A Near Death Experience: My Awakening To Reality/Divinity

This is the first time I have put my story into writing, though I have told this story many times before. I can’t quite articulate my reasons for finally putting this story into writing, and for posting it on the internet: just a sudden inspiration to share my tale. I have seen every possible reaction to this story: most people think I’m crazy and this is all in my head (by the way, your whole life is in your head), or fabricating this story. In their defense, the story is quite inexplicable—I can’t fully explain what happened to me medically—I can only share what I experienced, nothing more (and, of course, what happened medically is irrelevant, the only thing that matters is what one experiences, and the wisdom gained from the experience. it would be unwise to use the rules of this world as a measuring stick for reality, as this world is quite temporary). Many people are horrified and never speak to me again upon hearing my story, but some people find inspiration, understanding, and great joy when I tell them about my experience. It is worth facing all the negativity of most people for the few that understand, and the people who are currently negative will understand one day, when it is their time for understanding.
My story is quite lengthy, though I feel you will find it interesting and extremely detailed. It is in four main parts: a prelude (a hallucinogenic trip that occurred a few months before my NDE), the poisoning (which left my body in very poor health about a month before the NDE), the NDE (my health gives out), and the aftermath (some interesting events after).

(prelude)
The story begins in the Fall of 2004, I was a freshman in college, 18 years old, constant drug user/abuser, self-medicating my chronic depression. I took every drug I could get my hands on, though my favorite drug was always psilocybe mushrooms. I met a philosophy major who had a cow pasture behind his house that grew an extra-potent strain of psilocybe cubensis mushrooms. He said that everyone who ever took these mushrooms told him that these were the most potent mushrooms they had ever taken. Naturally, I had to eat my stomach full of them and trip out with his friends. There were six of us total, three guys, three girls, but one of the guys had second thoughts and decided not to trip.
I began to feel the effects not long after ingesting the mushrooms. As the psilocybin was taking effect I had a very singular experience—it was the only time in my life that vomiting was pleasurable—I felt waves of pleasure traveling from my stomach, up through my esophagus, and out onto the grass in front of me. I looked up and saw the back yard extend for miles, and realized I was melting into the grass. My sense of hearing was extending as well. I heard the rest of the group anxiously discussing my condition: “Is he all right?” “He took a lot of ‘shrooms” etc. To reassure the group of my intensely mounting pleasure, I looked over my shoulder toward the back porch upon which the group was perched, and shouted, “This is ******’ awesome!!!” (then immediately began vomiting again). My outburst was met with much hysterical mushroom laughter.
After I finished my strange vomiting session, I liquidly walked to the back porch and rejoined the group, all of us were laughing hysterically at our severely altered mind states, except for one girl, who began thinking that we were plotting against her (she locked herself in a room and petted a cat for about two hours, thinking that everyone in the group was evil and was somehow against her—she came out after her two-hour hiatus when she realized she was just having some previous bad-trip anxiety—she had a good laugh about it later). Out of 6, the four of us who now dominated the porch with our bizarrely augmented mind-states proceeded to simultaneously get completely caught up in our own worlds, and yet connect on a higher mental level and share a collective consciousness (after the trip, we all talked about how we all got caught in a time-loop together, strange that we all shared that same experience of one girl saying “I want some coffee,” hilarious laughter, something happens inside the house that catches our attention, we go inside, suddenly we are outside again and a girl says “I want some coffee,” and then we realize that all of this happened before, and it will happen again, and it is happening now, and we are saying each other’s lines and giggling, but also being quite shocked at these events, over, and over, and over, and over again.) At the peak of this experience, I was so ****** up that I could only play with my hands in front of my face and giggle. I felt like I might be connecting with a divine source, but chalked it up to “It’s just the drugs.” (I was an atheist at the time).
The point of telling this part of the story (the prelude) is simply to let you know that this experience was, at the time, the most incredible experience of my life (hadn’t had the near death experience yet. the NDE makes mushrooms look a cup of decaf by comparison). This experience left me feeling depressed when I came down. I wanted to feel the good feelings again, not the endless, bleak darkness of depression that is my usual paradigm. While I was tripping, I felt that I made this deep connection with these people, but it was just the drugs. In truth, they didn’t really care about me, they just cared about the fact that I liked to get high / trip.

