My Engagement Ended And I Feel Terrible... I Still Really Love Him, But I Don't Know If It Could Ever Work.

My engagement ended a couple of days ago. I am still reeling from the series of events that just took place. Yet I do feel a sense of relief. But it's mixed with a sense of fear/anxiety about the future and what I'm going to do now. Where to begin.....

Well,I will try to keep this as brief as possible. I met my former fiance at the church we both attended. We were both really lonely, and we had a mutual friend in common, so one day we decided to hang out, just as friends. But we found that we had a lot in common, like our faith in God and our conservative values in life and politics, as well as desire to get married someday and start a family. I thought there were some odd behaviors that he did from the beginning, but I ignored them and focused on how loving and kind he seemed to be. I quickly began spending all my time with him and his family, which includes his mom and dad, brother, and grandmother (she lives next door to them). I went to church with him and his family, we went to art museums together and on various other "adventures", and we always documented everything with lots of photos, and sent each other postcards from the places we went together, etc. It was all very cute and fun, and it was nice to have someone to cuddle with and watch movies, etc, too. He became my best friend and I was also very physically attracted to him as well.

So what was wrong, you may be asking? Only that over the course of time, it became apparent that he had ADHD. The behaviors he has include talking too much at times, interrupting myself and others a LOT, compulsively biting his nails (like at church) constantly talking through things like church and movies, restlessness when sitting for a long time, etc. This is why he was not a good student and didn't finish college, and why he was pulled out of school and homeschooled (from what I can surmise). He also has a tendency to blurt things out in public, does not share secrets very well, speed walks ahead of me when we go places, and would often rush me, tell me to hurry up, or get impatient when other people were "too slow", etc... also, he had a tendency to get very angry very quickly at times, although it would usually only last for little while. Also, he could be very impulsive at times, which was a scary thought when considering marriage...

In short, I tried to work on these behaviors with him, and even tried to talk to his family and lovingly point out that I thought he may have ADHD. I was hoping that we could take a natural approach and see what vitamins/supplements he could take in order to manage his symptoms and give him some more balance. However, his family does not want to hurt his feelings and would not really confront the issue. He did not really want to take the steps to change. At times, he would say there was nothing wrong with him, and at other times, he would say that maybe exercise would help or that he would try to be a better listener, not interrupt, not leave me in the dust when we went places, etc. But nothing ever seemed to change.

Still, I was so blinded by my love and care for him that I hung in there and tried to make it work. We got engaged, and he and his family and friends were thrilled. I, however, was having very mixed feelings, and a lot of doubts kept creeping in. I know I love and care about him a lot, and he is my best friend. On one hand, we have so much fun when we're together, and we think alike in many ways, and our values and goals in life line up almost perfectly. On the other hand, some of the behaviors he did really bothered me, and I found myself becoming more and more anxious and even somewhat depressed as time went on. I wasn't excited about wedding planning, even though I tried to psych myself up by buying wedding magazines, and I even bought my wedding dress and had it shipped to my house, and took the steps to get it altered, etc. But standing there looking at myself in the mirror in my wedding dress, I had the most horrible feelings of uncertainty and stress. I had lost weight without even trying, because of the stress of trying to make the right decision. I looked in the mirror and felt drained and worried. Not the feelings a bride-to-be should be experiencing. People were asking about the proposal, and I found myself not really wanting to talk about it. I thought when he proposed that I would be excited and happy, and I was to an extent, but the fears about the future and his unwillingness to acknoweldge certain issues blocked my ability to be fully happy and at peace.

I don't have the energy right now to share more, even though I've left out a lot of details. Suffice it to say, it became apparent to both of us that I was not excited or sure about getting married to him. I had prepared myself that I was going to be married, start a new life with him, and move into an apartment together. We had set a date, gotten our Save the Dates in the mail, and picked out the venue and reserved the tuxes. We had come so far, but with each step I felt more unsure. So he called off the engagement, and I gave him back my ring. He packed my wedding dress into my car for me (I had been storing it at his grandma's house). He let me keep the promise ring he gave me, which is Emerald (my birthstone). I'm still wearing it. And his mom texted me and said she hopes we can still be friends, and told me what a loss they were all experiencing, as I had become part of the family. I am just so devastated. Part of me thinks, if only he would have looked into getting a natural treatment of vitamins/supplements, gotten on a regular exercise routine, etc, then maybe it would have been manageable and we could have had a wonderful marriage. But then other people say that perhaps he need someone else who will just accept these behaviors and will not be as bothered by them. I feel like a terrible person, in a sense, because he is a great guy. So generous, loving, kind, sensitive, and thoughtful. But I'm glad I listened to my gut feelings in the end, because now we both feel like a burden has been lifted. It's tough, and now I have to start my life all over. I hope it's for the best, but I guess only time will tell.
gerberadaisygirl85 gerberadaisygirl85
26-30, F
May 6, 2012