I Had A Psychosis
I had a psychosis,
It all started when I moved out to live on my own, the house was old, older than my parents. The bedroom I dwelled in was a creepy basement room and when the sprinkler was on outside sometimes I would awaken to drips on my head from it's window. I was an honest person, nothing seemed to really bother me; now looking back on it well it bothers me that I was honest in the first place. I feel stupid now for the way I was, and this feeling is relentless and constant as if a childhood bully has been planted into my brain mocking me for the way I am. But back than no thought of the kind occurred, it was the summer and I was living on my own. Flash forward to my first mistake which was trying to fit in with people my age (twenty). I mean the whole drinking, smoking pot (living in British Columbia, it's the craze!) and trying to get laid which deep down disgusted me; lust that is - but this, this was my life; I guess I let myself slip. Eventually I lost my job at a clothing store which just made me feel like a failure since this was the fourth time I wasn't able to maintain a job beyond the summer. Eventually I started to have delusions and possibly hallucinations (I can't be sure). Parts of my psychotic episode (if it's called that) were amazing and wonderful (so much so that I don't think I'll ever feel as good) and other parts were just strange and confusing. The weirdest part, to be brief, was a circus I saw walking home from a party (which I'm positive wasn't a hallucination they were in town) but even stranger was the man I met in the park the next day. The man appeared to be homeless, and he beckoned me over to talk to him. I was so excited walking up to this man, he gave off an entertaining vibe. He claimed that he was dressed up as a homeless person and that he was really a magician (which means he could of been from the circus that was in city). He gave me a binder, I opened it and fainted next to him, SLAM! went my head on the ground. I fainted again later but I my memory is blurry. In the binder was an article about a man who had a dream, but had to work ****** jobs in order to afford classes, training, and pre requirements, to be brief the article was about me. The man told me it was all bullshit but deep down I think he knew what he was doing to me. Later I think I said a few things and it winded up to him intimidately saying "get it through your thick f***ing skull, nothing is wrong with you". My dad eventually had to pick me up because I said I was going to kill myself, the drive home was full of paranoia and hallucinations. Everyone outside the car was crying as if I had done something wrong as if I had failed at life itself. Later my mom thought I should go to the hospital since I hadn't slept for 5 days. So I get there paranoid that these nurses and doctors are going to harm me with all the messed up drugs in the world today. I played it straight, tried to act as if, as if NOTHING was wrong with me... Eventually it boiled down to this epic moment where I had to give in to the people I thought were out to hurt me. They gave me a drug and I got all sleepy and realized that these people were here to help me and I fell asleep atlast feeling incredibly happy, slept like a baby.
I guess what saddens me the most is that nothing actually happened, It was all in my head? I also struggle with ADHD as well, everything I ever do socially is like a cry for attention and affection. I feel as if the psychosis has made me different from other people so much to a point that I don't fit in anymore. I don't have a job and I struggle to maintain one simply because I feel like I can't fit in with most people. And now I'm a year older and I run into people from high school and most of them are just the biggest dickheads, all high and mighty because they are attending university - they fit in - something I've wanted so badly, so desperately.