(the poisoning)
I wanted to feel happy again, so within a few weeks of this experience (perhaps late November or early December 2004), I was searching a different cow pasture for mushrooms, though it hadn’t rained in a long time, so the only mushrooms I could find were the ones rotting in the field from the last time it rained (they were psilocybe cubensis mushrooms, I can ID them very easily, as I’ve tripped mushrooms countless times before, it’s just that they were turning black and were obviously very sun-baked, too, from being in the field so long). I thought “What’s the worst that could happen to me? It will probably just make the vomiting worse.” I didn’t find out until later that the bacteria or fungus or whatever that breaks down the mushrooms is toxic (found this out later from a chemistry major mushroom-grower friend that I met a few years after my NDE—he said he knew of growers dying from eating rotting mushrooms). Not long after taking the mushrooms (13 or 14 rotting ones), I felt that something was wrong. My thoughts began to race, I got very dizzy, and I noticed a very strange headache. My first idea concerning my condition was “Am I having a bad trip? Or, am I having some kind of reaction to the mushrooms?!? Is this a stroke or something!?!” (it wasn’t a stroke—mushrooms are totally non-toxic, as long as you pick the correct species, and make sure they are fresh. no one has ever died from the psilocybin in mushrooms, just as no one has ever died from the THC in marijuana).
I decided I needed to make myself throw up. Before I lost any driving ability, I decided to make a quick drive to the nearest pharmacy to get some ipecac (yes, I know driving was a bad idea, but in my panic I felt it best to procure ipecac before this would become impossible). Upon reaching my destination, I walked over to the counter and asked the pharmacist if he had any ipecac; he didn’t. I felt my face lose its color, saw the pharmacist’s eyes widen, and asked, “Do you have anything to make me… [twitch] … throw up?” To which the pharmacist’s voice lost its depth and squeaked in fear “No!” He looked like he was ready to call the cops or a hospital, so I left the store immediately.
I was really feeling disoriented as I made my way back home, tripping on the toxins, terrible fearful dark thoughts of thinking I was going to go insane and die, and strong feelings of pain throughout my body and in my head with an intensely mounting headache that felt like pressure building up in my brain. When I got back to my place, I felt the psilocybin kicking in. I had the thought “If I live, I’m not going to be the same on the other side of this experience.” I decided I needed to make myself throw up manually. Normally I have a very reactive gag reflex, as I hate the thought of vomiting. I was feeling the back of my throat with my finger, but I couldn’t throw up (I guess the toxin that rots the mushrooms is an anti-emetic as well, because psilocybin doesn’t inhibit gag reflex at all—one thing shroomers get quite used to is vomiting).
The hallucinations of the mushrooms were beginning to come on strong, and the now-evil trash can laughed defiantly at my pitiful attempts to abort the on-coming mind-****. I didn’t want to call the hospital—I was still thinking at this time that this could be just a really bad trip (plus, I didn’t want to deal with hospitals and parents and the strongly drug-prohibitive society that we live in—“Just say no, [except, of course, to alcohol and tobacco] and don’t question anything” Luckily, I live alone, or someone would have definitely forced me to go to the hospital at this point).
The horrors I experienced on this rotting-mushroom-toxin + psilocybin-trip escape words entirely. I frantically ran around my place, freaking out, in terrible pain, both mentally and physically. My body was trying to flush out the toxin—I had developed the most intense thirst I have ever had in my life. I drank, I estimate, between two to three gallons of water throughout the night—and my thirst was never sated. I got to the point where I was urinating about every five minutes, which was horribly painful, I had excruciating pain in my lower back (I think this was kidney pain from filtering the toxin) as well as abdominal pain (is there a such thing as liver pain when poisoned?) and my headache was so intense I thought my brain was going to explode. I ended up in the shower… crying… with my hands over my face, saying, “What the **** is happening to me?” The hallucinations were intense. I saw my liver jump out of my body, and I had to stuff it back inside or I would die. Everything around me was evil, and hated me, and maniacally rejoiced at my pathetic condition. I had a vision that I called the hospital, and doctors and nurses were speaking medical jargon over my dying body “We need 50 CC’s of… (etc.) We’re losing him!” I died in the hospital. I then saw my parents crying at my funeral. I snapped out of my hallucination and realized I was back at my place, very weak, still freaking out in bizarre and horrendous thought-worlds.
Somehow I managed to make it through this experience, which lasted nearly all night, and I passed out from exhaustion. I woke up the next day feeling terrible. I had many lingering effects, and I decided it would be best if I quit using drugs for a while.

