Born Into The Father's Arms.The past several years have just been an up and down roller coaster for me, I can't seem to find a calm point in my life.
I had a miscarriage when I was 26, my fiance, who is now my husband was in the army at the time so I rarely got to see him during those times.
The pregnancy was very unexpected because after I had Ethan I didn't think I was able to have any more because I'm diabetic and epileptic. I had seizures during the pregnancy with both my pregnancies and landed myself in the hospital several times. I was on bed rest the last few weeks I was pregnant with Ethan because 1, the epilepsy and 2 he was a big one!
The episodes of seizures came back when I was 33 weeks pregnant and I was rushed to the ER. I was rushed into the emergency room from a bad epilepsy and high blood pressure experience which I won't go into. I remember waking up and crying for my husband and they told me he wasn't there so I asked if the baby was okay, they told me that he didn't make it, they had to do an emergency c-section to remove him from me. I was devastated, I probably cried for a year, and I still cry about it. I don't remember a lot of it but I do remember I was alone in the hospital room trying to call family members and friend, I was looking for someone that could help but of course my husband couldn't pick up and my sister was asleep, it was night time. My parents don't always keep their phones on them so what luck I got out of any of that.
I didn't know what to do, it was hard getting pregnant in the first place, I've had complications with my first one and countless complications on getting pregnant to begin with. I was still dizzy from the epileptic seizures so I was barely awake at the time and I wasn't paying attention to most of what the doctors said, all I remember is that they said he weighed around 4 pounds or so, poor baby was born stillborn. But I know it was for a reason, a reason I can't seem to figure out yet but one day I will. For now I just gotta keep living and hoping for the best for my other kids. Luckily, I was able to see my parents the next day, my daddy was there to comfort me through the hard times and he helped me a lot through it. I still grieve over it, I never thought it would be me that had to go through it, I never want to go through anything like that again. Having someone in your life who is such and inspiration really changes your perception of pain, love and sorrow. My heart really goes out to the parents that have gone through miscarriage or have lost a child - I am with you....be strong, be brave and know that they are always listening.
Until we meet again, my son.