I am over flowing with uglies.

I've been getting nightmares again for the past 2 weeks. They were all about getting raped or murdered by men. When I wake up from these kinds of nightmares, I feel anxious and I cry till I puke.

...What the hell is wrong with me? It's like I'm crying over spilled milk. It happened 4 years ago, why do I still get nightmares? Why do I get flashbacks? Why is it whenever someone talks about sex, I get anxious and cry? Why am I still hurting? Will it always hurt? Will I always cry? Why can't the pills make it stop? Am I some kind of robot and is my brain hooked to some kind of hurting machine?

I just want to function normally. The pain becomes over bearing sometimes, that I lose my sense of reality and forget what is real. I thought my disorders were supposed to go away as I grow older. True, it doesn't happen as often as before, but when it does happen, it hits me much harder than before. 4 years and the pain feels just as fresh as it first came.

How dare I go out into the world with a smile on my face when I am feeling this way. Nobody deserves to be fooled by a fake smile. They don't deserve to see how ugly my feelings are right now either, so here I am, hiding behind a computer screen as I type ugly, hurting words onto this website. But what difference does that make? Random people from the internet are going to read this, and they're going to see these uglies. I guess all that matters is that they don't know who I really am.
Nethaera Nethaera
22-25, F
Aug 30, 2014