Grace

It was a june of last year when I found out that I was pregnant. I was in shock! I was drunk the night it happened. I was taken advantage of by this guy that lived across the street. He liked me and I was trying to be a friend. I was too nice. My roommate wanted to drink that night so we drank, I was wasted, and he took advantage of that. The next day I took planB. I knew that I wasn't ready to have a baby. I found out three weeks later that the planB had failed. I was caring his child. I had gotten over the night. I knew going in that if I drank to much that I would end up having sex. I hadn't seen the guy since, and I knew I probably wouldn't. I began taking the vitamins. I got an appointment with the doctor. and they did an ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy. I saw the little blob, and I heard the heart beat. It was strong. I almost cried, and I knew that I could do this on my own. I was going to have a little baby and I accepted it and began making plans for our life. I was nearly  12 weeks, when I started cramping and bleeding. I was in denial and I waited an entire day before I knew I needed to be seen. I went to the ER and they confirmed that I had lost her. I don't know for sure if it was a girl, but in my heart she a beautiful girl who never got the chance to have life. I laid in bed unable to eat for a week. my heart ached for her. I started to believe that maybe there had been a mistake. Its been a little over a year since that day, and I still hurt. I think of her all the time but now the pain is more dull and my love for her just keeps growing. Having a baby is all I think about. I want to find the right guy and I want the chance to be a mother. I am a mother without her child and I keep going because I know that there is an angel up there watching her mommy, and I want to do right by her everyday of my life. I named her Grace, and I wrote her a letter on the anviversary of her leaving me, I sent it to heaven atatched to three balloons. I cried but it helped, I allow myself to feel every emotion. I usually deny my feeling and stuff my emotions deep down but with this, I feel everything and I don't try to push it away. I keep fighting, I keep moving forward because I know that I will have the joy of parenting, and I will never take it for granted.