2 Miscarriages in one year..

 I apologize for the grammar errors and some of time lines may be off and I may seem to rattle on but I just needed to get this out.  March 04, 2012.  It is a day I will never forget for the rest of my life.  My husband and I were trying to conceive, we had everything planned out from when the due date should be to what month would be the best for me to get pregnant since I was and still am enrolled into nursing school.  We tried to conceive and successfully I became pregnant.  I had a pregnancy before that went as planned, I have a beautiful daughter who was 2 years old.  This pregnancy was different, I had a feeling weeks before my missed period that I was pregnant.  I kept telling my husband that I thought I was pregnant, something feels different inside of me.  We both had a feeling this time we were going to be having a boy.  I stayed up for days thinking of boy names, imagining having a mama's boy.  We received a phone call from his sister, she was coy at first then she blurted out that she found out she was pregnant.  We had a pregnancy test with us, which we just bought that afternoon.  I went to the bathroom and everything I knew I felt was confirmed.  The test read two lines and I was ecstatic.  I told my husband and he told her that we were too, I asked when her last period was and coincidental it was 5 days before mine.  We were only days apart, it was a wonderful thing to share together.  Everything was going so well, I was going on daily exercises, drinking these organic fruit and vegetable drinks; everything seemed so perfect.  The pregnancy was planned, there was no drama in my life, my daughter who is 2 was rubbing my belly and kissing it and saying "baby."  I was waking up from my dreams, I could see and hear a boy in my dream, one that was calling me Mommy.  I would wake up the next morning and tell my husband I had dreamy I saw our little boy, which we did not know the sex of the baby because it was too soon.  He would always say don't be disappointed it could be a girl but I have a feeling too it might be a boy..  I know I would love the baby either way but the dreams felt so real that I knew I would be having a boy; we would always say whatever we end up with does not matter, the only thing that matters is if the baby is healthy.  Which it wouldn't't matter to me if the baby was sick I would have loved them no matter what.  

