My Father Was Financially And Personally Abusive And My Mother Just Let Him

From my earliest, only-child infancy I had a sense that our family was not quite, right, not quite as other families.  And I have happy memories of being dumped at my grandmother's house without either parent.  I'm the eldest of three and I started at infants school just before my next sister was born.  My mother couldn't seem to cope with anything - she was horribly apathetic and my father used to shout at her, totally exasperated by her hopeless lethargy.  She forced my feet into new shoes she bought for me without taking me for a fitting - and the teachers at school loaned me the school's gym shoes because the shoes were crippling me.   (Same thing happened to both my little sisters, when their turn came)

When I was a young teenager the only clothes I owned were my school uniform, which was odd considering that my father owned and ran a shop that sold clothes (admittedly the sort of clothes old ladies wore).  So I even went on holiday in my school skirt and blouse (minus the tie of course).  They criticised me for my friends, for mixing with the poor kids but they didn't give me the means to mix as an equal with the posh, well dressed girls who got pocket money and clothes.

I was so unhappy that I vowed to kill myself if I hadn't managed to leave home at 18, and I really would have done it, too.  I was going to take Paracetamol and hide in the loft.  I never felt loved although I'm thinking that I must have been because I can feel love.  But my only real ambition in life was to get the hell away from my parents, and I did, and I've been happy ever since
damselfly damselfly
56-60, F
2 Responses Jul 9, 2011

This resonates with me.Concerning your mother it is quite possible the your father broke her spirits.Some people cave in under abuse early in the piece,or he chose her because she was easy to control and this aggravated an already weak personality.I am glad you have been happy since leaving your parents,I hope you are still in touch with your siblings. I could never quite get over the sad experiences of my childhood and sadly I had siblings that were also mean to me,one has passed away and I do not mourn him and the other I have nothing to do with.I have great friends though. Biological family means nothing to me.

I barely ever see my sisters now. I'm vaguely friendly with the youngest, but the middle sister is a hopeless alcoholic, eaten up with envy

I had a wonderful family but I appreciate the problem you had with your clothes not matching those of your peers. It's no better being in the opposite situation! I had to wear stuff to School that was too dressy/fancy because Daddy didn't buy anything else for me and closely monitored what I wore. That caused trouble for me with other students. And the kind of trouble it caused was different at different ages in different grades. It's all very personal so I'll send it to you privately. Friends may ask me for my "Dress Pretty!" story.