She Was 16 And I Think I Could Have Helped Her

My best friend commited suicide a week ago. I miss her immensely. She had such a bright mind, she was the smartest person I ever knew. She was interested in lots of things. She was learning Norwegian, she wanted to become a historian. She could have a great life yet she chose to kill herself at the age of 16. I can't understand why she did it.
What's more, I can't help but think that it's all my fault. She talked to me about commiting suicide but I didn't take it seriously at the time. She was behaving strangely the previous month. The last few weeks I had this nagging feeling that something was wrong with her, but I chose to ignore it. I even had these flashing thoughts about how she may be planning to take her own life. You know, these horrifying thoughts that you try not to pay attention to and shove them somewhere in the subconscious only to recall them when what you had suspected already happened and it's too late. I'm a horrible friend and I think all the time that maybe I could have helped her, but I was too busy sulking about my own problems to notice hers.
The worst of all, we were in quarrel when she commited suicide. I was too stubborn and arrogant and thought that maybe we would simply forget it soon. Only we won't now, and I don't even remember when I spoke to her last time. On top of that, it was not even a proper quarrel. She just told me that I was a bad friend and she didn't want to be friends with me anymore. I was so frustrated when it happened. Yet when she died I recalled a story she had written about a year ago (she was also a writer, yeah). It was about this girl who was slowly dying from disease and deliberately deserted all her friends because she thought it would be easier for them that way to let her go. I can't help but think, maybe that's why she stopped talking to me. Maybe she thought it would be easier for me. Only it's not.
I miss her terribly and I feel like I'm too young to lose friends and I didn't even apologise to her because I thought I had time. I guess, you never know.
Sorry about possible mistakes, English is not my first language. I just feel like I have to write it all down and maybe it will really become easier.      
KnivesnCarnations KnivesnCarnations
18-21, F
Jan 9, 2013