(the near-death experience)
My health was very poor in the following weeks, and any time I would drink a little alcohol, or smoke a little pot, take some coke, etc. I would find that my health would slip and it felt like the poisoning trip was coming back on all over again. I finally decided I needed to quit using drugs for good. Every night I felt pressure building up inside my head, and every night it got worse. My body continually got weaker from this experience, I didn’t seem to be making much of a recovery—some days were better and some days were worse.
After several weeks of sobriety, in January of 2005 (now 19 years old—my birthday is in mid-December), and feeling a little better, thinking this whole thing might have been in my head, I was hanging out at night on the porch with my friend the philosophy major, talking about death and how terrified I am of it (ironically, I was returning the movie “Donnie Darko” which I had borrowed from him). His younger brother sparked up a joint nearby and I felt very conflicted. I wanted to smoke, but I also wanted to stay sober and not take a chance—I didn’t know what to do. I eventually decided “I have to know if this is all in my head.” I walked over to his brother, and he passed me the joint. I took just two hits (and this was just regular swag, not any potent kind of pot, and no, it wasn’t ‘laced’ with anything, either). Within minutes, I felt the pressure building up in my head to intolerable levels, and then I felt something pop inside my head. My whole body felt sort-of numb, and I felt strangely uncoordinated. I tried to play it off and tell myself that this is just in my head.
This wasn’t working, so I told my friend, “I’m not feeling so good,” to which he responded “No, you’re feeling O.K.” This freaked me out. I had bizarre thoughts like “How does he know? Is he inside my head? Can he read my thoughts?” I was feeling intense pain coming on in my body, and in my head. I said “I’ve gotta go.” As I was leaving, about to drive away, his brother said “Wait… peace!” and gave the peace sign. I also gave the peace sign, but I was having horrible hallucinations. I had this disturbing thought that “This is The Send-Off.” I can’t quite articulate the horror of this thought, but it seemed a very surreal experience of the signal of the final chapter of my life.
Driving home, (yes, I know, a bad idea again, but luckily it was rather late at night, and there were only a few back-country roads [and only one main road] between his place and mine) my experience in the car was one of sheer terror. My whole body was in pain—it was the most intense pain I have ever felt in my life—like what I imagine being tortured would feel like—intense pain beyond description that you absolutely can not escape. My brain felt like it was on fire. I felt electricity shooting through my spine. I felt that this would indeed be my last drug experience, one way or another. I’m crying and freaking out, absolutely convinced now that death is coming for me, as this experience already has a very different quality from the mushroom toxin trip, and two hits of a joint rolled with swag-grade pot is not enough to cause anything this intense. I made it back to my place and, freaking out beyond what I can put into words, ran over to the mirror, and was horrified by what I saw.
My face was paper white; my lips were turning blue. My thought was “O.K., now this is when most people call the hospital.” Before I had enough time to decide, I noticed that my pupils were dilating (they were already at about the "cocaine" level of dilation). I watched in horror as they dilated even past the point of hallucinogen levels (huge pupil with a thin band of iris showing). When my pupils dilated all the way, I felt my knees buckle and I felt myself falling forward toward the bathroom sink, but in that moment, time stopped. This is the point in my story that truly goes beyond words, but I will describe my experience as best as I can. Time absolutely stopped, and I felt as though I were floating, like an astronaut in space. In the moment that time stopped, all the pain completely went away instantly. It was as though it were a miracle for such pain in my head and the strange electrical sensations in my spine to just disappear.
In this moment, the world burst forth into amazing light, such that I absolutely cannot describe. Its beauty is far beyond anything that I can describe, and I saw colors in the clear light that I’ve never seen before. In this moment all fear of death was annihilated, as well as my chronic depression that, in a way, wished for death to end my miserable life. In this time-stopped moment, I understood all things. Not in a way of learning, such as one would learn a new mathematical formula, this understanding was a remembering of an ancient knowledge that all of us always had, but had somehow forgotten. In the light I felt bliss and joy beyond what any drug experience, sexual experience, art experience, etc. could possibly give. I realized the divinity of all life: we only appear separate as we inhabit this body in this world, but we are actually part of a sacred being/force that Christians call “God,” Jews call “Yahweh,” Muslims call “Allah,” Hindus call “Brahman,” Taoists call “The Tao,” Buddhists call “Nirvana,” etc. I finally realized that all religions were pointing to this one truth at the core of our being. I realized that The Living God is not an angry judge in the sky, is not male or female, and does not favor one religion over another—The Living God is the loving source from which all life comes forth, and all life returns to.
The entity that I thought I knew as myself (the ego, the separate self in our head with a human name) was completely annihilated, and I remembered my true self, my/our unity with the divine. I realized that this state of mind is our original state, and it awaits all people, regardless of religion (or lack thereof), who are open to accepting it, which is everybody, eventually—I realized the truth of universal salvation—it doesn’t matter how far you descend into the darkness, the light will always welcome you back without judgment. When I experienced time beginning to crawl slowly again, I managed to hobble over to the bed and collapse, I said goodbye to everyone and everything I knew, and I left my body behind.
The dynamic of being one with God is amazing. It is joyous, it is psychedelic, it is spiritual, it is sexual, it is everything you’ve ever experienced in your life all at once—one can see how all experiences of this world have their source in God. With God, everything is so vibrant and alive and mystical and hilarious and joyous, being one with everything in a dynamic living mandala of divinity, complex beyond comprehension, yet simple beyond comprehension as well.
Dying is like going away on a long journey, yet it is like coming home. It is like being at the greatest party you’ve ever been to, yet it is like serenely meditating in blissful solitude on a beautifully forested mountainside. It is funnier than the most hilarious thing you’ve ever experienced, and more serious than a solemn gaze of love from your significant other. It is far more psychedelic than any drug one can put in one’s body, and yet it is far more simple and sane than even the most seemingly stable of human mind-states. God has all the friendship-love of your best friend, all the intimate/sexual-love of your lover, all the nurturing love of your parents, all the contentment of the love of oneself. It is musical, it is silence. All the senses: sight, hearing, touch, taste, smell, and mind, combine into one reality that is the pure knowing of experience itself. The past, present, and future meld into the eternal “Now,” the true name of eternity.
One realizes one’s immortality, not as this ego-self, that gets to live in a place called heaven where one’s friends are and you live in a mansion and buy lots of stuff and the bad people go to the negative inverse of this place—no, the reality is the immortality of the divine self, a self not separate, a self that is transcendent of the duality of self and other, right and wrong, black and white, male and female, up and down, joy and sorrow, left and right, God and Man. I realized that duality is a temporary manifestation that has come from, and dissolves back into, the divine source of unity. Duality is like a crack in a mirror, showing two selves where in reality there is only one, or, like a prism turning clear light into the visible spectrum of colors. I think that perhaps the purpose of the existence of duality is the illustration that upon experiencing good and evil, joy and sorrow, one realizes what one always wanted: unity with God (which, ironically, is what one always had).
I wish I could fully express all that I experienced that night. Every time I try to fully comprehend, understand, and put into words my experience, I just end up crying tears of happiness being thankful for what happened to me, and failing miserably to verbally articulate such a transcendent experience.

