Confusion And Denial

I have kept to myself because of the circumstance as to how this happened to me and everything all at once. I believed it was a side effect of the morning after pill for a long time. Until I remembered the memory recently, I shut out. It was probably a week later when the pain came and I was crying in the shower in the middle of the night. I still to this day feel like I am crazy and none of this really happened. I don't know what to say.

I didn't really remember it until now when I had the labor-like pains. This is going to be a little graphic and too much information. I didn't think it was possible. But I always knew when I concieved my children. It was unexplainable. I thought within 72 hours of taking the pill I was fine but I wasn't really experiencing much of anything with the pill then everything happened a while later so I figured it was just late on working.

I've gone over this over and over agian. And I don't want to believe it. I remember 42 hours of being in excruciating pain. It felt ridiculous that the two events, unrelated, would happen like that. The pill doesn't cause spontanous abortion like that and the events were so confusing that I just ignored it all. Huddled over in the bathroom then walking it off, then bent over in the shower crying once all the fluid and tissue passed. As I saw it pass and all these thoughts of getting hospitalized went through my mind, I just shut down and cried instead. I was already experiencing PTSD and these were clear signs that I was right in the middle of having a bad episode. This is not how someone deals with things, it wasn't healthy at all.

I was visiting my hometown and staying at a hotel. The guy I was seeing wasn't talking to me at the time. My brother had gotten into a fight with me over his kid bullying my kid, he beat me. And I already went to the hospital. I had whiplash and bruises all over. I was on pain pills at the time so not a lot was making sense. I decided to get off them and figure out what was going on with me. Then I got back on them once I found out and shut down until I felt good enough to get in the car and drive away back to where I lived. I knew I needed some serious personal work on myself, I knew I was really screwed up with everything that was happening.

But still, that one issue, I shoved it down and didn't want to think about it. I chalked it up to the morning after pill and the side effects. My body was wrecked from all those experiences that I just worked. I threw myself into work. Then I decided to change my life completely. It's months later, I have more clairity.

I ran over and over it again. I tried denying it. It was stupid, too early, not biologically possible. I kept justifying that it was being dramatic and it couldn't have happened so soon. But it wasn't obvious until I started painting a painting. Three girls that look like me and one ghost. I thought it represented the frustration I was going through but really, it represented what I was trying to ignore.

I have three daughters. It's very obvious what I was trying to not pay attention to now, and it all hurts. But I know I will get better and I will be fine. I know it.
Tekkamaki Tekkamaki
2 Responses Feb 15, 2012

I won't say I understand what you are going through, because I can't possibly understand everything that is compounding your struggles, but I do understand the grief of losing a little soul. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Thank you!