I will never forget when my two best friends decided they hated me the summer of 2008.

I had just dealt with my step dad's violent alcoholism for several years. It had escalated that winter to the point I thought I was actually going to be killed. I'd had to stay with my biological father for nearly a month. Of course he was never home so it was a bit like living with myself. I was also working an extremely intensive labor job at a local pet shop at the time. Due to high heat and humidity of the summer I was often having bouts of sickness that left me wanting nothing more than to lie in my cool bedroom. And I had been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and mild OCD and was bouncing around several different antidepressants and all their lovely side-effects.

I came home one day to see an IM from the one I was slightly closer to, Ashley. It stated that they thought I was "annoying as ****, but not to worry as they had thought this for awhile." She proceeded to list all of my faults. I'm a spaz, I'm selfish, throw a fit when I don't have my way, I'm a flake, I'm a liar. A hypocrite. Critical of them. Scared of change. An attention-seeker. And so on. I signed out immediately and shook uncontrollably. I could only skim over the rest of the biting words before bursting into tears. 

Sure Ashley and I bickered often, but this was so cruel. I tried to talk to my other best friend, Michele, as if I hadn't gotten Ashley's messages but she told me she never wanted to speak to me again. (Of course this is the highly-abridged version. In reality both coldly swore, insulted, sneered at my weaknesses, mocked me.) The worst part was that just a couple days before this I'd spent the night with Ashley. I thought she was acting a little odd, so I asked if she was angry at me. She just smiled and reassured me she wasn't.

It was so unexpected. I barely functioned the rest of the summer. I went to work, I came home, I slept. For awhile I watched their blogs, hoping for traces of remorse or that they were missing me. Nothing. Eventually I moved into anger. I bashed them to no one in particular. I criticized their cowardly way of telling me, declaring that if I ever saw either again I'd punch them in the face. I even worked up the courage to walk into the Sears that Ashley's parents owned. Of course the entire time I was there, I quivered with terror, afraid Ashley would waltz out of the back room and punch me in the face. (A ridiculous notion, she was always always afraid of violence)

I obsessed and seethed over them well into fall. I saw them at a mutual friend's birthday party. I was so scared the whole time. Neither would make eye contact with me. They made it a point to sleep on the opposite side of the room.

After that, though, I don't know. I think it gave me some closure. I was able to think of other things, like getting my driver's license and my family. I really got into Christmas that year. I made it a point to tell those in my life how much I cared about them.

Since that summer I've become fairly cynical of my friendships. I know they won't last. Pretending that they will is foolish, but that doesn't mean I won't cherish them while they're here. I hate when the focus is on me. I am so annoyingly flexible now that I'll rarely make a decision that involves others. I now rarely lie. I hate attention. I now beg my friends to tell me if I'm doing something to **** them off. I apologize like mad now.

I get that they needed to confront me, but I really wish they would have said something when it first started bothering them. Instead they lulled me into a false sense of security before stabbing me in the back. They knew all of my secrets. I would have sacrificed my life for them without a second thought. They were my support when my world was crumbling around me. But in that THEY became my world. So when my world suddenly left me I was nothing. I just floated around in a haze for months.

At least I learned early on how disposable I am, hm?

Merralada Merralada
18-21, F
2 Responses Feb 14, 2010

Well, it's been four years since this has happened. A lot in my life has changed, and because of Ashley and Michele's cruelty I now have my best friend and my fiance. Ashley, Michele, and I have reconciled. Ashley and I are actually friends again. Nothing like we were before of course, but we've hung out. Michele and I are on speaking terms and actually I was one of the few to get through to her to console her when her best friend died in a car accident. <br />
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Everything happens for a reason I suppose. I'm a little sad remembering how things happened in this situation, but I don't regret the things that have happened since.

i hate when friends do that, you feel so alone during that time, before you get a hold of yourself. honestly i dont think it was your fault, we all have issues but we dont know them if no one tells us, so they should have told you instead of ditching you. well now you know how you are and can find friends that like you for youl