(the aftermath)
I was quite shocked when I woke up the next day, as I had already said goodbye to my separate self and fully accepted death. I had the worst “hangover-like” effects I’ve ever had in my life: pain and achy-ness everywhere, a terrible headache, no energy. Worst of all, I was beginning to forget exactly what I had learned: I still had the “gist” of it, but the essence had slipped through my fingers. I found myself once more in my ego self and I was actually quite angered by the fact that I had lived. I felt like I was cheated out of my happiness, which was only to be found on the other side of death. I decided I was going to kill myself.
I figured if two hits of swag triggered an NDE, some potent stuff could kill me. I planned to buy some KB (kind bud—potent pot) and smoke as much as possible. Then, if the pot didn’t kill me by triggering that explosion in my brain, I would shoot myself with my pistol to finish myself off.
I wanted to take one last look at the world, so I actually went to my college classes, weak as I was, and observed what I would be letting go of. I saw people going about their meaningless lives, speaking about what doesn’t matter, believing that the ego-self lives forever, enjoying their trivial materialism as if any of that really matters, and suppressing the urgent need to face death and fear and realize that there is nothing there. This was absolutely the darkest day of my life. I walked as a dead person among the living (but spiritually dead). My thoughts on life were bleak; I figured “What is the purpose of living any longer now that I know that the highest happiness is beyond life and death?” Walking between classes, I saw a pot-dealer that I knew, and lined up a deal. He told me to call him later and he would have the pot. I rather sickly enjoyed the fact that no one knew what I was about to do. No one cared to know, as people rarely ever speak to me, and would freak out if I started talking about death, since, of course, you are supposed to put it out of your mind, and use life as a distraction, rather than as a learning experience. I thought that there could be no point in speaking about my near death experience, since no one would understand, or even care. This day, I saw only the darkest elements of humanity everywhere I looked: the love of money, the love of the ego-self, meaningless conflict and comparison with our fellow humans, and in general, the valuing of what is without value and is temporary, with life’s true gems being either taken for granted, distorted, or discarded.
After my classes, late in the afternoon I called the dealer, but he didn’t answer the phone. In this moment I was granted a brief recurrence of the near-death wisdom as I was given a vision of my death. I saw myself smoking and then shooting myself, and I died laughing. I saw myself committing suicide in some other way, and I still died laughing. Then, I saw myself not killing myself, but accepting however long or short or painful the rest of my life may be, dying of natural causes, and I died laughing. I realized that no matter what I do, I die laughing, I die happy, knowing the truth. I die enlightened. This snapped me out of my foolish post-NDE depression.
Instead of seeing people living meaningless lives consumed by trivial things, I saw people living lives primed for realization—I remembered my realization that truth awaits us all. It is a blessing that life is a learning experience. No matter how far away we get from truth, we can return to the light of God in an instant. God’s divine plan allows for direct revelation for each of us in our due time. I was being absolutely ridiculous entertaining these thoughts of suicide—I realized I wanted to live the rest of my life as a learning experience, and I no longer cared how painful it would be—for truth is worth any price. I saw every being as a living Buddha, an awakened being; the only thing separating our total realizations from one another is the thin veil of the illusion of time.
With my newfound appreciation for life, I had a sudden inspiration to switch my major and study music, specifically, classical guitar. I found I had been given a new ability: the ability to compose music. I found that I heard and understood music in a totally new way, which sparked my creativity (I was previously not creative at all). When I create music, I feel that I am one with God, that we create together and through one another.
I also began to study religion/spirituality with a voracious appetite. I saw the unity of the messages of the masters; their teachings help me remember the wisdom gained from the NDE. All my life, I thought that my happiness was “out there somewhere” and that I simply needed to go find it. I realized that happiness is not an effect from external causes: “if I just find the right person, make enough money, take the right drugs, etc. then I’ll be happy.” I realized that happiness is a realization, an awakening to this very moment as happiness, total bliss, complete truth, endless love; this happiness is dependent upon nothing, one need only to stop looking for happiness, and find happiness within. I finally understood the words of previous masters: Buddha said “Peace comes from within, do not seek it without” and Jesus said “The Kingdom of Heaven is within you.”
The years since 2005 have been the greatest in my life. They have not been without their particular difficulties, though. The road to recovery and to spiritual realization has been both challenging and rewarding. I had strong after-effects from this experience for about two years. I had a permanent headache (yes, a 24/7 headache that was sometimes better, and sometimes worse, but always there, until it went away around late 2006, early 2007), and severe panic attacks / hallucinations / freakouts also for these two years. I can say I am truly grateful that I lived, and healed, and now have a chance to put the wisdom I have learned (remembered) into practice. I was an atheist for so long, but since my NDE, spirituality has become the absolute most important thing in my life. Though I still look forward to the day that I shed the heavy burden of this world and rejoin with God, where there is no more confusion or sorrow, I have finally learned to let go of the dark feelings of depression and love the present moment. When I start to feel misunderstood, and have trouble relating to anyone who hasn’t experienced something this profound in their life, I remind myself that within each of us is the seed of enlightenment, a lotus in bloom. Confusion and strife is momentary: we will soon understand each other fully in paradise.
I’ve many more stories of incredible events that have occurred in the years since my awakening in 2005, but I feel I should stop here, as this concludes this particular experience.
If you have made it this far, thank you for having the patience to read my tale in full. Whether you enjoyed my story or not, I love you and wish the best for you. We are one. Hopefully your realization did not / will not require as much suffering as mine did, but I am a rather stubborn person. Some people need only a gentle push in the right direction. I required an explosion.

Peace, Truth, and Love,

Matthew (a.k.a. WhatIsMu)
WhatIsMu WhatIsMu
26-30, M
46 Responses Jul 31, 2010

Your description is vivid, colorful, poignant.
Beautiful.
Hope you have found peace.

That was incredible. Thank you for sharing. My significant other passed away 3 weeks ago. And I want something deeper, something meaningful, something to help me connect my "here" to his "there", something that makes sense. Something real. You wrote your story over 5 years ago on here. So glad you did.

Matt,

I've read many near death experiences but I admit that your description of life after death and feeling/duality of life/unity/everything is just so vivid and amazing. It is the closest I've ever read to the inexplicable feeling/knowledge of universal consciousness. Thank you for sharing.

this story is amazingly comforting to some degree. ive been going through this depression after a near death experience i had a year ago, only mine was not from drugs, but meditation on death, a gradual journey over a few months into the afterlife, and beyond. also, its been a little more hard for myself, because i wasnt asleep when the ego slipped back in,i felt myself being pulled back through from the other side. it had features of this side, only it was formless, it was inside me, and i was inside it, but then felt ego as an invisible physical force pulling me back to my body, i still don't know how it happened, why, it just did, and that has been the toughest to understand, but i totally know about the headache after coming back from the dead. it is the worst, and you cant tell where you are for some time after, i had very vivid dreams of hell in the classical terms of hell. in the very moment of coming back, i felt myself to be in a hell realm during my being awake as well, only it wasn't fire, but i felt naked spiritually, i felt a cold chill all over, it felt like the air was burning my skin, and it was thick and heavy, everything was extremely dry, and dissatisfying, still kind of is compared to heaven, but not as bad as it first was, i too had to drink allot of water, and life hurt more than ever, going to the bathroom hurt. i would not wish what i went through in that period on anyone. i felt trapped and alone in a place where i experienced demonic energy all around me, people either seemed like god looking through me in disgust, or they were the devil laughing in my face. i felt like adam and eve falling from Eden, people and life appeared distorted. life has changed since, it isnt as terrorfying, but still not the same as before the experience of death. in this current life i am still stuck trying to remember all that i knew of the afterlife world, and how to return. it is strange the feelings i have, fear of being killed, yet also wanting to die, how do i live now?, but i was dead, why am i brought back? what is it all? am i evil? has god cast me out for eternity or am i going through something further in realizing self? was i dead? am i dead now?why can't these thoughts just stop? but i have to remember that we are all in this together, we all want to find our peace in life, that inner space of love. been searching, and find that i am not the only one who has experienced this, so it gives me hope. i have much difficulty in life, trying to get along, its difficult with feeling life physically, but your soul cries out for escape. im still so out of whack, and wanting to return to god. feel allot of guilt and shame, confusion in practice, relating to people's issues, while im stuck in mine. mine are not of wanting things of the world, but of wanting to detach from them, finding my standing with god, but it has become hard. hope some day soon, it will all fall into place, and i will be able to transcend once again, and be able to help others. i hope my story does not scare anyone from taking the spiritual journey, as you can see, i am still here, and deffinatly out to help others, not hinder them with fear of hell. i would say that if anything positive to take with this, is that you know ahead of time there is the possibility to fall from grace, but it is not an end all. before the word, you are fallen, after the word you are fallen, either you fall into the light, or out, but you can always go back to the light when ready. i had fallen into the light, but was pulled back out, so it is like i have another new life to fall back into the light. keep up the good fight, thank you for your story!

