Thought That I Wasn't Going To Make It.

So I do feel selfish writing my birth story because my daughter came out very healthy and happy, but I, however, still cry at night thinking about 'what if's' and asking God "why". I am still mourning the loss of an experience, if that makes sense.

I have to give you the backstory, or it won't make sense as to why this made me so upset.
Ever since I knew I wanted kids, I knew that I wanted a completely natural birth. My mom had my siblings and I natural, and I just felt like that was a part of becoming a mom. So, when I got pregnant with my daughter I planned to have her at a birth center with midwives to ensure that I could have the natural birth that I always wanted. I absolutely did not want a C-section. I did all my pre-natal care with the midwives until two weeks before my due date my blood pressure was reading high (140/80) so I got risked out of their care. Also, my baby was measuring very large despite the fact that I didn't have gestational diabetes or anything that would cause that. I was devastated by this news, and to have to choose a different doctor so close to my due date was not ideal.

I chose a local doctor that friends of mine suggested and he immediately offered me a C-section because of her size. I turned down his offer and told him how I have always wanted a natural birth. So, he said he wanted to induce me a week early because of her size. So, I reluctantly said yes. We then did an ultrasound at his office, and this one said that she would most likely be a 7 pound baby so I asked if I didn't have to be induced then. He said it wasn't just about her size, but also my blood pressure and my swelling could be causing my kidneys to be overworked. I was tested for pre-eclampsia, and I didn't have it, but he still wanted to induce me.

Eight days before my due date, induction day came...and 12 hours after being put on pitocin, nothing happened. I was starving, so they took me off pitocin and said we would try again the next day. Saturday morning at 8 am they induced me once again and this time, I started getting contractions. They tried breaking my water at 11, and it wouldn't break, but an hour later, they were able to break my water. By 5:00 pm, my contractions had absolutely no breaks in between them and they were unbearable. I was only dilated to a 5. That went on for an hour until I physically couldn't take it anymore so I asked for the epidural. Eight hours after they gave me the epidural, it was time to push! I was so excited at this point because, even though I didn't have the no-epidural birth that I wanted, I thought I would at least get to push my baby girl out! Up until this point, I didn't feel too upset about anything because I was going to push my baby out!

After an hour and a half of pushing, the doctor said that the baby was stuck and he was going to have to perform a C-section. I asked if I could still try and push more, and that's when the nurse said something that still haunts me till this day. She said "The doctor and I refuse to keep pushing with you, because we don't want your baby to die." After hearing that, I felt as though I had no other choice than to say yes to the C-section. After shedding tears with my husband and family (because they knew, too, that this is the exact opposite of what I wanted), they wheeled me into the operating room. Looking at the bright side, I thought that I would at least be able to have a V-BAC for my next children.
It gets worse...
Because of the 'good pushing' I did, Jaelynn (my daughter) was so stuck in the birth canal that the doctor was YANKING on her to get her out during the C-section. She wasn't budging and I heard him say that she wasn't coming out. This obviously freaked me out because I thought my baby was going to be stuck in there forever. He yelled for reinforcements and I could feel him tugging. He was tugging so hard that his back was all the way up by my face. He finally got her out and I got to meet my baby for the first time! That part was amazing. As I was kissing my baby's face I started to feel very light headed and I turned to the anesthesiologist to let him know. I saw my blood pressure on the screen next to me, and it was 80/35 at that point. No wonder I was feeling light headed. The doctor, who was usually calm, started screaming for another doctor to come in and yelling "We have to stop the bleeding". My vision got really blurry at that point and I remember looking at my daughter, who was being held by my husband, and thinking that I had to survive, she couldn't grow up without a mom! I started praying very hard that I wouldn't die because of this. I don't know if that was an overreaction on my part, but I truly thought I wasn't going to see my baby girl grow up. I felt compressions on my chest and I remember asking the doctor if they were doing CPR on me. The doctor that was beside me (the anesthesiologist) told me they were doing chest compressions because I lost a lot of blood.
I heard the sound of the surgical tools being tossed around as they were rushing to get everything stitched up so the bleeding would stop.

They got the bleeding and everything to stop and as he was stitching me up he told me that I will never be able to have a vaginal birth. He said that he doesn't even want me to have a contraction if I'm going to have more kids.

I later learned that a nurse had to go from 'below' and push Jaelynn's head as the doctor pulled because she was so stuck. As he was pulling her out, my uterus ripped almost all the way around because of her size and the amount of tugging.

My doctor said that he was very traumatized by this experience, as am I, and he said that he doesn't know if he can have me as a patient anymore because of it. The hospital changed their policy shortly after my birth, that they can't induce 7 days prior to someones due date unless there is IMMEDIATE danger to the mother or child. Also, the hospital is now under investigation because of the amount of C-sections that are performed there. Glad to know that my birth caused all of these changes, but it doesn't stop me from asking God why this had to happen to ME. Someone that was so dead set on having a natural birth, had to have a not only a C-section, but a very traumatizing C-section at that.

My baby was born 9 lbs 3 oz and 23 inches long. She was born on Sunday morning at 4:45 am. Nearly 2 days after being induced the first time. She is very healthy, didn't have jaundice, doesn't have any health problems. She is very healthy and I feel very blessed to have her. At the same time, I mourn the loss of the experience to have her the way God made us women to have children. I still ask myself "What could I have done differently." I replay everything in my head over and over again until I start breaking down in tears. I know that I should just get over it and be thankful that my baby is alive and well, but I haven't figured out how to just 'get over it'.
Jaelynnsmom Jaelynnsmom
3 Responses Dec 3, 2012

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I felt traumatized just reading it. That must have been beyond terrifying and beyond devastating for you.

My story is the complete opposite of yours, I really wanted a c-section and ended up with a horrific natural... Its been 16 months and I am still not over it...

I guess it shows that the ideal situation for one, is the worst situation for another. May I ask why it was so traumatizing?

I posted my story - "Natural is not so natural for all." I posted as anonymous, sorry it is a bit long but I had to get it all out. I really feel for you and am so sorry because I know exactly what it feels like, just sitting here thinking about it makes me want to cry. Think I might have to go see a therapist next week, just can't deal with it anymore...

Welcome to EP and thank you for writing your first story here!

I'm happy that your daughter is healthy and I hope you take this as a life lesson learned... we can't always have what we ask for, and sometimes we should accept the opinion of those who are more expert than we are - in your case, the doctor who immediately offered you a C-section...