I had called my previous OB office and had a visit scheduled which was not for a while.  The doctors there are so wonderful and it is a very busy practice, but well worth it in quality of care.  I had just two visits with the doctor one for a pregnancy test and the other visit for blood work.  I went in on a Friday for the blood work screening.  Cut to Saturday evening, it was around 9 p.m. when I had a little cramping; it was lighter than period cramp but just to be safe I called in.  There was no bleeding present, no spots, no pink or brown discharge, I was safe it could be the uterus stretching and light cramps were OK as long as there was no bleeding or persistent cramping in intervals.  I could come in the next day if I wanted to be seen.   Sunday morning I woke up to urinate, it was exactly 5:23when I went to urinate I had a small very pale pink dot on the toilet paper when I wiped.  I didn't't see any discharge on my underwear and the cramps were still present.  I became worried and I sat down at the computer and just started to google the words "light pink," at exactly 5:25 a.m. (my daughter was born on Jan 15, 2010 at exactly 5:25 a.m.)  when all of a sudden I felt a wet feeling down there.  My heart stopped it was like time stood still, I was in shock and I reached down and touched the wetness I felt with my hand.  I brought my hand up and it was bright rich blood.  I felt like dying, as soon as I took a step the blood started gushing down my leg.  I could feel the blood pour out in ebb and flow of a wave.  I went to the couch where my husband was and I just called out his name, I said Mike.  He got up from his sleep and he had this face, it was that of terror and he said, "Oh no baby, oh baby no."  He said what happened, I was crying hysterically and I said i'm bleeding.  He was asking if it was a lot and there was blood soaking down my legs onto the floor.  He tried to be calm and tell me to calm down because it wouldn't't be good for the baby.  My daughter fell asleep with him on the couch watching t.v., we had to wake up my brother to watch her.  We walked to his room and I just said I was bleeding, we have to go.  We put on our shoes and got in the car.  The hospital where I gave birth to my daughter was only 15 minutes away.   In the car ride there he was trying to calm me down saying it wasn't't good for the baby, try not to think of the baby as gone the doctors might be able to save it.  We got to the emergency entrance and he said I think she's having a miscarriage.  I was taken immediately to the triage room where the RN there was saying yes I was having a miscarriage, the blood was gushing down and when I had to stand up to get my weight it was like a river of blood had fallen.  The RN said to grab a sample of the blood as it could be the fetus.  The were two RN's who came in and told me of their miscarriages, one man's wife had three and now they have a healthy girl.  The one RN told me that this is not any of my fault that the fetus was abnormal and it was my body getting rid of it.  That it is better now and god has a plan, the baby was not meant to be.  I was put on a gurney and put in a room.  The RN there said I had to try to give a sample of urine now or that if I could not or did not want to I would have a catheter put in.  To those of you who do not know, the catheter is a tube that they stick up your urethra to relieve the urine out of your bladder, which would have a tubing lubed up and inserted into a small opening and then pushed in until it reaches your bladder.  I did not want that so I said to wait I will try later.  Blood was coming out and I was crying so hard I was dizzy.  I could feel the oxygen deprivation, light headed and I was hyperventilating so bad.  I stood up to change into a hospital gown because the doctor on call was going to have to do a physical exam on me.  When I stood up blood gushed down and huge blood clots fell on the floor in puddles.  Every time I felt a wave of blood gush out, it was so horrible.  The RN came back with a urine sample cup, I said I could try to make an attempt.  I was wheel chaired slowly to the bathroom, I sat down on the toilet and tried to pee.  As soon as I squatted I felt like I was peeing and moved the cup under me.  That is when I heard a thud in the cup and I quickly lifted the cup up and looked inside and I saw my baby there.  I saw a grayish figure that was only about 1 1/2 inches long curled up in a fetal position.  It was shaped like a kidney bean and I saw a little black dot  around the head.  I just started bawling and the RN came in and I showed her the cup and the words could barely escape my mouth when I said my baby it came out.  She quickly took the cup away and came back with a new gown for me, she said the doctor would be in later to examine it to see if it was my baby.  I was hysterical, I was repeating my baby, my baby came out.  The doctor was ready to do my pelvic exam she used her fingers and the speculum, she told me that I was dilated and that I need to have a ultrasound.  I was wheeled back to my bed in the triage department where I had to wait for a ultrasound technician to arrive.  She came up and wheeled me in, she did not know what I was in for.  When I lay on the table she asked me when is the baby due, they don't call in for a ultrasound in at night.  I looked at her puzzled with my hands over my face and told her I just lost the baby.  She had this terrified look and said she did not mean anything she did not know.  Which had me upset, my gown was drenched in blood from my waist down to my feet, I was laying on the table with blood soaking through the hospital pads they gave me.  She did the measurements and said the doctor would be the one to tell me the results of the test.  Hours later the doctor came in and told me that my OB was going to come in and examine the "tissue sample" I provided.  The ultrasound she said looked like the baby had died at 5 weeks old and that my body was just carrying it inside until now when it realized that the fetus had died.  I was heartbroken and I was so sick, I couldn't't believe the baby died at 5 weeks.  I was in shock and then she had to perform another exam.  This exam was to see if I was still dilated and to help with the bleeding.  Which by helping with the bleeding meants using a curette to scrape the remaining tissue out.  The doctor said I had a inevitable miscarriage and that they were going to give me cytotec to help get rid of any remains.  To call if I should have a fever or persistent heavy bleeding.  I was done at the doctors.  By the time I left the hospital it was 5:00 on Sunday, I had a final exam for my gerontology course.  I had to take it, I could have put it off but I did not want to have to come in again. It was devastating, I had just finished telling everyone in class that I was 10 weeks pregnant, and I was scheduled to have my first ultrasound in two weeks.  I was a wreck, I passed with a B+ even though I could not concentrate.  On Tuesday the doctors office had called me, my OB had come in to the hospital Sunday and examined the "tissue sample,"  she confirmed what I saw a 10 week old baby.  She explained to me that E.R. doctors are not that reliable compared to specialists and she does have general knowledge about OB things she does not fully understand it.  What the ER doctor saw was a gestational sack which appeared to be that of a 5 week old baby, what she really saw was the remaining tissue.  Th e ultrasound was taken after the baby came out along with other "tissue material".  My hormone levels were that of a 10  week baby not of a 5 week old baby.  If it was what the ER doctor had said, that the baby died at 5 weeks my hormone levels would have been drastically decreased.  Hearing that the baby was indeed 10 weeks old was like hit head on by a big rig.  I had just come to accept in my head that the baby was only 5 weeks old and it was already dead, to hear it was 10 weeks shattered my heart to a million more pieces.  At home it was so bad, I was crying and looking up everything about miscarriages.  To make matters worse my daughter was now scared of me, she would start crying when she saw me because my face was so puffy from crying and it was startling to see mommy cry.  She even would come up to ME and tell ME that it was OK mommy, mommy OK and she was patting my back and hugging me.  I was the mother and she just turned two a month before.  The breaking point I had one day was I was going to take a bath with my daughter when she hugged and kissed my stomach and said baby, I love and rubbed her head against my stomach holding onto me.  I broke down and cried so hard, I called my husband up to try to help calm me.  I had to have a follow up appointment with my OB and it was the most dreadful time ever, I was praying so hard that there would be no pregnant women and to my luck there were known.  The place had a older lady waiting and no one else around, I sighed with relief.  I had my blood drawn and my cervix rechecked to make sure it was closed.  Hearing that the miscarriage was complete felt like it just happened again.  I came out to the waiting area where my husband was located and it was so terrible.  I came out and called his name but he was watching the health channel they had on the flat screen. i called out to him again and I looked around and saw the place was packed this time full of pregnant women.  I burst out into tears and screamed we have to leave now and I saw the women's faces and they looked so terrified they were holding onto their pregnant bellies and everyone knew just then what I had gone through a miscarriage.  I was humiliated, ashamed, angry, vulnerable, depressed, jealous.  