I Found Out My Husband Was Gay

I have been married for 13 years, with 3 children, twins of 9 and a 7 year old. I have felt my marriage was wrong for the past 6 years but somehow stayed for the sake of my children. New Years Eve 6 years ago was the first time I noticed another man and the attention he paid me. Although nothing came of this night, I found myself in a huge decline for the next 6 months. My husband (who was in therapy) came home one night and told me he thought he was gay. We discussed his sexuality and I advised that he should explore this properly at the same time I put forward an argument for him being hetrosexual. I am sure at the time there was an element of survival my kids were 1 and 3 and I truely hoped he was wrong. My husband decided that my arguement was right and he was indeed hetrosexual. The subject was never discussed or brought up again.

2 years ago I found myself ever more unhappy and I explained to my husband that our lack of intimacy and sex life was really bothering me. I asked him if he wanted to stay in a relationship with me and if he wanted the same things. He assured me that he loved me and did want the same. So I put my feelings of lonliness and longing behind me and tried to work at our marriage. This became unbearable this year. I could no longer bear the pain I felt. I would look at friends and see their intimacy, I could hear how they spoke about each other and I could see romance - all things that were lacking from my relationship. I decided that the time had come for me to return to therapy. My husband, was of course immediately aware that things were dire and asked me if this was the beginning of the end. I explained that I didn't know, but that I needed to look at our relationship to see what was wrong and why I was so unhappy. I asked him outright if he was gay and he said no.

8 days later we went for a drink. My husband said he couldn't lie to me and that yes he was gay. He also told me my divorce settlement on the same night!!

I find myself heartbroken and destroyed. I have subsequently found out that he has been on a dating site for the past 18 months looking for men. All his correspondence contains lies. He has for the past years written me emails blaming me for the problems in our marriage. He told me I was having a mid life crises. And he told me if I hadn't brought things to a head he would have carried on as we were. I find it impossible to live with the deceit and his clear lack of care for me. Since he has left I have been discarded like an old doll. He is unkind and unsympathetic. The sense of devastation I feel is like nothing I have ever experienced. I blame myself, I am furious with him for his lies. I feel cheated out of my family life - my kids are my world and not seeing them every other weekend is dire. I feel I am being punished for something I could not change.

I feel for my husband that he could not come out, but feel the train wreckage and destruction he has caused to 4 innocent lives is unforgiveable.
delano1303 delano1303
41-45, F
10 Responses Sep 29, 2010

I know this is an old post, but I feel like I need to respond. I grew up close to two families where the dads came out. In one, the mom was pissed - one kid went with the dad and the other went with the mom. They were divided until one of the kids had a kid. Then they reunited and spend all of their holidays together. It's amazing. They get along so well now. In the other case, the mom found out cuz the dad was arrested for solicitation in our local park. She made an arrangement with him that he could move into the guest room, they told their kids who were teens at the time, and he could do what he wanted as long as he never brought anyone home and didn't get arrested again. Well, shortly after, he got arrested again. So she told him he had to leave. But they stayed very close. Recently the mom died. The dad and the kids were there together as they'd been throughout the years. I just hope you had a positive resolution to this and that you have managed to strike a situation where everyone's needs are being met, especially the kids.

I feel so much pain for you. I married a man who was a "good friend". He was funny Nd helpful?...until there were children. But he was always more Attentive to his mother and abusive father. They came first. He was in sales and on the road a lot. Would come home "tired" so sex only happened 2 times a month and begrudgingly. He liked to talk alot. Chatter, gossip, speculation....almost a stalling tactic to having sex. He also liked to eat and we had a "fat pact". We could both eat and get fat with no emotional consequences....but there were consequences just the same. After gastric bypass surgeries we are slim middle aged and attractive but he still didn't want me. I went ballistic at his avoidance. We are in therapy but I know he is gay. He just can't admit it while his father is alive.

All you wives angry at your gay husbands will never know what it's like to grow up in a society that doesnt accept you for who you are. Society says we have to live a certain way and fit into a certain mold, and for fear of being rejected, many gay men live by societal norms. It is just as painful for the husband as it is for you that he can't reveal and be open about his true self. You feel hurt that he has lied to you and that's understandable, but think about the hurt he feels having to live his entire life as a lie.

You seriously must be kidding when you say "think about the hurt he feels having to live his entire life as a lie". No! How about he thinks about the hurt feelings he has caused. I too have discovered that my husband is gay. I have gone througj shame, anger, hurt, disappointment, self-hate, frustration, etc. I loved him so deeply and I still love him, but I don't know if I will between to completely forgive him for lying to me, deceiving me, using me, abusing me, and taking away from me the chance to have been with a man who would have loved me the way I should have been loved.

