My Stalker Found Me Again :(

I had met my boyfriend Alex through this girl Debbie, whome I went to junior college with.  They had known each other in high school, where he idolized her as a love struck puppy would, especially since she looked like a super model.  Although he had a crush on her, she would never condescend  to date him because he was "too nerdy" in her eyes, but she loved the adoration and continued to pretend she didn't know how he felt while encouraging it all the same. 

One night, she organzied a party where several of her friends (plus some guy she was in love with at the time), to go dancing together as a group.  This was the very night I met my boyfriend Alex, as he and I were a part of her group.  I didn't think he was nerdy.  Yes he wore thick glasses, was very thin, and is a chess wizard, but I find these attributes attactive.  He asked me out, perhaps to make her jealous, (I'm not sure since he claims different.) I asked her if this was ok, and she laughed at me, and said of course it was, she had no interest whatsoever in him and never would.  Now I see, that she must have thought it wasn't going to work out, but soon realized different as he stopped adoring her, and began to cherish me.  I'm no supermodel, but I'm the one he brought roses to every date night.  

My boyfriend, Alex , then started working out, getting muscles galore, wearing contacts, and dressing up.  He was looking good, and she finally started to see what I saw all along.  But this wasn't the only change to occur.  Suddnely, she started telling me negative things about him from their highschool days.  When I talked to him about these things, he was honest and told me the whole scoop, and not just the tidbits she knew.  Then he called her and  said he didn't want to hang out with her so much anymore since she was always trying to make him look bad to me.  She went ballistic, calling me about this, basically telling me that she is more important than I am, and therefore should be treated as such.  But  this anger of hers was quiclkly appeased after he agreed to her request to take her to Mexico for a week.  He paid for everything except for the souveniers she bought for herself.  They went druing the two weeks I was away visiting my family during summer break.  I didn't think anything of this trip of theirs since he has family in Mexico that they would stay with, plus his mom went along as a chaperone.  But I was wrong.  On this trip they kissed, and on the way back to California, he touched her thigh in the car.  Unfortunately,  I didn't learn any of this until months later.  Though I did feel something was up when on my first night back in town, she came to my house and told me "whoever is his girlfriend is in the future is a lucky girl" and proceeded to stare at a picutre she took of him.  

Aside from the odd comment, everything seemed fine my first week back in town, but it didn't take long until she was acting scary, weird, psycho.   It turns out, (again, I found out much later) he told her how much he cared for her over the phone, so she went to his house, kissed him, and asked him to dump me so she could have time to figure out her feelings (this was the night BEFORE I returned).  He told her no, and what they did was a mistake.  She then started to threaten him, that she could get me to dump him, afterwhich she started to come to my house every damn day, wanting to talk to him whenever he called me on the phone.  She would drop hints of something "bad" happening in Mexico, but not tell me what really happened.  I had no clue what the hell whe she was babbling about, only that she wanted me to dump him. 

I found out later, she was harrassing him, so he cut her off completly, wanting nothing to do with her.  This was was easy for him to do, because he joined the Army and went away to bootcamp (and got a new cell number).   The chick became uhhinged.  She would camp out on my porch until I got home form work, begging me to get him to talk to her.  And trying to be a friend, and not knowing what's happening, I asked him to talk to her while he was in town on X-mas leave..  He did it for me, but all she did was verbally abuse him, while he stood silent.  She claimed this was the last word and then  took off in her luxury car (she comes from a very affluent family).  But NOOOO, it wasn't the last word, she still came to my  house that very day, even rushed past my room-mate, and burst into my room where he and I were watching tv.  That night he was taking me to a family party, and she was pissed that she wasn't invited and even more pissed when she found out he was writing me letters and not her (I had them on my desk).  He still wanted nothing to do with her, and I was so dumb to try and spare her feelings even after I learned from HIM that they kissed. I almost dumped him becasue of this fiasco, but he totally broke down in tears when I asked him about this craziness going on.  I dind't ask for details, nor were any given, but he did tell me, that he once had the HUGEST crush on Debbie and confused that for love, and that kissing her was the biggest  mistake he's ever made.  Then, through heaving sobs, he begged for my forgiveness, which I granted.  

Not being able to harrass him, Debbie refocused all her time harrasing me.  She demanded to read the letters he wrote me.  She would get hysterical telling me how unfair it all was the he wrote me since she's "known" him longer.  She even started putting me down.  But the weirdness got even worse.  One night, she asked me to talk with her.  It was late, and I didn't want her crying to disturb my roomies, so we went for a ride in her car.  Once in the car, psycho Debbie zoned out, stared blankly out the winshield, then whispered a children's lullaby while weaving in and out of the oppossite traffic lane, almost getting us killed. When I tried to jump out, she would push the gas pedal forcing me back in. When we got back to my place, she acted like nothing was wrong. I never got in a car with her again.

