I had a great day today. My first day of teaching since before summer vacation. It was great to see my students again. We had the usual small talk about what they had been doing during the summer etc, and then we played guitar. And of course none of them had practiced during the vacation, but summer vacation is the favourite vacation for kids. And playing guitar is still just an activity often connected with school, so you can't really expect much more of them.
I was most pleased with my own health. Usually going back to work, makes my social anxiety creep up on me and it usually makes my have these panic attacks, with shortness of breath and eventually I end up puking (not during work, but usually when I'm about to go to work). And usually that lasts for the first three months, before I get accustomed to the whole process of having to go to work.
I think mainly it has to do with the fact that I have nothing to do during summer vacation and the vacation itself is too long. So I get out of practice and suddenly I have anxiety like crazy, when I have to be around people again all day long.
But last week was surprisingly a good one. We met the parents for the first time, and I had to start the whole thing playing this Bach-piece without any introduction. And I did that three days in a row, with just the hint of natural nervousness that is to be expected when you're performing in front of a large crowd.
But it was all fun and I got great feedback from everybody who were attending, during those three days. And I was very surprised because usually something like that would have made me sick in a heartbeat.
Like last year, when my boss suddenly decided that all the teachers were supposed to sing this complicated a Capella version of Cohen's "Hallelujah". Well needless to say it went to ****. Very few of us could sing, and those who couldn't didn't want to (but still had to) and obviously that whole experience made my social anxiety go nuts that whole week. It was a disastrous start of what was supposed to be the beginning of a promising new year. And after it was all over we just wondered why we couldn't play instruments instead, when in fact we KNEW how to do that (and to do it well too), and knew very little about singing.
Well because of that dreadful experience which at one point made me speechless (I actually was so nervous I couldn't sing, only pretend), it took most of that fall to get back on track.
This year I think my boss learned from that mistake and instead gave me the option of doing something that I actually knew how to do well. And on top of that I've been in therapy since November 2013, so I'm guessing the combination of the two, made this past week a pleasant and fun experience. And also today.
I still feel fine. I still don't feel anxious. And I still don't feel like I have to puke, because of my anxiety. Because my anxiety hasn't appeared yet.
Tomorrow I'm even going to perform again. Because of the success of last week, I'm playing Bach again, for some politicians at City Hall. And I'm actually looking forward to it. And so are they, since my boss has given them a few hints about my accomplishments on the violin.
It didn't even bug me today that the damn fire alarm went off. My students just found it fun and exciting that the whole fire department came crashing down on us. And I was most certainly NOT prepared for that to happen today, when I prepared for work. But I had no problem controlling that situation either.
Now I'm just laying back on the couch. Feeling good about myself. Just about to push play on the "new" Captain America movie. Didn't manage to see it at the cinema, as my social anxiety wouldn't let me. And too bad to, since it's my favourite Marvel hero. But what better way to end this more or less, perfect day.
I had a great day today, and I'm so happy!!
Skywalker1979 Skywalker1979
36-40, M
Aug 25, 2014