Maybe A Breakdown

 Ok so around December time I had a few minor experiences that were upsetting and distressing for me. I have coped with some traumatic experiences in my past, but I got through it, and now I am 17, go to a College and doing Art which I love, and also have a boyfriend who I love. Just over a month back I smoked some cannabis (which I have before and considered myself pretty okay with it) but soon discovered it was a very unpredictable drug, and I had a "weed panic". This was like the hugest panic attack, feelings of pure terror like I was going to die - and worst of all - my worst fear - feeling I was going insane. It was a terrifying experience. Shortly after this, my mum kicked me out of the house, including my boyfriend - we stayed in a bed and breakfast for 2 days. We had to ask the hospital for help as I had never been homeless before and they acted exasperated with me for some reason, and I realised I was no longer a child and I was being treated like an adult, and it made me feel frightened and alone, frightened of how independant people expected me to be all of a sudden. Nevertheless, i consider myself someone who has got through a lot. Since then I have had panic attacks on the bus, random feelings of fear out of nowhere so now have got prescribed anti anxiety pills from the doctor - I looked up the symptoms on the net and came up with Panic disorder - which I realised I have and developed - one of the symptoms being fear of going insane - so it reassured me for a while. Shortly after this, im back home but still have the worst arguments with my mum, where I tend to get very aggressive (I forgot to mention I also have aspergers, a form of autism). I've been having depression so bad that it makes me lay down and not want to communicate or move, and just cry for long periods of time. It comes and goes, but I was like that for about 3 days.. my worst fear is still here, about going insane .. I am TERRIFIED of things like psychosis, and last night i spoke to my boyfriend and he answered - but then I looked and realised he was fast asleep. This could have just been a dream but was very real, and im just terrified if this was some sort of hallucination. This is a horrible experience whatever it is, and im hoping to find others who have felt similar, it will make me feel less alone.I hope someone takes the time to read all of this, Thanks x x

Daisyegg Daisyegg
18-21, F
Feb 11, 2010