Cant Forgive Myself

Three years ago today was my babys due date. i found out at 4 weeks that i was pregnant, i was only 15 at the time and with a really unsupportive boyfriend but i couldn't of been happier. At 6 weeks i went for a scan as i had been having sharp pains in my stomach but they said everything was fine an my baby was developing well so i was so relieved an seeing my little baby for the first time just made me more an more excited. Everything was good an my boyfriend seemed to be coming round to the idea of being a dad but at 9 weeks we got into a big arguement, i was about to leave when he grabbed my arm to stop me but i ended up tripping over an fell into the corner of his computer desk an lost my baby. My boyfriend didnt show any emotion an wouldnt come to the hospital with me. Once i got home i was devastated an id never felt any pain like it, all i wanted was the scan picture of my baby but he wouldnt give it to me an told me i needed to move on and ripped it up infront of me. Over three years down the line i still cant seem to start moving on with my life, i feel like it is my fault as my baby didnt go to heaven from gods choosing, it was my own actions as to why i lost my baby an i cant forgive myself. Ever since then all ive wanted was another chance to be a mother. i know i'm still young at 18 but i should of been a mother to a three year old today instead im alone with no support, my parents dont know about the miscarriage or that there was even a pregnancy so i cant talk to anyone. Ive become obssesed with trying to have another baby i have never used contraception with anyone since then but still have not concieved, the doctors said that everything was fine since the miscarriage an that i should be able to concieve when the times right but everyday is getting harder and harder and now my sister is 6 months pregnant and preparing for the arrival of my neice i cant help feeling jelous. Ive tried to deal with it myself but today bringing back all the hurt again i would just like some support/advice on how to try and move on with my life.
xMotherOfAnAngelx xMotherOfAnAngelx
18-21, F
5 Responses Sep 3, 2012

Thankyou to both of you, it seems silly but just telling my story on this feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I try to talk to my friends about it but none of them have been through a miscarriage so although they try there hardest they find it hard to give me advice. I see where 'daguid' has tried to help but to say i wasn't emotionally ready to be a mother is wrong when you do not know me personally, I may have been immature at times and still had a lot of learning to do but the moment you find out you are pregnant it changes you completely and the love for my child is nothing less than of someone who is older. I also believe in God and try to remember that everything happens for a reason, i know my angel is now with my loved ones an we will be reunited in heaven one day so for now i am trying to stay positive and look forward to the future.

I completely agree with Dreamz26 men cannot comment on this sort of thing, even my partner says he doesnt fully understand and doesnt know what to say about us loosing our baby and its hard. I dont think ill ever get over what happened but i think you learn how to cope better with it. and you definately shouldnt blame yourself, a year after i lost my baby i am starting to realise it wasnt the right time and hopefully my time will come xx

I think it is disgusting what Dagvid said and doubt that it would ever come out of a woman's mouth. He obviously does not understand the emotions that surround miscarraiges.

Your boyfriend was VERY wrong for how he acted, but in no way is that your fault. Yes you were both young but things happen. I can't and won't tell you to move on and forget as I havn't myself; but I will say something that I keep telling myself "Trust and believe that you were not to blame and that your future will hold all that you desire". Especially if you believe in God as I do, then you should know that he gives us tests not to see us fail but to prepare us for our individual futures.

Dreamz xx

Hello, iv just read your story and wanted to share my story. I dont think the comment from Dagvid is correct at all as they cant tell you when your ready. I was 19 when i fell pregnant and i became feeling really ill but the doctor kept saying i was fine then at my 12 week scan they told me the baby had died inside of me as i had no bleeding at all. I had to go into hospital which was awful as they had to force a miscarriage on. I ended up getting depression. It has now just been a year since and im finding it very hard and i really want a baby but im so scared to try again. Going through this experience does make you feel alone, as my parents dont ever speak about it. Today iv just found this site which thought it might help speaking to someone similar to me. x

OK, i will try to give this a shot.<br />
straight answer. at the time of the miscarriage, (while being phsically capable of bearing children,) you weren't mentally ready to be a mom. <br />
while being a victim of an accident it might have been a, Blessing in disguise...<br />
your jealousy is heightened by your own, "nesting instinct." relax,,,,, you will have plenty of time to start and raise your own brood. <br />
the only thing that i ask of you is to take your time and chose a guy that is ready, willing and able to give you the love that you deserve. choose wisely, would you want a man that you couldn't feel safe, secure and loved with?<br />
behave in such a manner, so he will be proud to call his, and you would also be able to say that you belong to him. <br />
keep a neat home and your finances within budget. your children should be clean, well mannered and most of all, LOVED to pieces. make them feel safe, secure. <br />
keep his belly smiling and be glad to warm his bed.<br />
a good man deserves a good woman. a good woman deserves a good man. anything less, you get what you ....deserve.<br />
good luck and God Bless,