I was upset that my husband did not hear me call out to him the first time. i was embarrassed that I was crying hysterically.  The days after the miscarriage were terrible my husband called people to let them know of our miscarriage so they would not ask about my baby when they saw me.  I would go off into a room and cry whenever my husband picked up the phone because just hearing what happened made me a mess.  I was obsessed with listening to songs about miscarriage, reading support groups for miscarriage.  I don't like Avril Lavigne but a song by her struck a chord with me, slipped away along with a song by Snow Patrol...the lyrics say you could be happy and I wouldn't't know, but you weren't't happy the day I let you go and Carolina Liar, Show me what I'm looking for.  I was on spring break after I took the exam and two weeks later I came back to school.  The first day back even though I asked the teacher to email the students that I had a miscarriage and would not like anyone to mention it since it was a rough time for me.  On my way to school I found my chest getting tighter and I was on the verge of crying, the anxiety of being back at school and thinking of what people would say was eating away at me.  When I pulled into the parking lot I had a panic attack, I couldn't't breathe my chest was heavy, my arms were numb, i was dizzy and light headed, my lips were numb.  I sat in that parking lot for an hour to calm myself down, which I planned time to arrive early in case I needed it.  I collected myself and when I headed into the classroom I was OK but then when someone said Hi, I was hysterical again.  I cried and sat by myself and asked that everyone leave me alone. 
Every visit to the OB made me cry, I had to go in every week to get my hormone levels checked to make sure all the numbers went down to zero.  Every time I would start to cry because pregnant women were there, I swear the commercials I watched had pregnant women, the stores I went into always had pregnant women in the same aisles as me (the tire aisle in walmart).  Everytime I came in to draw my blood and they would give me the results the numbers were lower and became even lower and just hearing the numbers drop was like a confirmation that I was not pregnant anymore and it hurt.   Anyways its been two months since my miscarriage and I felt like I was doing better we're trying again..I have had my period  come 4-5 times that first time in March.  In April I had it 3 and hopefully in May I will be pregnant..His sister moved to Lake Tahoe with her boyfriend, she is coming back now for a visit.  I am not jealous nor do I feel resentment toward her for being pregnant.   It just hurts me so much to see her, we were only 5 days apart.  She texted us two weeks ago to announce it was a boy and it felt like dull knives were hacking away at my heart and stomach.  Oh I forgot to mention that after my miscarriage I began having somatic symptoms, feeling of pain that weren't't there or caused by anything.  I would wake up with cramps from just having a dream of my miscarriage, back pains and I was having nightmares everyday and even in my daydreams.  His sister had called him on Sunday asking him if he could pick her up she wanted to surprise the family of her visit.  I wanted to go but the thought of it made my arms weak, my bones feel like they're made of ice, i can't breathe because my chest feels heavy and I start crying at the thought of seeing her.  He asked if I would go but I had to decline, I was not about to sit in the car for the 30 minute drive back to his sisters house crying hysterically while making her feel bad and awkward.  This Saturday we will be seeing her with his daughters but the thought of it makes me have nightmares and the day of my miscarriage replays in my head.  The idea of it makes my arms go numb and my bones like ice.  I tell myself this happened for a reason, over and over and I hope it will work for me on Saturday.  I want to take a pregnancy test just to see if I might be pregnant but I do not know if it would be better for me to not know and just go see her and be sad.  Or on the sunny side find out i'm pregnant and then go see her.  I am just scared to death though If I am pregnant, I do not want to lose another baby again.  One of the RN's told me it'll be alright she went through 5 miscarriages before she had a kid again.  5 is not my limit, my limit is 3, she can handle 5 one still born and one was around 5 months.  If that were to happen again I don't know if I would try again.  Just in case I might be pregnant I have been telling my baby to please don't do, don't leave me please.  I hope god can hear my pleas and I hope my baby stays this time.
**February 20, 2013** This post I removed from my trying to conceive because in the end it ended back in this topic again***
I had to post this exciting news..keeping my fingers crossed and praying every moment!! I had my miscarriage on March 04, 2012. I have been trying ever since to get pregnant and I was getting depressed and my hope was lost, I told myself recently I will never get pregnant again. I thought something must be wrong with me we've been trying for over a year and still nothing. At times I thought I was pregnant, wishing and hoping only to pee on a stick and have the results crush me. It was so difficult my husband and I kept going through cycles deciding how and what we should do to try to get pregnant. That process made us frustrated and sometimes we acted like machines, we had to have sex, not want to have sex but needed to try to make a baby. Every month it was the same heartbreak, hoping we did it only to be disappointed.      His sister had been pregnant at the same time as I was, just five days before me.  After we lost the baby I could not look at her without losing it.  As time went by I thought it would be easier to get over but I soon realized how much it affected me.  Her baby was born in mid-September just as her estimated due date was expected.  She was calling me the week for asking for advice and if I thought the baby was going to come soon, I was able to advise her without crying so I thought all was well..The day she had her baby I went to visit her after I had school, I walked in the room and my heart sank.  I started to breathe heavy and as I saw her cradle her baby I was at a loss.  I tried to stay as long as I could and luckily she had to fill out paperwork and leave the room.  I quickly gave her a hug and said congratulations.  I left in tears and my heart was pounding, I sat in the driveway of the hospital for half an hour trying to compose myself.  It's been 5 months since the baby was born and I found myself unable to cuddle and enjoy her baby.  Every time I picked her baby up it felt weird, like something was not right.  I feel so bad but I couldn't help it.  Every time I saw the new toys and the new experiences the baby went through it stung a little.        January 07, 2013 I started my period and I was devastated. I had thought to myself why even try, it's not going to happen. I don't care anymore, I give up. Then my husband wanted to do the have sex during your ovulation time schedule and we kept to that again. I know people say you can't tell when you get pregnant but I think you can. I started having these feelings the last two weeks, that something was different. Now I have to mention this part that made me have hope, it's weird and I'm an animal lover. My dog Prince, a papillion mix I rescued from when I worked at animal shelter, is loyal to me and now to my daughter. Prince when I was pregnant with my daughter, would always come up to my stomach and nudge it. He would place his head on my stomach and tilt his head to listen to my stomach and he would sit there and lick my stomach. He started doing this again to me last week again, I was so excited because I had an inkling that I might be pregnant and this kind of solidified it! Yes I do realize it is irrational to have my dog be the indicator but like I said I love my animals :)        Cut back to February 20, 2013....my husband and I had been discussing that I might be pregnant although I had just taken a pregnancy test on Valentines day and it came out negative. I had been two weeks late on my period and I was scared and excited to take one. I had noticed some white disharge and cramping from the week before and I was sure I would get my period since the test was negative the days before. We bought the test at the neighborhood Walmart and in the ride home I was telling my husband I would be so devastated and depressed if it was negative. He told me, baby I think you are you've been tired lately and I notice when you're tired. I think you are. Little did he know that I thought so too! We got home and I took the test...the two blue lines I've wished for finally showed up instantly! I was shaking and crying with disbelief, this is what I've been praying for a year for. I was shaking so bad, I went to the room and called my husband over. I told him I'm pregnant!! I was crying so bad, it was joy, relief, fear. He said I knew it baby, this is what we've been waiting for. He asked me why was I crying, out of joy or fear, I said both. I called up the OB office to schedule an appointment. Ever since I found out I have been in disbelief and i'm mixed I don't know if I am scared more or happy. I am so excited for this wonderful blessing but at the same time I pray this baby stays with me. I know since I had one miscarriage it does not mean I will have another but I am deathly afraid. I hope everything goes well and I hope I am able to write another update on the baby. The baby calculators say the baby should be born October 15, 2013...which would make me like 6 weeks pregnant and two days....keeping fingers crossed...again I am still in disbelief that I am pregnant.    

