Was Just About 10 Weeks..

It seemed to happen so fast too..  One minute, I couldn't wait to go tot he doc to get another little picture of my first baby growing inside me! I'd had several ultrasounds before due to a bicornuate uterus.  So far, everything seemed to be perfectly fine!  When she did the ultrasound, she couldn't find the baby.  I broke down right then and there... she ordered a more in depth ultrasound at the hospital, but they confirmed what she had already thought.  I was losing the baby.   My whole world came crashing down on me.  All I've ever wanted was to have a baby and be a mom.  Before I got pregnant, I'd been going to an OB/GYN for infertility. That doc told me straight up that I wasn't going to get pregnant on my own due to my mis-shaped uterus and PCOS.  I was going to have to have medicine to help get me pregnant. Before she'd even let me have that, I was going to have to lose over 100lbs. I weighed in at about 265lbs at that point.  So, I got on the ball and started losing that extra weight.  About 6 months into losing the weight, down to 225lbs, I found out that I was pregnant with my first!  I was so overjoyed, I was speechless!!  I couldn't wait to tell the world!  We really couldn't wait to be parents!  Then, at my 10th week dr appt.  we find out that the gestational sac hadn't gotten any bigger than about 7-8 weeks and that the baby had simply quit growing. The doc told me that she wanted me to pass "everything" naturally due to the bicornuate uterus.  Having a D&C could possibly damage my uterus to a point where having children would be impossible.  Since I do want kids, I was gonna go with the doc on this and just pass it naturally. Well, that was easier said than done.  Had no idea what to expect. I went through a roller coaster of emotions all in a span of a few hours each day and the pain I felt had to be close to childbirth pains.  She did give me something for that though.  Now that everything is over with, I feel empty, alone, confused, sad, depressed, angry all at the same time.  I put on a happy face for others but when I'm home, I break down.  This is killing me inside.  I've spent the better part of my 20s trying to have a baby and when i get that chance, my body fails. I have a huge beef with God on this as well.  I don't understand how there are people out there who have babies then abuse them, ignore them, or worse but then there are people like me who desperately want a child of their own to love and raise them but simply cannot have one.  We've thought about adoption but honestly, I'd really like a child that I can carry and give birth to.  We're going to try again, as soon as we can.  I think that the only way I'm going to even remotely heal from this is to get back up and try again.  My fiance has been a huge support system for me and I love him so much for that.  He's going through this with me and it's hurting him too but it didn't physically happen to him. He doesn't have the mental struggle every day until I bring it up cause I can't stop crying.  Even with him here to hold me, I still feel alone.  I know this sounds like rambling but today has been particularly harder than days before.  See, I work at the hospital where the last ultrasound took place and today, I had to take supplies to the ultrasound area. I saw the exam room and the office where I got the official news that I was no longer going to be a mom.  I had that pull on my heart and I had to walk away quickly or I would've burst into tears right then.  I know this won't heal overnight but I wish I could stop crying. I'm so tired of crying but it just keep coming on.  I'm not holding them back either.... it's not good on the mind and body to hold that emotion inside..   I'm just so lost at the moment.. when does this pain end? does it end? Will I have to go through this again? Is it going to take me the better part of my late 20s and 30s to get pregnant again?  and most importantly, the question I will never have an answer for is, " Why did this happen?"
Journalgirl83 Journalgirl83
26-30, F
Jul 27, 2010