My Stalker Cannot Be Stopped

I guess my story starts in March, a few weeks after my sixteenth birthday. I felt guilty, mean and responsible for something I had nothing to do with, people were bullying this kid with aspergers syndrome. (Lets call him B) I thought this was irrational and unfair, so I spared him a smile. One smile. That's all it takes. A single smile and a friendly, "Hello," can twist your world upside down and inside out.

That's when it all started.

I spared him a smile and he smiled back. I was his 'friend.' In reality I was just a person who smiles at people, because I know when someone beams at me I feel fuzzy and glorified inside. To a normal person that feeling is warm, nice. To a stalker that feeling is elaborating, tempting, beautiful, sensual and all the other words a smile should never anticipate.

He started to stare, I though nothing of it. 'He has a mental illness,' I told myself, 'he thinks this is normal.' I still can't fathom what occurs in the mind of someone like this, but I can imagine it a frightening atmosphere.

We were sat in drama class, watching 'The Woman in Black.' Half the class were laughing at the suspense, others were on edge, but one wasn't staring at the screen, they were staring at me. At the end of the class he came up to me, "I'm scared, I'll give you ten pounds to come home and lie in be with me," I laughed at his inappropriate comment. It was only when he turned around with frustration in his face that I realised: he was not joking.

At this moment my friends were laughing, I was laughing. This was hilarious. The school 'weirdo' had a crush on me. Me an my friend (lets call her J) used to write parody songs and we decided to write one about him to the tune of 'Call Me Maybe:'

"We were sat in art class,
Paint brushes and a box,
Said you were out of my league,
And how damn right you were.

I'd swap my brush for a sword,
Be armed in case of attack,
But that wish did not come true,
Soon you'd be stalking me. 

Your stare was phsyco,
Quoting and smiling perv-ish,
Unexpected grinning,
Could have got a better stalker.

B, I just met you,
You're sort of scary,
Seem to be staring,
Right at J and me.

It's hard to steer clear,
Of creepy smiling,
Seem to be staring,
Right at J and me.

B, I just met you,
You're sort of scary,
Seem to be staring,
Right at J and me

And all the other boys,
Run far away,
But you're a stalker,
You'll find the number"

We found it so amusing. It was a joke, right? No. It started as a joke. Sometimes, the worst things do.

B was still upset after the incedent in drama class. He's start to point at me, mime that he was strangling me and giving me the evils.

It carried on this way until after the summer holidays. Everything had changed. I returned to school not as bright as I used to be. My world had dimmed down and I saw no point. For three years I had been screaming inside but the constant abuse from my father in the holidays had driven me over the edge. He was drunk half the time, hitting me, threatening to slit my throat. He's not always like this; when he is I am torn apart. For three years I hadn't stopped screaming, silently suffering, sitting in the bathroom most nights with a razor blade to my skin. I was scared. I don't know why. It just arrived one day and still hasn't gone away. 

Fear is not an emotion. It is a demon that burries itself inside of you, because it is a parasite.

When I walked through those doors, after saying, "Hi," my first lie was, "I'm fine." My suicide plan was already on the way. (Can I just say that I hadn't succeeded- sort of obvious but yeah... And now I don't plan to continue with that plan).

B was there, not so much bitterness in his face anymore. He would still stare, but now he would smile. He tilts his head forwards and pierces you with his eyes. Grinning like the joker you feel fear stealing your insides and overwhelming your emotions.

He lives in the complete opposite direction to me, but oneday he crossed the road. He crossed the road and followed me home. That was oneday then, but everyday now.

He told me how I'm his favourite person in the world, he said goodbye and grabbed my shoulders. Squeezing them how I presume a loving father would to his daughter. He had no right to touch me, but he doesn't give a damn about rights.

Later that day he was caught lurking down the avenue near my house by a guy I know. (Let's call him A). He asks him what he's doing, B replies that he's looking for me. I'm glad this friend isn't always as immature as he acts, although I love him, he lead him to the trainstation, far away from my house and told hime that I live in a strangers house. B knew he was lying, but he didn't know where I did live. Praise the Lord.

When we left our GCSE art catch up sessions he would follows us out. That following has progressed to a run. A full on chase that leads me to believe he cannot cope without me. I beckon my friends towards the food technology room, we hide there until he passes. He hasn't discovered my hiding place yet.

My friends are scared for me also, they offer to protect me. We always stay within a couple of metres of eachother. I'm glad I have some protection.

He's taken to touching me out of the blue. Pretending he hasn't seen anything; hilding a hand on an inappropriate place on my body. I seize to react as I am so shocked. But inside I'm erupting with emotions.

He has nicknamed me 'beautiful,' calling me 'hot' as well. It's demeaning, patronising, gross and frightening. But I have to attempt not to notice him, if I notice him I'm scared I'll take action that I regret.

The fact that he photographs me on his phone scares me. I hate to think that he may enjoy looking at photos of me. I hate my face. Why would anyone like it. 

One thing I don't understand is, why me? I'm the awkward teenager. I wear baggy clothes, no makeup, I'm not beautiful or special or kind. I'm a nobody. Are the quiet one always the easiest victums.

When he found a tumblr photo of me and put it as his twitter profile picture I sort of freaked out. I have never told anyone my tumblr account. I have private stuff on there. These are the last straws.

He's spreading rumors that we are going out and have been for ages. When I confrounted him of these he whispered in my ear, "You better keep your mouth shut, otherwise I'll cut your tongue off, I can stop you from telling these lies and tales." Threatening to kill me numerous times has caused catastrophic damage to my mind. I'm a victum.

I'm living in fear of B. I'm to scared to seek any sort of help. The panic I've had in nightmares is unfathomable. 

