In 1998 I was severely intoxicated and jumped off a 20 foot high wall at a church in San Marcos, TX.  Yes, it was a Sunday morning as well.  I had "shattered" my heel bone as the hospital said, broke 2 bones in my arm and lacerated my neck.  The neck laceration was the dangerous part.  I was in a blackout until after the jump when I "woke up" in severe pain and shock. 

I tried to stand up but that didn't work out and I only had one arm to pull myself up with.  I managed to drag myself up a 3 foot wall to get off the sidewalk and onto some grass.  I lay there and I experienced the most profound loneliness I've ever felt.  It wasn't even a feeling so much as a truth I was being shown.  That if I did not change there would be a world waiting for me with no one else in it (which is way scarier than it sounds).  I was laying on my side and as I remember I was given a choice to roll on my back and live or roll on my face and die.  I rolled on my back and eventually some people came along and called an ambulance.  I truly believe that if I'd rolled on my face I would've died.

ReformedAutomaton ReformedAutomaton
41-45, M
16 Responses May 18, 2007

Well, I

Interesting... How have your beliefs about death and life changed since this experience??

Well overall I've become a more spiritual, positive person. I still have many doubts and questions and fall short in many ways of my own expectations of myself. I want to be a more loving person but struggle with social anxiety and substance abuse.

In which ways have you become more spiritual specifically? How were your spiritual beliefs before and after comparatively?

Keep up the good fight. Relapse is a part of recovery. Stay strong and face up!

I 'm very glad you made it. I don't know what you must have went through, but I'm glad you are still here.<br />
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I have a belief that we come to Earth by choice and that we have a spiritual journey to complete here. I believe that the trails and tribulations that we go through here were agreed to by us before we were born. We pick our family, or choose not to have one, we pick our race, we pick our situations because what we go through in the Earth makes us better spiritually (if we succeed) when we go back home. (heaven)<br />
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People who leave here by suicide only come right back because they have to fulfill the plan they selected before birth. I believe there are darker spirits that will try to take you, too! They are not ghosts, though. And if you actually believe that the Creator loves you now, has always loved you and will always love you no matter what happens you can get through anything. But love of self and how to love the self is very important in this journey.<br />
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I also stopped believing in Hell. Christ said you would surely die if you did not practice the love teachings he brought to the world. Death does not mean that you continue living in any form ... you die and it would be like you had never been born.<br />
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He did not say you would burn in Hell forever or in a lake of fire. The Creator does not want or need to scare you into the spiritual life of total Loving. And, he is not a sadist. He gets nothing out of watching you suffer somewhere forever. Hell is a creation of man. Now I do believe in Hell on Earth in everyday life. I believe mankind can get so lost that they let the dark in and therefore we can create our own types of Hell.<br />
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Stay with the love of life you have found and Always know you are loved even in the depths of darkness, pain, and betrayal. I have been there, too and Love is the only thing that kept me here. Love keeps me very safe everyday.<br />
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Peace and Much Love to you all.

Are you a Mormon by any chance?

I had a moment like that. I was standing in the pouring rain on the edge of a bridge at three in the morning after crawling through some alley to dodge a few security guards. Looking down, I could see traffic stretch out into the city maybe forty feet below me. I just thought "what the hell am I doing like this?"

Yeah I've certainly had many "accidents" in my years of using. Bad things do happen to sober people too but not nearly as often.

Nicely done! Keep up the good work.<br />
Isn't it amazing how physically safe we are when we are sober? Life can really work against you when you don't work with it.

well my last drink was Jan 26th 2007 but I relapsed with cocaine in Sept 2007...nothing since so I'm over a year sober...doing great!

So, when was your last drink or drug???

Wow...this is way "deep". I am glad you are still alive!! Peace.

Wow. This is profoundly moving. I'm glad you rolled face up.

Wow!! thats deep babe. I'm glad you made the right choice.

I wouldn't call it strength but maybe hard headedness. I seem to be able to take a lot of beatings and still get up. I'd love to pass some of that along but I'm not sure if you'd want that.

...and here I sit feeling sorry for myself, not wanting to fight anymore and I see that you did and you're here and you are making it work. Can I borrow a little of that strength?

Some people say it's the zip code...78666...but I don't believe that. I don't believe much in mysticism but I did have a number of other strange experiences there. There was a huge flood there in 1998 (same year as my accident) that flooded my house with 4 feet of water. Also, the house I was living in before was set on fire by one of my roommates (2 weeks after my fall)and was not habitable for 4 months.

What is it about San Marcos that makes drunk people jump off walls? What is it about that town, period? I always have had a good time there, but there's a darkness to it. Something's never quite right about it. It's like you wanna go just a little too far because you have to. Does that make any since? I never feel quite right when I'm there.