Found A Picture Today

I was going through some of my old pictures today. I found a picture of Bekka. She was playing her guitar for an audience with myself and another friend at Minnesota Teen Challenge. 

I taught her how to play guitar. She wrote a song that would have made the charts had it ever been recorded.

I loved that girl. It is hard to think about it now. I cry sometimes. I am angry sometimes. Right now I just feel confusion and anger and sorrow all at once, fighting back tears, though it has been many years now.

I remember the phone call.

"Did you hear about Bekka?"


"Oh... well, um.... she committed suicide-"

I miss her. I found her death record online, and I look at it sometimes. It doesn't seem real. She lived so far away... South Dakota. I was in Wisconsin. I wish so much that she would have called, that she would have talked to me. I have attempted suicide many times, but never with a gun. She had apparently shot herself in the head while locked in her dad's bedroom.

I miss her so much.

Her family was so screwed up-  I don't blame her for using drugs or getting in trouble with the law. She was in pain, and trying desperately to overcome it. The legal system is messed up. They could have helped her, instead of pushing and pushing and pushing.

There was pressure from her family, a broken home with problems. She had pressure from the law. She had pressure from herself for not becoming the person she really wanted to be. The pressure turned out to be too much, and instead of turning her into a diamond, it caused her to find a quick exit, and leave us all here to grieve. 

Bekka, I miss you. I still love you. And, I hope beyond hope that I will see you in heaven. I don't care what some people think about people not going to heaven for taking their own life- I know who you were when you were well in your mind and soul. You were a beautiful artist and musician, and when I listed to the tape recording of you singing back in TC, I still cry.

If I could have you back, you would be welcome to live here with me. I would make you your favorite supper, and we could walk in the gardens in he sun and play music by the fire at night.
Starlatheimmortal Starlatheimmortal
22-25, F
Jul 26, 2010