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Part Of My Heart

I was raped a few months ago and realized that I had become pregnant. At first it was a horrid thought that there was such extreme proof of my attack, but then as the baby grew inside of me, I started developing a bond with it. I wanted to keep it and gave it a name, since I wanted to remember it by a name, not event or circumstance. A few months into my pregnancy though, I was at school and suddenly felt like something was wrong. I ran to the girl's bathroom and thought I had just started my period, which I quickly realized would be impossible. The pain was so intense that I stayed in the bathroom for hours. I felt like throwing up half the time, and cried the other half. I didn't know what to do with myself after that. I had wanted so badly to keep the baby, or at least put it up for adoption. Just at least let the baby live. I felt so empty and hollow. I literally felt like a shell just walking through life. I still feel that way. And when I'm sitting alone somewhere or just laying in bed at night, I remember it clearly and I picture what the baby would've looked like and who it would've been. It's in those moments that I feel like I lost a part of my heart.
Brielle18 Brielle18 18-21, F Jan 18, 2013

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