I Am So Angry!!!

I AM SO ANGRY AT THE WORLD, AT MYSELF! I SIT HERE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS SCREAM!! THE SADNESS IS SOMETHING I NO LONGER FEEL, JUST ANGER. IN NOVEMBER I LEARNED I WAS PREGNANT. MY FIRST PREGNANCY. THE FEELING OF BEING SO TERRIFIED YET SO MOTIVATED, EXCITED, LIKE CHRISTMAS MORNING WHEN I WAS FIVE YEARS OLD. I WAS SO READY TO FACE THE CHALLENGE, SO READY TO FEEL LOVE AND BE LOVED AND LEARN AS WELL AS TEACH AND WORK MY *** OFF. I HAD PURPOSE BEYOND MYSELF. A PURPOSE, A PHENOMINAL PURPOSE OF GIVING A LIFE, A LIFE THAT WOULD NOT ONLY BE EXPERIENCED THROUGH HIS/HER EYES BUT ALSO MY OWN. I AM SO F#CKING ANGRY. IN NOVEMBER I WAS DIAGNOSED TWICE OF HAVING A MISCARRIAGE THEN A MONTH LATER THE MISCARRIAGE WAS PROVEN WRONG, INSTEAD I HAD AN ECTOPIC PREGNANCY AND WAS IN SURGERY WITHIN AN HOUR, MY LEFT TUBE WAS TAKIN OUT. THEN A MONTH AND A HALF LATER, TODAY, I GET CALL STATING THAT I HAVE ABNORMAL CELL FORMATION OR SOMETHING OR OTHER. WHY!!! WHY IS IT THAT I CANT SUCCEED AT ANYTHING!!! I AM 22 ALMOST 23, AND I HAVE FAILED AT EVERYTHING THAT HAVE TRIED. I AM SUCH A F#CKING FAILURE. WHEN I WAS 11 YEARS OF AGE I FIGURE SKATED AT THE TOP OF MY CLASS AND WON FIRST PLACE IN THE ORLANDO FIGURE SKATING COMPETITIONS, BUT I HAD A CYCTIC FIBROMA OR SOMETHING. I GUESS IT SOFTENED AN INCH OF BONE IN MY RIGHT FEMUR WHICH MEANT THAT I COULD NO LONGER SKATE BECAUSE I USED THAT LEG FOR LANDING WHENEVER I SUCCEEDED A JUMP. THEN WHEN I WAS 19 I JOINED THE AIR FORCE. WOW THE FEELING OF ACCOMPLISHMENT WAS AND IS HARD TO DESCIBE. I ENDED UP BEING DISCHARGED AFTER 3 MONTHS BECAUSE I WAS UNABLE TO WALK BY MY SIXTH WEEK. I HAD MULTIPLE STRESS FRACTURES IN BOTH FEET, MY ARCHES FELL, SHIN SLINTS, AND MY RIGHT QUAD STARTED TO DETACH FROM MY BONE. THE CAPTAIN STATED, "YOU ARE NOT GOING TO HEAL RIGHT IN HERE, PLUS YOUR ARCHES FELL. YOUR BEST BET IS TO RESIGN AND HEAL UP AT HOME, CON LEAVE WONT MAKE MUCH OF A DIFFERENCE. THEN AT THE AGE OF 21 I BRANCHED OFF I GOT MY OWN APARTMENT, JOB, FULL-TIME STUDENT. THAT FAILED BECAUSE I WOKE UP ONE DAY AND EXPERIENCED UNBARABLE PAIN IN MY STOMACH. I WENT TO THE ER AND WAS ADMITTED FOR 1 1/2 WEEKS BECAUSE MY WHITE BLOOD CELL COUNT WAS OVER 17,000. I LOST MY JOB, MY APARTMENT, BUT LUCKILY MY SCHOOLING STAYED IN TACK, I WORK HARD IN SCHOOL. AFTER ALL I PULLED IT TOGETHER ALTHOUGH I DID NOT GO A DAY WITHOUT BEING SICK. AND THEN I GOT A DESCENT JOB, THE APARTMENT, HEALTH INSURANCE ETC. BUT WHAT NOW, WHY NOW? WHY ME? AS SELFISH AND SELF CENTERED AS THAT STATEMENT IS I CANT HELP BUT BE PISSED OFF AND ASK. WHY THIS. WHY CANT I JUST HAVE THIS ONE HAPPY SPOT. THIS ONE CHALLENGE THAT WILL BRING JOY AND LOVE, THE WHOLE PACKAGE THE UPS AND DOWNS THAT I FEEL I DESERVE. I WORK. I DONT DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE FRIENDS, I AM RESPONSIBLE AND I TRY REALLY HARD TO DO THE RIGHT THING. I KEEP MY NAME CLEAN, I TREAT HUMANS LIKE I WANT TO BE TREATED. I AM A GOOD PERSON. I DONT STEAL, PRETTY MUCH I DONT HARM OR TAKE FROM OTHERS, I WORK FOR EVERYTHING I HAVE. WHY THIS, TAKE IT ALL, I DONT CARE, BUT WHY THIS!!      

quanta quanta
22-25, F
Feb 19, 2010