Due March 2009

In July 2008 after feeling "weird" (headaches, nightsweats, fatigue, weird cravings) i decided to take a pregnancy test 'just to be sure" and it was positive. My boyfriend and i had only been dating for about 6 months and when i called him i was HYSTERICAL. He didnt even believe me though until we went to  a dr. and then he was scared too. Then just a week later i started getting severe pains in my side so i went to the hospital and they told me that I had an ectopic pregnancy and that it would need to be terminated so they gave me a shot and sent me home. At the time my boyfriend and I were both upset but mainly relieved because it meant that all the decisions had been taken out of our hands. However, that was until a week later.

After going to a follow up visit they found that my hormone levels had not decreased and they wanted to do another ultrasound to find out what was going on (this was also a different hospital) then after a very uncomfortable 30minutes the doctor looked at me and said "What are you hear for?" and i said "...becuase i have an ectopic pregnancy and my hormone levels have not dropped" and he said " ok so...who told you, that you are ectopic?" I didnt quite understand so i explained about the other hospital and then he turned the screen and said "well, heres where the baby is, its no where near the tubes, its right where it should be" THIS confused me more-how could they have been so wrong, what did it mean? Would the shot for the ectopic still affect the baby if it was where it should be? Upon entering the hallway i couldnt stand to look at my family or my boyfriend because i was numb and trying to make sence of it.

After awhile of waiting the obgyn came in and explained that because of the previous hospitals mistakes I would lose the baby....but it took another month and another treatment for me that to happen.

Now I dont really know what to feel or think. I was only "pregnant" for a week before learning that it wouldnt work and then a week of worrying and a few minutes of hope thinking that the maybe the shot didnt work and then a month of knowing I was losing him/her, while still somewhere holding out hope that maybe it could be alright somehow. I didnt get a chance to make plans so i feel silly grieving but i do. Everytime I see a girl whos as far along as i would be right now, or pass a baby aisle, or see baby clothes i feel like i'm going to die. I just wonder how long before i can be normal again and whats left....

firefly21 firefly21
22-25, F
1 Response Feb 16, 2009

I go for physiotherapy for an injury I have and it happens to be right next to the women's & children's department. Soon after mine happened, I was waiting to be picked up and a woman came out with scan pictures in her hand. She and her partner were about to carry on walking when she thought she hadn't been given the right amount of pictures and she stood right in front of me, pulling the pictures out and looking at them. Right in that moment, I wished that there was a hole I could have crawled into and not come out until she was gone.<br />
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I keep wondering too, when well I feel normal again and I worked out the answer to that is I don't think I will ever again. This event in my life has altered me and it's irreversible. To me, I'm just doing what I can to find the right person and environment to have a baby even if it takes another five years because I feel like that is the only thing that will stop this empty pang.