Worst Day Of My Life... May 29th, 2009

i have been through a lot of tough stuff, but yet -- who hasn't, right? i remember this like it was yesterday.

i was at a girls night. we had so much fun, just laughing and talking. and hanging out. i had told my boyfriend, of then -- five months, that i would be over the next morning to spend the day together. and then, i put my phone down. i was telling my friend kayla i was experiencing pregnancy type symptoms. and that i would be getting a pregnancy test the next day, because then i would have been late over a month... she said she would always be there for me. and i began to get really excited. all day that day, i had been experiencing wretched cramps.. but no blood.

the next morning, i drove to my boyfriends house. we were watching a movie at the time with his little sister. for about two hours, i was still experiencing the wretched cramps. and by the time where i felt as if i was bleeding, they got more intense. i ran quickly upstairs, and held my stomach. i looked down, and saw that i had bled a little. it was coming out in clots though.. the largest clot took about three minutes to finally pass through.. it was a huge clot, that just fell down into the toilet bowl.

i began to feel overwhelmed, and shocked at the same time. because i was certain i was pregnant. i just knew i was...

(sorry if this is gross, guys..but) i grabbed out the large blood clot and i held it in my hand. it was flesh looking, yet spiny feeling. i fell to the ground, and started to cry. trying not to believe what had just happened. no, this didn't happen. i thought to myself. i didn't want to.. i calmly got up, and put it back in the toilet... and then, stood there looking at it.. debating on what to do. i flushed the toilet... and i watched it go down the drain.

i washed my hands, and silently walked down the stairs, and sat next to my boyfriend. he kissed my forehead, smiled at me. and said he missed me. i just nodded, and looked away. he asked me what was wrong, and i just got up and called my sister. i told her what had happened. what i had experienced. she had a miscarriage when she was my age, too. so she knew what it was. and she told me. i cried for hours, and i didn't know what to say. so i hung up the phone. and i told my boyfriend. 

 

he wasn't as upset as i was. he was just relieved that i wasn't pregnant, and he didn't care about my pain. i left his house and spent the rest of the day with my sister and my nephew. she knew how to make me feel better, and i was ready to go home. i drove back to my boyfriends, and then we headed to my house.

 

not a day goes by that i don't think of what could have been. i wanted to have that baby i flushed down the toilet, and i wish i didn't flush him/her. i should have buried it. chris became more understanding about three weeks after what had happened. 

 

this is my story on my miscarriage. i hope to never experience this again. it was horrible, and i am sorry to all those who also know what i went through. my remorse and prayers go out to you, ladies. 

kKakes99 kKakes99
18-21, F
5 Responses Mar 1, 2010

Thanks hun, you too :)

It is extremely hard.. I know exactly what you mean. Thank you though, :) I'm sure you will make an amazing mother one day as well :) Good luck to you in the future, and may this never happen again to you. <3

Its so hard isn't it? I see so many friends who are mothers or pregnant and just think, this should be me! I can understand how hard it must be for you with the friend that took drugs etc. I'm sure you'll make a brilliant mum one day though xx

I don't think you do. Sometimes it gets easier, but whenever I find out about someone being pregnant -- and seeing my friends have their babies, it makes me wonder... Why couldn't I do that? Like, my friend was pregnant for the whole 9 months, drinking, smoking, doing drugs... Didn't even know she was pregnant, so she didn't go to the doctors at all -- and she carried her baby to full term, alive and healthy.. And I look at her and how her baby is now, and it's like -- I knew I was pregnant, without even knowing FOR SURE, and I stayed away from anything harmful... sometimes I don't understand.. I'm sorry to hear about your loss also, RIP to your little one as well.. <3

I'm so sorry, you never quite get over it do you? I knew I was pregnant, so did my bf/family. After initially being upset, my family were really excited and had been buying things for the baby, I only found out at the 12 week scan that little one had died at 9 weeks. I went to hospital to be induced and miscarried in the hospital toilet on the 15th of November. It was so awful, I just felt so angry at the time that the baby had become messed up, when (s)he was so beautiful on the scan. I left the hospital a few minutes later, and it upset me that I didn't get to take the body with me to bury. I was in so much shock and anger when I was at the hospital I didn't think straight and felt guilty for leaving the baby behind :( worst experience of my life, you don't realise how much you love until you've lost. Take care hun, you are not alone. RIP to your little one x