What society has done is not us wives fault. I just don't understand why these men choose to marry?? I have asked my husband that many, many times. It makes me feel like an idiot for believeif the things he told me. It makes me question EVERY single word, action and experience. Now a decade and 2 kids later, I am in an ugly place. I have devoted my life to him. I have tried everything and anything to make him happy. I truly hate myself.

Most wives that find themselves in these situations

I feel the same way, I'm hurt

Most wives that find themselves in These situations did not ask or choose them. why should we show compassion or understanding or love or devotion or patience or caring or whatever?? Did these men have those things in their mind or heart when they chose to marry us? Do these men have it in their heart or mind when they chose to just continue dragging us along until WE have to be the one to do something about it!? Stand up!! If you believe you have rights, fight for them. Free us!! Don't just wait for us to be the strong one and end it!! Step up and do it! Go and have the relationship that you want and allow us the possibility of knowing or having the love and relationship we want or deserve!

Sweetgirl, hope you are finally managing to find some peace in your life now? I am a man who after 20years of marriage and 3 children, came out as gay and I hope that hearing it from my side of the fence can help you.
I can fully understand the torture and pain you have had to live, but PLEASE do not blame yourself or try to go mad trying to work out what and why it fell apart. After FINALLY admitting to myself that I am a gay man, I've been able to reflect on my life growing up, highschool, meeting my future wife etc.
Yes, I realize NOW that I had always been gay but back then it was something I would not, could not identify with or act on. I was teased in primary and highschool for being too sensitive, too caring. You must be a poofter, *** etc. this hurt me deeply and I became so ashamed. If I ever (for example) see a good looking guy, I would bury those thoughts and feelings so deep down and hoped they'd never ever surface. So I met this great girl, who I loved spending time with, going out with and always having such great times.
Without having to think very hard, I travelled that path. Marry and start a family. This is what I must do for myself and my friends (and thought I wanted to do, more than anything).
But sadly as the years progressed, my true feelings and my true self could no longer be suppressed.
During the last 4 or 5 years of our marriage, I became severely depressed, just could not understand what was happening to me and why????. The turning point for me was having my 15 year old son find me naked on the bathroom floor, semi conscious after overdosing on Valium.
It was then I started to seek help.

I see now that this was my cry for help, my cry to be the person I was born to be. But I still kept saying to myself "I can not leave, what about my kids? My wife did not work, how would she survive?"

For obvious reasons, our marriage was on a fast downward spiral. My wife actually asked me a few times during the last 12 months, "are you Gay? If you are, it's fine. We will always be best friends"
I denied it each time, for me all of those schoolyard bullying, name calling and shame etc just came flooding back!

So due to the fact that we were making each other totally miserable, I left.
I slept and lived in my car for several weeks, driving past our house and seeing the lights on, crying and sobbing uncontrollabley.

Jumping ahead 6 months, I started to get my "****" together. Got my own place to rent and met this fantastic guy at a club. 4 months after this, he moved in with me. When my wife discovered this, she was SO happy for me and we even joked and laughed about it.

I week later, it all changed. Her embarrassment, shame and hurt hit her big time. She was screaming at me. " You wasted my life" all I could do was cry also saying that I was so sorry, I never meant to hurt you.

That was nearly 3 years ago now. I'm still with the same guy and very much in love and finally true to myself, as if such a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Unfortunately things got bad to worse (and beyond) with my wife. She has turned all my children against me and has become the nastiest person I have ever known or heard of.

So what I wish for you to understand is NOT to blame yourself. It's is not your fault and it is not his fault!
It is just unfortunately one of those complex learning curves that do hurt and cut you to the bone, but as they say, life goes on, make the most of it, life is WAY too short!!!!

Take Care,

Mic Xxx

mic , let me explain something to you. women age faster than men. so , by the time you realized you were gay , she was too old to find another meaningful relationship. let alone she lost trust in men...second , the kids are staying with their mother. so men will avoid commitment.
while you cuddle your fantastic guy , she will be alone and destroyed.
yes, it is your fault .

And here I thought I was being honest, diplomatic and hopefully helpfull. You should NOT judge so harsly and make assumptions on my situation without knowing ALL the facts!
I wanted to try and help this lady in giving her a view from my experience and your attack on me is unnessasary and untrue.
She is now with a woman, so maybe you should not be so defensive and jump to conclusions.

