Cant Forgive Myself
Three years ago today was my babys due date. i found out at 4 weeks that i was pregnant, i was only 15 at the time and with a really unsupportive boyfriend but i couldn't of been happier. At 6 weeks i went for a scan as i had been having sharp pains in my stomach but they said everything was fine an my baby was developing well so i was so relieved an seeing my little baby for the first time just made me more an more excited. Everything was good an my boyfriend seemed to be coming round to the idea of being a dad but at 9 weeks we got into a big arguement, i was about to leave when he grabbed my arm to stop me but i ended up tripping over an fell into the corner of his computer desk an lost my baby. My boyfriend didnt show any emotion an wouldnt come to the hospital with me. Once i got home i was devastated an id never felt any pain like it, all i wanted was the scan picture of my baby but he wouldnt give it to me an told me i needed to move on and ripped it up infront of me. Over three years down the line i still cant seem to start moving on with my life, i feel like it is my fault as my baby didnt go to heaven from gods choosing, it was my own actions as to why i lost my baby an i cant forgive myself. Ever since then all ive wanted was another chance to be a mother. i know i'm still young at 18 but i should of been a mother to a three year old today instead im alone with no support, my parents dont know about the miscarriage or that there was even a pregnancy so i cant talk to anyone. Ive become obssesed with trying to have another baby i have never used contraception with anyone since then but still have not concieved, the doctors said that everything was fine since the miscarriage an that i should be able to concieve when the times right but everyday is getting harder and harder and now my sister is 6 months pregnant and preparing for the arrival of my neice i cant help feeling jelous. Ive tried to deal with it myself but today bringing back all the hurt again i would just like some support/advice on how to try and move on with my life.