Lost a Child

I already had one child - a son. He was one and a half.

I became pregnant again, and this pregnancy was different from the beginning. No morning sickness - severe and terrible migraines.

I didn't want this baby. From the minute I found out I was pregnant - I knew I could not do this with my husband again.

My home life was already bad - but I tolerated it.

I heard the heartbeat - saw my child on the monitor. Every week since I was high risk.

After 4.5 months of carrying this child and being on medications, I went to see my OB. I was seeing him weekly.

I finally accepted the fact that yes - I am going to be a mom again. And I was happy - I could do this.

I knew something was wrong this week - I had no headache - at all. I cried every day.

No heartbeat.

 

I think a part of me died that day too.

I finally loved this little child - from a man that I was so cruel, but he was my husband, I picked him.

And now the child was gone.

 

I went to the hospital with my mom the next day to have a D&C. My dad watched my son. My husband was out drinking. He didn't come home.  I somehow know this is the way he dealt with it - by himself. But god, that hurt so much. I needed him again - he wasn't there. I had gotten used to this, and I am still used to people not being there.

The next blow was given by the surgical nurse. My paperwork stated I was in for a D&C at 4.5 months. She assumed I was having an abortion. She asked me if the baby had a heartbeat. I said no, the doctor did an exam. She urged me to have one more look before this procedure. I started crying - I couldn't see this again.  God - I knew that I was the reason my baby died. Even thought the doctor assured me it was not my fault, things happened - it just new it was me. My mom lost it - she firmly told the nurse that she needed to leave and not come back. Looking back on this I really thank my mom - she has always been there, you know?? She held my back, and rubbed my hair.  

 

When this was done - I cried all day - and all night.

 

This was the first definitive day where the love for my ex died. I needed him - he wasn't there.

 

I continually question if God punished me. did he punish me for NOT wanting this child?? Did he punish me for NOT loving and caring for my husband as I should have?? Was this to show me that life is precious, and not to take it for granted?? 

 

So many things were triggered in my life from this event.

This tiny precious little boy that I lost. I still think of him - mostly around Christmas since this is the time I lost him.

I have a hole in my heart - that to this day - I can't fill.

Nothing takes this place - nothing makes it better.

So yeah - my views and thoughts changed drastically after this day.

I fell into a deep depression - and I still have some issues from it. I hated myself, truly and deeply hated myself for not wanting my baby. This is the hardest feeling I have ever dealt with.

But I know that I need to put my son first now - and love him each second.

I know that I need to live on - and that the relationship between husband and I was not good for our son, or the unborn baby, or myself. No one was happy with the addictions and dysfunction.

I learned that life is precious - and babies are a gift - a true gift.

 

I am learning a little bit of forgiveness - for myself mostly. That is why when I come on this site, and I see women who have had miscarriages and abortions - I am the LAST person who will judge them.

The only message I can provide to you from this experience is: please don't judge a person so fast. 

You have no idea what situation or emotions they are going through.

No matter how nasty or mean you can be by ridiculing a person on an abortion or any other situation - that woman is going to be 100 times harder on herself that you will EVER be. Believe me - I live this, every day. It hurts more than I can express here.

 

MizzBlue72 MizzBlue72
36-40, F
2 Responses Mar 21, 2009

Thank you very much -- worse defining moment of my life.

cariages happen every day. this wasnt your fault. dont blame yourself-hugs