It Was Actually My Late Fiancee

It was a long time ago and I still blame myself. He did it three months before our wedding NOTE this was many many years ago. He was almost twenty years my senior and was a chemist. He took potassium cyanide at his home and was not found for three days..  We had our first arguement after several years and I didn't baby him this time and he went home and did it.  I loved him so much-he was my first love and to this date my only. I am still single, no kids and live alone with a dog, cat and a tank full of fish. I am making light of it, but it still hurts to this day. He had asked me what I would do if he committed suicide at dinner one night and I said I would do the same thing.   I tried the following year on the anniversary date of his death but for some reason God spared me because I should be dead. I still sort of think it was my fault because if I had said "what's the matter or come on or something" he would not have done it that day. It was a Mothers Day back then. Maybe he would have never done it but I will never know. Since he was from England, his ashes were taken back there after the funeral here in the US. His family asked me if I wanted him buried here and I said no. I had none him several years but they were his sisters and brothers and father and that he should be burried in England. Did I make a mistake? I always wonder about that. I really would have liked him burried here but it seemed so selfish. He hadn't even seen those family members in over 15 or so years and considered himself seperated from his family. Anyways just felt like talking about him I guess. To make matters worse I keep our picture in the China cabinet in my living room and always wonder what if he never did it and we married, what would things be like now. Would he still have done it at a later time or would I have. God, that's a really tough one to think about.

dreamcatcherj dreamcatcherj
70+, F
Mar 13, 2010