My Precious

I was sexually abused every day for seven months by two men. My body was treated very badly. I had not even had my first kiss or anything romantic before that time. I was a virgin to both sex and romance before then.

I had eventually been told it looked like I was pregnant. I didn't get a doctor to check. I was told I was glowing. I was told I was eating differently. I definitely was peeing more in those months. I was not experienced so I didn't go with how I felt inside even though my body was severely worse for wear from everything I had been experiencing.

There is a four-day memory lapse. I can only go by hearsay. I don't remember it myself. I was told I had been sleeping almost four days and I got up to use the bathroom. I had been told (Thankfully this was right after I stopped getting raped) that there were massive blood clots, lots of blood and lots of chunks in the toilet. I never went to get checked. I was told by someone who had two miscarriages that it really seemed like I had miscarried. I know my body was severely injured, especially my ribs.

Was it true? Did I become pregnant then miscarry? I don't know. But I do know I have anger in me whenever I hear women speak of their right to abort. I never voiced approval or criticism about that controversy before. But after all this, even before I wondered if it was so and just believed what I was told by other mommies in the neighborhood that I was pregnant and had miscarried, I got anger in me so scary I really wonder now about this when I hear of women's rights to kill their babies.

I lashed out at some women late and I was so angry. Which had me feel nauseous from how impacting it was, and I'm not usually the angry type. I told them "You want to have the right to have a say in whether or not you can kill that baby before he or she has a chance to live? What about the rest of us who got robbed of any say at all? What about those of us who just have to live life knowing the decision was made without our consent? Would we have chosen yes or no is not relevant. We got robbed of our chance to have that say when our babies got killed without us having a say and now you wanna go and just kill the babies!!!! You have a chance to hold your baby and watch that baby grow up! We will never get that chance!!!"

To my darling angel, if you are out there in Heaven healed and having fun, know Mommy loves you dearly!
blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti
36-40, F
Jan 23, 2013