My Miscarriage Story

I am 20 years old and this is the story about how i miscarried my baby.

I was 19 at the time..
On October 18th I went in to talk to my doctor about a birth control plan for me to get on so i won't worry about getting pregnant. We talked about my options and i chose the one i thought was best for me. I asked her for a pregnancy test just to make sure i wasn't pregnant and so we did one. I was late at the time but i didn't remember when my last period was due, I had all the pregnancy symptoms and i was praying it would come back negative and i told myself "i will never have unprotected sex again if it did" so the doctor came back and as she was sitting on her chair she asked me, "so did you know you are pregnant?" i was in complete shock and i broke down crying i couldn't stop crying and i kept asking her if she was sure its positive and she said she was sure its positive then asked me if i needed help telling my parents and i told her "no i could tell them" so i left. I remember walking out of the clinic crying and i was speechless. I got to the car and my parents saw there was something wrong with me and they asked and my mom as expected was freaking out thinking it was something serious so at that point i had no choice but to tell them i was pregnant. They were shocked but at the same time very accepting.

The next day my cousin made me an appointment at the Providence midwifery clinic and my appointment was scheduled for October 24th 2011. I cried for 3 days before i accepted my pregnancy and got happy, I talked to a friend of mine who also got pregnant at a young age also and i thought it would help talking to her so i did and she helped me a lot. I also started watching pregnancy vlogs on youtube and also some young mommy's were nice enough to share their story with me. After that i was very happy but scared about being pregnant. I started to plan things out for when the baby gets here, I decided which colors i want to paint the nursery, I chose blue if it was a boy and pink if it was a girl. I looked online to check out some cool ways to decorate a baby's room and i found a crib i wanted to buy and i remember thinking my dad would never buy it because it was too expensive but to me my baby deserved the world and no amount of money was to much for him/her.

On the day of my OB appointment i went in and i asked the midwives for another pregnancy test just to make sure i was really pregnant, at the time i still couldn't believe it. So I got it done and i was sitting and talking to one of the midwives about the pregnancy and my results came back and the lady from the lab shouted from the door "Yup, she's very pregnant" in those exact words and it made me smile. I then did a pelvic exam and my doctor checked my uterus and said it has gotten a lot bigger then expected, but it was all the way to the left side of my stomach and it was supposed to be in the middle. She said its most likely just the way i was born but she wanted to be sure it was nothing more so she scheduled me an appointment for the 28th of October so i spent that week totally stressing out and worrying "what if something is wrong with my baby and it wouldn't survive?" I didn't even sleep at night from how worried i was. So the day of my ultrasound comes and i am really nervous i felt like i was gonna get sick in the waiting room. They called me in and during the ultrasound i heard the babies heart beat and i saw my uterus and where baby was and all that good stuff. She printed a picture for me and gave it to me and at the end of my ultrasound i asked the radiologist if my baby was gonna be ok and she said only my doctor can tell me that, that made me really nervous but i was feeling better because i knew if there was something serious they wouldn't have me go home but i still felt a little nervous. I waited for my doctor to call me but she sent me a letter telling me that everything was okay and the baby was very healthy, that was the biggest relief ever i seriously felt a big weight was lifted off my shoulders and i was in complete baby mode, i was very very happy and my life at the time seemed absolutely perfect, i thought there was nothing more i could ever ask for everything was PERFECT! I called the midwives and they told me i was 7 weeks and my due date was June 30th 2012. The only problem was my baby's dad wasn't around at the time, he was out of the country. It made me upset that he didn't come home when i told him i was pregnant but i understood why he didn't come home right away and i tried not to let it bother me that he was gone. A week later on November 4 2011 I started spotting and i went to the hospital to see if anything was up and they did a pelvic exam and they checked to see if my cervics was closed and it was and they sent me home with papers that said i was in for a threatened miscarriage, and told me to follow up with my OB doctor. The next morning i had really bad cramps and felt wet so i went to the bathroom and i looked and i was bleeding so i go to my room and i was shaking really really hard and i was crying i remember i sat on my bed and i was holding the paper that had the number for the midwives on it and i was shaking so hard so i couldn't see the paper i was to shaky to keep still and read the paper so i set it down with the phone in front of me and i took a deep breath and tried to relax and told myself its probably nothing. I was finally calm enough to call them and i did and they asked me to explain the symptoms i was having and i remember the midwife on the phone told me in these exact words "This is a miscarriage" and hearing those words tore me to pieces, it felt like someone stabbed me in my heart really hard and i broke down crying. My mom wasn't making it easy on me she wanted me to go to the hospital but the midwives told me that i didn't need to unless i was bleeding heavily and i wasn't so we ended up having a fight that same morning. I was bleeding lightly for a couple days and then it started bleeding clots and then the sack came down and the baby in it. I had my 2 month appointment that day and i tried to cancel it but they told me to come in for testing on that day so i went in and i saw the same girl i saw at my first appointment and she was just as far along as i was and i remember seeing her and her mom and she was happy and i remember thinking "why couldn't i have been that lucky?" I was happy for her but at the same time it hurt me so bad that i didn't have that anymore but i tried my best to stay positive that day. All my tests came back good and my hormone level was back to normal.

I been suffering from depression since then and i often blame myself for what happened. I constantly have dream about my baby some really sad i wake up in the middle of the night crying and i had no one to hold me and tell me it was gonna be ok. All my friends were online friends and my baby's dad wasn't around. My dad would find me sitting alone and crying and he always said to me "I see how hurt you are and it kills me that i can't take it away" he still tells me i don't seem as happy as i used to be. I never actually went to him and cried because i felt to ashamed i didn't appreciate my baby when i first found out i was pregnant.

My baby is supposed to be born next month on June 30th 2012.
Sorry if i made this long but i finally feel ready to share my story and i hope it will help someone that has to go through it or went through it to know that they are not the only ones and they are not alone.
evolangell evolangell
18-21, F
1 Response May 17, 2012

I'm sorry I know how it feels..