It's Coming Up On A Year Now...

It will be a year in two weeks and I've noticed today that I don't breathe as deeply anymore. I don't look up, anymore. I'm much more internal, quiet and reserved. I'm looking at my half empty glass and thinking I'm too tired to fill it. I'm scattered, I'm numb, I'm lost and I'm uninspired. I don't remember the last time I laughed until I cried but I can tell you the last time I cried. Yesterday, half of yesterday. I'm lonely and alone, most of the time. I'm broken and I'm surprised none of the kings men have even swept me up let alone tried to put me back together again. I'm disappointed, in me, in Karma, in faith, in friends, in family. I'm blind. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel or the forest for the trees. I'm compulsive, and yet I expect a different outcome. I'm insane . I'm in limbo. I'm in doubt but I keep clinging to the thought that I've paid my pennance. I've earned my salt and the end is near but why would it be? Why should it be? How long am I supposed to endure this? Who says a year is the limit? Other than me, who says I'm done? Who says there's light or a forest anyway? How will I know? Who can tell? It's just like when you buy a car, you see the same make and model everywhere you turn. I see/hear about every pregnancy in town. How do I hide when my insides are like an open book? I can't seem to get over it. I can't let it go. I feel wrong to let it go but I can't stay broken like this.
vevilia vevilia
36-40, F
1 Response Aug 3, 2010

You don't have to let it go; that's your right.<br />
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But what good is living in it, breathing it in day and night going to do for you? I know that you can't just snap your fingers and feel better, but you can try to fight it, try to push past the darkness.<br />
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Have you considered counseling to help you move on? To cherish what you had, instead of carrying it as a weight with you at all times?