How Do You Deal With Your Grief?

I am the selfishest most pathetic mother. I cry because I don't know why. The baby is dead, and there is nothing that's going to get the baby back to life. And I cry and cry. I will never be able to hold my baby - it's buried. I will never be able to see my baby grow up around us. I haven't even seen his eyes - they were shut tight when he was born.
I had polyhydramnios and the doctor never explained to me the dangers of my situation. Nothing wrong was found with the baby during a few ultrasounds with the baby. I have had 2 children before, so I figured I know what's going on. I was happy go lucky with this pregnancy - everything seemed normal, until at the end when the baby didn't move as much. My other children never moved much themselves, so I wasn't alerted.
I couldn't tell the difference between Braxton-Hicks contractions, baby moves, or just reflex kicks the baby was doing when I was changing positions.
The baby died and I was clueless.
Maybe I could have saved the baby if I religiously counted every contraction per hour, but I was so busy and nervous at the end of the pregnancy, I wasn't in tune with my body.
It's the guilt, and the sorrow is what it is.
Why do I have to go through this? Why did I win this lottery of 0.5 chance you can have a stillbirth? Is that selfish of me?
What to do, what to do? All I do all day is stay sad and go over and over the ordeal in my head.
I know it's normal, and it will get easier with time, but it doesn't. It's been almost a month now since Benjamin Matthew was born, and I am still dealing with it, and there is no end.
Two or three hours can pass, and I get busy with something, but then something comes up, or I come here or somewhere else online and read and read and get myself worked up.
Why do I have to deal with this? Why is it ME who has this issue? Why didn't I just die with the baby?
I have a husband and two other kids to take care of, and I don't want to do anything.
I got work to do - I am a freelancer - so it helps to keep me busy but my thoughts keep rambling away from what I need to get done, and I slide back down into this mess.
All I want is my baby back! This is all I want!
yatakayasyakaya yatakayasyakaya
31-35, F
2 Responses Nov 28, 2012

My grief is overwhelming right now, and I grieve by crying, and thinking about the baby. My problem is that all my memories about the baby are now seeing him still - all i have is that sad situation of finding out that he is dead in my stomach unfolding in front of my eyes, and it's like an endless movie keeps playing in my head - that's what's overwhelming. And then it's the analysis, what have gone wrong? What did I do? Could I have changed anything? Had a second, third doctor pouring over my tests and data? Should I have been on self-prescribed bed rest? I was not in control of my pregnancy, I let the doctor be in control, and I kick myself for it. Bad mother, bad mother, bad mother. How else can I grieve over stillbirth?


do you know how to grieve ?