Sleepless night after sleepless night I remain to have a stalker. This could have ben anyone. Before you start to lose control of a situation take action. I'm like a child driving a sports car. I can't control this wheel, this has gone too far. It's hard to end things when they've gone so far.

Some people were born to live great lives, others were born to hide in the shadows. I've hidden in my own shadow and now I'm as petrified as stone of it amd everything else. I feel like this is my fault. If I hadn't felt guilty in the first place this may have never happened.

I don't know how this story will end. I hope to keep it updated. The ending of a story has never been my favourite part, the middle is where the action happens. That's how I see the books I read. But for this, these events with B, I find myself anticipating the ending. However it ends, all I know is that I want to be breathing.  
demoninsideasmile demoninsideasmile
13-15, F
9 Responses Dec 4, 2012

I've been thinking about what may have caused this response from this boy. First, though, I do NOT condone his threats or stalking behavior. You have every right to be safe.People on the autism spectrum have difficulty reading non-verbal communication. They are often labeled as non-social, but those on the spectrum generally want friends as much as anyone else. They are isolated by their quirks, their challenges in responding and understanding others, and by the kind of unthinking bullying and teasing you describe. We make friends because we sense some kind of connection with others. These connections have a wide range of nuance and result in a wide range of connections, from the most personal to the most general; all the way from your best friend to the nice cashier you always see when you go to a particular store.This boy probably feels isolated and wants connection. You offered a smile at a moment when he was able to understand a kindness and its connection to a particular moment in his life. For you, this was just one of many encounters while interacting with the world around you. For him, this was probably a rare occurrence--it may have never happened before. With so little understanding and experience about connection, his initial reaction was about the novelty of the encounter and the deep need we all have to be part of the world. His reaction to your boundary-setting and teasing probably hurt as much as the initial feeling of connection felt wonderful.This is why this kid needs professional intervention. The situation has gotten out of hand.

Tell someone!!! Make a police report and insist on a event number every time he does something crazy. Sometimes the law will work against you but they have no choice but to do this. Its been 11 + years now stalkung without violence. Please get help or at least document with police reports and event numbers.

You must, must, must, tell a trusted adult at your school. This boy needs professional intervention and you need protection. Please let all of us who have commented here know that you have done something about this.

The majority of people with aspergers are actually highly intelligent. So be careful. Seek help. He's not just some dumb social retard with a crush on you. I've known people with aspergers and they're very manipulative and obsessive, and will go to crazy lengths to get what they want. I don't want to scare you, or maybe I do, because you need to tell an authority about this. A restraining order won't stop someone with aspergers, action needs to be taken discreetly. Good luck x

Kids With this type of autism act inapropriatly it is in there nature you can confront someone and the will handel it he has a dissesas so he has problems and stuff

I know you feel guilty, but you don't deserve this. You made jokes about a weird kid, everyone does it. It's not the best thing you could have done, but it certainly doesn't warrant this kind of abuse.

Just because someone has Aspergers, does not mean that they are absolved of their own personal responsibility. It just means that they're awkward and have a hard time socializing normally(in various and extreme degrees). What is happening is NOT at all your fault, you are the victim. If a joke you made was the sole reason he is abusing you, then why isn't he stalking all the other people who have made jokes about him? I can't tell you why he chose you, it could be any reason at all, but the thing is HE made that choice. Not you.

It is normal for you to blame yourself and it is very hard to stop, especially with all the other problems that you shouldn't have to deal with. My best advice would be to tell an authority figure or an adult you can trust. And to have your friends help you log everything he does to you because stalking and harassment can be very hard to prove. My second best advice would be to read other people's stories. Maybe you can find your strength through people who share your experience.

You are not weak. Could a weak person shoulder the burden of abuse that others have put on you for so long? I hope you stay safe. My thoughts are with you and I hope it gets better.

Oh, Girl... I am SO sorry!! Are you in the USA? I have dealt with a creepy stalker for 5 years, now. Similar as you, it started b/c I was being kind to him. Have had to make MANY changes in my life to hide from him. There aren't laws in place to protect us from any of this. It's HORRENDOUS, how one mentally ill person can totally muck up another person's life and sense of safety/freedom, and get away with it. I hope that this situation of yours resolves itself with minimal trouble. I think we DO need laws to put people away who are not right in the head, and create trouble for innocents like us. I have seriously gotten over equal rights for potentially dangerous metal cases. Best of luck, honey, and if you ever want to talk to someone who is/has been in similar situation, feel free to write to me. You have done NOTHING wrong!!! You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. *hugs!*

do you think the senior member or staff will do anything useful? If they dont, then you have to do something about it. Also next time dont pick on anyone weak even for fun which motivates such kids to take revenge in some way when an opportunity comes their way. Good luck.

I didn't 'pick' on anyone. I'm sorry, I'm a little confused. Anyway, I'm attempting to sort this out. Thanks for your help.

He is taking advantage of you because you are WEAK.
Does your mom care for you? If she does, tell her. Keeping quiet only gives him power.
How dare he takes advantage of you. Change schools and if he continues to stalk you, tell the cops. People like him are waiting for a chance to destroy someone. They have been picked on a lot and have only had pain so they enjoy it when someone else is in pain because of them. This is the bully mentality. You must be strong, protect yourself from this creep. Dont let him enter your house or attend any of his calls. It spells DISASTER for life. Change phone number if you have to and dont dare tell him anything about yourself. You can do it, be brave. I have faith in you. Good luck.

Thank you. Yeah, I've spoken to my friends and they all agree that they'll help me to tell a senior member of staff. This has become out of hand, I'm avoiding him at ALL costs.