I had something similar happen to me
Had been a robitussin addict for many years beforehand, each time I tripped on a high dose I'd think I was dying and this light would creep in ever so slightly... But I was terrified of it. Over time it grew and grew in intensity. I had been suicidal for awhile, but at one point I decided I was really going to do it. I stopped drugs at this point too. I began letting go of everything- realizing I had to say goodbye on the inside and love everything as it is, forgive it, and part with it. As I did this, I began to feel the light while sober, at random intervals. I began meditating, and this culminated in an experience much like your own. The light revealed itself to me as god. Like you, I was intensely athiest before all of this. My dreams started taking on new life, like I was seeing realms more real than this one, but I found I couldn't "settle" with them.

So one day, I listened to this one particular song and it set me off- suddenly I felt the light -coming to take me away- while still alive, and I felt love, forgiveness, ease, as I never had before. It'd come in waves and my heart would race to match, I realized if I let it go entirely I would have a "spontaneous" heart attack as I ripped my true self from within me away. As it grew stronger, my brain tempted me with more and more reasons to stay, anything from hate to love you name it. And I was able to forgive and let go of them ALL, because at this point I was truly the REAL me. So I was mere seconds away from my perceived death, dying in just the right way, when the final thought popped up and that was my mom being sad when I was gone. And I felt FRUSTRATED, because she would have no idea where I was going, how my joy could not prevent her sadness! And the light stopped entirely. I only get faint flickers of it now, because I have a reason not to let go.

Not really NDE in the traditional sense, but I was near death psychologically. I still have lingering fears these days, but I'll never forget when I did not.

Omfg friend that is intense. Glad you're still alive, something like that happened to me I have an allergic reaction and couldn't breathe for a whole minute thought I was gonna die but I was ok. Great story

I enjoyed reading your story, and wish we could someday share our story's. Same as you my NDE came from shrooms. I ate a quarter oz at the age of 17. It was a very hard time as I was just a senior in highschool. I never told my parents or anyone I kept the feelings in my head and didn't tell anyone. My family made me feel guilty because in a way I abandoned them because the person they raised me to be was no where to be found. I choose to do shrooms as a recreational drug I didn't decide to do shrooms to have a NDE and a huge spiritual awakening. But these feelings were so powerfull that I could not escape them or ignore them. I couldn't sit down and play video games anymore I couldn't waste anymore time I knew my physical life was short and I knew my spiritual life now was infinite and we are all just one. I felt myself die over the span of a year I tried to reach back at my memories and connect to this person I was but I could never get that same feeling. This person I was reaching for I saw but I couldn't. Feel. That person in all my pictures, that person that was once "me" is dead. It took a while to accept it but now I finally have. Idk how it feels to think "normally" I seem to see logic quicker then all my friends and don't take quickly to temptation. I feel more in tune with reality then my mom and dad so I don't really listen to them at all or even think about there advice. Sex now dosnt turn me on like a feral dog like it used too. I want to be with a girl that I love and I can relate to on a spiritual level. I don't tend to trust people who havnt done hallucinogens as I feel they are on this same distraction we call life,and there answers to all my questions are unoriginal and only come from THEIR experiences in life not what is right or wrong . I don't recommend hallucinogens anymore as I don't believe I have the right to pressure someone to alter there consciousness because humans like myself are naturally made to explore the unknown. So people don't actually realize the strength, and change they must accept. Depression plagued my life for two years after but now have subsided along with the anxiety attacks. I believe enlightened people are the physical recreation of gods. And now I see everyone as a bunch of yellow labs only knowing what there owner taught them completely unoriginal in there own thoughts always looking and only believing what other people tell them with ought the desire and confidence to create there own facts.

Excellent writing mate. Excellent.

I don't even know where to begin or anything.. Dammit, I'll just say, good luck on your personal journey.

Dude...your entire experience of your dying and the aftermath of what you went through, is exactly what I underwent after my NDE caused by a hypoglycaemic attack...I have been looking for somebody who has undergone the same experience, and here you are. I need to get you on Facebook, Matthew. Please, please add me. My name is Jaime Ribeiro, my FB profile is /jaime.ribeiro.52, please add me. I have been desperate to speak to somebody who has been trying to get to grips with reality after dying....This article may have saved me in bigger ways than I can state here. Thank you!

Thank you for your story, mine is kinda similar. I was and still am so pissed off that I woke up after my NDE. I just felt so much pressure was gone but why, why did I have to come back. I was hospitalized for 3 months, all my organs were shutting down. I had necrotizing pancreatitis. Glad you found a way to deal with it, maybe someday I want be so depressed about it.

Feel free to chat, your experience with God was very hard hitting, wouldn't have wrote it much more beautifully. Tho I've had no nde I did come out a my shell and to 'oneness', I'd describe it as all emotions in one with a stick of dynamite in there, yep unexplainable, just great LIGHT-
Anyway

Wow your very lucky to have had that experience! You shared it so well when I was reading it I was so in the story it was like watching a intense movie in my mind thr way u described what being in the presence of God was like..wow!..I can feel that! I feel less afraid to die and I have a renewed outlook on life and people...thank u so much for sharing

I am speechless"""" Really I truly am. Thank-you for sharing this story, I can't think of anything else to say but thank-you

Great story brother..

I first heard of near death experiences in high-school, and in that time
experiencing with hallucinagins... all got me very curious in Eastern
Philosophies, particularly Buddhism and now Hinduism...
Sometimes it seems the universe makes us learn our lessons the
hard way. Hope things are going great for you.
Om, peace, shanti, good luck on your path.. -T

Thank you very much, I cried when I read your story a few years ago. And I cried again when I read it again. I am going to message you in a while.

