I Dreamt My Misscariage/abortion

This past February I had to choose the hardest thing I've ever done in my life to abort my Bby so my parents wouldn't be even more dissapointed in me n disown me again...I was thinking about it over n over again . It was a constant thing in my head. One night I went to bed feeling a little odd but didn't think anything of it . I dreamed that I was getting up to go pee n wen I got to the bathroom I had my Bby on the floor I was only 4-5 months pregnant n I saw my little boy on the floor wrapped in the umbilical cord n there's was blood everywhere . I yelled for my mother in law to come help me . She picked up my Bby n rushed us to the hospital , at the hospital I was crying n praying to go "please god please don't take my Bby from me! Please dont take him from me." than the dr comes in n tells me he's a healthy Bby boy u can take him home . I held him in my arms n couldn't stop staring. He was so beautiful . Wen we got to the house there was a girl who kept trying to take my Bby . I couldn't see her face but I ran to the room n grabbed my Bby than the girl tried to chase us , she had a knife . She wanted to kill my Bby . I ran through hallways crying n than she was in front of me . I looked at her n it was me .. I stop there in shock! It was the good me protecting my Bby from the bad me who wanted to too murder my Bby. I woke up the next morning n I went to court I had a stomach ache but I thougt it was just from my jeans being to tight web I got home I sat down n started watching tv while drinking my pop than I got up to go pee all of a sudden I felt myself get wet I went to the bathroom n was afraid to look down at my underware web I looked down I saw blood i was so scared ! I kept thinking "wait dust I dream this last night !" next thing i know I'm calling my mother in law to come help me . She rushed me to the hospital n They did an ultrasound his heart beat wasnt normal they let me go home n told me to be prepared. That's web I decided to get an abortion . To help him leave n too make it go away so my parents wouldn't find out . Now I regret it n wih I had given him a chance . I'm so ******* stupid :,,(
ForgiveMe10 ForgiveMe10
18-21, F
1 Response May 8, 2012

I had the dream the night before the next day it happened. I know I have to move but it's so hard.. Idk how to get it out of my head .. It's always there n it drives me insane Cus I wanna take it back do bad ,but I can't . It's a horrible feeling .:( I said my parents would disown me because they did the first time I got pregnant at 17 n they shut me out. My mom never really payed attention to me so I really didn't care but my dad . He's the one I love n he's the one I dissapointed the most he shut me out wouldn't talk too me anymore ,wouldn't hug me anymore he just ignored me completely. Him n my mom would jut talk bad about me like If I had committed a crime . I was alone wen I was pregnant I didn't have anyone n I really needed my dad. After my daughter was born me n her dad started to fight a lot but I kept telling myself that I would not give up. I would not be another teen girl with a Bby n no father for my Bby. So I kept strong . Till he he started abusing me . So j left him n he got in to drugs . Then I met anothe guy.. U know.. The typical story always looking for love in the wrong places . He just used me . He lied too me he was nothing but a druggie . Alwaying smoking meth n stealing . I didn't want that around my daughter . So I left him tha I found I was pregnant . There was. I way I was going to dissapointed my dad even more n tell him I ha gotten pregnant by a druggie thief . I know it was my fault. I know I should of stepped up n taken care of my responsibility . But I was scared to be a single teen a mother of 2 . 2 didferent dads . I haven't finished school yet n no job ! N no place to go . Most of the time I would have to find different places for me n my daughter to stay . I felt bad dragging my little girl around from place to place but what I could I do. There was no way I'd be bringing another Bby into this world to this.. I could of hosen adoption n I wish I would have done that but at the time I didn't wan that Bby to be born at all. Till after I had the abortion than I really opened my opened my eyes to what happened . N I regretted it right away . My parents don't even know about my pregnancy or my abortion. They just wonder n ask y I'm always so down n depressed . Sometimes I wanna fire at them n tell them y. But I'm scared too do tht too. I hunk its just the fact that I been keeping it a secret is what's eating at me more n more . I really feel like a murderer I killed an innocent life n hid he evidence . I wonder if this what a killer feels like ...

By the way u sound like an amazing mom. I wish my mother was more like you .