Pregnancy things I've experienced now and before:  
     With my first child I was watching Jumanji by myself and when the little kid turned into a monkey and risked his life trying to grab the book floating down the river..I bawled. Seriously, it looked like the women crying in the theaters during the notebook. I was crying so hard my face felt numb and this was all over the little monkey boy grabbing the book. I blame the hormones.  
     I could not stand banana's. They made me vomit and nauseated at the site, smell and taste of them. We once thought I might not have been pregnant anymore and so my husband went to some little store in Michigan and bought bananas. I remember it was pouring rain while we were driving through Ironwood, Michigan and he told me to eat the banana, I did and started vomiting, like the exorcist vomiting. All while he was like yeah! You're still pregnant, yeah! You okay?? while he was laughing...I vomited the bananas out and then I vomited again because I could smell the bananas, it was a vicious cycle..I still egg him on that one.  
     I had crazy, jealous dreams that would make me want to leave my husband. I seriously had dreams where my husband cheated on me with women. Some felt so real and he acted so brash in my dream that when I woke up, I hated him with a passion. My eyes filled with rage and boy was I moody. He would always stop and say I don't know what I did in my dream but it was just a dream I didn't do anything.   Feb 21, 2013- I watched a music video by Gossip- Move in the right direction, I was crying like a baby, nodding my head yes to the lyrics. I've been trying so hard and finally my life is moving in the right direction lol. Honestly this song is good but it's weird to be bawling my eyes out while the video has the lady making strange faces and the back up male dancers skinnier and prettier with make up than I am.

