My Due Date That Never Will Be . . .
Hi, it's been a really tough week. I was supposed to be due on October 31st, 2008. I already have 4 children. It was my first miscarriage. Pregnancy is really hard for me. I'm sick the first 15-17 weeks. I was finally not feeling sick at 14 weeks, which was unusual for me. I went in for my first routine check-up at 10 weeks and the doctor couldn't locate a heartbeat, but that is normal for this early on. We didn't hear my 2nd daughter's heartbeat until the second check-up at 13 weeks. I didn't worry. It was a week before my 3rd checkup and I just had a nagging feeling that wouldn't go away. I needed to hear that heartbeat. I am an American expat living in Egypt. They have really great doctors, even trained in the States. I went to get an ultrasound; here, you don't need a doctor's order and they are super cheap. They had a nurse running the ultrasound clinic that evening, she did the ultrasound, then wanted to do an intra-vaginal one to get a better look. She said she couldn't detect pulsation, but that that was normal in an 8 week old fetus. She said that I should come back in a week and check again. Not very reassuring. It was no use arguing with her that I was supposed to be 16 weeks. I just paid, took my pictures and thanked her for her time. I called the American Embassy Health Unit and they arranged for me to meet with a specialist first thing in the morning. I went in and they did the same ultrasounds that I had had the night before. There really was no pulsation. Awful bedside manner as well. Just declared that there was no pulsation and wanted to know when was the last time I had eaten so that they could schedule a D and C. I asked her to leave me alone with my husband for a little while so we could absorb this shock. I had a D&C that afternoon. I left the house that morning pregnant and came home empty. I couldn't help but blame myself. What did I do differently with this pregnancy? Did I exercise too much? Did I drink too much Diet Coke? I also kept thinking that if I just hadn't gone to get that ultrasound that evening, that none of this would have happened and that I would have been having a baby tomorrow. I know that none of that is plausible or that any of it was my fault, but there is still that tiny bit of denial hanging on to me. My heart is heavy now, a palpable ache fills my chest with the weight of sorrow and the baby that will never be. I don't know if I can set myself up for this pain again and try for another baby. Many people just say that thank goodness you have other children, pushing aside the 4 1/2 months that I sacrificed for that little child in me. And other people will say that thank goodness you lost it before 20 weeks, you didn't have a chance to bond. Bull Crap. The second you find out you are pregnant, you start a connection and the planning. I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen for quite a few years; she has a little 8 month old girl. She named her Lauren. That was the name I wanted if the baby was a girl. Little things that keep cropping up. Anyway, I've rambled on long enough. I know that I will never forget it, but I won't let it pull me down.