Next, after she transferred schools to CSU Northridge in LA, she drove the four hours to my house, and talked my roomate into letting her in while I was at work.  When I came home late that night, I found  psycho Debbie IN MY BED!  The room was dark except for the light from the blood red Jesus candle she bought and lit.  She also had photos of me that she had taken, and had them taped up all over my wall.  She destroyed some dryed roses I had saved from Alex's last visit, and she even took out a picture I had, out of it's frame, and X'd out herself and my boyfriend, and then put the picture back into it's frame!  Needless to say, I was freaked out.  I had hoped her transfer from the JC to the big U would be the best for all of us... I didn't know she'd still pop up like this.  But, I guess I shouldn't be too suprised since she she still called every day telling me things like how horrible all the girls are in her dorm, and even after getting all new roomates, they were all horriible to her too, so she had her parents pay more to get a room alone (and she'd only been there a month or so.)  She also started telling me how she likes to get drunk on Zinfadel wine, pop Zoloft like candy, and that she tried to kill herself by walking into traffic.  She told me this, adding that she needs me more than Alex, hence if I really wanted to help her get better, that I have to dump him. 

Well, being in my bed had the opposite effect than what she wanted.  It freaked me out so bad, that I told her I didn't think we should have any contact with each other anymore.  She cried and whined for quite awhile.  I was still nice to her, and gently  tried to get her to go home, but she wouldn't go. She even wanted a glass of water, which she used to stall for time drinking it slowly like a toddler would.  She then asked me to pet her head like a mother.  I was scared, but stoically talked calmly to her, trying to get her to go  home.  It wasn't until early the next monring she finally left (she didn't want to miss her classes and had a LONG drive back).  She said she'd respect my wishes, but that was a complete LIE.  After I told her in person, on the phone, and email, that I want to break ALL conctact with her, she would still call, still write, still show up!!!  She even gave me a blanket, wanting me to "throw away" the one Alex had given me. Debbie's  "One last word" letters, phone calls, and pesonal face to face contact speeches were unending as they were unnerving. And despite saying she'd respect my wishes to not have any contact, she even stooped so low as to ask out my ex-friend to get information about me, even though she didn't really like this firend (and had mentioned such to me on occassions).  But this dumb girl couldn't see she was just being used to get to me, all she saw was a "popular" girl  suddenly taking 100% interest in her, and was now taking her to parties and clubs.  And sadly, this is how she got my new work and class schedule.  :(

 I was very CLEAR about the no contact however this didn't end the contact - it only turned the "woe is me" speeches into hate mail.   Yes, psycho Debbie started sending me HATE mail since I wanted nothing to do with her anymore.   I blocked her on email, and dodged calls, BUT the chick would still show up at my house and WORK!!!  She even gave instructions to the ex-friend metnioned above to deliver pakcages to me.  In these packages were hate letters, GIFTS, and pictures of herself.  Oh, did I mention that psycho Debbie even cut and dyed her hair to look EXACTLY like mine?

Under the advice of my boss, I applied for a restraining order.  It was hell.  I hadn't told anybody about this until the hate mail started coming to my workplace and my boss asked me aobut it.   This had been going on for over a year,  and my first real step towards the restraining order came wihen I spotted psycho Debbie waiting in the hallway near my physics class at school.   I went to the bumbling loser campus police.  What a joke that was.  The  wannabe cop asked for the evidence to reveiw, which I gave him.  When I asked for it back for the restraining order hearing, he told me he "lost" parts of it at his home, but that he had sat down and talked with Debbie. This nimrod then told me that  she was nice girl and that she explained that this was all a misunderstanding, that she would not conctact me again.  WHAT THE HELL PLANET IS THIS GUY FROM?  Yes she's an atttracive 6'3" girl from a wealthy family whose taken classes in acting, psychology, and impromtu speech, but this doesn't make her sane, just know how to appear so.  The night he chatted with her, I got 43 hangup calls on my phone.  This chick is unstable, her dad has a gun, and she has access to an extensive amount of money.  So, YES, I was afraid for my life.

The judge read through my paperwork and granted me a PERMANENT restraining order.  I was relieved until I found out that permanent means only three years, then I'd have to renew it and go through this nightmare again.  :(  I've kept a very low profile, I moved, got a new email address, new phone, new job.  I did consider renewing the restraining order, but if I did, I would have to let her know my current address.  It just seemed safer to have my wherabouts unknown, so I let the order expire.  Life was starting to feel okey again, the only bump in the road was when I spotted her at the
public library.  I was in the stacks, so she coldn't see me (thank-goodness), but I could see and hear her.  She was freaking out at the counter, sreaming at the librarian because the book she wanted wasn't on the shelf.  And I wish I could say the story ends there, but it doesn't.  It's been six years since all this went down and the I found out the hard way that psycho Debbie is still very much obessessed.  

