I Don't Know What To Think

I haven't written anything in a very long time, and it feels strange to start again.

I found out yesterday that a good friend ended her life. The part that surprises me is I'd only known her for half a year, and I only saw her for a few weeks of that time. I had traveled to China for the summer to teach a few SAT classes, and she was one of my brightest students. Although things didn't come naturally to her, I thought that she worked and fought for what she wanted. I was also only a year older than most of them so we connected more as friends, often hanging out with the whole class outside of the classroom.

After I returned to states, I didn't keep much in contact with her. I've been in a long distance relationship for a while and my girlfriend suspected that I was emotionally cheating behind her back, especially with her. I didn't dare to overstep so I responded to her Merry Christmases and Happy new years with the simplest of pleasantries. It’s only now that I regret not being there for her. I always knew she had family problems but its China, who doesn’t. She seemed so happy on the outside.
I was one of the first people to find out, before her classmates were told, before anyone had written her obituary. At first I felt extremely sad and frustrated, but a day later, it’s just a constant dull pain. If I think about her, it gets much worse, but if I don’t then everything I do to distract myself is overshadowed by the thought of her. The worst part is I have no one to talk to about this. My girlfriend was also her teacher, and she grieves as well. I see all of her friends and classmates posting their thoughts, but they’re all in China, and they will help each other. I feel like such an outsider with no one to turn to so I can share my thoughts. I don’t know what will happen, maybe this is too recent, but I don’t think I will get over this for a very long time. I know people usually say you shouldn’t feel guilty and you couldn’t have done anything, but the thought is there, and I feel empty inside for not catching on.
I miss you Grace, I wish I could’ve been there these past few months, I wish I could’ve seen the signs and helped you. I can’t imagine what you were thinking before you did it, I don’t know if you realized how many people you would hurt. There are no words to describe what I feel, but what’s done is done, as much as I wish it wasn’t. I’ll always remember you and the good times we had. May you rest in peace.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Axic Axic
1 Response Jan 11, 2013

That is thought; you wonder what goes through a person's mind before they commit suicide. It must be a world of pain, confusion, fear, and feeling compressed. I would not never know the feeling until I go through it.