Lets pop that subjective bubble from 2013

i am facing the predicament one step further than coming out as gay - understanding myself as bisexual and being unable to reconcile my want of men with my long term relationship with loving fiancee and young child

the pain of coming out in this fashion isn't just the years if denying self - which for me manifests as anxiety, depression, and being a somewhat verbally abusive POS - cycles that i don't want to continue for a start.

but while the partner of the one coming out is betrayed, feels used, like there is something wrong, the partner coming out has to not only deal with their own denial, AND the fact that they have betrayed, used, been the one wrong all along.

so while my heart goes out to those dealing with the gay/bi partner, you need to remember that
1) we are separate entities to you,

My bad, hit post:

2) our sexuality is independent of you
3) our sexuality exists all along, there's no "gay day" switch

and finally, 4)

I'm not bi to hurt my partner. I'm did not enter our relationship to hurt her with my bisexuality, it wasn't a selection - the worst thing that happened to it was being sexually assaulted by men when i was a teenager.

to paraphrase Malcolm X, "We didn't land on our sexuality, our sexuality landed on us."

"3) our sexuality exists all along, there's no "gay day" switch"

right , but our sexuality exists too and plays a huge part in our self esteem (unfortunately) and our gay/bi partners switch it off.
marrying an unsuspecting partner is like taking hostages. i mean sincerity is the easy way.
what you are is not hurting anybody . for example , my husband is a wonderful human being , gay or bi or straight , whatever he might be.

She's broken and your not ... Bc of you I was looking for a happy ending for both but I guess like you say life goes on

Understandable, but its just so unfair to involved unknown participants

8 More Responses

I found out more than 20 years ago that my husband was gay and I was going to leave him but he threatened suicide and we had 2 small children and he promised me that he loved me more than anything else and he was my world. I loved my little family and wanted to keep it together so I stayed. <br />
Over the years there have been so many men, lies, etc. I really can't believe I didn't leave him then. <br />
But I am now because hes added alcoholism to the mix. He blames me for everything even thou I stuck by him through all his affairs, his multiple dui's, etc. He too said I brought this to a head and that would could have gone on as we had been. I haven't let him touch me in more than 10 years maybe more. And he wonders why I have to leave now. I'm so embarassed and ashamed that 've waited this long. <br />
I ccompletely understand the hurt, anger and the devastation you are feeling. Know that your not alone.

I find out about 2 years ago. My husband fall in love with another man online. (But after two years he say he think it is just a fantasy and not real he do not love him but love me.) And confess he think he is bi. But a year later he say that he is gay. We are married for almost 11 years and have two beautifull boys. He also say that he want to tell me the truth about himself. I feel lost and also unloved. I do not trust him, feels that he hids stuff from me now. I find it also difficult to trust him with online friends. <br />
I know how you must feel and what you are going through.

Hi Jay, I'm a writer researching how gay people cope with straight marriage and the effect on their wives/husbands. Would you be interested in doing an interview? I'd really love to hear about your experience.

Hey, I am interested to help if you would like..

Will this be on here?? on EP??

my husband didn't come out but i have evidence and a strong belief that he is gay or atleast bi. our marriage of 6 years had it's ok moments but he also had a drinking problem, never communicated, was not kind to me and didn't want a second child that i so desired so when i discovered he had an odd relationship w another man that was it. we are now separated and it's been very hard...especially since we have a young child. i'm struggling w many things...why this happened to me but the hardest thing is looking at my child and thinking how in the hell did this happen b/c no child should have to deal w such a screwed up situation. i'm so angry. how could someone live such a deceitful lie and ruin so much. very sad....never saw myself at the age of 32 having to deal w this bs. hope life gets better at some point.

WOW and here I thought I was alone...I was married for 18 yrs am 40 to my high school sweetheart and three yrs ago I divorced him..I couldnt live with the lies....I just cant get over it :(

I told my wife in the begging how I was, we have 8 year now together and still strong. I hate when those other guys out there are not honest to their wife from the get go and then wait till kids are in the mix to finally be honest (this applies to the ones who knew all along).

Hello, I'm Rhian, and I'm a writer looking at homosexuality in straight marriages. I'd really love to hear about how you and your wife interact and live together, would you be interested in doing an interview?

Sure... I suppose.

Google cuckold and see how others live with this situation.

i feel your pain. i found out 2 months ago my husband was gay. the lies and deciet are the hardest to deal with. however my husband unlije yours has been nicer to me qnd regrets his lies. i dont know whats gonna happen but knowing others are out there helps. tthanks for sharing remember its not your fault dont give him the power sincerely melissa

Hi Melissa, I'm a writer looking at spouses who come out while they're married. Would you be interested in doing an interview?