A Very, Very Rough Year...

  Hello everyone. I'm new to this site.  I thought I would share my story. I am 26, and have been living with my boyfriend, now my fiance, for about a year and a half now. 10 months ago, to make a very long story short, I had a very traumatic ectopic pregnancy that dragged on with excruciating pain and horrible complications for two and a half months. I was very depressed for quite some time afterward. It took me many months to get over, both physically and emotionally...   I have wanted to be a mother for my entire life! I was so scared that I would never be able to have children after this....  Then in January we got pregnant (by accident again! We were being so careful too!)  ...And we were on Cloud 9! We were SO SO excited about this baby. Especially me, having been so afraid that I wouldn't be able to have a normal pregnancy after the ectopic. I took such great care of myself. I ate great organic foods and stayed as calm and happy as possible. I rested and slept a ton and made sure I didn't lift anything heavy. I took prenatals....  And then on the day that was my 4 week mark I woke up and grabbed the camera getting to ready to take my first "before" belly picture, and suddenly I realized that I was bleeding heavily and I began having contractions and passing clots. It lasted most of the day and I was in a lot of pain....  And needless to say, I was absolutely crushed. All of the many pregnancy symptoms I'd been having already vanished fairly quickly. It's been about a month and a half since that happened now, and things are pretty difficult. I like to think that I've gotten past it, but I just haven't...  The other day I watched "Knocked Up" for the first time ever because I heard it was really funny. It was, but at the end when the baby was born I cried for about a half hour...  And I used to feel all warm and fuzzy around pregnant women. Now I struggle between that feeling and another one that's winning out for me right now: jealousy and anger.  I worry that I might not be able to have children, even though not a single family member of mine has ever been infertile and I have always been a very healthy person. ....The doctors tell me these things were just a fluke. And my friends tell me their mothers went through ectopics and miscarriages before having multiple children. Inside, I feel that that will be me as well eventually....  But right now I just have this overwhelming despair and fear of "what if."  Another thing that is painful right now is that I haven't shared this latest miscarriage with my mother or any family because my parents frowned so much upon the ectopic.  Believe it or not, when I told my Mom way back then that I was pregnant she got panicky and upset, and when I told her it was ectopic and would have to be terminated she said, "Oh thank God. That's a blessing."   ......I think I cried more over that than anything else.  She later apologized of course and felt bad about it, but it's hard to forget words like that...   Without support from any family this is very difficult, and my fiance is very supportive and loving but he just can't relate and doesn't understand.  I just feel very alone right now.  :( :(     Anyone out there with any advice??

Trudy82 Trudy82
26-30
2 Responses Mar 20, 2009

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss... I know where you're coming from. None of my family knew, my boyfriend tried to be supportive, but nothing he ever said could help the numbness and feeling of being alone.<br />
My advice is what you've already done. This site is what helped me, reading other stories, and talking to other people who genuinely can understand what's happened to you. Talk some more to your fiancée too, I know it's hard, but it helps. Good luck! x

from Sydney Australia. it is kind of normal. like your friends experienced. no point worrying just get on with it again. don't let things not going your way get in your way.<br />
thanks for your story.