After all these years, I'm still with Alex, though we are physically apart because  he's on his third deployment in Afghanistan, (he's proudly Army Airborne.)  Although he's not here, he tells me it's important to him that I spend time with his family.  They invite me over all the time and involve me in all family functions.  So for the past couple of years, things seemed ok until this past year.  First, my sister who is a FireFirghter was at an elemetary school for a fire drill.  Turns out pshyco Debbie is now an elementary shcool teacher.  She spotted the last name on my sister's jacket, immediatley came over to her, and started asking questions about me.  She did not identify herself to my sister, but chattted away as if she and I were the best of friends.  My sister later desscribed this odd female to me, and I became nauseous, because I had a sickening feeling that I knew who it was.  I found an online picture of Debbie (from myspace) and showed it to my sister, hoping I was wrong, but NO, it was indeed psycho Debbie. 

The next scary event this past year, phsyco Debbie logged onto Alex's classmates proflie, and signed his "friends' guestbook"  What the hell?  His highschool reunion was coming up and he wanted to take leave to be here for that with me as his date.  I told him I couldn't take the chance that she'd show up, especially after she signed his guestbook.

 And finally, worst of all, was what happened this past Saturday.  Alex's niece, whome I've been made god-mother of, wanted me to to see her and her pig at the fair.  (She's a proud member of the Santa Maria FFA)  I of course went, and brought along the video camera so I can send the clips to Alex overseas.  His mom was hungry, so she asked me to join her for a bite to eat.  We were at a little" meals on wheels" pizza  vendor that had tables outside.  Out of the crowd, psycho Debbie spotted me!  I didn't see her, just saw some tall chick and a a guy coming straight towards me.  She stopped in fornt of my table stared at me - which is when I noticed who it was.  Then she sat at the table closest to me.  Although her back was to me, she kept turning around to stare.  She then whipsered something to the guy, who turned around to stare at me also.  They kept doing it.  I wanted to leave, but the only way out is past her.  Alex's mom is frail and doesn't speak much english, so I couldn't run out or even explain this to her.  Besides, his family doesn't know any of this drama.  I patienly waited for Clara to finish her meal, and calmly walked out of the fenced eating area.  Phscyo Debbie wasn't even eating anything from the restaurant, she was there just there to get a look at me.  She is still obsessed as well as deranged.  I can't beleive she's molding young children's minds.  :(

I feel so sick all over again.   Why can't she just leave me alone? 
DangerMouse87 DangerMouse87
8 Responses Jul 19, 2010

Since she knows you again, get ANOTHER restraining order. You can't let this get to you. You moved to a new place just to get away from her, and you used up money because of her. I hope this problem gets fixed :)

While my stalking situation was much different, I can totally relate to the feeling of lacking control over your own life that stalkers create. <br />
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The first thing I learned was that we are not alone. Stalking is a quickly growing crime, as our hypermedia culture makes it very easy. Be wary of all private information that is available online. Google yourself. When I did this I was shocked to find that with even the smallest amount of persistence, one could find my phone number, my address, the addresses and phone numbers of all of my family members, which high school I went to, and even what my interests were. If you use the same screenname for multiple websites, once someone pins you down to that screenname on one site- they can easily find you elsewhere. <br />
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If you move and change your number it does no good unless you take the steps to make sure that that information is not freely distributed. It can be a pain in the ***- but go through your google search and get your information taken off. <br />
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The mantra of the stalked community, sadly, is "Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Document. Document. Document.". For someone as independent as I am, this was a frustrating reality. It feels like you should be more proactive- but it's in your best interest to take actions cautiously. Any sort of attention paid to the stalker can exacerbate their demented state of mind. If you show them anger, fear, sympathy, etc. it'll feed their delusions. <br />
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Stalking comes in all shapes-- don't shrug it off as harmless. They can quickly escalate into violence. <br />
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I'm going to share this with you not to freak you out (it freaked me out the first time I read it), but to tie into the breadth of your story's timeline. The average stalking (of the 3.2. million a year) lasts seven years. It is not surprising that she is still obsessed six years later. Well, it is, for those of us who are better adjusted-- but in the stalking world, it is anything but rare. That is not to say you should spend your life being paranoid, but use it to fuel the vigilance you use to protect yourself from any dangerous situation. <br />
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And most importantly, talk to people about it. It helps not only with your safety, but also with your emotional health. Familiarize yourself with the statistics and share them with friends and family, this will make your own story easier to swallow. People tend to equate stalking with horror movies and fail to recognize its prevalence in society. <br />
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Once I realized I was being stalked I told EVERYONE. My neighbors created a mailing list to quickly communicate if we saw my stalker in the neighborhood, my coworkers were all given desc<x>riptions and kept up to date on new developments. My bosses were even concerned enough to beef up security and invest in panic buttons to be worn on our person during shifts. Working at a coffee shop, as I did, I even told the customers I was most familiar with and asked that they keep an eye out for me. I had no doubt that my stalker was a predatory one, and I did not want to be caught unaware or off guard. By telling the people I was surrounded by daily I created a social safety-net. I would speak to off duty officers when I ran into them in my area and explain the situation- so that they would be on the lookout when they did their regular patrols around my neighborhood. Talking to them one on one really helped. Even though I was living in one of the most violent sections of town, an underfunded, under serviced ghetto/barrio-- they would still take the extra time to change routes to run through my secluded neighborhood. Many of the officers didn't even know the neighborhood was there until I spoke with them. I also developed friendships with the night crew at the local convenience stores and told them what was going on. That way if my stalker had to get gas or coffee on his long vigils of my house, they would take note of him. <br />
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And talk to people who understand. It's easy to question your own sanity sometimes, especially when people you confide in don't hesitate in demonstrating their own skepticism. But don't get sucked in-- sometimes in looking to fellow stalking victims it will increase, rather than alleviate, your fears. If you read someone's particularly scary incident-- sit back and take a deep breath. At all times remember that you are the one that controls your life- so take every step and precaution that you have control over. Self-defense classes can be particularly empowering. <br />
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Be safe. And be well.