*****My Second Miscarriage almost a year exactly apart. ...

March 01, 2013 I woke up around 3:30 a.m. to use the restroom.  I had zero cramps and I just sat down to pee.  While I was peeing I had this heavy feeling down there and I heard a sound that made my heart drop.  It was a thud in the toilet, I felt a clot pass down and I looked in the toilet to see a gestational sac surrounded by clots.  I went numb and my face felt like needles of cold air were stabbing at my face.  I was in shock, I couldn't move or think.  My heart started to pound in my chest and I grabbed the baby out of the toilet, I held it in my hands.  It was a white opaque looking sac and when I held it up to the light, I could see inside the sac, the baby was anchored to the right side of the sac, the umbilical cord was little and squiggly and there was this little person on the left side.  My heart is still numb.  I went into my room and turned on the light, my husband saw me and said whats the matter, you just had to pee right?  I stuck out my hand and he saw what was in there and he said oh no baby lets go..  The rest was a blur and the memory is just like last time.  Get to the hospital, go to triage, get my ultrasound down..Although this ultrasound the technician kept on asking me when my last period was.  I didn't bother to look at the screen because I already knew what had happened.  I didn't need to see  a empty uterus..which was confirmed when the E.R. doctor told me the ultrasound showed an empty uterus.  I told my husband about a dream I had two days prior, which thinking about it makes me think that it was an ominous sign.  I had a dream I went to use the restroom and when I went to wipe there was a streak of red on the toilet paper.  When I wiped again there was more red streaks, then upon a closer inspection it was not blood but red rose petals.  Soon the toilet bowl filled with a sea of red rose petals.  I woke up feeling uneasy but pregnancy brings out weird dreams.  My husband said it had nothing to do with it but a part of me wonders.  Anyways I left the hospital at 7 a.m, I arrived at 4 a.m.

