I Had a Stillbirth
On March 5th, 2011, I gave birth to my daughter. She was stillborn at 36 weeks. This is the most gutwrenching heartbreak I have ever experienced. At 34 weeks I had my appointment and everything was fine. My doctor even commented on how strong the heartbeat was. I had an easy pregnancy and was looking forward to my daughter's birth. It was my husband and I's first pregnancy and we were really really looking forward to a girl. I had been eating properly, keeping my feet up, taking my vitamins, everything. I bought everything, was attending my antenatal classes, and was prepared and waiting for what I called my "VIP arrival". But she never arrived.
Very early in the morning on March 5th I went to use the bathroom and noticed a small mucous discharge which I suspected might have been my mucous plug. I had no bleeding or anything, was not experiencing strong contractions, my water hadn't broken, so i wasn't worried. I went back to bed. A few hours later I called my doctor, told her about the discharge, she asked about my contractions, I said they were mild and irregular and she told me to come to the hospital. I was supposed to have an appointment with her on March 7th, but my baby didn't make it to the 7th. I went in, she did the ultrasound and after a minute or two (but what felt like hours) she told me there was no foetal heartbeat. My baby had died. She would have to induce my labour and I would have to deliver the foetus naturally. My doctor was completely baffled, as was i because everything had been fine, there was nothing to give any suspicion, and all my health checks came back healthy.
She arranged for an autopsy and the report which came out weeks later showed that everything was healthy, "within normal range". If everything was normal why did it happen?
I remember reading pregnancy books and doing so much research to prepare me for what I was experiencing. I remember coming across a statistic that 1 in 100 (or was it 1 in 1,000) pregnancies are stillbirths. I skipped over those sections because that did not apply to me. Certainly not. Sadly so. When I had my stillborn I could not even look at another pregnancy book, let alone read the section on how to cope if it happened.
How to cope.... how to cope... and who can tell me how to cope with my loss?!?! Everyone says time heals all wounds, it will get better with time, God knows best, everything in God's time, there will be more children, etc etc. Much as I appreciate the effort, all these words of "encouragement" go in one ear and out the other.
I miss my baby sooo much, I wish she was with me, sometimes I wish it was I who were with her. I am a Christian and have so much faith in God that I would never dare question His decisions, but I can't help wondering why. What did I do? What could I have done? What could have been done? It drives me crazy. And to add insult to injury, it seems that everywhere I turn I see pregnant women, new mothers, infants. It's like salt in my wound. I'm not sure how to move on, how to "get over it". She will never be replaced, I will never forget her, I will always love her. I have all these stretch marks which I pray will fade with time, I have cellulite and am still trying to lose the weight I gained while I was pregnant, and I have nothing to show for the physical impact the pregnancy had on my body. As for the emotional scars, it's been 3 months and I still cry myself to sleep at night sometimes. I still flinch occassionally when I see a mother with her child. I feel like mothers are part of some elite club, which rejected my application.
It is such a painful process. Of course every new day is a blessing from God, and is another day to struggle to get through, and some days I laugh, some days I cry, but all days I just miss her, and miss the opportunity I never had to get to know her.
Very early in the morning on March 5th I went to use the bathroom and noticed a small mucous discharge which I suspected might have been my mucous plug. I had no bleeding or anything, was not experiencing strong contractions, my water hadn't broken, so i wasn't worried. I went back to bed. A few hours later I called my doctor, told her about the discharge, she asked about my contractions, I said they were mild and irregular and she told me to come to the hospital. I was supposed to have an appointment with her on March 7th, but my baby didn't make it to the 7th. I went in, she did the ultrasound and after a minute or two (but what felt like hours) she told me there was no foetal heartbeat. My baby had died. She would have to induce my labour and I would have to deliver the foetus naturally. My doctor was completely baffled, as was i because everything had been fine, there was nothing to give any suspicion, and all my health checks came back healthy.
She arranged for an autopsy and the report which came out weeks later showed that everything was healthy, "within normal range". If everything was normal why did it happen?
I remember reading pregnancy books and doing so much research to prepare me for what I was experiencing. I remember coming across a statistic that 1 in 100 (or was it 1 in 1,000) pregnancies are stillbirths. I skipped over those sections because that did not apply to me. Certainly not. Sadly so. When I had my stillborn I could not even look at another pregnancy book, let alone read the section on how to cope if it happened.
How to cope.... how to cope... and who can tell me how to cope with my loss?!?! Everyone says time heals all wounds, it will get better with time, God knows best, everything in God's time, there will be more children, etc etc. Much as I appreciate the effort, all these words of "encouragement" go in one ear and out the other.
I miss my baby sooo much, I wish she was with me, sometimes I wish it was I who were with her. I am a Christian and have so much faith in God that I would never dare question His decisions, but I can't help wondering why. What did I do? What could I have done? What could have been done? It drives me crazy. And to add insult to injury, it seems that everywhere I turn I see pregnant women, new mothers, infants. It's like salt in my wound. I'm not sure how to move on, how to "get over it". She will never be replaced, I will never forget her, I will always love her. I have all these stretch marks which I pray will fade with time, I have cellulite and am still trying to lose the weight I gained while I was pregnant, and I have nothing to show for the physical impact the pregnancy had on my body. As for the emotional scars, it's been 3 months and I still cry myself to sleep at night sometimes. I still flinch occassionally when I see a mother with her child. I feel like mothers are part of some elite club, which rejected my application.
It is such a painful process. Of course every new day is a blessing from God, and is another day to struggle to get through, and some days I laugh, some days I cry, but all days I just miss her, and miss the opportunity I never had to get to know her.
By:
SilentElle
Age:
26-30
,
Female
