I Had A Psychosis

I had a psychosis,
It all started when I moved out to live on my own, the house was old, older than my parents. The bedroom I dwelled in was a creepy basement room and when the sprinkler was on outside sometimes I would awaken to drips on my head from it's window. I was an honest person, nothing seemed to really bother me; now looking back on it well it bothers me that I was honest in the first place. I feel stupid now for the way I was, and this feeling is relentless and constant as if a childhood bully has been planted into my brain mocking me for the way I am. But back than no thought of the kind occurred, it was the summer and I was living on my own. Flash forward to my first mistake which was trying to fit in with people my age (twenty). I mean the whole drinking, smoking pot (living in British Columbia, it's the craze!) and trying to get laid which deep down disgusted me; lust that is - but this, this was my life; I guess I let myself slip.  Eventually I lost my job at a clothing store which just made me feel like a failure since this was the fourth time I wasn't able to maintain a job beyond the summer. Eventually I started to have delusions and possibly hallucinations (I can't be sure). Parts of my psychotic episode (if it's called that) were amazing and wonderful (so much so that I don't think I'll ever feel as good) and other parts were just strange and confusing. The weirdest part, to be brief, was a circus I saw walking home from a party (which I'm positive wasn't a hallucination they were in town) but even stranger was the man I met in the park the next day. The man appeared to be homeless, and he beckoned me over to talk to him. I was so excited walking up to this man, he gave off an entertaining vibe. He claimed that he was dressed up as a homeless person and that he was really a magician (which means he could of been from the circus that was in city). He gave me a binder, I opened it and  fainted next to him, SLAM! went my head on the ground. I fainted again later but I my memory is blurry. In the binder was an article about a man who had a dream, but had to work ****** jobs in order to afford classes, training, and pre requirements, to be brief the article was about me. The man told me it was all bullshit but deep down I think he knew what he was doing to me. Later I think I said a few things and it winded up to him intimidately saying "get it through your thick f***ing skull, nothing is wrong with you".  My dad eventually had to pick me up because I said I was going to kill myself, the drive home was full of paranoia and hallucinations. Everyone outside the car was crying as if I had done something wrong as if I had failed at life itself. Later my mom thought I should go to the hospital since I hadn't slept for 5 days. So I get there paranoid that these nurses and doctors are going to harm me with all the messed up drugs in the world today. I played it straight, tried to act as if, as if NOTHING was wrong with me... Eventually it boiled down to this epic moment where I had to give in to the people I thought were out to hurt me. They gave me a drug and I got all sleepy and realized that these people were here to help me and I fell asleep atlast feeling incredibly happy, slept like a baby.

I guess what saddens me the most is that nothing actually happened, It was all in my head? I also struggle with ADHD as well, everything I ever do socially is like a cry for attention and affection. I feel as if the psychosis has made me different from other people so much to a point that I don't fit in anymore. I don't have a job and I struggle to maintain one simply because I feel like I can't fit in with most people. And now I'm a year older and I run into people from high school and most of them are just  the biggest dickheads, all high and mighty because they are attending university - they fit in - something I've wanted so badly, so desperately.
Mike205 Mike205
4 Responses Feb 14, 2011

I had episodes over the course of a couple weeks. I can relate to your post but didn't personally experience any highs from it, the whole thing was just manic stress. It was just self criticism in my head that morphed into something else, like warping situations massively and then seeing and hearing people when they weren't there. It was driving me nuts so I locked myself up in a room and then I saw myself hanging from the ceiling. So I got myself damn quick to a psychiatrist. He did **** all but give me pills which I stopped taking after a while as they stopped it but made me feel awful physically. Good thing is it hasn't returned. I can truly relate to the feeling of ******* up. I feel alot of the time that my friends are where I should be. But then that's just **** we put on ourself. We are where we are and the problems suck but they can be solved. Your story is what makes you interesting. I go to AA which helps me, but then my psychosis came from drug and alcohol use. It might be something that helps you, similar to what phubbie suggests it's a support network, you meet fellow 'nuts' and that helps with feeling less isolated. Thanks for your post.

Most of the stuff I experienced during my episode were bad, weird and frightening, but in a way I wish they were real. It makes me angry and confused that I thought they were real and now it feels like there's a gap in my life that's not filled with anything real....
I had to take 2 years off my uni and all I lost all of my friends but I'm hoping I can get back on track. I am now sort of reinventing myself and building up confidence and self-esteem and it takes hard work and patience

I think I know how you feel. After my psychotic episode I have found it very hard to fit in, have conversations and make new friends. It is like everyone around me has the key to life and I am missing out. I also run into friends who are at uni or have great jobs and it makes me feel like s**t. I have found that the times I have felt most accepted is when I am around other mentally ill people. Maybe it will be the same for you. Try joining a group for people with psychosis or ask you therapist to set you up with one of their other patients, like a buddy system. Just don't give up, life may be hard but if you pay close attention you will notice that the world is a magical place and you have been given special eyes to see it with. Good luck!!!

I had psychosis with euphoric feelings and sometimes i wished some of the things are true. I do believe there are true in our minds and that if you ever meet another psychotic person that you will be able to relate to them and they will speak the language of the mind like you do.