Thanks for the NDE story 'WhatIsMu', it was very well written, I liked it. :-)

Beautiful story. Thank you so much for sharing, I also had a NDE on mushrooms, and it changed my life. It lead me to search for and eventually find my spiritual path Falun Dafa. (An ancient Qi-Gong practice out of china based on Truth, Compassion and Tolerance, it's always free by the way www.falundafa.org) I knew that I needed to find a way to reach that peace that I had experienced in a natural way, and I have at times tasted it again. I also went through a depression after my NDE, trying to cope with the darkness and meaningless of this material existence. For a long time I felt that there was no one I could talk to because I wasn't interested in the shallow meaningless things that they were obsessed with and I knew they'd never understand me. Over the years I've come to see that behind the shallow facade all human beings have the divine in them and all are hungering and thirsting for the divine, though they may not admit it.

whoa, this is an amazing nde story, that's intense man.

I suffered toward truth and light as well. Thank you for sharing - amazing story.

Thank you Matthew. What an inspiring story for all. You found the "isness" within. Very good description as to how there is nothing to "learn" as much as somethings to remember. You transcended the body dual, and went to what we call "NOW".
Peace love and all that is.

Your story really inspired me. I believe that near death experiences are proof that we in fact have a soul. I'm studying Philosophy, and the duality of the body and the soul is a very controversial subject. I never had a near death experience, but I can somehow relate to your story.. It's strange. I think there are a lot of things that science can't give us a reasonable explaination to, but it doesn't mean that what you have experienced isn't real.
I get what you mean with people constantly trying to flatter their own ego all the time, it's tiring to see that there are so many people wasting away their lives on empty things, trying to fill up some void, which they even don't know is there, until they become conscience of it, if they even figure that out.. The only thing we can do is helping the ones surrounding us, and hope for the best. Peace.

i read all of it, its incredible, thank you
Love, peace & freedom

Thank you

I also had a NDE from taking large amounts of shrooms. In my trip (after I transcended from my body) I had these visions/feelings of doctors trying to revive me and people crying as i slipped away. I don't remember how I got into the situation of drifting away from consciousness because my consciousness was stuck in this "shroom world". That was a few months ago and I still can't shake the thought, most nights, that I'm in a coma in a hospital bed, wasting my life away. Although from my experiences I have came to believe many of the same things you learned, and have completely changed the direction of my life. WhatisMu i'd love to talk to you more about your experience and mine since none of my friends have had a similar experience. Great job on describing the indescribable.

Wow! Matthew, what a terrific account of your enlightenment! Very similar to my own experience and conclusions, although no drugs were involved -- not that I am passing judgment. I believe depression is not the psychological problem society makes it out to be, but rather the Universe's tool to get us to grow spiritually and emotionally. It seems depression opens one's eyes to the futility of living for the ego, social acceptance and material gain. All contentment and need for love and approval can be gained through genuine connection to the Universal Love. God wants to be pursued before I AM begins showering us with radiant, mind-bending, mentally orgasmic Love.

Hi there. Thanks for sharing your story. The same thing happened to me the one and only time I ever ate mushrooms. I was not depressed or in a bad place at all; I think I simply ate too large of a dose. I had a terrible time, I was in hell for hours. I kept feeling like my throat was swelling and I was going to die, and fighting to convince myself I was normal. When I let go of that fear and let it carry me away, I had the NDE. It blows my mind, no matter how many stories I read - we all have the same experience. I feel exactly the same as you. I'm not in a hurry to die, but I do not fear death, as I know it will be peaceful and liberating. I have told many people my story, but yes, some are afraid of it...some don't believe. So I generally keep it to myself, unless asked.

"I realized I wanted to live the rest of my life as a learning experience, and I no longer cared how painful it would be—for truth is worth any price."<br />
<br />
I am at a loss for words to respond in a way that would do justice to the story you shared. I love your ability to put into words what you experienced, even if you feel that words could not do your journey justice. (How could they?) Beautifully done; I can feel your longing, resignation, and finally, acceptance.

I am back to let you know I re read your post from beginning to the end.<br />
I just needed the reconnect again<br />
<br />
Love, Light and Blessings ,<br />
<br />
Elf

Wow that was an amazing story!!! I cried!! And I rarely cry when I read stories on EP. Ive had a similar experience as you... I know what it feels like.. The love from the divine, from a higher source... It's nothing like the love you can feel from another. Nothing of this world! When I felt the love I instantly felt ashamed and I wept like a baby. I did not feel worthy of such love... It was pure and real. Non judgemental. I told only a few family members for fear that no one would believe me. Since then I've been like a babe in the woods. I want to feel that love again!! But it's not here. It only exist in paradise. I do not fear death because I know when we die only love waits us. Till then I do my best each day. I have my ups and downs.. life is a roller coaster ride for sure. I'm glad I came upon your story..Thanks for posting I needed to read something cool. Been having rough times. Hugss

When I was nine years old I had my tonsils removed while under either. What I experienced was myself moveing towards a opening to a black tunnel. There was a <br />
loud roaring sound that I could hear. But when I tried to enter the tunnel there was a large<br />
barrier of rotateing barb wire. I had to go back and whatever time it was after that moment I woke up. Later in life after reading Dr. Moody book of Near Death Experiences.<br />
The tunnel was mention by many that had NDE,s where they had traveled throught it to the light. Apparently It was not my time.<br />
God certainly does exist. We are spirits in these human bodies to learn how to help <br />
and love one another while on this earth. I to one day when my work is done on this plane of existence look forward to returning home to my creator. Jesus said' that he who believes in me though he be dead yet shall he live and he who liveth and beieves in me shall never die. Luv to you all and peace be unto you.<br />
Digger

I loved reading your experience. I had an experience that brought me to the same realisations and ever since I've had so much trouble putting it into words and expressing it to those around me. Hopefully now it will be easier. Thank you!