That REALLLLLLLLLLLLY sucks. I mean that's just terrible. I feel SO bad for you. Take the drastic measures, renew your restraining order, and MOVE out of state. Then just come down to visit the family...and keep your eyes open.

I hope that you are able to live in peace soon!!

She's got a screw loose and needs help for her and your and in fact everyone's sake.Who knows what is is capable of? Be strong it will be hard but you must. Take care.

DM, Here are some things I did; hope this helps. Carry a cell phone; photograph or micro video everything suspicious you see; I photographed an odd red paper clip in the middle of my otherwise clean desk. Learn how to hold the camera behind you and even take a picture such as of her back. As soon as you ever see her, walk away so that she cannot say YOU are the one stalking. If she approaches directly, you have the option of holding up the cell phone and yelling, "You Tube!" I once saw my female stalker at the doctor's office. I took a photo of the wall she walked by so that the date and time were saved. I also told the doctor, but not to look like a crazy myself I called her my "super dependent stalker type ex friend who won't go away." That worked very well, and I told my family she was acting bi-sexual, which was true, so from then on they interpreted all of her actions as a lesbian no matter how tame and they gave her NO INFO. I wrote down every hang up call, date and time. When ever I opened a door to come out or stopped to let myself in, I kept a trash can between me in the hall. This saved me from being knocked down as she flew out her door. Park where you do not cross the lot. Put a male Halloween face with a Hawaiian shirt on the back seat passenger side at night. Mine had a biker beard and it was even on in my driveway at night. I got a small used camera and mounted it so it could be seen poking through the curtains at the front door. I put a motion sensor with light at the back door. If she is already at a place you are going, such as the library, consider that "her" territory for the moment; simply leave. You may find that you feel angry because you have to leave so many times but do not give up; just remember she can lie and get an order on you any time. Never talk to her and never let her get you alone no matter how much you start to pity her. If she dresses like you or fixes her hair like you, consider that she is capable of trying to make you disappear and is very dangerous. Oh, and one other thing, I put a box with holes punched in it and taped a business card of a reptile salesman on there, and put it different places. Try to think like she does and patch up anything in your life that is vulnerable... I made up an array of false clues, posted on my board what looked like a cruise, created picture files from Google Images of an imaginary "new home," "car" jewelry, pet, (complete with imaginary name;) you get the picture. When she somehow got into my office she saw all these things she was livid. I left a calender open to a place where the "cruise I had just taken was blocked off. I KNOW she broke in and read it and was furious! Wow! I suddenly was successful beyond her widest dreams (and mine!) LOL! Read "How To Be Invisible" and decide on a security level that fits for you. Eliminate access to your sister (not good). If all this sounds extreme, I thanked myself (turn around thinking) for my stalker because she showed me in every way what someone can do and I eliminated all those things. After years of my cold shoulder and her being everywhere I went and me leaving, she found a new target, tried to convince my boss and others I was judgmental, acted "pious" but with a purpose in mind. Finally she changed course and left, but I now feel experienced in dealing with her so nothing surprises me. Good luck!

Thankyou for taking the time to read my story and for understanding. I"ve been walking around today like a zombie, still pretty shaken up. I do hope this was the last time she and I ever cross paths. Thankyou again.