This miscarriage was almost an exact year, my last miscarriage was March 04, 2012 at 5:25 a.m., this miscarriage March 01, 2013 3:30 a.m.
My first prenatal visit was set for today at 2:20 the E.R. doctor told me to follow up and go.  My husband and I talked for hours about what happened, how we will deal and what's next.  I felt bad as he was talking because I was getting upset and annoyed even though he was supportive. We decided that we will try again for another baby.  I went to the ob today and waited in the dreaded waiting room with all the pregnant women.  I wore my shades inside to cover my bloodshot swollen eyes.  I talked with my ob and she said she wants to run a panel of blood tests on me.  There are two main things she would like to check.  My progesterone levels because at 8 weeks my Hgc levels were only at 4,500 and that could be the cause of the losses..The second thing she wanted to check was to run a thrombophilia screen, I could have a clotting disorder that causes my miscarriages.  The third thing she said was she doesn't think it is but she just wanted to check my thyroid levels.  I think last time it hit me like a train this time I feel a little better since she told me some things that could have caused the miscarriage.  I was not left in the dark or left with the answer of the body was trying to get rid of a genetic defect..This was something I could grasp an idea of what could have went wrong.  I am a little numb and my brain is still foggy I know that soon my brain will catch up and the emotions will start overflowing as for now I am silent, I am numb but I have hope for the next one.  I will post what the tests say when they come in which should take about two weeks for all the results to come to the OB.  This one was different, after the baby came out I felt some cramps then nothing else.  At 5 p.m. I stopped bleeding altogether, not even a spot.  

rmplus1 rmplus1
3 Responses May 24, 2012

I was devastated after my miscarriages (although I went on to have 2 kids after that, and at age 39 and 42 too!!). You should feel free to grieve for as long and as hard as you want. If it gets to be too much, you can see a counselor, but it is normal to start getting excited about your baby and then be so sad when you miscarry. Just remember that it sometimes happens and it's nothing you did wrong. Some eggs are not meant to develop fully...they are just made that way. Out of the millions of them, some have chromosomal issues. Often, we think maybe it was something we did right before the miscarriage that caused it (a fight with a boyfriend, stress, something we ate) and it turns out it had nothing to do with it. I worried that I had one of my miscarriages(it was at 9.5 weeks) because I was running up and down stairs all the time at work. Turns out, after testing, the fetus had downs syndrome and wasn't going to develop any further. There are sometimes other reasons, and if you have more than 2 mc's they will test you to see if it's a clotting disorder or something else. If you have a clotting disorder - and it IS common among pregnant women - they can give you aspirin and stuff so you won't miscarry next time. Hang in there! By the way, I had a strong feeling that my 2nd baby was a boy...and it turned out to be a girl. You just never know. Try not to focus on what might have been. Good luck in the future!

Thank you very much for your support. I try not to focus on what could have been but sometimes it is difficult to do.

i completely feel your loss and pain... it's only been 10 days since i lost my little one... and my ER story is similar to yours.... i hope in due time, you will succeed and be blessed. <br />
i still hate looking at commercials, especially now the "what to expect when your expecting" movie trailer... i was excited to see it, and now i don't even want to see the movie... did everything come out naturally? or did you have to do a D&C? <br />
i'm just waiting to get my period again.. so my hubby and I can try again...<br />
don't give up just yet, and keep your faith and hope strong :)

The baby came out naturally besides them giving me the cytotec pill to ensure everything else came out.

My hubby and I are trying as well. After my miscarriage I had 3 periods in March lasting 3 days each with a light-heavy-light cycle each time, 3 periods in April and none so far for this month :P So I am keeping my fingers crossed.

I hope you become blessed with a little one soon :)
I was just wondering did your doctor recommend you wait 1-2 cycles or just give you the Okay?

I'm sorry if the story went in tangents, I just needed a place to vent.