I Was Young And Naiive

I was young when it happened and it's been over a year. I was 15 and about to finish my sophomore year in high school. I started talking to this guy during the weeks of finals and he was so sweet. We hit it off right away and started dated not long afterwards. Three days into our relationship, I was dumb enough to sneak our and we had sex. The condom broke, but I thought that I would be fine. I have an irreguar cycle, but I was due for my period any day so I shouldn't have been very fertile. I thought there's no way it could happen by accident just because of one time, but damn was I wrong. About a week later, I started having some discomfort and sickness. I thought it was just nerves getting to me, but again I was wrong. About a week after that, I got a positive pregnancy test. I was almost positive that was going to be the result. I called up my boyfriend and said he needed to come over and I needed to talk to him. I was almost positive he was going to leave me. I was scared and was pretty sure in the near future I'd be alone. He was shocked when I told him, but he was supportive of anything I wanted to do. It made me feel reassured and like I really could do it. I don't believe in abortion, so that wasn't an option at all. I was keeping my baby no matter what his reaction was. I was scared, but the baby taught me about a love I didn't know could exist. I didn't understand how my mother could leave me because I was in love with that baby from the second I started to believe I was pregnant. It was mine and I couldn't think of anything that could be better. I was going to have a beautiful family and everything would be difficult, but in the end, I believed it would work out. My boyfriend then revealed habits he never showed before. He quickly started showing me that he was a drug addict. He had never shown signs of that or done them around me beofre. He said if we were a family now, I had to know the truth. He became abusive. He beat me, burned me, and threatened my life. All while I was carrying his child. It didn't last because I was going on a family vacation for a few weeks. I was only about four weeks pregnant at this point. It actually became a relief to be away. I was so sick and couldn't stand the idea of being away from the baby's father. I was sick pretty often and usually uncomfortable, so when my boyfriend was deciding to be supportive (which he rarely was) it was the world's biggest relief to me. It was soothing and the only thing that helped me sleep at night. He sang me to sleep on the good nights. On the bad ones, he'd call me to threaten me or say he was leaving me if I didn't get an abortion. I stood my ground and cried every night this happened. (About 5 nights a week) This continues for the three weeks I was away. Right before coming home I told him my friend took me to planned parenthood and I got an abortion. I lied so he'd leave me and the baby alone. I honestly believed that would be the hardest thing I'd ever have to deal with. Losing the father of my child. A few weeks later, I had some stabbing pains. I told my father that I wasn't okay. I was ten weeks pregnant and a friend's mom was helping me to get care so my dad had no idea about the pregnancy yet. I was trying to figure out exactly how to tell him, but before I could even convince him to take me to a hospital or something I was bleeding out. I was sick as all hell and I knew what this meant. I was bleeding heavy and exaclty two months after conceiving, I lost my baby. I couldn;t have imagined such a horrible thing could happen to anyone, let alone me. It was worse than anything I could have imagined. I was going to be 16 in a couple weeks and grieving alone about the loss of a baby. My baby. I loved it more than anything. I don't think I will ever be over my baby, but now I've found love with a guy who actually helps with my situation. He supports me and remembers the baby with me on what would have been my due date. 24/3/2011
RIP Jadea Brooke/Eli Lyric Johnson 17/8/2010