is just what I get for talking to an 18 year old ditz who I found running around naked at my school. >_< To complicate matters, I discovered this morning that she left her wallet in my bag. I am not burning another ******* ounce of gas to drive this **** back to ******* Culver City. And I'm too angry to deal with her right now. ****, this **** is lame.

As for my own health and safety, I don't think there was any dental damage. After dropping the girl off, we went back to our friend's house. I walked in, layed down on the floor, and fell asleep. She layed down blankets for me. I am so thankful for the hospitality and moral support of my friends who helped me through this experience. When I woke up there I said goodbye and went home to bed, and spent most of the day sleeping my brain chemistry off. When I woke up later in the night, I had a locked jaw, which I've been massaging and trying to relax ever since. It's gotten slightly better throughout the day now, but my jaw is still in trismus. Trismus as a side effect of excessive MDMA use usually goes away after a short period of time, so hopefully this heals in the next couple of days. So for now, I'm definitely done rolling for quite a while, and I think I need an extended break from this scene in general. I think my next trip needs to be on a more traditional entheogen in a ritual setting with a shaman, so that I can spiritually heal before I go back out into the secular world of 'raves' to preach peace and love throughout the land.

divineandrogyne divineandrogyne
4 Responses Mar 24, 2009

AMAZING story i was spiritually drawn in and i felt your emotions truly come out as for the chick F@&$ her haha if she doesn't understand friendliness and manners then she truly doesn't deserve what you gave her

Those thoughts come from demons, the spiritual beings who can only be fought with the bible. Do not hold a grudge then, for the enemy is trying to put one person against another.<br />
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MDMA is sedition against Yahweh god, and leads to demonic possession. If you hang around raves long enough you'll eventually realise its a big demon party and that the experienced bliss is only a deception to get you into Gehennas fires. There is not so much brain damage from drugs as demons getting into people. If MDMA sometimes releases demons, its their ploy to draw you in and wont be an actual cure.

You still a little wired? That was quite the rant. Still, enjoyed reading it ='] Might invest in a pacifier tbh, I always rip out fillings and chunks of my inner cheeks xDD seriousy, after heavy stimulant usage, I cannot physically talk because I tear my cheeks sooo much.

this story was really enlightening, i really enjoyed reading this