Puzzles Work Better With All The Pieces

I'm not quite sure if it was a bona fide example of a nervous breakdown, but it was definitely a new occurrance to me.

She was one of my first real female lover. I had recently begun dating other girls, but she was my first real 'girlfriend'. It was my senior year of high school, and every thing at the time felt so powerful. She was always very outgoing in public. She got along well with my family, and there was never any problem starting a conversation with her. But when we were alone, she was light on words. Instead, she would always do these amazing things. Little acts of appreciation, of genuine concern and love. There was romance in all that we did together.

I began the relationship with a bit of apprehension. She was more experienced with dating other girls. And she possessed many traits that were very different from mine. She was part native American, a budhist, a vegetarian, and much more extroverted than i was. She also had a quite a bit of emotional damage. She was a cutter. And not just her wrists, she wasn't just looking for attention. The words 'LOSER', '*****', 'UGLY', and others had been scarred into her upper thighs. When she would upset, she would bite herself, to the point of drawing blood. Though, all of this was hidden from the public.

Yes, I was apprehensive, but this also attracted me to her so much more. Her dark rebellious side. (not that cutting herself was rebellious, just the aura she had about her).

There was so much passion in everything we did together. Candle lit picnics on the beach, evening walks through the park, making out in the flickering light of a projector room were regular activities we shared. She introduced the mixture of pain with pleasure to me. I'm not really into that stuff, but when it was from her, I proudly bore the bruises and bite marks under my clothing. It was all so powerful.

One night she was very upset. She called me, crying and I rushed over to her. She was frantic, and turning all her anger inward, as she usually does. Her razors were out, but she hadn't used them yet. I hid them from her. I sat on the floor next to her, trying to calm her down. She started biting herself, but I quickly stopped it, and gave her my hand instead. I didn't want her to hurt herself. Instead, I took her pain that day. Tears and blood ran from both of us, but she finally calmed down.

I stayed with her a few days until things were better. And a few days later, I found a note to me on my computer. She wrote about how much I have been helping her, and how thankful she was. And that I was the reason she was still alive, and turning away from the razor, not just from that oneincident. She told me how deeply she was in love with me. It was one if the most romantic things I've ever read. And later she posted something similar online.

And then, not even a full week later, she calls me and breaks it off with me. Saying that its nothing wrong with me, but she was turning 18 soon and wanted to go to the clubs, and didn't want to feel guilty for dancing with other people.

And that was it. It was over, and that's the reason I got.

I was just in total shock. And things just sort of broke down. I stopped sleeping, I hardly ate. Nothing seemed real around me. I was frantic all the time, spoke in a rush, and just couldn't take my mind off of it. And it was more than just emotional heartache. I've broken up with people before, and this wasn't the same old mourning. I think it was just because i didn't understand it. Things were going great, we were at a high point in our relationship, and then its over. It didn't make any sense to me. It was like a math problem that I couldn't figure out. I couldn't shut my brain off, it felt like a runaway train. I literally felt insane.

This went on for a week. No sleep. Just wonder,doubt, confusion, and remorse. And then I see online, that she is already hooking up with some dirtball guy (not that I think all guys are dirtballs, but this one very much was). And the gross, and lewd things they would say... Things you wouldn't want your parents to see.

Well, let's just say that I got a little upset, and wrote something very rage-filled to her.

She responds, publicly about how the real reason that she broke up with me was because that she just wasn't attracted to me, and she just didn't want to hurt my feelings.

It wasnt the best feeling in the world. But anger was better than confusion. At least I could sleep again.
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1 Response Jan 11, 2013

First off, contrary to what she may have thought, I find you super attractive.

Now.....you shouldn't question your worth nor your value in the relationship. Of course her actions bring up some questions about how she truly viewed you, you should rest assured that you were a compassionate partner in the relationship.

Unfortunately not everyone understands nor values true friendship because it's a "me first" world, but you've shown your cards and you have a very big heart. I hope this experience doesn't sour you on relationships in the future :) Good job Laura :)