I have been searching the internet for so long since my similar experience to find someone who could articulate theirs in complete accordance to mine. I thank you for putting it in writing as I am thinking of doing the same. You made me feel calm again. I experience anxiety these days and am surprised by my fits of panic as I feel like I am transcending. My depression had been relinquished as far as I was aware since my near death experience on mushrooms. However, disconnecting spiritually and rejoining the herd of our sheeplike human society is easy to accomplish when you stop reading about and talking to people that understand. I can feel my brain hum with all the thoughts that run through it every second. I feel like my brain waves travel within a realm of its own and am connected elsewhere far from here but I have forgotten that it's a beautiful thing for I have a beautiful mind and not a wasted one. I have the ability to scare people with my beliefs. Thanks to your story I am again at peace with the now as I remember that there is no real time. I am privileged and pity majority of the world who aren't granted the absolute enlightenment to see beyond open eyes. Behind closed eyelids is where I found truth. I stopped doing drugs completely because I no longer feel any desire to. However a few years ago, I was a regular shroomer. You can say a summer went by where I had shroomed about 3 times a week recreationally along with other psychadelics. I came home from a music festival which popped by psychadelic cherry and piked my interest in exploring this new vivd world. I had a scary experience where I too ate a toxic mushrooms that were sitting in a friend's closet for 3 years! I had the very last bit of the bag. A SMALL dose compared to what I had been doing back then. It started off as what I thought was going to be my first bad trip. I believed back then that mind is a rock and nothing could break down its walls. There was pit or core to get to and welcomed anxiety with open arms just to laugh in its face. This time was different. We were going to the MOBY exhibit in the museum of natural history which was in a planetarium. WOW! I wish I hadn't freaked out. I got lost in my head and began to feel nervous. I looked over to my friend and said "I think I'm about to have a bad trip dude" we got up and immediately made our way out. I felt myself losing my sight. My friend's voice seemed to drift further and further. Death wasn't what I was concluding this to. I simply thought I was experiencing a bad trip where I was about to lose my grip and all control and possibly turn schizophrenic. Everything in my visual peripheral turned pixelated and then lost color and eventually lost texture and turned white/yellow or just light. I felt my knees buckle and I nearly fell. My friend caught me and then I suddenly regained consciousness. He said to me that he had never seen a person turn so white before. I could walk and I could slowly see again. I had literally felt myself leave and come back. I felt calm but I was screaming inside my head. I was silent in the cab ride sort of murmuring and trying to understand everything as i was feeling it. As I mentioned before, I am mentally strong and could normally push this away but this time was different. Once home, I paced from room to room.I thought if I sit still my conscious state of mind would shut down and my unconscious state of mind would take over and my grip on reality would be lost. I hid under a pillow and for all of one second I felt safe and sighed thinking it can't find me here. Little did I know, I was hiding from none other than me. Literally. I thought I was losing my clinical mind and finally I decided to stand up to myself and said "so be it I'm done. What is so called insanity without sanity? **** it. I'm dead. good bye." I disconnected with positive and negative and decided there is no backwards and forwards there is just now and all i can do is let it all go. As i truly embraced my new "hell", I took the pillow off my face and all of a sudden my stomach stopped hurting and i curled up into a ball as I felt like I was flying FAST through the universe. I was crawled up in a ball and lost any sense of language, family, and emotion. I was no longer scared. I wasn't sad or happy. I felt numb. I recognized everything but identified with absolutely nothing. I soon lost awareness of me being in a room or what my name was. I can describe it as floating in eternal light. I was in FULL control of everything which ultimately meant nothing. i was being ushered to safety. I guess you can say that nothingness is an actual feeling. It is the most beautiful feeling to identify with. Nothingness is oh so very something. I'm feeling happy right now as I sit writing away because it feels good to remember. It feels amazing to read another story. Thank you for describing something so profound. God is us. We are a piece of the larger puzzle and with our minds, we can fly for free. I can't explain if this was the feeling of birth or death because I did feel like i was in the woumb of the universe so very close to being born into myself joining with the light and energy the rest of the universe holds. There seems to be a very fine line between death and birth. I felt like a child of the universe. It almost sounds cliche but I get it now. Thinking about it today I still can't put it in real words. I wish I could revisit as I pleased. I wasn't sure what happened really. You put it so beautifully in your writing that now I am finally sure what exactly happened. I came back slowly and begged to stay a bit longer. I felt myself becoming sad as my mind joined my body because I knew that none of this is real. I too had thoughts of killing myself because death was only a beginning to the rest of my being. The few days and weeks that followed were bleak and devastating. I felt so uninterested in everything. I wanted to take off all my clothing and join the native americans to find my place in nature. It took some time but i finally learned that it was a foresight to a beautiful beginning but a journey at the same time. So here i am on my journey as a human with an understanding that i am god and you are god. we all have in us energy that controls our every being. Together we encompass such an extraordinary phenomenon. We are part of something so much larger than we know and then I realized that was my religion. As I regained consciousness, I looked up and said "thank you" I have no idea to what but it escaped my lips with ease as though it were appreciated. Today as in right now, I am going to sleep very well and wake up happy. Life is such a beautiful experience. It's all what you make of it. I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to gain knowledge through spiritual experience and not text.

I honestly don't know where to begin !!! What I just finished reading right now happens to be the best piece of written work I ever read in my entire life !!! Your Biography was interesting, scary, spontaneous, funny, sad, great, exciting, and so much more words that I just can't think of right now ...the reason why I say biography and not NDE is because there were several parts, Not just the NDE part. I'm never the type to go to the library or buy a book for the love of reading, I actually find it boring unless its something that I'm passionate about or have a sincere interest for. I'm not just talking about the NDE on its own ( which was nothing short of amazing in my opinion ) but the way you were able to express yourself in writing was just incredible ... I would be shocked right now to find out you're not a writer, seriously, i'm so serious ... I believe that a good writer is one that has the ability to grab the readers full imagination and make him a part of the experience which the writer is trying to convey, while maintaining the readers full interest, and you did just that without any pictures and sharing your most inner expiriences . Here I am sitting in front of my computer, Knowing that I have to study for my Math Final tomorrow, and the more I read from your Biography ( up to 2005) the more I could care less about studying. I felt like I was gaining true knowledge from reading your work. I feel like your that friend I haven't come in across with yet, I feel like your that business partner who I haven't had the opportunity to network with, I feel that your talent for writing shouldn't be wasted !!!! I almost feel like publishing this story and selling it on the streets but I would never do that unless its something you might want to pursue yourself and allow me to be a part of, this is coming from a person whose not a fan of books. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I happened to read everybody comments as well because of my curiosity of what people would say after reading such an incredible piece of literature, and i'm glad that in doing so, i was able to find your contact for your youtube account and I will immediately request you as a friend while listening to the beautiful creative music you have posted on there. If you happen to see a friend request by badboygq3, thats me. Thanks again, I honestly don't think you realize the talent that you have !!!

Okay, I finally started posting some of the music I've been making since my NDE! (I've finally posted another story from my life, as well) These electronic pieces are directly inspired by the strange, beautiful, psychedelic music I heard during my near death experience. If anyone is interested, here is a link: http://www.youtube.com/user/TheNotoriousHippIE

"......and failing miserably to verbally articulate such a transcendent experience."<br />
Your vivid details and explanation is both an articulate ex<x>pression of your experience while also being one of teaching and foreboding, as well as, inspirational and insightful. Thank you for sharing your experiences. You have confirmed many things for me that I have always believed.

Matt, thank you for sharing your story. I am Zack's mom. He shared it with me. I am a Jesus freak and a yoga teacher. My greatest passion, besides being with my family, is to facilitate the awareness of our union with the Beloved, to see the Beloved in everyone I meet and in all of nature everywhere, and to communicate this vision. We are one and swimming in an ocean of Love. Now is all there is. Present moment, holy moment. Only love is real. Like Julian of Norwich said, "All will be well and all will be well and all manner of things will be well."<br />
Peace and Love in our unity,<br />
Ani

Mathew you made us cry.. and i really appreciate you posting this real story<br />
i am fed up of this world and dont want to live anymore but afraid what would happen to my parents and those who love me ...

For so long I have searched for clarification in my mind of my own experience, your words were so real I thought if I could write my own experience of being one with god this is how I would write it... beautiful is the only word I can describe for your accurate tale. I thank you so much for your story, I'm gradually getting stronger and would say my own experience which is only a day old (shrooms in Amsterdam) coupled with your words have kicked my *** out of suicide mode and more to the acceptance that life is truly a gift best experienced fully. <br />
<br />
One day we will all be together in the paradise that is God<br />
<br />
Thank you so much

Indeed you are blessed to have had a Divine Transformation. Any experience that can change a individual for the good is always a blessing. <br />
<br />
Light, Peace & Blessings<br />
<br />
Remain Blessed.

Hi,<br />
<br />
I haven't had any NDE but I have most definitely experienced what you described Mushrooms and yes even with not so potent pot afterwards. I always wondered if anyone had experienced the same thing and if anyone could actually describe it. I for one can't find any words to do so. I don't know if i am completely "healed" at this point but I have experienced more happiness and beauty in the past year than I can express. Life is absolutely beautiful now and music (singing for me) is such a beautiful way of connecting feeling one. <br />
<br />
Honestly I am really glad to have read this and i'm secretly hoping that this is fate and will lead to greater things. maybe I am silly. But I'd love to hear your music. anything you've done or would do into a mic. Maybe we'll connect. Maybe not. Either way we'll always have this beautiful truth. <br />
<br />
Cheers

Thank you for sharing your amazing experience. I had a spiritual awakening when I was 13 that changed how I life and think, and I discovered my true self then, I'm 21 now. I've researched NDE's for years now. Hope to hear from you!<br />
<br />
~Crystal

I am honored by your comments -- it feels good to hear from others who are either curious about this type of experience, or, have had their own realizations of the Truth within. I feel blessed that my story can touch another's life -- that my experience wasn't for myself alone, but for others as well.<br />
<br />
I will post some more stories from my life sometime in the near future, when I am inspired to do so. In these stories, I think you will find that my NDE becomes a recurring theme: it's one of those things that forever changes your life.

Greetings to you in the NOW!<br />
I am pleased to find someone else who is in tune and has a knowing...understanding. of the Light.<br />
i read every word with great interest and have found the eloquence of one who knows.<br />
There is little of importance here beyond the lessons and our purpose of perfecting that which was gifted to us.<br />
We are one with each other and the Light......it just requires a rememberance to connect and know we are immortal and eternal.<br />
We are all a tiny spark of God sent out for our education of living a different reality and continually recycled through experiences until we reach our final eternal connection as perfect souls.<br />
<br />
I will be reading more of you............I wish you......<br />
<br />
Love, Light and Blessings,<br />
<br />
Elf

I have read a lot of NDE experiences trying to find someone who has experienced something like I have. Your's is only the second. I feel a need to share with you because this is the thing in my life that I feel most isolated. I want to tell someone but really, who do you tell? I understand how hard it would be to believe something like this. It would be hard for me to believe if it hadn't happened to me. The reactions I have gotten the few times I have told anyone range from outright skepticism to polite condescension. It is late and I don't have it in me to write about it right now. I'm not even sure if you will ever read it if I post it. It doesn't even matter that much I don't think. I just need to write it out and tell someone what happened when I died. Someone that doesn't have to believe because they know. I will be back soon. Thank you so much for taking the time to write your story.

i read your experience because i was looking for some kind of proof that there is a god. I've been so confused lately on whether to believe it or not. i just feel like i need to see it to believe it. which im sure no one can blame me. I dont know how to get my eyes open to see the big picture. You had an experience that helped you believe...helped you see. I in particular dont want to have a NDE because i have a fear of pain and not being able to breathe, i cant imagine not breathing it makes me panic. I have only been questioning this all because my boyfriend said his friends mom was dead for under 5 minutes then the doctors got her to breathe again. She said she met got and she felt like she was there for 2 days, and that he said to her "it isn't your time to go." she told my boyfriend this and her son. I dont believe that she was lying, but how do you know that it doesnt feel like a dream from your unconscious mind? i am just having a hard time believing any of this if you could reply whenever you read this please email me at McKileSmiles@hotmail.com. i will be waiting for your response someday.

No god.
Endorphin hallucinations, that's all.

I would like to hear about your life since 2005